In this exciting episode Mackenzie will provide commentary on the course of today that included: going to church, conducting a visiting teaching RS meeting, taking a 3 hour nap, eating pie, going to ward prayer, eating spinach, and spending time with the sweetest boy in town!
Let us begin.
- My room-roommate was out of town for the weekend and lent me her blankets... so today's three hour nap {horrible idea - I'm wide awake now} was sooo cozy and warm. :) I'm sick of being cold.
- I know I like someone a lot when saying goodbye becomes a chore. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, saying goodbye to this darling boy is harder for me than my independent nature and I would like to admit.
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| This is the only picture of he and I. And it's not even that good, I know! Point is, he's a ridiculously silly, kind, funny, thoughtful little dear and I adore him. |
- This freaking dry-skin epidemic plaguing my face like a white, flaky goatee is driving me up a wall. The acne has died down considerably but the dry skin is intolerably obnoxious! It's like dandruff on my face or something..
- When I spend a day with people {like unto today} I look forward to my alone time and eagerly plan out how to avoid human contact. When I spend a day alone I look forward to my social time and eagerly plan out what to do with all that human contact. It's seriously kind of messed up. I epitomize the grass-is-greener syndrome in that aspect of life. Generally speaking though, I like to be alone. And am definitely craving an alone day right about now.
- I am still afraid of the dark gosh darn it.
- Relationships are a huge risk. You put yourself on the line and open up and create an intense vulnerability I have yet to find elsewhere. Collin hurt me in a way that I've never been hurt before. I'm super over him and on to better things, but the last repercussions of the break up are making their way over me. He didn't break my heart into a million little pieces, I wasn't shattered, I didn't feel destroyed. But there are pieces of me that he did break. Not all of me. Just little pieces. There are parts of my confidence that were cut deep, and still struggling to heal. He left that the most badly broken; my confidence. There are corners of my soul that don't want or know how to trust or open up any more. And because of him I feel that much more pessimistic about happy endings. Sadly, though I despise admitting it, he also managed to make me feel as though I don't deserve a lot of things. I fight it every time I feel it. But I find myself feeling like I don't deserve to be treated well, like I don't deserve love, and like I don't deserve true compassion. All wrong, I know, but the feelings remain. Part of me hopes the guy I'm seeing now will help heal me but I know I need to sort this out on my own. It was a risk dating him, an experience I'll never forget or regret, and a gamble I lost.
