It's just been a rough week.
I'm going to make this, hopefully, the last unhappy post for a couple of days. If that means I don't post because I have nothing good to say, so be it.
Here goes more unhappiness.
This may be overly dramatic and emotion-induced hatred but I want to express something I've been stifling for a while. .... I hate college. I am really hating this. To be fair, I will acknowledge that it's not college I hate, it's all of the experiences I've had so far my freshman year. It's awful. Because of the troubles I've had I fear that all four years will be like this. Though I know it has to get better, it has to.
Living in Helaman is hard on me. I'm used to having at least six other people running rampant in my house, and I used to think I didn't like that or at least would like being alone better. I am going insane. I hate having only one roommate. It's really making me lose it. I spend so much time cooped up in this little hole of a room by myself. I'd find a way to complain if I lived in Heritage or Wyview too but I really think that the rooming situation is awful here. I don't even want five other roommates because I want friends, I just want people. I need that company! Helaman has one area for socializing and that is the lobby. The lobby is one of the worst places in the world. I refuse to even explain that. I miss the company afforded by a family-like unit.
Well, some might say, I have a whole hall of girls at my disposable for my precious "family-like unit"! No. It's not like that. These girls are clique-y to the extreme. You have to get in a clique within the first three weeks or you're totally screwed and will never get in. This, of course, is coming from the girl who has always had trouble making friends. My point is valid though. Everyone on our floor is cordial to each other, oh heavens, we're Mormon, we're all cordial. But being cordial and being friends has a huge line between. With every girl in my ward I sit on the cordial, acquaintance side of the line. They have their little group of lady friends and are content to keep it just that exclusive.
My ward is horrendous. We've already established the female situation in my hall, which covers the girls in my ward, so we might as well move onto the men.. If you're an avid follower of this mildly pointless blog, as I'm sure none of you are, you will know at least one, maybe two, stories of guys in my ward and their antics. I despise these boys. Affectionately nicknamed "The Tool Shed", building nine is the newest of all Helaman Halls. Very new, very shiny, very fancy. Disregarding this building, Helaman is notorious for having a bunch of d-bag guys, generally speaking. I have a hunch of why, and that's because anyone living in Helaman has to have money..and unfortunately money often means snobs. This is oh so true of Helaman. Building nine is the epitome of this and transcends every other building in our dorms. Transcends. Somehow every tool freshman at this school got placed in this building. Every one of them. Hence, the Tool Shed. It is said Tool Shed that my fellow ward males hail from. Joyous day. Poor, li'l ole me didn't know this at first and moderately dated two different guys from my ward. The first ended up dating the ward slut and the second spread rumors about me. Nasty rumors that broke my heart. To give you an example of the disgusting level of these guys, here's a story. Story time! After darling, lovable, #$%^*@# Taylor spread rumors about me, I get a call, at one in the morning, from another guy in our ward. I had honestly been deceived into thinking he was one of the only nice guys in our ward. Don't ever fall for it. There are no nice guys in the Tool Shed. This guy called me and asked if he could take me on a date, and make-out with me, but since he heard I'd make out with anybody anyway, and he thought I was hot, why don't we just go make-out, skip the date, oh, and while we're at it, how about right now? I laughed because I thought he was joking. He wasn't. This is almost every guy in my ward. The ones that aren't jerks are the weird, nerdy, socially awkward kids. My ward is a pain.
"Do you have friends?" You might ask. This is when I break down and start bawling. Because, no, I really don't. Let's think about this. There's my roommate. Wait, no, she's just my roommate. I love her and she's awesome to live with but we are not going to be best friends forever or even after she moves out. That's about it for my hall. And my building. The next closest is Mitch. He lives on the other side of Helaman. He's a great friend. An exception to the Helaman-guys-are-idiots rule. And Tanner, also in Helaman, a good friend but distant, we don't talk outside of class or studying together. And that's it for these halls. Of all the thousands of people in these halls I have two friends and countless, countless acquaintances. Lots of people that would love to make small talk with me and nothing more. Outside of Helaman there's.. Julie. Friend by default since we grew up together, but still a great friend. And.. Alex. He's not even a friend though. He's an unofficial boyfriend. That means he's subject to breakup hatred or drifting. I have some half-way acquaintance friends, Jenny, Hannah, and Ethan. But not good friends. Do you see that? Four friends. Half leaving on missions soon. If I don't have a real family, don't have a ward family, all I'm left with is friends for support and sanity and fun. Four friends. Four. I'm a loser. On a campus of 30,000 I can't make friends or even figure out to make friends with anyone else. And the people that I would complain about this to, my friends, I can't complain to. I have a phobia that if I get depressed or complain too much than they'll leave. Who wants to be around that? So I'm left telling a computer screen my problems which only intensifies my sadness over not having friends. It's a really nasty cycle that will eventually lead to me becoming so incredibly depressed that I will go on a friend-making rampage and become little miss popularity. Might take a while to get that depressed though.
I guess that's the extent of my "awful experiences that cause me to 'hate college' ". Just that I feel so alone.
I miss being at home where I was an established person with my established friends and family and everything was easy. I have nothing here. It was a fresh start, a clean slate, but too clean and fresh for a girl that can't make friends.
I am alone. It scares me.
Please, Lord, just let this be a trial and not a permanent characteristic of my life.
