Sometimes life just hurts and there's nothing you can do about it except trudge through, learn your lessons, and look forward to tomorrow.
Right now I'm kinda hurtin. And it's definitely my fault. Self-inflicted pain.. I'm something of a masochist. But the problem is that I didn't intend to hurt myself. I was just enjoying life and then BAM.. it turns around and stabs me in the back.
First it was like, oh yeah, life's so much fun, I'm gonna date a bunch of different people and make tons of friends and do homework and have an awesome life and woo hoo everything's so dandy!!! look at me! dandy as can be!
Then it was like, oh, dang, this kid's so much fun. I'm gonna kinda-sorta date him but at the same time not really because there are other guys and it's gonna be great and it is great and woo hoo everything's a freaking hot air balloon of awesomeness! look at this! life's just super!
And next it was life, oh, crap, I like this kid a lot. I am totally in over my head because I like him way too much but I'm still trying to date around but it feels pointless because I like him but that's okay because life is still wonderful and he's wonderful and everything's wonderful and yeah! woo hoo! freakin great man!
And now it's like. Oh. No. I like this kid. Way too much. More than he does. And he's leaving. I've totally screwed myself over. I put myself in a position to get hurt. I'm an idiot. If I could go back and make myself a little less into him or something.. just so I could stop the impending heartbreak.. I think I would. I'm a fool. I fall for people too fast, it's unhealthy! I like being in relationships or "with" somebody. If I let it consume me then it's bad but I don't think that desire itself is necessarily bad. Here is the problem with that need of mine, there's no one to date! There are two options. 1. Premies. They're immature and all looking to just get around before they go out on a mission. They're safe sure, no marriage quite yet because they're leaving, but you have to guard your heart because they're leaving. 2. RMs. They're back from their mission, mature, horny, and just wanna get hitched. They are scary. I semi-dated one and he scared the crap out of me on multiple levels. That's just a no. SO. Dating sucks even while it's awesome. I didn't work the system quite right and now I'm going to get hurt. It's a delicate balance, one that I didn't strike precisely.
Love is a mess. An ugly, scary, enticing, exciting, stupid mess.
We always keep coming back for more though, don't we? Love; ever-painful, ever-necessary.
Love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
Maya Angelou
