The past two weeks have been, pardon my language, hell. I made it through without dying but I certainly struggled to keep a smile on my face and not break down in pathetic stress-crying. After this horrific ordeal I knew that I would need to take Saturday off. I had originally planned to volunteer at the old folks home but that fell through, thankfully. All I had today was the football game at eight. When I woke up at eleven I continued to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for another half an hour before feeling motivated enough to swing my legs over the side of the bed and stare at a different wall. This continued in steps until I was out of bed and over at the sink where I proceeded to vigorously scrub at the mirror and counter until they were spotless. Sometimes I get the most insistent urge to clean something to death. But never early in the morning, mind you. Afterward.. well.. I'm not really sure what happened for the next three hours. I did some ab workouts {heck to the yes I am getting my abs back}, took a forty-five minute shower {shaved my legs for the first time in far too long to admit}, facebook stalked, did a face mask, looked at more walls, wrote words on a page, laid on the ground.. I'm not really sure. I realized that I was kind of hungry and went to eat with Mitch around 2:30 {I think.. I really can't remember}. We sat and talked and had a jolly good time until four or so when I went home and promptly fell asleep until six when Julie invited me up to her place. I went up there with my homework and we just chilled. She forced me to have some hot chocolate because I could not warm up for the life of me and then I left at eight to go to the game. Holy freezing cold. I stood with Alex, Ethan, Mike, Jenny, and Alli, my pals, and watched byu kill new mexico. I wore two pairs of pants, a tshirt, two jackets, and a huge puffy coat. Even now, safe in the comfort of my own home, a full half an hour later my legs are still cold, just having feeling returning to them. Thank you Utah winters for sucking. I can't endure the cold. And my poor body can't endure this exhaustion. Today was my break day and I needed it so badly. My heart is emotionally exhausted. I seriously feel like sleeping forever and ever and then demanding a hug out of every single person I see. I need to recuperate! I can hardly think straight. My memory is gone, I don't know most of what went on today. And I'm feeling so sorry for myself. Pity party on Mackenzie's block! I'm so tired. It's one thing to have a freaking crap-load of work to do over the course of two weeks but it's another entirely to have a freaking crap-load of work, spiritual pressure and soul pressing questions, and a promise to keep that you would keep a smile on and not fight or act mean throughout it. My heavens it's no wonder I am completely drained of my energy.
I'm proud of myself for something though. If I'm right, and I really hope I am, no one really noticed. I successfully fulfilled my goal of acting okay and not being mean! I think. Sure, my close friends I told about how stressed and crazy I was feeling, but for the most part, I'm not sure they knew the full extent of it. The old me, that girl I left back home, would have been pulling her hair out, screeching at everyone, and giving herself ulcers from stress. Look! I haven't! I've been so good! Hey, you! Notice how good I've been. Yep, that's right. I'm awesome.
I'm living proof that people can change. It is my goal to change for the better so that I can handle stress and not take it out on other people. It's my goal to never be mean to people! I strive to be Christ-like and I know he would want me to be good to others even when I'm feeling awful. Through the Atonement I am able to change these habits and I will.
I've been inspired to change.
Inspiration is the motivation that leads to greatness.
And greatness is what we were all meant to achieve.
