The second I walked through the door, smelled the house, saw the doors and walls and paint and furniture, I had the overwhelming sensation of stepping through time back to when I was last here. Those feelings I left were not good feelings and when I walked in, they all flooded back. I felt like it was summer again. I felt like I was still working as a nanny from 5 am to 4 pm, still missing a boy miles away, still feeling bored with life and everything about it, still anticipating college, still fighting with my family. The second I walked in those feelings hit me like a wall. I remembered exactly why I left so desperately. In that moment I wanted to turn around and run as far as I could. It really filled me with dread, despair, and a longing to get away from my past. When I talk about my past I don't just mean the mistakes I've made. I don't just mean, "darn, I'm a sinner, wish I wouldn't have done that." I also mean that I wish I could forget how things made me feel or the places I've been. This summer was a summer of self-discovery, that's for sure, but it was also extremely painful and difficult. The point being that getting home was not what I expected.
I walked in the door, became engulfed in unhappiness, closed my eyes, and pushed every one of those feelings aside. I took a moment and thought, "now is not then. This is your new life. It is just in the same place. Do not ruin an opportunity to make memories by reminiscing on memories you've already made. What's gone is gone and done is done.
Aside from having that slight panic attack and making the monumental decision to turn it around.. I actually did some fun stuff today!
I woke up at 5:30. That's two hours of sleep. I went to the airport and barely made my flight to Portland, on which I slept for ten minute increments in the most uncomfortable aisle seat. After I was re-united with the family we went to ihop for some breakfast! Delicious.
After having dinner at Grandma's for Avery's birthday with the whole family, Kaila and I left back to Hockinson {about 45 minutes to an hour away}. Once we got home we headed over to Blockbuster {got The Help because Kaila said it was sooo goooood. It was pretty good actually.}, as we were on our way back she mentions that there was a basketball game at the high school tonight. So we dropped by. Oh my holy goodness I hate that high school. Even just pulling in the parking lot pulled me back in time through a nostalgia time machine of doom. Ew ew ew. We went into the game so she could say hi to her friends and I dragged her out of there. Now that I've moved on to bigger, better things I can't even go back without being disgusted with how awful that time of life was. High school sucked. Luckily it was a quick trip. Then we got Burgerville milkshakes! Oh yeah! That is something they don't have in Utah and I've been craving.
Being home is kind of weird. I still think of this particular house as a transition since we moved into it just after I graduated and all my stuff stayed in boxes as long as I was here. That's a little strange. The important thing though is that I'm with my family. Home is where the heart is, right?
