Hot soup and pajamas after a strengthening, yet difficult, day.

I have not had one hug all day.

This is a crime. 

I demand a refund.

Well, I did it. I finally came out and talked about the issues I've been having. It was insanely frustrating to do it actually. I was expecting a completely different reaction. The one I got was rather stunning. Not in a good way. I don't think anything will change. I had to try though, right? I've made my peace. Maybe now it's time to move on.

I've already proved to myself that I can live without him. 

I'm strong. I'm capable.

I might be blunt
but hey
at least I don't lie.

Found

Actual conversation, word for word.


Mike - "I need to finish my book, I haven't read in months."
me - "I love reading! What book is it?"
Mike - "Seven Years in Tibet. It's a fabulous story of a mans journey to find himself."
me - "kinda like that Eat, Pray, Love movie? Well, I'm not gonna lie, I hate those 'finding yourself' stories. They always involve people leaving everything behind to go on a grand adventure for self-discovery. I {personal opinion} think that you find yourself through simplicity, not grandeur, and dropping your whole life is unnecessary. But I'm sure it's a great book nonetheless. :) "
Mike - "I think you just saved me from moving to Texas.."
me - "Haha, Mike, dearest, to find yourself you gotta get back to the basics. Family. Books. Nature. Learning. God. Prayer. Reflection. And looking for the hidden beauties that make you happiest. When you can identify those foundations, then you have found yourself. Once you've got those little, simple, beautiful things, you know yourself. Life's a process but it doesn't need to be over complicated.  Moving to Texas might be fun anyways though! :) "
Mike - "Mackenzie, I could listen to your wisdom for years. And I hope to. :) "

Interesting, no? He and I tend to have deep discussions.
He said something once I think is so beautiful. Though I've forgotten his exact words, I've never forgotten the essence.

I wish the world was flat so we could toss coins off the edge, listen to voices attempting to become echoes to no avail, and watch the water rush off into nothingness.

He's a dreamer, like me. Emotional and poetic, searching for something more to this life.

Capable of Becoming

Humans are so amazing. We hold so much power within us.

This new "exercising" thing is kind of killing me. It's a lot for me to handle. I honest to goodness had not used any workout equipment since my eighth grade year of middle school. That's five years. Needless to say, I am crazy proud of myself. I mean, I'm doing it. This is my first full week and I haven't died or quit outright yet. It's taught me something too! Here's what I'm learning. 

We hold ourselves back from our true potential so often. I would sit on that machine and think "there is no way on God's green earth that I can do one more. I'm quitting. This is it." But after talking with Jenna last night.. I tried out my newfound mental power. Everytime I thought "I can't do it," I would push the thought away and focus on something else. Whereas I was attempting to quit at seven, Julie had to stop me at twelve. When I stopped holding myself back and persuading myself I couldn't do it, I had abounding power behind every action. 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

Like the story of the man in the swimming pool. Man #1 says "hey, let's have a contest to see who can hold their breath longer" and man #2 takes him up on the challenge. Well the first guy stays under for like three minutes! Guy two is kinda blown away and a little skeptical, "how'd you do that?!" And the first guy explains that our bodies are capable of staying under so much longer and withstanding so much more than our brains let us believe. The instinct to survive sets in and we panic, pushing to the surface to fill our lungs. Our lungs are fine though. We could have stayed under longer. 
The problem is that we hold ourselves back. When we let go of those fears and insecurites, the ones that say "you can't do this", "you aren't good enough", "quit now".. then we go even further than we imagined.

This is true of every aspect of life, not just physically.
We have so much potential. 
Divine potential. 
As children of a royal King we are meant for greatness. Too often we push ourselves down, thinking we, as small and insubstantial as we are, can't possibly do anything "great" or "amazing". That ends now.
Have the courage, the confidence, the bravery to be all that you can be.

What is stopping you? Your insecurities? Societal norms? Fear of judgment? 

If you took a moment to think about what was holding you back from being everything you yearned for, from doing all that you've dreamed of, and achieving all of the seemingly impossible goals you've striven for ... I believe you would find that they are nothing. Nothing. They are concrete barriers put up in our mind that can be knocked down simply by recognizing how fraudulent and unbelievably disgusting they are.

When we make up our minds to stop pulling ourselves down.. to realize what truly stands between us and what we want.. then we realize our 

true power 

and 

inconceivable potential.

From mi madre

"The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love."

Tracy McMillan

Well, I still dread it. But, hey, good advice for any relationship, not just marriage.

New Light!

Don't worry guys, those of you {if there are any people reading this blog..} that knew I was depressed and beyond upset.. all is well. :)
I talked to my mommy. The only person who knows me so well that it's scary. She helped me out. I love her so much. She helped me see what I needed to do, where I went wrong {yes, I make mistakes. lots of them. all the time. it's bad.}, how to fix it, and that I am a great person that can do great things! I need to set my mind on what I want and let nothing stop me from getting it. Sometimes that will hurt. But it will get better. And I need to see things from other peoples perspectives. No man is an island and I tend to think I am. I tend to think that there is just me and forget that other people have more to them or their lives than what I can comprehend {I live up to my pet peeve of inconsideration quite nicely in some circumstances, haha}. That stops now. Time to see from their points of view!
Jenna has taught me a lot in the short time we've roomed together and here's one of the biggest lessons. Willpower. This girl is frickin insane. She sets her mind to something and BAM she's got it. Walked in here and said, "I want a boyfriend" found four potential bfs. Said, "I want Chase to be my boyfriend", a guy not even in the potential list and practically a stranger, and they're dating. She is the most determined, independent little thing I have ever seen. She decides to get over a guy and it's done. She decided she wanted a 4.0 so she can get into law school in New York and guess what.. it's happening. She's incredible. Just like my best friend Mikeala from high school! Scary. She and I were talking and she told me that I need to learn that. Decide today, right now, that nothing is going to stop you from getting what you want. Decide that if something isn't going the way you want it to, change it. Decide that you are worth it all. Go for it and let nothing stop you.
I'm going to be stronger.

Life lessons from tonight: stop being so needy {holy goodness child}, be more confident in yourself, don't let anyone make you feel unhappy, make up your mind to get what you want, and get what you want by using your unstoppable willpower.

I got this.

Big decisions

Well. This might be it.
I think it's time to re-evaluate where I'm at and how I feel about it.
I think it's time to make some major changes.
I think it's time to focus on what truly makes me happy and stop dwelling on what doesn't.
I think it's time to find people who appreciate me.
I think it's time to get rid of everything else.

I am an amazing, beautiful, strong daughter of God. I deserve to be happy.
And gosh darn it, that's exactly what I plan to be.

I'll be your Helena even though you're my Demetrius.

My roommate is moving out next semester.


I'm way sadder than anyone would have expected.

I'm turning into my mother

Look at this new craft I wanna do someday. When I have my own house. And light-bulbs.

Cute, no? Pinterest is so bad for me. It's giving me engagement/wedding/home/children/cooking/baking/decorating ideas. None of those ideas can even come to fruition right now except decorating! That's limited though because I live in a dorm and have a college student budget.
I wonder how Jenna would feel if I moved her into the hallway..

It's hard when someone is a priority to you... and you're just a convenience to them.

hyped up on life

Emotional day + no sleep +exercising the crap out of myself = I'm really hyper!!!!!
So I went to the gym with Julie after a surprisingly nice family home evening and she tried to kill me with tonight's workout. Dang. I discovered that I start my hysterical, crippling giggle when I can't push any farther. Sixty pounds seemed fine until I got on my third rep..then the giggles set in and I collapsed. Julie did her ashamed/embarrassed laugh and told me that not only was I a ridiculous pansy but I made the ugliest faces when I worked out. Thaaaanks Julie. ;) It was so fun though!!! I am so full of energy!!! I am so pms-y! hahhaa. Watch out world :) Mackenzie's hormones are on a rampage!! RAWRRRR.
Lookie lookie lookie. I like these. I shall tell you why.

This picture is actually Alex's desktop, haha. Cool little tidbit.
But it's the quote that I like.
I didn't really want to go to byu when the choice came.
But I followed the Lord because I knew he wanted me here and...
it's where I needed to be.

I love doing this.
This is totally me.
I'm a fruit, I know. A dramatic, poetic little thing.
But at least I'm {usually} happy!

Holy crap I needed to read this.
Perfect guys don't exist and I regret thinking I could mold one.
I'm going to be more easy-going on my boy. :)

EEEEEEEE!!!!!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS

I'm hyper and tired and emotional and motivated and depressed all at the same time! Whoa! That's what I get for not sleeping or shaving my legs. Wait. Shaving my legs has nothing to do with my happiness. It does make me feel pretty though! Although that's fairly irrational.. no one ever sees my legs.. why would that make me feel pretty..? Eh, it does. :) Oooh oooh oooh listen to this:

The sexiest curve on your body..

is your smile.

Yeah! Smiles! Woo! I like my smile. It cost like, a million dollars, so I feel obligated to use it often.. :) Actually, sometimes I smile so often that I feel like an idiot. Like people look at me and wonder if there's anything going on in my head or not because I smile all the time. Oh, and in pictures I can't not smile! I kinda sorta envy other people that make funny faces in pictures and still look good. I look dumb. Really dumb. It's rather unfortunate. They say "funny face picture" and everyone poses with strategically hilarious faces and I pause.. stare.. and then smile. How boring!!! Oh well. I gots me a good smile. :)

I'm going to read my book now.

Hahahaa, who are we kidding?! No I'm not. :) I'm gonna ramble some more!! Yay rambling!

Oh my gosh. 

Thank you Tim Tebow. You are amazing and suddenly twenty times more attractive to me. I can be a Broncos fan for you..

And with that.. I am collapsing in my nice comfy, seven feet off the ground bed.

Good night world.

Good night moon.

Good night spoon.

Good night mouse.

Good night house.

Remember to smile!

My Daddy just surprise visited me.
I really needed that actually.

Master plan

I had a plan. It was perfect and ready to be executed with precision.

• bed by 9:30 pm
• wake at 5:30 am
• workout at 6:00 am
• at 7:00 am do laundry, shower, get ready, eat breakfast, do some minor Creamery shopping
• 10 am anthropology
• 11 am to the library to pick up books and do homework
• at noon go to Doctrine and Covenants
• between 1 and 2 pm do homework and eat lunch
• american heritage at 2:00 pm
• hit the library by 3
• study until fhe at 7:00
• in bed by 8:30 to repeat tomorrow

A beautiful plan.
I was in bed by 9:30, check that off the list! I'm on a roll! I so got this! 5:30 here I come! I'm lyin here, trying to get some sleep and it's gonna be great! And I'm still lying here! And now it's eleven and I'm still awake! Wait a second. It's freaking two thirty. And I'm still awake. What?! Why am I still awake?! No!
Plan ruined.
Now it looks like this:

• bed by 2:00 am
• wake at 7:30 am
• 8:00 am through 8:00 pm   lksjf;oiaj w;oeifj;oiejf ;lakjsefds;idfuhgoiuehw,nxcviuyweruw!!!!!!!!!!!!                                     my mind is just a bunch of scribbles right now.

I am so disappointed in me. :( My plan was so perfect and beautiful! Why couldn't I sleep until two?! MY BODY HATES ME!!!!

Alright, Monday, bring it on. I got four to five hours of sleep and am totally mad at myself but I'm still gonna take you. Like a boss. I'm seriously determined to have a good day so don't mess with me.

This is perfect and adorable. Not real life but super sweet.

Calling up a friend when you should be asleep but you can't stop crying and she tells you all the things you didn't want to hear but knew were true deep inside anyway.

Sometimes I'd rather stay inside the bubble of convoluted logic I've made for myself rather than face the truth that I avoid. It seems like every step of the path I walk I make awful mistakes. Only I can't see them. When I ask someone walking beside me to look..they see it all. Then they tell me exactly where I went wrong and how I'm a screw up and can't do anything right and suddenly I see. They break through my illogical, dis-functional head. I can see retrospectively that I never should have done this from the start or shouldn't even have let that happen or done this to that person. 
Looking back with the aid of someone else I know just what went wrong and why it's messing up my life right now. 
My mistakes only become mistakes once someone shows me they were. Otherwise I go on in my abnormal, emotional way, messing up all the time. Every time I think I'm making a good decision it turns out to be completely wrong.

I think too much. 

Make it stop.

"At least when he was away she knew he couldn't see her if he wanted to. When he was close it broke her heart because he could see her.. and didn't want to."

mawwiage.

I'm scared of commitment because commitment leads to marriage. And marriage is not acceptable. Not now at least.
As awful as it is, that's part of why I have few qualms about dating Alex {not that we are dating.. but we totally are at the same time}. He's a premie, he's leaving. So I don't need to worry about getting too serious to the point of marriage.
I'm so anti-marriage.      I don't think there's anyone out there that will really be able to handle me though. My mom always said that I'm crazy and never getting married. Joking or not I can't help but feel she's right. Besides, what if I wake up one day, like both my parents did {my Dad several times over} and realize that I made a huge mistake, I don't love this guy and we can't be happy together? I won't divorce. That's not an option for me. So I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. And I'm too young! I have so many things I want to do! No way in heck that I'm going to have a man tie me down! "Now that we're married it's time for you to quit school and work and become a little house-maker and pop out babies every other year." Ahem. No. Thank. You. I want to travel and live alone and do crazy things and make my own money and be independent!
When marriage comes...if it comes... it better be at least seven years down the road and be to the perfect guy and be quick and painless. Better yank that band-aid off fast.

Sacrament notes

I have a tendency to take "notes" during Sacrament meeting so that my mind doesn't wander. My notes are just doodles of phrases the speaker says. The pages of my notebook actually look really cool afterward, haha.

If she makes time for you no matter what, shouldn't you do the same?

allegretto..

Symphony no. 7 in A Op. 92 by Beethoven
By far one of the only pieces of music that evokes that level of feeling in me.
This is a piece that I could listen to listen to again and again and still feel like the crap has just been inspired out of me.

All of Me

A boy played this for me once.

I pretty much died. On the spot.

I will tell you

Everyone deserves to be complimented. 
Everyone.
And if there is someone out there that has never received sincere words of kindness.. I will find them and change that.


Everyone has such greatness in them. All the souls on the earth today are children of a Heavenly King. They inherently have divine qualities that make them absolutely amazing! Sometimes they can't see that though. I want that to change. I want everyone to know how stunningly incredible they are. No one should ever feel worthless. I've been there. I've felt the overwhelmingly heavy sense of pointlessness and worthlessness. I found my purpose and my worth though. That is what I want for everyone else. No one should have to feel what I felt. Every single beautiful soul trudging through this life alongside the rest of us should know that they are of the utmost worth and beauty. If I could show that to everyone..my life will have been lived perfectly and fully. I can't even completely express how deep this desire is in me. I want to take the whole world in my arms and tell each individual what makes them beautiful and unique and special.

Sticky notes.

A dozen or so sticky notes line the shelf above my desk. 
They all hold scriptures or sayings that remind me of who I am and what my life is all about.












Romans 8:18
The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Everything you're going through, all of these trials and tribulations and sorrows..they're going to end. And when they end you will see that you had to suffer so that you could be refined and shine even brighter. There is glory in all of us. We are meant for something great. Once you make it through these hardships you will see what beauty it has wrought in your life.


Genesis 19:17
Look not behind thee.
Stop looking at the past. The past is the past is the past. You can't bring it back. You can't change it. There is no time in the present to worry about the past. Don't think about what you should have done, what you miss, how things happened, the regrets you have..that will not help you. Stop looking at the person you were and turn to the person you can and will become.


Joshua 3:5
Sanctify yourselves: for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you.
Get ready. Something great is coming for you. The Lord is going to work wonders with your life. That will be marvelous but you need to be prepared for it. Be pure and good enough that the Lord can use you as a vessel for his miracles. You will do great things through Him, wonders.


Doctrine and Covenants 25:10
Lay aside the things of the world and seek for things of a better.
The world pursues so many worthless things, it's unbelievable. It's so easy to fall into that pattern of seeking worldly lusts and desires. They definitely appeal to the natural man inside of us..but if we lay them aside.. if we look with an eternal perspective at what is really important in life we can see that they weren't worth it at all. There are better things to spend our lives, and our eternities, working for. It's time to lay those worldly pursuits aside and focus on our eternal pursuits.

clarity

"She's one of those girls who doesn't know what she's doing, but she wants to know everything will be worth it one day. She isn’t amazing at one thing, just good at a lot of things, and that’s all she’ll ever be. She wishes she could be different, but she lives her life to the fullest anyway. All she truly needs is love to keep her sane. She looks at her world like it’s a book, with pages being read everyday. She’s her own worst enemy and hardest critic. She knows she has flaws and tries to accept them, even though she knows she never fully will. More than anything, though, she just wants to make a difference one day, and she wants someone to remember her name."

Mols.tumblr

My mind is going way too fast. 
It's everywhere and nowhere; weaving in between the nothingness of space and the chaos of war.
Sometimes I get scared to be alone with my thoughts. They spiral out of control. Before I know it I'm curled up sobbing and trying to hold my soul's fractured pieces together. 

Besties.

There's a reason why Mitch is my best friend.

He makes me laugh.
He's such a little goofball.

He's willing to come outside with me at midnight
to draw pictures because I couldn't sleep.

This is his drawing.
He's so freakin hilarious!

He's willing to have a spontaneous photo shoot in a leaf pile.

Again with the spontaneity and our shared love of leaves.

What can I say about this kid? We just get each other. Seriously, he gets me and I'm {pretty sure} I get him too. He can make me laugh when no one else can. He is so selfless and caring. Whenever I need him, he's there. He will sit and listen to me talk, cry, laugh for hours. Patience and kindness, that's what he's made of, I swear. An absolute sweetheart. The stupid things that I think are super fun he is always willing to do. And more often than not, he thinks they're super fun too! I know I can lean on him for anything. I wish the whole world could see what a great guy he is! 

That is why he is my best friend.

Leave it all behind

I love you Bing Crosby.

To the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world.
Unknown

I just gotta say..

life is so good to me.

Thanksgiving is over..

Alex and I have so much in common it's kind of disturbing. And I am not exaggerating. It's gotten to a point where I stop saying "me too!!!" when he talks about loving or doing or thinking or feeling something the exact same way that I do. I just assume that we probably share the same sentiment regarding everything.
He's been talking about Christmas lately. He's a rather nostalgic person {like me. shocking, I know} and loves Christmas. Like me. Again, shocking. Recently he mentioned his favorite Christmas memory/activity, which is, surprisingly, the exact same as mine.
Sitting by the lit-up Christmas tree in the dark.
It's three in the morning and I woke up, suddenly unable to sleep. I'm fourteen and the Christmas tree is in the front room, white lights and red, silver, and gold ornaments. The couch sat in front of it, facing the tree and the windows behind it, I sat on it and soaked in the feeling of the season. The rain fell outside and the tree's lights reflected off of the drops. The nativity sat on top of the piano and there were Santa and reindeer pillows surrounding me.

Everything about this picture.. fills me with indescribable happiness.

Let the Christmas season begin.

Thanksgiving Break Day 3

Happy Thanksgiving!
Today Aunt Kathie picked me up around noon and we drove out to South Jordan! That was actually an extraordinarily uncomfortable car ride as her and Makayla are fighting over Makayla's desire to drop out of hs and get her GED and move to California with her boyfriend. The rays of unhappiness with one another radiating from off those two rendered me quite speechless, unfortunately. So I stared out the window and dreamed of Christmas lights. And then we were there. :) I love this home, my grandparents'. I love being here. I even wrote about it here. I felt so comfortable and nice and happy even though I was in the midst of super crazy Utah Mormon Treu's. We ate dinner and sat around and talked and Dad and I set up a webcam and it was just so nice! After everyone left I did this, which was great. :) It's been a fabulous Thanksgiving.
In the spirit of this holiday, I'm going to do something insanely cliche.
Here's what I'm grateful for:

• My family. The crazy, the mean, the strange, the loud, the annoying, all of them. I love my family.
• Light. I love the sun, lightbulbs, and sunrises, sunsets, everything in between, warm spots on the carpet from the sun, candles, flashlights. I love it all. I love coming home and throwing open the blinds to let the sun pour in and warm my life. I'm so grateful for it.
• Education! I love that we have the ability to learn and the capability to continue learning. I just love learning, period. Not necessarily school.. but I do love gaining knowledge. :)
• Coats and blankets. It's cold here and I would probably die without them.
• My viewpoint. I am so grateful that I was born with the eyes to see things the way I do, to view people as the incredible, beautiful creatures they are. I see a hundred different beautiful things walking down the sidewalk than most anyone else ever could.
• My Mommy. Period.
• My friends. They're pretty great. I've never had a ton of friends, that's not me. I usually just have a handful of really, really tight, close friends and a whole bunch of acquaintances. This handful of people.. I love them. They make my life so much fun and are always there for me.
• The gospel! Oh, Mormon-y answer, I know, but I really am. Sometimes I wonder why I, of all people, was born into the gospel but I am exceedingly grateful that I was! The Church is true, I promise. :)
• Food.
• Sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving kids. Have a good one. Smile and be happy. 

Crafting pretty

I'm going to do this with my boy. :)
I like to do creative crap like this. I find the strangest, most addictive joy in silly, childish arts and crafts.

Melting crayons for pictures.

Beautiful. :)

This is what I think.

take a deep breath.

remember.

every day.

Good morning.

Observations

Most everyone started to leave around six and I was left with the grandparents, my aunt Julie, and a Dad already in bed so as to be rested for his night job. Since the older people were watching politics, and Dad had given me his keys to entertain myself I decided to go for a drive.
I love driving. I miss having a car because I could just leave. I love to drive for miles and miles and get lost and then found and just think and dream and sing and feel the thrill of speeding and looking at lights and the feeling like I'm going somewhere with my life. 
So I decided to go for a drive around South Jordan/the whole Salt Lake Valley to clear my head and get hopped up on the drive high. I tried to sneak out. Grandma caught me. "What're you doing?" "Oh, just gonna go for a quick drive, I'll be back in an hour." "Oh! How nice! I'll go with you!"
This Grandma, my father's mother, is quite the woman. I really can't describe her sufficiently. She's bossy and always right and independent and judgmental and opinionated and an amazing homemaker and strong and scary and intimidating but also caring and wants the best for people... she's a million things. You really can't understand her until you meet her and talk with her for a couple hours. Then, and only then, can you possibly understand the depth of this woman. I love her and am terrified of her and really didn't want her to come along on my drive. If there's anything the Treu's have taught me though, it's to just roll with it. These people over-dramatize everything and make the little things into huge deals. I've learned that you gotta let it go sometimes {just like they seemingly can't do}. So I let it go, "okay grandma!" and she came with me. I tolerated her chatting for a while and then we got to the meat. The good stuff. Grandma and I both love this quote and live by it (to an extent of course)


Small minds discuss people.
Average minds discuss events.
Great minds discuss ideas.
Eleanor Roosevelt (I think? haha)

We started talking about the gospel and life and experiences and trials and politics and everything. It was awesome. She turned to me and said, "you, Mackenzie, are an observant person." She couldn't have pinpointed me more perfectly. Sometimes I get really quiet when I'm in a group of people. One might think  that I'm spacing out. I've been accused of being depressed. Others think I'm sitting there silently judging people. No! Sometimes true but generally not! I'm just observing. I like to take it all in. Later, I can remember the strangest things like what shirt he was wearing, who she sat by, what time it was, the color of her nail polish, the way he was sitting. I observe how they treated each other, how people feel about other people, who didn't want to be there, and a ton of other things. I notice a lot.
Tidbit about me.
I'm observant.
Now you know.

slowly learning

Sometimes life just hurts and there's nothing you can do about it except trudge through, learn your lessons, and look forward to tomorrow.
Right now I'm kinda hurtin. And it's definitely my fault. Self-inflicted pain.. I'm something of a masochist. But the problem is that I didn't intend to hurt myself. I was just enjoying life and then BAM.. it turns around and stabs me in the back.
First it was like, oh yeah, life's so much fun, I'm gonna date a bunch of different people and make tons of friends and do homework and have an awesome life and woo hoo everything's so dandy!!! look at me! dandy as can be!
Then it was like, oh, dang, this kid's so much fun. I'm gonna kinda-sorta date him but at the same time not really because there are other guys and it's gonna be great and it is great and woo hoo everything's a freaking hot air balloon of awesomeness! look at this! life's just super!
And next it was life, oh, crap, I like this kid a lot. I am totally in over my head because I like him way too much but I'm still trying to date around but it feels pointless because I like him but that's okay because life is still wonderful and he's wonderful and everything's wonderful and yeah! woo hoo! freakin great man!
And now it's like. Oh. No. I like this kid. Way too much. More than he does. And he's leaving. I've totally screwed myself over. I put myself in a position to get hurt. I'm an idiot. If I could go back and make myself a little less into him or something.. just so I could stop the impending heartbreak.. I think I would. I'm a fool. I fall for people too fast, it's unhealthy! I like being in relationships or "with" somebody. If I let it consume me then it's bad but I don't think that desire itself is necessarily bad. Here is the problem with that need of mine, there's no one to date! There are two options. 1. Premies. They're immature and all looking to just get around before they go out on a mission. They're safe sure, no marriage quite yet because they're leaving, but you have to guard your heart because they're leaving. 2. RMs. They're back from their mission, mature, horny, and just wanna get hitched. They are scary. I semi-dated one and he scared the crap out of me on multiple levels. That's just a no. SO. Dating sucks even while it's awesome. I didn't work the system quite right and now I'm going to get hurt. It's a delicate balance, one that I didn't strike precisely. 
Love is a mess. An ugly, scary, enticing, exciting, stupid mess.
We always keep coming back for more though, don't we? Love; ever-painful, ever-necessary.
Love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
Maya Angelou

Thanksgiving Break Day 2

Wednesday, November 23rd.
I had zero plans for this day but they ended up coming out of nowhere!
Around ten Mitch called to see if I wanted to go to Salt Lake! Uh, heck yes please. So JJ, Mitch, and I went to drop Brent off at the slc and then hung out at some random mall in Sandy for like three hours. I bought a cute sweater! On the way home we got mildly lost as we tried to find some llamas, but they were hiding so we went home. When I got home at four I immediately crashed {in my fort} for a nice little hour-long nap. I woke up and went to dinner with Mitch. We ended up chatting for forty-five minutes. That kid is the best. So I went home and did some laundry..blogged a little..cleaned..and then. Out of the blue. What do I hear? Twigs being thrown at my window. It was Alex. :) I didn't think I would get to see him since he's at home over break but he got off work earlier than planned and decided to be so freaking sweet and surprise me and take me out. Sammy's Pie Shakes - surprisingly delicious. We had a lovely time. He's .. well, let's not get corny on here. He's just the best, okay? Super amazing. It's hard to say goodbye to him. And it will be even harder soon.
Anyway, it was a very nice day. I love those days when I really don't have anything to do and then things pop out of the blue and I have a blast. I love spontaneity! I love being surprised! I love being thought of! I'm such a girl. haha. Oh, and that morning I got a letter from an "anonymous friend" *cough cough*Mitch*cough cough* that was so nice! It is so nice hearing that there's at least someone out there that likes me. I'm definitely my own worst critic so I need compliments every once in a while,     day,    minute.. ya know. It was very thoughtful and I appreciated it a lot. See? Spontaneous and sweet! Perfect for me.
Am I needy?
Maybe.
Probably.
Yes. :)

Thanksgiving Break Day 1

Tuesday, November 22
The first official-ish day of break for me as I just had one class that morning.
Here's what I did:

• worked out! Second time in five years that I have stepped foot on any exercise equipment. So proud, so proud.
• went to the basketball game with Mitch and Alex! Two best guy friends. :) The best!
• Made thanksgiving day crafts! Like these!

Happy thanksgiving with pretty leaves around it. :)

A turkey with a leaf butt.

And a turkey with a different kind of leaf butt!
His is made out a bunch of little ones.
I dedicate this to Kaila.

• and then I made a fort that I proceeded to watched a movie and sleep in. It looked way better and fun in person. This is the ugly side.

All in all a pretty darn good first day! The roommates gone so I got to jam out to loud music, I had the option of running around naked but I didn't, the lights were out by midnight thirty! It was great. :)

Paradox

http://mols.tumblr.com/post/13217603827

imaginary thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is in two days. I decided that since I'm an adult, legally and all, I should be cooking my own Thanksgiving meal. Unfortunately, I don't own a home, I lack the means, and I have a family that is willing to cook for me anyway as they know that my cooking skills are somewhere between non-existent and deathly. I don't care though. I am cooking a Thanksgiving dinner in my own head. It is an imaginary dinner. It will be delicious. Here are some selections from the menu.

The appetizer.
Some sort of delicious, pretty cupcake nonsense.

The main dish is pumpkin waffles.
As I've never had these..
I'm guessing they're delicious.
Pumpkin waffles with cinnamon maple syrup.

Dessert!
This pretty treat!

More dessert of scrumptiousness.

I don't even know. But it looks yummy. :)

Pumpkin-y pecan-y stuff!

chocolate? yes. dessert.

CINNAMON ROLL.
A must-have at every Thanksgiving
(or any meal. seriously.)

I'm... not sure what this is. :)

I think this is like a monkey bread thing-y.
I'm game!

And, of course, no Thanksgiving meal is ever, ever, complete without mashed potatoes. That's right. So, we're going to throw them in as a post-dessert-if-you-still-have-room-which-you-probably-don't kind of deal. Just for funsies. And if the guests are too full then I will put human-sized portions in plastic baggies for everyone to take home as a gift. Goodie bags of potatoes! :)

poe-tae-toes

The guest list! Very important stuff.

My family. That's the immediate fam and all other extended family members that pass my background check. The background check consists of whether or not I deem you crazy. That automatically eliminates most than half of the people that share my DNA.

My friends! Julie, Jenny, Alli, Jenna, Ethan, Alex, Mitch, Tanner, other, less attractive Tanner, Hannah, and, and. Oh. That's it. Well that's embarrassing.

And no Mackenzie Thanksgiving dinner is complete without homeless people! I'll grab some that were waiting in line at the soup kitchen. I'll choose three and it will be the three that smell the least like hobo. I may be kind but, come on, there's only so much I can do if you're going to rape my sniffer with your stench. Let's not be silly here.
Everyone will come dressed as turkeys and pilgrims, in pairs. And then we will pretend to brutally slaughter all of the turkeys to eat and watch the pilgrims get massacred by deadly diseases and cold winters like the real ones did. It'll be horrifically realistic and super, duper fun.

I'm excited.

I bet your Thanksgiving will be nowhere near as fabulously disgusting and amazing as my imaginary one will be. It's okay, that's how most things are. No one comes close to my awesomeness. ;)

pet peeves

I'm pissed. I hate hate hate when people neglect their commitments or act like no one else's schedule matters. I hate when people live life like the world revolves around them and everyone can just push their schedule's around to accommodate them. That is so inconsiderate.
Biggest pet peeve: inconsideration
Nothing quite gets under my skin than people who refuse to acknowledge that they share this world and have to consider other people's feelings, actions, schedules, and lives. Holy goodness. I can't stand it. Jerks!
Alright, I'm done complaining.

Dr Crandall is visibly upset that only about ten people came to lecture today. Sir, everyone else cancelled, yet you expect us to come? Ha.

Wait a second.
What am I doing here??

here we go

Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given rather than explore the power they have to change it.
Impossible is not a fact; it's an opinion.
Impossible is not a declaration; it's a dare.
Impossible is potential.
Impossible is temporary.
Impossible is nothing.
Nike
I did something today that I thought was impossible. I went out and did it. The belief that I couldn't has stuck with me for the longest time. Today, I shattered that perception. In the very act of doing so I have given myself new hope for the future, a renewed commitment to try everything I've always wanted to, take a chance, and become the person I was born to be. So here I go, reckless and bounding, ready to hold life tight in my arms and show it what I'm made of.