The closest we are able to get to taking a decent picture together.
We're actually freakin adorable, you just can't tell.
Even though he isn't looking at the camera in that second one you can still kind of see how cute he is. When Julie met him she immediately texted me "Kah-yoooot!". Yup. I really like his handsome face.

I know it's life-threatening and all.....

I probably shouldn't have laughed so hard when Julie told me she has mono.

But..

*heeehhehehe*

Julie has mono and I can't stop laughing.

Holy crap.

I live such a good life.

I've seen the paths that your eyes wander down 

I wanna come too-

Paraphrasing Mulan

"Would you like to stay for dinner?"
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?!?"

Haha I like how a lot of my posts lately have been about sleep.
Better continue the tradition!
I am such a happy little human when I get a full nights' sleep and wake up naturally, without an alarm. Which means I'm a lot happier right now than usual when I wake up hahaha

Collin treated me so well {I can count the exceptions on maybe one hand}. It shocked and amazed me how good he was to me. My little heart was always in awe.
And after he broke up with me I felt like I'd have to search really hard to find that kind of relationship again. The kind where I felt valued and safe and well-taken care of. It seemed so once-in-a-lifetime to me.
So then I jumped into this crazy thing with Jordan. I kept my expectations low since I truly didn't believe he, or anyone, could be as good to me as Collin was. Well... I don't know if it's coincidence, or the Lord's hand, or something else, but here I am again, just a month after the last one, feeling shocked and awed at how happy a guy is making me. Am I really just that lucky, to get two guys in a row, in such close proximity, that are so good to me? Is it the Lord's way of blessing me for doing who-knows-what right? Is it because I seriously have no expectations?
I don't know what happened to let me be with these two amazing guys. I'm just going to enjoy every minute of it.

And so, I guess, this is my unofficial, unspoken thank you to them both. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for the smiles and the compliments. Thank you for the hugs while I cry and the comfort when I stress. Thank you for the Taco Bell that night I thought I'd die of exhaustion and embarrassment. Thank you for driving me home when I was going to walk. Thank you for making me feel important and necessary. Thank you for taking me to lunch and sacrificing time for me. Thank you for welcoming me into your life and accepting me into your group of friends. Thank you for all the subtle hints and signals about how you feel dropped like inside jokes. Thank you for taking it slow and letting me be your friend first. Thank you for listening to my pointless stories and stupid ramblings and obnoxious complaints. Thank you for putting up with my antics and hormones. Thank you for not thinking I'm completely insane. Thank you for bragging to your friends about me. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, for however brief a moment it was and may be. You are both people I will never forget. I'm indebted to you both.

I have never been so grateful for good friends as I am today.

I hate snow.
I HATE SNOW.

Feeling so happy! I'm doing my best in school, I love work, I've got the gospel, and a cute boy!!! What more do I need? :)

I am such a romantic at heart and today I'm feeling so mushy and cheesy.
Who has two thumbs and keeps hitting "more pins" on the romantic quotes and pictures section on Pinterest? Meeeee.

Haha, this is pathetic.

I abbhor vending machine crap food. But as Jordan pointed out, crap food is better than no food.

If I cry for you, it's a good thing.
It's when I don't cry any more that you should be nervous.

I like ballet for the same reason I loved theater.
It gives me that opportunity to completely escape myself. I can throw off what encases who I am and become someone else.
When you get up on that stage and the lights shine down and you step into character it's... freeing. It's draining and scary and hard but beautifully liberating. I was driven by theater. It was the most creative and inspired I've ever been. I could be anyone! I was born a white, American, female and raised to be a certain person. I can't change some things. But in theater you can see what it's like to be someone else with a different story and different circumstances. It's an exploration process that shows you who you are in the end.
Ballet is the same for me. It lets me step out of who I usually am and do something completely different. I get to be graceful and confident and talented. I change into that leotard and tights, tie on the slippers, stand at the barre and it's like I'm really a dancer. And, if you know me, you know I am definitely not a dancer. Heavens I'm uncoordinated and clumsy. Ballet gives me a chance to escape that.

Proof I wake up angry: When I wake up one of the first things I think is how much I hate everything.

Oi, eating too much while on my period makes my stomach feel really  disgusting.

So I was trying to list the pros and cons of having a period. Only I couldn't come up with a pros list. Except maybe "not pregnant". But that doesn't matter right now. There's no way I could be pregnant. I guess someday that will matter.

I have so much to do this week it's ridiculous.
I have this weekly ritual of looking at my planner for the week Sunday night. I just stare at it. And then rock back and forth from being so stressed out. It kind of turns into a stress coma. Stress coma commence!!! ;)

Dream house.
Add in a forest, that is. I can't escape the Washington within me.

Tell me to be patient one more time. I dare you.
I'm already trying hard enough to be patient with life and people. Being explicitly told to just pisses me off.

My geek is showing again

Is it nerdy that I want a big poster of the Periodic Table of Elements on a wall in my room?
And a wall-wide whiteboard for math problems? And a bigger desk to fit all of my office supplies?

I want to travel and get out of this bubble. I want to see places and things. I don't like spending all of my time HERE.

Someday I'll find my out.

Hehe

Advice for my sisters: First kisses are always a little awkward. I've only had one (of my now 7) that wasn't uncomfortable in some way. I know turning sixteen sounds magical and exciting. You can date, drive, kiss. But don't build it up too big. Because your first kiss will probably suck and leave you questioning why people like it. Hhaha I'm sorry! I just want you to be aware! It will get better, and it will eventually not be weird and gross, but that first one? Awkward-ville. Just looking out for you, sissies. :)

No big deal or anything, but Jordan treats me like a princess. Like I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Like he really needs me in his life.
The last one to treat me this way ended up hurting me. Hard. I think Jordan and I are different though. I'm looking forward to everything about us. :)

This morning: woke up with killer cramps, fell on the ice and hurt my knees, broke my lunch all over my ballet clothes, and generally feel awful.
*sigh*

Mm.. When I said I wanted it to rain I did not mean freezing rain. Provo is now an ice rink death trap.

It's time for me to take a second and express my gratitude for Jordan.
This kid and I were friends for four months before any of this started happening. And during that time he became one of my best friends. He showed me true friendship and compassion, let me open to him as he did the same, and was there for me whenever I needed it, especially after the breakup. Honestly, if he hadn't have been there listening to me and checking up on me during those hard days I don't know who I would have talked to. And now that we're seeing each other as something more than friends I am even more grateful for him. He is so terribly sweet to me. And I'm not sure he realizes it. A lot of the things he does that I really appreciate are things he doesn't think about doing. He's just that sweet and kind by nature I guess!
Yesterday I had an awful day. Really just a horrendous one. I was going to be on campus from eight to eight, working six hours, I had no sleep, was hungry and only had a thing of soup... It was one of those bad days where the end is not in sight. I get this text from Jordan around one:
"I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come over, do dinner and watch a movie at my apartment. I figured you might have wanted to just relax after your long day. Give you something to look forward to after work. :) did you drive or should I pick you up?"
Basically made me cry in history class. Seriously I started tearing up and got all emotional and crap (blame the hormones and no sleep... Actually, no, that's just my personality.. Never mind). That was so thoughtful and kind and loving. That he would think of me and offer all those nice things for me touched my heart. He did pick me up and we ate and watched a movie... It was so nice and low-key. It was one of the most wonderful evenings I've had with him and it wasn't even that big of a deal, ya know? We just hung out and chilled! But it meant the world to me.
And he does this kind of stuff all the time. Granted, we've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now, but he is still just blowing me away with how well he treats me. Haha, last night the poor kid goes (after I gushed to him about how sweet he was doing all of these things for me) "I don't want you to get really high expectations though". That kind of shocked me. It's because I have no expectations for him that I'm so pleased with him.
When I dated Alex I had all the expectations in the world for him. He was to text me good morning, talk to me all day, see me all the time, take me out to eat as often as possible, compliment me every other word, take me on romantic dates, etc etc. I am ashamed of the expectations I had. I am ashamed of what kind of girlfriend I was. Looking back Alex was amazing and was such a good boyfriend but at the time all I saw were his flaws because of my expectations. I've since stopped. Jordan has no expectations from me. At least, none out of the norm, haha.
Before dating Collin I didn't know how well I could be treated. He really opened my eyes. And now Jordan's backing it up. I feel like I really must have done something right. :)

It's interesting getting out of a relationship and moving into a new one so fast. You find yourself comparing a lot. Luckily for Jordan {yes, cute boy is Jordan, haha, who else saw this coming way back in October?} he is so so awesome and the comparisons have not been negative toward him or Collin at all. Rather, just differences, ya know? It's never, "Well Collin always did this but Jordan doesn't." It's more like, "Huh, Jordan does things this way whereas Collin did them this way." I really can't think of anything {substantial and important at least} that either one did better.

Jordan is treating me so well though, I'm dang impressed.

It's one of those mornings, that are far and few between, where I wake up praying for help

because I can't make it through today on my own.

If I had more money I'd buy soup, a panini, and an Odwalla every day and would not feel this hungry all the time.
{Lost another 3 pounds - not good}

Things that are making me happy today!

Thinking that someday I might be able to dance like her. Look at her turnout! LOOK AT IT.

Geology. Look at those layers, baby. Mm.

Studying chemistry. Even though I'm awful at it and am a little lost, I still like it a lot! (H2SO4 is sulfuric acid by the by - haha get it?)

This cute boy always makes me happy! I haven't talked to or seen him today but it doesn't matter, he makes me happy all the time :) this picture of us... Hahha oh my he's got a talent for faces. We were making pizza and it was SO DELICIOUS.

It's Jenny's birthday today! I love her and her cute face in this sideways picture that I can't rotate on my iPad. She's so awesome! Happy birthday gorgeous!

I'm so glad that the one night I manage to get to bed at a really good hour I wake up at midnight with a throbbing headache and never get back to sleep. Why, world?! Why?! I just want to get a full night of sleep!!!
So now today I'm tired and PMS-y and stressed. This ought to be interesting. My best guess is it will end in tears or fighting.
And now for my desperate attempt at salvaging Tuesday.

Today I had to make a grown-up decision. That sweet boy asked if I wanted to see a movie tonight with him and his friends. It started at 945. Several factors were involved in the making of this decision:

• I still had homework to do.
• I needed, needed, needed to go to bed at a decent hour.
• Payday isn't until Friday and I'm having trouble making the funds stretch till then.
• But cute boy was going to be there....

So even though I told him I'd go yesterday, I rescinded my statement today. I spent a little while being sad but got to doin' my thang and felt fine. Around 930 he sends me a text asking if I was tired or if I fell asleep in movies. Yes, tired, no, don't sleep during movies. He then told me he was thinking maybe I could go and just sleep in the theater. Hahahaha, he would rather have me there and asleep then not there at all! Umm, sweetest thing ever?! Purty much, yez. Totes adorbs. ;) He's such an adorable little sweetheart. I'm so grateful for him. :)

Texting Problems.

My new phone doesn't like my style of texting very much yet.

My style of texting directly reflects how I speak in real life

so I liberally sprinkle in "haha"s and smileys where they really would be.

My phone translates more than one "haha" {as in "hahahhaha"} into "hatchbackers" and with every extra haha it says hatchbackgagagag.

My phone also doesn't believe in the use of the word "crap" and instead goes for "bras". "Holy bras" and "what the bras" it is, phone.

Smiley faces must have a nose like this :-) and erasing the nose pisses my phone off.

The first typing function my little phone comes up with when I go to create a new message is caps lock T9. "HEY JULIE ARE YOU HOME?" and "WHAT TIME ARE WE MEETING?" have almost been sent on more than one occasion.

And now for another round of... midnight ramblings!!!
In this exciting episode Mackenzie will provide commentary on the course of today that included: going to church, conducting a visiting teaching RS meeting, taking a 3 hour nap, eating pie, going to ward prayer, eating spinach, and spending time with the sweetest boy in town!
Let us begin.

• My room-roommate was out of town for the weekend and lent me her blankets... so today's three hour nap {horrible idea - I'm wide awake now} was sooo cozy and warm. :) I'm sick of being cold.
• I know I like someone a lot when saying goodbye becomes a chore. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, saying goodbye to this darling boy is harder for me than my independent nature and I would like to admit.

This is the only picture of he and I. And it's not even that good, I know!
Point is, he's a ridiculously silly, kind, funny, thoughtful little dear and I adore him.

• This freaking dry-skin epidemic plaguing my face like a white, flaky goatee is driving me up a wall. The acne has died down considerably but the dry skin is intolerably obnoxious! It's like dandruff on my face or something..
• When I spend a day with people {like unto today} I look forward to my alone time and eagerly plan out how to avoid human contact. When I spend a day alone I look forward to my social time and eagerly plan out what to do with all that human contact. It's seriously kind of messed up. I epitomize the grass-is-greener syndrome in that aspect of life. Generally speaking though, I like to be alone. And am definitely craving an alone day right about now.
• I am still afraid of the dark gosh darn it.
• Relationships are a huge risk. You put yourself on the line and open up and create an intense vulnerability I have yet to find elsewhere. Collin hurt me in a way that I've never been hurt before. I'm super over him and on to better things, but the last repercussions of the break up are making their way over me. He didn't break my heart into a million little pieces, I wasn't shattered, I didn't feel destroyed. But there are pieces of me that he did break. Not all of me. Just little pieces. There are parts of my confidence that were cut deep, and still struggling to heal. He left that the most badly broken; my confidence. There are corners of my soul that don't want or know how to trust or open up any more. And because of him I feel that much more pessimistic about happy endings. Sadly, though I despise admitting it, he also managed to make me feel as though I don't deserve a lot of things. I fight it every time I feel it. But I find myself feeling like I don't deserve to be treated well, like I don't deserve love, and like I don't deserve true compassion. All wrong, I know, but the feelings remain. Part of me hopes the guy I'm seeing now will help heal me but I know I need to sort this out on my own. It was a risk dating him, an experience I'll never forget or regret, and a gamble I lost.

Funniest thing I heard all day:

"It is my mission in life to punch a seagull."

In retrospect I'm not sure why I laughed so hard but I still think that's ridiculously funny.

Ooooh today is one of those days where I realize taking a three hour nap was a really awful idea.

It'd be kind of fun to go sailing right now.
Wait, no. I don't particularly enjoy being on boats.
Mm.. nah, sailing still sounds fun right now.

If it's past eleven at night, stop thinking. Really, just stop thinking. Your mind doesn't work well after then.
That being said, for it being two in the morning I made some really good decisions tonight. Ones I'm slightly hesitant over but ones I'm feeling good about.
I figure this time in my life only comes once so I better experience the crap out of it. :)

I love when people say my name.

I don't know why I wake up angry every morning but I totally do. Legitimately angry. And a lot of the time also embarrassed.
I think it has to do with my alarm clock.

So, Kenz, what were you doing at one-thirty in the morning??
Falling asleep to the sound of myself shoving handfuls of pretzels and Nutella into my mouth at an alarming rate. Typical night.

On another note, ballet was super crazy intense today and seriously my butt hurts like heck. It wasn't even the worst we'll be doing. I better be awesomely toned and flexible when this is over. I also better be a stellar ballerina. And I really hope coordination comes in there too eventually.

Cute boy and I met in September.
He took me on one date and it was awful. We both decided it wasn't going to go anywhere and friends was definitely better for us. I mean, it was not a good date as far as relationship potential goes. I had a good time but I was not impressed with him. I loved his group of friends and we continually hung out through fall. I liked him for a little while through October but Collin trumped him on all points. I liked him but never thought much of it because it'd never happen. I was crazy for Collin and I didn't think he'd like me anyway. He seemed too different for me. By the time I was done liking him and had started dating Collin, lo and behold, he confessed to liking me and furthermore decided that he would sabotage my relationship with Collin.
His sabotage plan didn't last long but did actually make life frustratingly hard. I'd never really stopped liking him but liked Collin a million times more. It was odd. I still wanted to be friends but was wary because I knew he liked me and it was weird and finally I decided to distance myself. We didn't really talk or hang out in December. I thought it would be kind of inappropriate to be such good friends still if he openly liked me and I was struggling to repress liking him while dating Collin.
After Collin broke up with me he was right there. He would check up on me and listen to me and make sure I knew how special and loved I am. If he hadn't been around for it all I wouldn't have done as well. I came back to Utah, we started hanging out, and all the feelings came back.
We like each other, that's established. But I don't know where we're going or what will happen. I'm not sure if we'll actually date. We have really, really different views on relationships. We see things so differently I'm not sure we could reconcile that. Blake asked me today how I felt about a certain aspect of this relationship and I said, "I'm not sure if I like it," and he responded, "but it's worth it, right?" I kind of thought about it and said, "I don't know yet."

So that's how things stand. That's my love life. I know how I want things to go and I know what he wants and I'm not sure they're the same. But I don't care. I like this kid and want to spend as much time as I can with him now in case things don't work out.

Two fluffy winter jackets and finalllllyyy I feel warm. Haha gosh it's cold.

Julie and Jordan

Urgh, that stupid moment when you're angry at someone, they don't know it, and then they start having a bad day and you can't help but set aside your anger to make them feel better. And you're like, NO, stop it, I am angry at you and can't cheer you up. Pay attention to me being angry at you!!! But nooooo, even when pissed off I can't help but put them in a better mood.

I don't want to be patient with people any more. :p

Let me remind the entire male population that if you don't make me feel wanted or needed you can screw off. I will not waste my time with you if I'm not worth yours.

On that note I'm also listening to Skyway Avenue by We the Kings over and over again. Goooood stuff :)

Also digging "love" by Matt White. Cute and upbeat while also slow.. Haha it's good :)

oh ya know.. just MILDLY OBSESSED with this song.

Conversations on Repeat in my Head

Saturday
Mark: We have a goal of selling so-and-so many such-and-such for restaurant during this promotion!
Me: Is that permission to flirt really hard?
Ashley: I'm putting you on cash register for the rest of this. You're too pretty to not use as a weapon.

Three Weeks Ago
Grant: What's wrong with Kenzie?
Mom: She had her heart broken by a mean boy, GrantC. *Grant hugs me*
Morgan: I had my heart broken by a boy once in second grade. It was pretty rough.

Two Months Ago
Collin: I've never had someone like you. I'd be devastated if you left. I don't know how I'd function.

Six Months Ago
Me: I don't know. Today I met the girl he likes. I just kinda pale in comparison.
Aj: No, you don't pale. You never pale.

brutal reminders

I've been trying to find the words

That express it all.

Succinctly

And eloquently.

Delicately.

I've been scouring the quotes

And pictures

And wisdom

I've collected

In order to convey what I feel.

Emotions don't speak well

And I think I'm

Lost in translation.

yes yes yes yes yes

"I want to live simply. I want to sit by the window when it rains and read books I’ll never be tested on. I want to paint because I want to, not because I’ve got something to prove. I want to listen to my body, fall asleep when the moon is high and wake up slowly, with no place to rush off to. I want not to be governed by money or clocks or any of the artificial restraints that humanity imposes on itself. 

I just want to be, boundless and infinite."

Just sittin in chem and find out my grandma has stage 3 cancer. No big.

I shouldn't be so easily impressed. I watched cute boy play guitar hero and was flipping out over how good he was. It's a video game Mackenzie. Calm down.
He has other real, impressive qualities as well, I assure you. But playing guitar hero on level expert was kind of awesome..

D&C 46:11

You don't have to be perfect. You aren't going to have every talent and gift and good quality. That is okay. Perfection is thankfully not a prerequisite to exaltation any more, because of Christ.
I feel like, especially as women in Relief Society, we look at other women and say, "oh *Suzy* is so this and that and has all of this together and is so well put together and I wish I had her talents and could do what she could do blah blah blah"

The world already has Suzy. The world doesn't need another Suzy. The world needs you.

Improve what you've been given. Strive for excellence, strive for progression, strive for more. But don't worry about what you weren't born with naturally. God made you who you are. And God does not make anything imperfect.

Not the first time I've received this compliment but probably the first time I've believed it.
"You have a talent for making people feel loved, Mackenzie."

Aww just warms my heart :)

My roommate Jen is the absolute best :)

I really like going with the flow sometimes. I'm a natural stresser but when I let it go I really enjoy it. :)

Practicing unforgiving, brutal honesty in a relationship will do more harm than good.

If you consistently express all the problems and complaints you have for a person you'll just end up driving them away. There are things better left unsaid. Yes, you should be able to be honest with your best friends, significant others, and family, but you should do so with the judgement in mind that they are human and not always capable of hearing every single negative thing you have to say about them, even if you later take it back.

Oh, just you know, another GREAT night. That cute boy I'm crushing on? May or may not have had his arm around me tonight.. Maybe cuddling.. I'm giddy like a little schoolgirl! :)

Thoughts I've had tonight:
--- everyone expresses love in different ways. Going out of your comfort zone to show love a certain way for someone, not your own way, is probably the most loving thing you could do.
--- I'm not very smart and that's okay.
--- timing really is everything. And everyone has different timing. Collin wanted to date me by week two of knowing each other. It took me three months to come around to that. And now I'm moving way faster with this cute boy, haha. But it's okay. It feels right. This certainly isn't my way.. But I don't really mind at all. :)
--- I don't like wet socks at all at all at all.
--- three hours naps when you're sick kind of really rock.
--- Heavenly Father is super good to me.
--- thinking too much is obnoxious and stupid. If you think too much you're going to create a problem that wasn't there and then drama and negativity will ensue and my gosh enough is enough.
--- everyone deserves love. Especially those you think don't. Seriously. Be super nice to the people you don't like.


What a Saturday. What a Saturday indeed :)

Beyonce and I are soul sisters.

I get a new roommate in my apt today O.O

I lost seven pounds after the breakup. I don't even have that much weight to lose.

My girly man-cold

I feel so miserably sick! Oh my gosh this sucks. That's it, I'm incapacitated. I can't function. I'm done for. It's over! I can see the light. Farewell, friends

this is my life

The time it takes to heal and the time it takes to stop loving a person are different things.
I'm over Collin.
I don't feel anything for him except the bitter pangs of friendship not returned.
In fact, I'm starting to feel something for someone else.
But, my heart.. my heart still hurts. Not always. In little bits and pieces. In nows and agains. Flashes of rage and pain consume my heart and mind every once in a while. Just enough to know that it hurt worse than anything and I'm still finding my strength to trust and love again. It's scary trying to trust people again. How do you trust after your world was proven to be a lie by the person you most thought would never lie to you? It was so messy. So messy. Seeing him after it all happened was the best thing for me. It gave me that closure I was aching for. But sometimes, even after a wound has been closed, it still throbs with pain. There's just a little scar now, three weeks later. Just a little scar of what was, what might have been, and what he did. It'll fade soon.
He cut deep but it didn't last long. I'm grateful that he ended it before it went on too long. That way it didn't take too long to move on. He did a lot of cowardly, dishonorable things. But I'm grateful for his eagerness to get out. It made the road clear for me to move past him.
The time it takes to heal is not over for me. The time its taken me to stop loving him is done.

I woke up this morning feeling really lovey toward the world. I just love everyone! (5 hours of sleep..)

Especially my mommy though. I woke up loving her a lot. Probably cuz she's freaking awesome. She totally knows it too. Love ya mom! You're so pretty and smart and cool. I only hate you a little bit for it nowadays ;)

Hugs for all!!!

Whoa. Butterflies :)

Jordan, Scott and I are all sick so we're hanging out being all sick and whatnot.
Basically, I'm having an awesome time for being sick. :)
Good friends, good times.

"never touch anything with half of your heart"

...I have a cold. I didn't get sick once last semester!!! And now I get sick the first week of winter semester. Sheesh body! What is up with this timing?! Aye aye aye papi.

I've been holding all this hurt in.
All the mean words, all the tears, all the anger and sadness and frustration.
I've been holding all this hurt in because I don't want to hurt those people that hurt me.
How twisted right? I would spare their feelings still even when they torment mine.
There's no outlet. No release. I keep wondering if it'll suffocate and drown if I keep pushing it down or if it doesn't mind the break from breathing and will happily come back when I take my eye off of it.

The Jar On My Desk

"So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."
—Thomas S. Monson, "Living the Abundance Life"

OHMYGOSH I WAS SO PRODUCTIVE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME AND I SAW JULIE AND WE HAD CUPCAKES AND I DID DISHES AND I WATCHED A MOVIE AND I CLEANED MY ROOM A LITTLE BIT AND I FINISHED ALL MY HOMEWORK AND I SAID I WAS GOING TO GO TO BED AT 930 but I didn't.. AND I THINK I'M STARTING TO GET A COLD AND I'M REALLY TIRED.

I'm a very affectionate person and it gets me in trouble a lot. Whoops. :)

Today's Report of Good Things

1. I'm getting so much work done it's fantastic.
2. 2 weeks and 2 days later and I'm really starting to feel over him. Wow. :) That is quite the sensation, I assure you!
3. The weather is above 20! HOLY CRAP YESSS!
4. I feel pretty today even though I look like a hot mess, triple the mess and minus the hot.
5. My wonderful, saintly, darling parents helped me out with rent this month. I came back to provo with only $350 and was kind of freaking out about being able to pay the $275 rent. After buying $300 in books I buckled and called Stadd about borrowing some money like we'd discussed as a possibility over break. Part of me was saddened that I only made it one semester on my own before I had to ask for help but the rest of me realizes that it's still pretty darn good! If I keep up the trend of only asking for financial help like.. twice a year until I'm graduated.. I'd be very proud of myself! A million thanks to my parents though. Dad'd be angry if he knew I went to them for help instead of him.. but he just spent almost $1000 on my car without me knowing it. So I'm going to lay low on draining his bank account for a while. I have some awesome parents that are willing to help me when I need it like this.

Reasons I love this picture.

1. Kaila's face.

Need I go any further?

I saw an old friend today.
I saw an old friend that is also an ex that ripped my heart violently out of my chest two weeks ago.

I'm at peace with where we are now.
It's difficult trying to align our past with our present. It was so real. I can be okay with being friends now. But remembering what it was is painful still.

I wonder how he sleeps at night. How do you break someone like that.. after leading them on so far..

I saw an old friend today.

HOLY PRETTY

I'm totally awestruck over this picture.

Sometimes I think people should stop thinking so dang much and just chill.
Get out of your head and relax.

After attempting so sort through a multitude of emotions.
Some of which I've never felt before.
I think I've figured it out.

It's okay with me if he decided I just wasn't the right girl for him.
Kudos to Collin for following that feeling - if that was the case.
It hurts if that's what he decided, but I can't blame him and wouldn't hold it against him at all.
I'm not okay with the way he's treated me since.
He has no right to treat me like crap.
Which he has.
Repeatedly.
I'm angry that he continually acts like I'm not worth the apology he owes me.
I'm hurt that he doesn't want to be in my life.
Or me apart of his.
I'm furious that he never gave me an explanation and still refuses to.
I need to have that closure and he keeps withholding it.

Conclusion.

If Collin broke up with me because he simply stopped feeling it, alright. The way he did it and the way he's been hurting me deeper and deeper ever since, not alright.

1 month ago. Texts.

Me: saying goodbye to you is so hard.
Collin: it gets harder every time. but maybe there will come a time when we don't have to say it any more. Goodnight, sweetheart :)




Being lied to is never fair. Being lied to is always hurtful. Being lied to makes me angry.

"Geology is a synthesis of physics and chemistry."

Fantastic. :)

Provo. Work on not sucking so much.

Jordan came back!!
Today I went to church, went to a RS prez meeting, napped, made cookies with Judd, and spent alllllll night with Jordan!
8 am class tomorrow? Eh I'll hang out with Jordan until midnight anyway.
My body will regret it but I don't. I needed to have a long talk with him about everything under the sun. It was nice. More than nice, it was wonderful. He's a sweetheart. Every single time I see him one on one he says something that leaves me feeling a little bad about myself, but it's really never intentional. He's blunt and I'm easily embarrassed.
It was just good to see the dear. I'd missed him a ton.
Something we talked about: finding the right partner for life is all about right person, right time, right circumstances. They all have to line up for it to work. Sometimes it feels like one piece is missing but could still work. But... Maybe it just isn't right at all.
Mind blown.
I'd spent all this time thinking Alex was the perfect guy with bad circumstances and timing for us. I'd thought maybe that could be overcome. But maybe... It just isn't right. Period.
Whoa.
So, yeah. Good night. Confusing, fun, entertaining and slightly emotional night, but good :)

this.. this is incomprehensibly beautiful

I will love all the more with this broken heart than if it were whole.

I will give myself away and let God's love shine through me in everything I do.

I will live the life I should be living.

I dare you to try and deter me.

You can push me down and leave me scrambling to find the pieces again, but I will always rise up.

"Oh; I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It'd be a privilege to have my heart broken by you."
- John Green "The Fault in Our Stars"

Take home lesson:
If a guy says he used to be a player.. He probably still is. Regardless of how well he treats you. People like that rarely change.

epic Saturday.
Woke up around 830, rolled out of bed and straight onto my knees. It was hard waking up and I needed more strength than I have alone. I got ready {wore my fave new outfit and looked way cute} and headed to the bookstore. Much too much money down the drain later I went off to the Dreamery. Judd, Steven and I had breakfast together and then I started my shift. It was a good shift. :) I hit a wall around two thirty but finished strong! Then Steven, Micah, and I went to J-Dawgs and laughed a ton over life's little insanities. Steven took me home {so grateful I didn't have to walk in the negative degree weather today!!!} and I went over to Jenny's. I love being friends with Jenny because we don't have to talk for weeks, even months, on end and get back together and chat like it was just yesterday. It was so fantastic seeing her. We talked about everything and she was the same sweet, loving, funny Jenny I know and love. At eight a TON of people came over to her apartment and we all had a game night! Totally fun. :) I left a little later to go see another friend and had a fabulous time at his apartment. We played games with his roommates too and then just chatted and chatted and it was wonderful. I was really glad to see Blake and Scott. I got home half an hour ago and am exhausted!!!
It's been a great day.

There is something missing these days. Someone, rather. Someone who forcibly removed himself from my life. But days like this remind me, very strongly, that I don't need him. My goodness I had such a wonderful day. The Lord really looked out for me and reminded me that I don't need or want a guy like him. I did just fine with my friends today. Tomorrow's the two week anniversary of the breakup. And I'm starting to forget him like he's trying to forget me.

I read somewhere today that cuddling relieves depression, kills anxiety, and strengthens the immune system.
GET OVER HERE AND I WILL CUDDLE YOU SO HARD.

Oi. I need a hug. I'm not sad or anything.. just craving a hug as I am prone to because of my physical touch oriented personality. Everyone feels happy and fulfilled in different ways. I need my touch.
I just need a freakin hug.
Hey, you. Come to provo and hold me.

Mornings are the worst. I hate waking up.

Every once in a while I remember all of the people who read this blog that I actually know and I do a little panic dance. These posts are my deep thoughts and my stupid thoughts and my weird thoughts! It's like a slightly less personal journal! Scary.
Don't judge me too harshly friends. Haha I'm not gonna stop writing and posting what I want to though. This is my blog; if you don't like it then don't read it.

Live in sunshine

Learning.

Every day I'm learning.

Man, I'm loving this life I live. Break my heart, push me down, scare me to death and I'll still be up here  praising God for all my blessings.

Loving it

Didn't realize I signed up for the nine hour shift today. Holyyyy long day.

...........7 degrees outside.........

ohmygoshIcan'tsleep

TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG

Kacey Musgraves "Merry Go Round"

If you ain't got two kids by 21,
You're probably gonna die alone.
Least that's what tradition told you.
And it don't matter if you don't believe,
Come Sunday morning, you best be there in the front row like you're supposed to.

Same hurt in every heart.
Same trailer, different park.

Mama's hooked on Mary Kay.
Brother's hooked on Mary Jane.
Daddy's hooked on Mary two doors down.
Mary, Mary quite contrary.
We get bored, so, we get married
Just like dust, we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go
Where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down.
This merry go 'round.

We think the first time's good enough.
So, we hold on to high school love.
Sayin' we won't end up like our parents.
Tiny little boxes in a row.
Ain't what you want, it's what you know.
Just happy in the shoes you're wearin'.
Same checks we're always cashin' to buy a little more distraction.

'Cause mama's hooked on Mary Kay.
Brother's hooked on Mary Jane.
Daddy's hooked on Mary two doors down.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
We get bored, so, we get married.
Just like dust, we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go
Where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down.
This merry go 'round.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
We're so bored until we're buried.
Just like dust, we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round.
Merry go 'round.

Jack and Jill went up the hill.
Jack burned out on booze and pills.
And Mary had a little lamb.
Mary just don't give a damn no more.

to everyone in my life

Moroni 1:3
put your name in

Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world.

(2012 October General Conference, The First Great Commandment, Sun. Morning Session - By Jeffrey R. Holland)

Still one of my all-time favorite pictures!!!
What? I said I was getting over him, okay? ;)

Christmas for Collin

Collin's Christmas gift is in the corner of the room and every time I look at it I get so excited to give it to him! It's silly and inside-joke-ish but was fun for me to put together.


Yes, I'm still giving him his gift, even though I know we're over. But, I'm not one to do the usual break-up thing. You know, like when the couple breaks up and hates each other for the rest of forever? They don't talk, it's awkward when they bump into each other, they burn pictures and give things back. That kind of breakup. That's not me.
It'd be so much easier to get over the feelings I still have for him if I went on a wild hating rampage. It'd be really easy, and pleasurable in a horrible way, to name every single thing I never liked about him, tell everyone what an evil person he is, and generally foster angry feelings. I haven't said anything bad though {mm.. minimally, haha} and have made a promise that I won't ever speak an ill-word against him. When people respond to my newfound singleness they say things like, "what a jerk!", "you don't want to be with such a tool anyway!", and other really negative things. I subtly correct them. Because that's not how I view this.
I had a beautiful relationship with Collin. {At least, haha, I thought so..} I really loved every minute of it. It wouldn't make sense for me to hate him when I once loved him. When it all went down I was very upset. And my dear protective mother and sister were all over it. They took care of me and even posted all over facebook about it. It was comforting {misery loves company} to see those negative comments people said in response. But, I took them off of my page. Mostly because {honest to goodness} I didn't want to hurt his feelings should he stumble over them. But also because that's not healthy for me. I know that's how a lot of the world works and I'm sure it'd be more effective to handle breakups like that but.. that's not how I want to live. He decided I wasn't the girl for him. That doesn't make him a bad person. That doesn't give me any reason to hate him. Except maybe for how he did it.. But I won't hate him.
He still wants to be my friend. Last he talked to me that was the case at least. And even though the idea was not appealing in any form when he offered it, I want that more than anything now! I'm moving on. Honestly. But I don't want him completely gone from my life unless he does.
If I saw him right now I'd offer him an olive twig thing of peace and all the forgiveness in my heart {assuming he'd apologized in this scenario}, even a hug if he'd take it.


I can't wait to give him my gift!

I'm happy to be back in Provo. :)

I'm ready to beat winter semester into submission. Bring it.

"there's more to life than waiting for Death"

"All we have is always more than all we need and there will always be something to spare"

"I will never stop falling in love with the way you find your way through the days and the grace in which you absorb the sky at night"

"The middle of the longing and the ache of always that trails you around"

.beautiful.

My scholarship came through.

MY SCHOLARSHIP CAME THROUGH!!!

I owe nothing for tuition...!

That doesn't mean rent, books, or insurance.. but nothing for tuition!!!

This song always makes me cry. For a lot of different reasons and for a lot of different people. It finds its application in my life more often than I'd like. Right now it's especially poignant.



"You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leavin
As you look away
I know theres really nothin left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can't fix you i can't save you
Its something you have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me"

Happy New Years, darling.

Where I'm imagining I am :)