I have a throbbing headache.
It’s one in the morning.
I can’t sleep.
This morning I told my roommate that I was going to be in
bed by eleven tonight. I was determined. And when I get determined, watch out.
Eleven o’clock rolled around and who was getting ready for bed? This girl.
Eleven thirty rolled around and who was tucked in bed? This girl. One o’clock rolled
around and who was still thrashing around in bed pissed off that she couldn’t
sleep? This girl! I’m so exhausted. Why can I not sleep?! The past two weeks
have thrown off my sleep schedule so bad and I have been lacking sleep like
crazy. So why does my body not seize this chance to sleep now?! I tried to give
it a full ten hours and it was rejected. Rude.
I want to be loved so badly. I want to find the guy that is
in complete awe of me. When I meet him he’ll fall head over heels immediately,
blown away by how stunningly amazing I am. I don’t think it’s fair for any
girl, any girl, since every one of
them is a princess, to be treated anything less than that. A girl should never
have to fight to be heard or seen by the guy she’s with. I really don’t think
that if you’re in a relationship where you constantly have to impress him or
give him reasons to pay attention to you then you should be with him at all. I
don’t care how amazing he is or how in love with him you are. I don’t want to
be in that position. I’m too incredible to have to prove that to him. No girl should ever have to prove her worth. I
want a guy that thinks about me every day. A guy that texts me at three in the
morning to tell me that I’m beautiful. I want a guy that does cute things and
is unbelievably thoughtful. I want someone to love me! Someday it will come. I
suppose.
I thought I was in love once. Doesn’t everyone think that in
their first relationship? I was the average teenage girl, giddy with
infatuation and schoolgirl emotions. I did like him a lot, that sweet boy. He
was very good to me. But I’m not sure it was love, it probably wasn’t. It was
an odd relationship anyway, my only one to this day. Long-distance and
strained. I needed a lot more than he could give me and I wasn’t what was good
for him in the long run. It was doomed from the start really but we gave it a
try. Why not? Everything good has to end at some point but you might as well
enjoy it while you can. It was quite the experience. I still think about him
from time to time. I’ll see something or be reminded of one of our limited
memories and think back on that boy fondly. We’re friends now. We had a good
end, though saddening, and parted with nothing but feelings of good will to the
other. I’m proud to say that we avoided the stupid typical breakup drama. I
wish that I will be able to say that for all of my future relationships. It
would break my heart to share a unique love with someone and then have it turn
to hate all because we couldn’t make it work. I don’t understand relationships.
I like to think I’m fairly realistic about them..but I’m not sure I am. I’m
seeing a boy right now, and I really like him. There are so many questions
though. I over-complicate things. Maybe
it’s time to throw those questions out the window and just live. Sometimes,
that’s the only way to make it through life, to just live it.
Every winter for the past three years I’ve fallen into a
depression of sorts. Like a seasonal depression. Only, it’s not depression, I’m
not sad, I’m apathetic. I kind of go
blurry for a month or two. I stop feeling much and just want to sleep or sit
with people and watch. Once Christmas break comes along I snap out of it for
the short time that it’s there but I fall back into it once school starts
again. Well, yesterday I lost all motivation for everything. I think my winter
apathy-fest is beginning. What makes me extremely unhappy about it though is
that I want to change. I want to break out of it so, so much! No one wants to
spend two months out of the year staring at walls and not feeling anything or
having motivation to do anything! My friends are going to leave if I can’t keep
them with my normal personality. {Isn’t it awful that I think I have to
continually be the upbeat, bouncy me for people to like me? It’s like I’m
scared that if I’m depressed for too long they won’t have the patience to deal
with me anymore. I need more faith in these people. These few people I call my
friends.} I don’t want the apathy! And I really think that people can change
most anything if they really try. But this is so different. It’s almost against
my will. It’s an internal force pulling me in and numbing my heart. If you read
through my journal entries the winter of ’09 though early ’10 you’d see that
I’m not making this up. I remember writing that it felt like I was asleep, like
I was walking through a really fuzzy dream life. It’s almost disconcerting. I’m
going to fight it. I don’t want that at all. Oh winter, be kind to me. Let me
feel and live still. The most passionate person alive can’t live without her
emotions, don’t take them away.
1:48
Let’s try this sleep thing again.
