We always treat the end of a year as such a huge deal. So huge, in fact, that we need to make impossible goals and resolutions to symbolize this new year, a new beginning of sorts. While I wholeheartedly participate in this tradition every year, fastidiously writing down new goals and ambitions, I think we should utilize the opportunity to change not just every year, but every day, every second. When there is the need for change, we need not wait for the perfect time, because the perfect time is always now.
2011
Kind of a big year for me, in a lot of ways.
Shall we list the reasons? :) Yes, we shall.
- I graduated high school. Forever I will be associated with the Class of 2011. Not only that but I started college. This was a year of endings and beginnings. I stepped out of the world of childhood, public schooling, and home life and into the adult world I now somewhat inhabit full of independence, decisions, freedoms.
- I learned so much about people and myself. I spent an entire summer becoming who I am. "Finding myself" I suppose. I began my first, real, official relationship. I tried long distance. I got hurt. I dated a bunch. I found a boy that I really like and am currently head over heels for. I learned a ton about relationships and "love", though I'm still very naive. I felt the greatest of personal accomplishments and acceptance. I found what it felt like to be an outsider, outcast. I learned how to treat people and definitely how not to.
- I suffered through what were big trials for me. I had a lot of external as well as internal pressure. My testimony was tried more than ever. I made some wrong, very wrong decisions and have had to face the consequences. I struggled a lot, though mostly due to my own mistakes and problems, and have managed to come out on top. I'm still here.
Well it's New Year's Eve, 9:00 and I can hear some fireworks going off. I'm sprawled across my couch with only the light of the Christmas tree to guide my eyes as I read my book and write this post. Occasionally I'll pause and yell upstairs at a child to get back in bed but it's mostly peaceful. Around midnight I'm going to drive up to the top of the hill, or somewhere with a good view out over Portland metro, and watch the fireworks from the warmth of my car. I almost wish that I was out at a party or with friends to celebrate a holiday I've always celebrated with my family in a secluded, claustrophobic cabin on Mt. Hood. But then again, I don't wish I was out. Sure, it'd be nice to be with Alex, cuddled up or doing something stupidly cheesy and gag-worthily romantic, and though I miss him, I'm kind of content right here. This house isn't what I call home but I'm with my family and that's where I think I'd most like to spend this "holiday" {if you can call the passing of time a holiday}. I'm something of a homebody.
2012
Ah, silly resolutions that I probably won't keep anyway:
- Take care of my body! Hahhaha, how cliche is that of, like, every single woman in the country? Yeah, yeah, I know, shut up. ;) It's not that I want to achieve a certain weight {though keeping below obesity would probably be admirable..}, or be able to win every Olympic sport, I just want to show my Heavenly Father that I appreciate this tabernacle he's given me and am going to treat it right. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without panting, have a flat enough stomach to wear tighter shirts without feeling embarrassed, and lift my backpack without feeling like my arms are going to escape their sockets. So I'm going to workout every day somehow and try try try {I have very little hope on this one} to eat right and healthy.
- Just be happy, gosh darnit. I spend far too much time wishing I were somewhere else, someone else, doing something, not doing something. I need to be happy here. With this. Right now. I'm making up my mind to be happy.
- Get some me time in. As we've already established, I'm pretty selfish and self-centered. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want, what I should do, or the opposite way, how much I hate myself, what an awful person I am. But in all of this I've lost something, a firm grasp on who I am and what I'm doing with my life. So this year I'm going to get myself back to a good, non-self-depreciating place. I'm going to try and do a lot of service {counter-intuitive, huh? Getting to yourself by giving of yourself. But it really does work. :) Try it sometime.} and really take some time away from serious relationships {you can't love someone else until you love yourself} or stressful situations.
- Stop treating time so subjectively. Stop worrying about it, Mackenzie.
- Get a job, make some money, and save like crazy! I have a couple of goals in my near future that need some money to be fulfilled! I mean goals like, complete independence {no support from my parents. housing, tuition, food, books, transportation.. all on me}, a Study Abroad program {I don't know where to or why or when but I am determined!}, and a mission {I want to serve my Savior Jesus Christ by bringing His children back to Him, it's one of my innermost passions and something I've yearned for}. These things need money people!!!
- Lastly.. just do something phenomenal. I don't know what yet. Something that will leave my world reeling.
