And that was goodbye..

Just got elbowed in the head on the bus. Um, ow. :\

Today is the day. In just three short hours I will spend the last time with him for two years. Maybe forever. I'm really scared and really sad. Waiting for him isn't an option, though hoping and praying and crossing my fingers that we end up together is. I'll write him at first. Until I can make it without him. Who knows how long that will be.

For today, I'm going to enjoy it. We're going on a walk and having a picnic. We're going to laugh and we're going to smile and love the time we have together. And then.. the band-aid effect.. he'll be gone. But he's not yet and I'm going to enjoy this. One last time.

Weather forecast in Utah verses weather forecast in Washington.
I win :)

upside to crying:

look how green my eyes are!! hahahhaha ;)

you know it's a hard time when even chocolate doesn't help

Look at my handsome missionary!!!

Seriously, I think he is oh so handsome.

He's going to make a good missionary, trust me. :)

Despite pathetic, depressing blog posts, I have kept a smile on my sad little face almost all day. :) This blog is where I'm lettin it all out. :(

He gets set apart Tuesday at 7 and goes into the mtc at 1 on wednesday. That might kill; knowing he's at home but I can't even talk to him at all.

AAAGGGHHH

Lunch with Alex that ended in hysterics. Crying, sobbing, and gasping for breath all at the same time. I've definitely lost it.

Utah rain.. Doesn't smell like Washington rain. This is too plastic-y, it's almost like a pavement smell. Weird. Washington rain smells clean and woody.

Welcome to the last two days of life as you know it! This will be quite the ride so please try and endure your stay, thank you.

I spend a strange amount of time aside from my scheduled personal scripture time studying Ephesians and Philippians. I really like those books.

I got my phone back!

and have a huge crush on Gideon from the books of Mosiah and Alma.

My roommate Kenzi cracks me up.
She is so edgy and tom-boy-ish and talkative and negative and judgmental and funny and entertaining. I like her a lot.

HAHA :)

Left my phone at Alex's and won't get it back until tonight or tomorrow, crap. Hahha, smooth Mackenzie.


Got a sweet, sweet email from my favorite cousin. It is so nice to know that people care and I'm not alone.

IT HURTS. 

So much. 

I don't want to be obnoxiously dramatic but seriously, don't let me put myself through something this freaking heartbreaking again.

Love sucks, don't do it. 

I was there. This is true.

When you hear someone saying something COMPLETELY INCORRECT but it is also completely not worth correcting them.

I don't see Alex again until Tuesday. And that's goodbye. My heart hurts so bad.

I've been awake for almost four hours and it's already been a hard day. So much sadness :(

crazy days

It has been a whirlwind week.

Wednesday I took a calc test that beat the crap out of me {80% on the multiple choice of TEN QUESTIONS but the seven or eight pages of written just ate me alive} and then immediately afterward went to a concert downtown with Julie. The doors said they'd open at 730 so we were there at 7 and didn't get in until almost 9. We also went to this club and got virgin martinis, haha. There's no alcohol there at all.. Mormons. The concert was fabulous. I didn't really like the opener, Chasing Kings, but they were still pretty good. The main band, Imagine Dragons, was so good. I had only heard three of their songs before going and I am in love now. The energy was great, the lead singer was really good, and the music was just awesome! Julie and I did get hit on by two high schoolers the entire time though. That was uncomfortable. I tried to get rid of them but miss Julie kept flirting back! Geez, the little turd. The concert went until 11 at which point we had to walk home. All two miles from downtown Provo. Alex and I were texting and he kept asking where I was. That was a little fishy and then all of the sudden I saw him and his buddies across the street from us on University. Hahha, turns out they were running around Provo and he tracked us down. So we hung out with them for a little while and I finally got home at midnight or one.

Yesterday was also a crazy day. All I remember from that morning is being really tired and taking a lot of notes in class. I skipped calculus since it was just a post-exam review session and went home and slept. I crashed on my couch, woke up two hours later completely disoriented, freaked my roommates out with how delirious it was, kept checking the date because I didn't know what day it was, and went to the Creamery only to walk back empty-handed, unsure of why I'd gone. It was kind of weird. I finally pulled myself together and got ready to go to the temple. Alex picked me up at 7 and we went to get some old friends in Heritage. Eight girls, one guy, and one car later we all did baptisms together, hahhaha. It was nice. I love the temple, those girls, and that guy, so I rather enjoyed myself. We got out around 10 {freaking Provo temple! It's always so crazy in there!!!} and Alex and I sped down to Spanish Fork. After grabbing some pizza and chatting with his folks we headed out to Payson for the midnight premiere of The Hunger Games! 

I loved these books. I squealed with delight every day when the countdown was going to the movie coming out. I cannot tell you how excited I was! :D AHHH! The theater was pretty full and we ended up getting... 3rd row from the front seats. Which was fine, I could deal with that until... the movie started. Remember.. Battle LA? The cinematography for it? How the cameraman seemed like he was on crack and had really weak arms the camera was shaking so bad?  That's exactly how they began The Hunger Games! Just like that! Ten minutes in and the close-up, sitting-close, shaking mess had given me complete motion sickness and a headache. I wanted to cry I was so disappointed. I couldn't even watch the movie I had BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO FOR FOREVER. It was fairly heartbreaking. 

When this happened at Avatar I left the theater and sat in the lobby for an hour and a half. When it happened at Battle LA I closed my eyes, curled up in my seat and listened to the whole thing. At Hunger Games I could have left but would have been bored, and besides, listening is better than nothing! As long as I kept my eyes closed I was okay. I could see the flashes of light through my eyelids and when they slowed down, indicating a steady camera shot hopefully, I would glance up and watch, peeking back into my arms the second the shakiness began again. That way I was able to watch... maybe five scenes. It really wasn't a terrible method, and since I read the books I could imagine what was going on anyway. Alex got all flustered and was like, "if you're not feeling well then just leave!" Dude, I got this. Just let me listen to my movie in peace. And it sounded really good. Pretty spot-on to the books. I wasn't a fan of the music... or lack thereof.. in the beginning, especially at the Reaping, but it got better. It was a good movie {I think}. 

We got home around three and I crashed. I set my alarm for seven thinking maybe I'd make it to classes but then I just went back to sleep. M, W, F I only have bio and calc, back-to-back, and I've never skipped. Since biology is a joke of a class anyway and I can study the textbook for today's calculus materials, I didn't feel too bad about missing. Besides, that just gives me a second Saturday today! I'll probably do calculus homework and start on my history essay but aside from that I will be chilling. I won't get to see Alex and I don't have any other plans so.. yeah.. relaxation it is I guess. Tomorrow will be a party, but we shall see. :)

And that puts the count up to at least 6 young men I know going on their missions to Texas.

Weird.

Just figured that my favorite style of photography is called "bokeh". Look it up! Ees my fave. :)

The daffodils are blooming! And the tulips aren't far behind! I am so so so happy! The second I get my own house I am painting the walls and planting a garden.

*heheheehee*

That awkward moment when...

high schooler's hit on you and your best friend at a concert.

I'm in college, kid. nice try.

I've put myself in intense denial and am able to partially believe that Alex is NOT leaving in just a week. Nah, that's totally not true at all! :)

Most of the time people don't laugh because I'm funny, it's because I'm really stupid in a funny way.

No with me, at me.

Watching a guy unicycle around campus.

...yep. BYU.

AHHHHH I'M GOING TO THE MIDNIGHT PREMIERE OF THE HUNGER GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm. So. Excited.

best boyfriend ever.

I feel like this is all I do any more..

.. study and die. A lot.
But that's also why I have such great grades thus far. :)

When I first saw this I was like, "ew."

But then I was all, "yeah I guess that'd be true."

And then I was like, "I'm a never nude so it doesn't matter if I'm ever fit or not. HA."

But.. guess what..

I am fit. So there.

*Deep breath*

day at a time. day at a time.

In my history class everyone is complaining about how poorly they did on the exam that I got a 93 on..

Either I'm way lucky or really brilliant..

I miss my crocuses!!!

Full eight hours of sleep. Whoot whoot! I don't really want to go to my classes today but, I shall endure the Tuesday slump!

After five hours of calculus with nausea and a sore body, I think I deserve to go to bed early.
Goodnight world and all who inhabit it. Remember to smile, even through the pain. Look for ways to help. Appreciate what you have. Find something beautiful and admire it; there's beauty in this dreary world if we just open our eyes. Be happy k? Sleep well. :)

Apartment prayer with my roommates overwhelms me with love and the spirit.
Love this life.

"Hear the sound of opportunity in the music of potential."

Good day :)
I'm maturing and growing up and I can see it.
I'm getting stronger, guys. Life is good. :)

9 days.

In other news, my abs STILL hurt and I feel nauseated!

It truly is a Monday. -_-

falling apart

Well, it's the ten day countdown. Are you ready? I'm not.


This is the end of the most important relationship I've had for the past five or so months. It's kind of a big deal. Yes, it feels like my world is ending, though I know full well that it's not. Yes, it feels like a part of my heart is leaving with him, and it probably is, though I know I'll be okay.


We had a great relationship, it's true. But lately things have fallen apart. We have completely crumbled. It's heartbreaking. We are too immature and the circumstances not good. Neither of us can handle this or give each other what we want and need right now. It's hard to be really honest and say that we have been struggling that badly recently. No one wants to say, "yeah, I'm totally in love with him, but it is completely imploding on itself." No one wants to be in the situation where you can't step away because you're so crazy about them but it hurts so much to hold on. I feel awful everyday about how things are.


Since he's leaving we're going to make it a happy ending. The next ten days are going to be blissfully happy but also a little sad. That way we avoid the natural disastrous breakup we would have had without the mission and still leave doors open for two years from now when we are mature and ready for something like this. Maybe things are never meant to work out for us, who knows. Either way the next ten days will be an emotional experience.


Alli, who recently went through the same situation, said to me that this week is the hardest. She knows exactly what I'm going through. It is hard. I can make it though. I'll be alright. I always am.

I did 100 situps yesterday and I am really paying for it today.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Funnest night with Mitch ever? Quite possibly. I think that was the most fun I've had all week. WOO! :D

Mitch is taking me swing dancing!
I'll let you know how it goes :)

Why is everything marriage so freaking beautiful lately?!?!

I hate this school and what it has done to my mind.





But this picture is just so pretty.. it's so nice..

GASP!

I WANT.

On this fine Saturday I will reward my lovely test score with working out and watching a movie. I rock and I deserve to relax. :)

93%

FRICK
YES
I
AM
A
BOSS

Dear history test.
I'm about to pull an Alexander the Great and conquer the crap out of you.

Prepare yourself.

"You're always so smile-y, I love it!"
hahaha thank you! This smile is worth thousands and thousands {braces, surgery, etc}, I have to smile a lot!!!

This applied to me in high school 100%. People were well aware of my standards and who I was. The worst they could ever, ever say of me was that I could get mad at people swearing or being inappropriate or sad sometimes when having a bad day. But they could never say that I was a slut, swore a lot, partied, was drunk all the time, did drugs. Honestly, those rumors never went and even if they did get started, no one would believe them. I was friends with some of the bad kids, some of the good kids, the nerds, the thespians, the hipsters, the Mormons, the underclassmen, the teachers. I spread myself out and no one could speak terribly of me. There were definitely people that didn't like me, and heck, I didn't like a lot of people too. I was just a good girl. Integrity was my favorite word and way to live.


Things have changed so much. I've made mistakes. In a school where everyone is supposed to be just as good as you've always been, you don't look good any more. You look average. Your tiny little flaws are put on display. Everyone judges you. Everyone looks at your mistakes and thinks the worst of you. If someone were to speak badly of me.. it might be believed. It was believed last semester. It's hard to be so good in an environment like this. When everyone is good, no one is. Everyone started backsliding and plateauing. It's hard not to get dragged down too. I actually loved growing up in a school where I was unusual, truly peculiar. It forced me to be good, be better. Here, I have no motivation to be good. I have very high standards and already I've slipped on so many of them. I have done bad things. I'm definitely still a good little girl, and I don't need to do some serious repentance, but I'm not as good as I once was, there probably are things to speak badly of me about, and I don't like it. I love BYU very much. Academically, it is a fabulous school. I mean, incredible. There are some things though.. some things are hard for me to handle.

This is what upsets me about being "politically correct".

This is one of my biggest annoyances.

Hey.. I'm a little Irish. :) That counts for kisses right?

The sound the tongue makes! It's so funny!

WHY do I not have a Hunger Games tshirt..???!

"Trust"

that is a funny word with an even funnier meaning.

Sometimes I wonder what people accomplish when they say stupid things.
Just keep your mouths shut, folks.

I'd been so focused on the date March 28th that I hadn't realized that finals are over on the 20th of April. That means I have about a month of school left before I finish my first year of college. Whoa.

Oh my gosh I need caffeine so bad right now.
I do NOT have the energy to make it to 930 when I'm done on campus.

hurrrr

Today is a bun day.

I have a nice head of hair, if I do say so myself. Actually, you know what? I'm feeling bold and confident today so let's be honest. I have great hair. It's a gorgeous color and a great length. It's not too thick or thin but can have great volume sometimes. It's naturally a weird wave but if I blow-dry it right it's tons of voluminous curls. And it can be perfectly straight if I just run a flat iron through it. It's versatile and beautiful. I love my hair.

I always do something with it. I am not known to just leave it natural without doing something to it. Even ponytails, the seemingly easiest of hair-do's, are meticulously done. So when I don't do something, or put it in a .... bun... then something is up. I can guarantee that if my hair looks like absolute crap and you ask me what's up, something will be wrong. Either I'm tired, was rushed getting ready, or in a terrible mood, something will explain the bad hair day.

Today is a bun day. Today I got out of the shower, looked outside, thought about the day ahead of me and smiled. I simply do not care. So I threw this massive pile of hair on top of my head and walked out the door. It's not a bad day though. I'm not tired. I wasn't too rushed. And I'm not in a bad mood {a little busy and a tad stressed, sure, but not bad}. So what could be the explanation for this bun then? I feel pretty without my hair looking great. :) Today, at least right now, I'm feeling very, very confident. So, take that bun, I can even make you look good.

There are people my age.. that I went to high school with.. that are mothers. Married mothers.

Am I really that old or are they just young mothers?!?

I'M STILL A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When did three months turn into two weeks?!

let's talk.. calculus

I like math. I really do. It has rules and is either right or wrong. It's black and white but can be applied to abstract situations. It doesn't change based on who's grading it, the opinions don't sway the definition of the different formulas. They're just that, formulas and thereoms, that don't change. Math is a universal language and it does not change. 2+2 will always equal four, I can promise you that.

I like math. I really do. But I am absolutely no good at it. No, scratch that, once I get a concept down I am great at it. It just takes me a long while to master it. As a kid I struggled for months and months to understand long division. Guess who's still a pro to this day? Derivatives were so confusing the first couple of weeks we started them and now I am a derivative master. Unfortunately, the curriculum does not go as slowly as people like me and I end up mastering a concept about two weeks after we've already moved on.

Right now we're talking about the application of the derivative and maximums and minimums as they relate to optimization. I'm sure in a matter of weeks I'll understand this, but for now.. I'm lost and horribly frustrated. The question on my online homework that I'm working at right now is kicking my rear. I understand the concept and can do it in class or with someone else loosely guiding me but application on my own is awful. This specific assignment has six questions. I completed the first two, kept getting the second two completely wrong, and got parts of the last two right. Each question has one to four parts and can be tried as many times as necessary. Right now, I have a 39% for this assignment.

I don't take well to failure. I prepared myself, and have handled well, the intellectual level at BYU. It is far higher than high school. I'm no longer the smartest fish in the little pond. I'm a very, very average fish in the freaking ocean. During high school, that would not have flown. I was completely success-oriented. Now-a-days I'm definitely more chill and realize that I can't always be top of the ladder of success, I find happiness from different things now. I'm a great person regardless of whether or not I'm the best at some things, or if at anything at all. BUT the deep, underlying fear of failure in my nature will most likely never dissipate. Seeing that score of 39% on this assignment was driving me into a tizzy. I seriously was pacing my living room, yelling at my computer, and giving myself an even worse headache than I had already had. I can't let that slide! But nothing I did was changing the grade, all the answers that I was so positive were correct, just weren't. I couldn't think of anything at all except this one assignment and that it was due at midnight. I was panicking. I was on the verge of angry, tired tears.

There are three different factors that go into our grade for this calculus 112 class, written homework, online homework, and the exams. So far, the two exam scores I've gotten have been a 70 and a 65. But coupled with my 100's on almost all of my written and online homework assignments, I have an 82 in the class. 

I took a step back just now and looked at that information. I calculated that with my 39% on this latest homework assignment my overall class grade will then be a 82.72%. I took a step back, gained a crap-load of perspective, and chilled. You know what? Failing that one assignment will do almost nothing to hurt my already really good grade. 

So, I'm going to go to bed, let it the frick go, and sleep peacefully not caring about one stupid calculus assignment.

I have far better things to do with my life and my time than worry about the minuscule little details like that. I'll understand the material soon enough and this will not matter. This is nothing. I'm done with calculus for tonight.

little snippets

Yesterday!

I had class until eleven {history can be such a drag} and then Alex and I went to lunch since he was just coming from the temple. We ended up going to the DMV and some emergency preparedness place for a 72 hour kit. We had so much fun. Then I went to my other class and back home. I watched True Grit {was it supposed to be funny? I laughed through the entire thing..} and made myself a gourmet dinner of potato soup and tortellinis! Around seven thirty or so Alex texts, "wanna go to PPT with me and Jake?"

Homework..?

Nah, let's go! With only two weeks left with this kid I'm taking advantage of every opportunity I have! It was way fun, haha. It's basically a huge trampoline, foam pit, rock wall, play place. I'd compare it to Naydenov without the beams and actual gymnasts. It's for funsies :) I did back flips and front flips and jumped around a lot! I enjoyed it. I imagine Kaila and I in a place like that would go.. nuts. It'd be cra-cra. Unfortunately, I got home late and have had a miserable headache all day.

Oh, today!

We just had our first apartment prayer! As an apartment! The other week in Sunday School Bishop talked about having prayer as an apartment and I felt prompted to do so. After talking with Kenzi and Kyla we finally initiated it tonight. I loved it. :) I hope it gets us to grow closer and gets Kenzi back active again. Sure, we've only got a couple weeks left of school but I can go ahead and try!

'love gives me wings and I must fly..'
'well, you may feel like a poet but you sound like an idiot.'

I've gone to the temple once a week for the last three weeks. Let's keep this up! :)

Playing the piano is like...
*insert some cheesy analogy about escaping the cares of the world on a winged unicorn through a land of happiness and butterflies*

I say this with all of the truthfulness inside of my little, 5'2" frame... 

I miss my german shepherd, Max.

Talked to people today! :D

Shaving legs is a PAIN, but it does feel nice for a short little while.

Just saw Spencer after him being gone for a week! Missed him :)

I'm trying to be more mature. :) That does not mean sacrificing my inner child and love of silly fun, just getting rid of unfavorable childish qualities.

I hope I was an athlete in another life because I am the least athletic person alive in this one. Stairs 1, Mackenzie 0.

try me

When I was twelve years old I heard and saw people talking about prayer and scripture study and how it had changed their lives when applied on a daily basis. I didn't read of pray pretty much at all, but I wanted what they talked about having. So I sat down and worked at it. And I can now say that for six years I have read my scriptures and prayed every single day. When I was fifteen I got sick of being a critical, intolerant person. I began to work at it and am more tolerant and open then ever. When I was in high school I hated my body and wanted to be in shape, to not be ashamed when looking at pictures of models or pretty people. I started working out. I'm now in the best shape I have ever been in and don't feel ashamed of the way I look. I'm constantly working and improving on these things.

           That's the kind of person I am.

If there is something I am ashamed of or want, I will work until I get it or am proud of it. I can go look at a picture of a thin, toned woman and say, "yeah, I've got that, and even if I don't, I will soon." I can look back at the person I used to be and feel proud that I am not the same little demon. There are plenty, oh plenty, more things on my list of imperfections and flaws. They constantly haunt and torment me. But look at the level of determination and willpower I possess. Is there anything I cannot do if I put my whole heart into it? Is there anything outside of my reach?

Nice email to get last week

The girls sitting across from me are talking about their art history major classes.

So..You're majoring in art history. how's that gonna work out for you??

Those jerks that sit on the edge of an empty row and act put out when you have to squeeze past them. Really..?? Just really?!

one of those headaches where the light burns my eyes and I feel like a vampire,

cowering in a corner, hissing at the bright lights

"Don't choose the better man, choose the man who makes you a better woman."


-This Means War


not the most recommended movie but had a few great quotes.

Wretched freaking headache. I didn't sleep much at all last night, less than six hours {and I don't function on less than seven}, so I am bloody tired. This headache won't go away until I go to sleep but I can't go to sleep yet because I won't wake up! Seriously, if I took a "nap" now it would turn into a full ten hours of sleep. And waking up at 4 am does not sound particularly pleasing. SOOO I just have to endure this pounding in my brain until at least eight. Unfortunately I won't be able to get any homework done in this state. It's really quite cruel. I feel incapacitated with nothing to do but sleep but I can't sleep. This is horribly unfair! Agh!

Remember that bio exam I got a 90 on? Yeah, scratch that, a 93% :) :) frick yes.

I have three favorite musicals. Maybe four, actually. Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, and Hello Dolly.
I pretty much grew up on Les Mis since my Dad would put the soundtrack {all seventeen million hours of it} on his speakers as loud as it would go while we got ready for church or hung out around the house weekends. He had me watch the video of the 20th anniversary or something every once in a while. I really grew to love the show and the music. I've seen it on video, at a community theater, and on a Broadway tour. Always fantastic. Although I loved all the music, there was a couple that weren't my favorites, and this one, Bring Him One, certainly wasn't my favorite. But this cover is beautiful. Absolutely splendid, darling.

Today feels like a waste of makeup. That's not to say it's a bad day, just do not really care about my appearance. Like at all.

Yesterday my mommy told me I work really hard.
Just that one thing made me feel so so good. It is so nice when my efforts are appreciated!

Fresh bark dust under the trees! Even though bark dust makes me angry, it sure looks good. :)

increase

"Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."
Doctrine and Covenants 121:43


There is no way that this is not inspired text. This verse speaks directly to me. Doesn't it just make sense though?? If you're a parent scolding a child, as is your place and responsibility to do, you have to show afterward that you still love them! I remember little miss Morgan would get so scared and sad after getting in trouble because she thought that Mom or Stadd hated her or was angry with her. I remember feeling that way myself as a child. And the same goes for any situation in which you're correcting someone in a way which may offend them. Maybe it's because I'm a pathetic, sensitive pansy of a human being {today's going to be a self-critical day, can you tell?} but this definitely applies to me. When I'm being scolded or getting criticism, I need that compliment or gentle affirmation of love afterward to remind me that while I may have that fault I need to work on, I'm still very good and loved. I tend to dwell on my faults. Show me an increase of love.

That little turd.. ;)

For your information:
Alex and I are great.
I feel bad because every time we have a fight or something just a little bad happens I blog about it but then I never blog again explaining if it's alright. 
Yep, it's alright. :)

I'm a cheesy, romantic little thing. Not all the time, mind you. I can go on a date with him and not be emotional or sensitive or corny-romantic at all. But it's definitely in me to be that way. I'm a daydreamer, a love-loving person. Alex.. is not. Alex and I have most everything in common by way of opinions and beliefs and likes and dislikes and everything. But there are some things in our personalities that are completely and totally polar opposite. Alex is not sensitive. He is a man that hates crying, calls things "ultra gayyyy" that I think are cute, and hates being cheesy. He's basically a mood-killer. Things might start getting a little romantic and he'll say something so totally off-topic and jaw-droppingly absurd that everything is ruined. It's like leaning in for the perfect kiss after a moonlit dance on the balcony of a five-star restaurant in a gorgeous dress with candles and saying, "I have to fart." He. So. Would. I think something like this has actually happened. I would not put it past this one! It reminds me of Stadd, gosh. It's ridiculous. 


But that's the thing, since we're so opposite, we're so compatible. I bring out the soft, sweet, sensitive side in him and he tones down my romantic, cheesy tendencies a lot. It's that perfect opposites attract thing. Even though sometimes it frustrates me, like let me have my moment okay??! Most of the time it just makes me laugh. That's his thing, he makes me laugh. I need someone like that. Someone that can take how serious and heavy I can make things and make them light-hearted. I can be very, very light-hearted, I have a pent-up inner child that begs to come out but sometimes I need help. Alex facilitates that in many ways. And I help him to be nicer and more sensitive and caring. He stabilizes me and I ... haha I don't actually really know what I do for him. 

But we bring out the best in each other. Isn't that what this is supposed to be about anyway? Finding someone that makes you a better.. you? That's what I want, at least. Someone that thinks I'm the best thing ever and helps me improve. He thinks I'm nice, kind, and sweet and that I have a good heart, something I've never thought of myself. But since he thinks that of me I've begun cultivating those attributes. And I see things in him that he never recognized and now that he's noticing he's improving on. Sure, you can say I'm too young to love or too young to know what I really want {that's certainly something my dad would say}, but I feel like I am and I do. We could never make anything long-term work right now, we're both too immature, but given a shot at a future together? Well, that's something very plausible. Something I wouldn't mind at all.

most definitely for sure yes

who are you to say..?

Biggest lesson I've learned from school?


Stop fricking judging other people. They can live their lives! Who gives a crap! It is not your place so shut up! There is so much judgment that goes on here. So much. It is awful and frustrating and hurtful. I've gotten to a point that I just don't care what other people do because there were too many people caring what I did. Am I a bad person? NO. Am I any of the names you called me? No. Am I going to explain every single one of my decisions to you so that you stop judging my choices? No! Let me live my life. I have a good friend that didn't go on a mission. There are people that look at him like he's a sinner, like he's trash. There are girls that won't go on dates with him because they think he's unworthy or something. And he is a darn good person! He is no less than anyone else! You know why didn't go? He has a medical condition that prohibited him from doing so!!!! All those snap judgments people made were wrong. 


I've found that everyone is fighting something. Everyone has their secrets. Everyone has their pasts and their sins and their problems. We simply cannot know by looking at them. I don't care if they didn't go to church on Sunday, it is not your place to decide that they are suddenly un-holy people! Frick, everyone acts like they can make these judgments but they can't! "You think you can do these things but you just can't, Nemo!"


Let it go. Let people do their thing. Yes, if it is in your power you should try to influence them towards the best. Of course we should look out for our friends and be concerned if they do something that is exactly good. We should probably avoid people that are just going to bring us down or cause us to err. You can go ahead and look at someone and say, "I would not have made that choice." But you cannot say, "because they made that choice they are a bad person." Just chill. Love people k? Everyone is fighting their own demons that you cannot see. But they are still children of our Father in Heaven and if he loves them just as much as your pathetic judgmental butt then you had better recognize that you are on equal ground with no room to judge. Stop thinking you have any place to tell someone what they should have done or why they were wrong or what kind of life they live. Unless you have something nice to say, shut your freakin mouth and don't say it at all, jackhole.


So, that guy's got a mote in his eye, huh? Did you ever stop to consider the beam in your own eye?? Until you are perfect and have walked a mile in his shoes you have no room to judge. In fact, you should be too busy working on your imperfections to stop and criticize any one else's.


While you're busy judging the other person and defining what you think they are.. the fact that you're judging defines who you really are.

Daydreaming about the future. :) I'm excited for where my life is heading!

Tomorrow never comes.

Sign for my door.

times they are a'changin

It is never too late or too early.
I often have big dreams or large goals that engulf my thoughts. I get in a mindset of change. Desiring to grow closer to the Lord, improve my study habits, devote more to service and helping those around me, etc. Sometimes it's even something small like going to the gym every day or going to bed at a certain time. My mind wraps around it and starts planning {I'm a planner, you see} about what I'll do to accomplish it, how I'll stay on track, how it will make me a better person. My determination builds up and my enthusiasm soars. I think to myself, "alright! tomorrow, tomorrow I will put my plan into action and it will be great!" I put it off. It'll be better if I start it after finals, so I'm not so distracted. Maybe this summer, when I'm not in school. Next year will be perfect because I'll have money. This weekend is ideal for my plan because I'll have adequate time to devote to it. I think the time or circumstances will be better fit in the future. But the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side.

In retrospect, life doesn't ever slow down enough to what I desire for this change. Life is always crazy. You can't say, "oh once I retire I'll take up knitting", or whatever, because, chances are, once you retire you'll be busy with something else. My sister told me at the age of eight that she didn't read her scriptures because once she was twelve she would better understand them. And once she was twelve she said she would read them once she got in high school because she'd have more time. She's in high school now and I would be willing to place a large sum of money on her not reading her scriptures, looking to the future to provide better circumstances for the reading. There is no time like the present. The time for change is right now. Devote yourself to that change and make it happen! Your life is such a short period of time, you must utilize every second of it, not waiting for the elusive "perfect time".

You are alive now.

Grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life

He deserves an award.

dollarshaveclub.com

1. watch the video
2. laugh along with me
3. appreciate good-looking funny people

Best love story ever.

These, like, four minutes made me cry like it was my spouse of several decades that had passed away.

Disney, you sly dog.

Most. Suspenseful. Movie. Ever.

BUT SO GOOD!

Watched Cinderella Man last night and now watching The Next Three Days. Both with Russell Crowe, really good.

Oh my gosh.

I have never been hurt like this before.

I don't even know what I mean to him any more.

I'm in shock.

Best friend Julie Anne fell asleep on my couch. :) So cute.

Skyping with mom and Avery. :)

I hate when I'm having a good hair day AAAAND:
1) no one is around to see it and appreciate how GOOD it looks,
2) I go to the gym at noon and it's ruined.

sigh

It is JUST like a Washington summer morning today. Sunny, cold, beautiful, and smells like trees. :) I love the pacific northwest!

Whoa. It does not feel like a Friday.

Laughing like a friggin idiot on crack.

Life Explained

EVERYONE NEEDS THEM!!!

EVEN THE DARK LORD!!!

I'm such a toucher, it's weird. Given the choice between money and a day full of hugs I would choose the hugs. Unless it was like ten bazillion dollars. Because you really can't beat ten bazillion dollars.. and if I had ten bazillion dollars I could pay people to give me hugs every day for the rest of my life! It's not just hugs though, I love holding hands, cuddling {such an icky word}, having a hand on my back or my shoulder, sideways hugs, hugs from behind, kisses, linking arms... it makes me feel so safe and loved. If someone wants to touch me {gosh, that phrase sounds awful! haha, I don't know how else to say it though. I do not mean in a creepy molester way for clarification} it means they really love me! They care about me and want me in their life! I'm definitely more about words, they top physicality just barely, but touch is so so important to me. And right now, right now, I am dying, absolutely dying for a hug. Since I'm almost done with classes the only people I'll see for the rest of my day are Kenzi and Kyla. Neither of which are touchy people in any way. I've actually heard Kenzi tell people, "don't touch me," and Kyla is just the most awkward person alive. That's not to say I don't LOVE MY ROOMMATES. I do, so very much. Last night we all sat in the living room for a couple hours talking and eating and laughing. I took a little mental picture because I loved it so much. They're great girls and we all get along so well. I feel very comfortable with them. Not comfortable enough for a hug though! Ideally I'd like to hug/snuggle with Alex, Mom, or Stadd. They're all far away though. Next on the list would be Mitch or Tanner. And after that Julie. Someone like me, a crazy toucher, can't go too long without it or I feel deprived and start freaking out! I'm freaking out! This is me freaking out! I need a hug! I need to wrap my arms around someone and put my head on their shoulder. Doesn't that sound nice? Don't you want a hug now too?? :) Come here, I'll hug you. :)

Crap. I'm screwed.

I'm trying..

"Time is a thief I would rob."

I forgot that my sister is mean. :(

Ohhh.. He just wanted to ask me on a date. Shoulda known.

Trey called me. 1130 at night and he calls me.

Like I'm gonna answer that, dude I'm asleep!! Kinda! Tryin.. :\

I have been sleeping rather uncomfortably lately. It makes me feel tired all the time. All I want is sleep, man!!!

I am an amazing person that can do amazing things.

Help me remember k? :)

Deacon died. :(

war is so sad and this is the saddest war movie of them all. Pearl Harbor is actually pretty awful though.. :( ugh.

Watching Saints and Soldiers.

Oh boy..

I saw this picture when I was happy so I made myself sad, came back and then it made me happy again.

Thank you otter and baby otter.

Possibly my biggest pet peeve:

being late.

It will anger me to no end without fail. Even just ten minutes late and I'm angry as heck.

I love my mommy, I really really do. But we're so different and it's hard for us to understand each other.

21 days.

Right now, I'm not afraid.

Sad, yes. Always.

But, in this moment, I'm not scared.

Come what may.

Alright, no, no, no. This will not do.

There's this girl. I hate her. Okay, no, I don't hate her. I mean, truth be told... I don't even know her. We have never met. But that doesn't matter. Sometimes all it takes to fuel this raging jealousy is pictures, stories, and a past. Especially for someone like me who has little self confidence and succumbs to jealousy  easily.


She's pretty. More than pretty, she's popular. Talented to a sickening degree. Someone I'd like after getting to know but would hate prior because I envy her so much. That might seem a little messed up but I've always been that way about people.


I Facebook stalked her tonight. The first time. I've casually seen pictures before but this was me actually going through her page and looking at her in depth. At first the jealousy bit at me and I clenched my fists. My head swum with comparisons, alternating between degrading myself and attempting to degrade her. Pictures can't fight back though and I just made myself feel like crap.


Then that little voice at the back of my head, like Marlin in Finding Nemo during the Angler Fish scene, nonchalantly said, "well, sure, she's got her talents, but does she have yours?" And everything hit me super fast. She's not me. I'm not her. I can't compare us like we're on the same playing field, no one is! We all lead such different lives and were born with such different circumstances and abilities that we don't even have the means to compare fairly! She might be talented at photography, and have lots of friends, and be pretty, and have a past that makes me green with envy.. but given the way I "know" her, I'm privileged to know the not so pretty things about her. And she's not as picture perfect as it seems. Not. At. All. We all hide our secrets so well, putting on that good mask for the Facebook facade we put up. I was just looking at the outer cover. I can only see her very best and compare it to all of me, best and worst. And then, wait a second, I'm awesome!!!! I always focus on the bad things about me in my desperate attempt to improve them but.. I have a lot of good in me. In fact, so many good qualities that I would dare to say that she would be jealous should she Facebook stalk me. Or even meet me. I am talented, very talented. I am beautiful, something I rarely see and even more rarely admit. I am intelligent, it's not your everyday intelligence but it's there! And I am a good person! That is something I struggle with everyday, but I am good. I love to, need to, in fact, help people. I look out for the struggling and lonely people. I do everything in my power to make people feel loved and important. I give service all the time! I am a good person! I have a strong, resilient testimony that has been tried over and over again but always comes out on top. I have an unfailing imagination and a crazy determination. There is so much me wrapped in this little body. So much unique, amazing me. I have no reason to envy her. Yeah, she looks good on the internet. But, when you look into her soul, she won't have what I possess. 


This is not to say that she isn't a wonderful girl. I'm sure she is. I'm sure she's plenty nice and funny and whatever. My point is not to drag her down. It's that too often I look at my ugly, messy behind the scenes and compare it to other peoples pretty, polished, edited final edition. I shouldn't do that. And right now,


I am amazing.

Oh wait, I forgot that I hate you, little B.

There are some people I will never tolerate or like. There are some people I dislike simply out of jealousy.

May have just found a place to live next year! I think.
If I'm lucky this will work out.


I called my mommy just before I sent in the application because I was freaking out. It just didn't feel right! Isn't she supposed to tell me what to do or approve my choices or something?! I mean, my whole life I have been waiting to be an adult so she can stop controlling my decisions you know? But... this time I was scared and really wanted her to. I wanted her to tell me what I was supposed to do. On the phone I told her I didn't like this part of being an adult. She said, "yeah, that never goes away. you will always feel that way." That made me feel better.


I'm too young to be pretending to be old. This is tough stuff, man.


Speaking of living next year, I was talking to my Daddy about money. He had made the offer several times over the last few months that he would pay my security deposit and first/last months rent or whatever they wanted when I signed my contract. I think it's like $200. I called him tonight to gauge how serious he was and if I should actually rely on him or not {it's tricky business}. He said something that kind of made me take a step back. I mentioned that payment and said that Mom had said she'd take care of it but I was wondering if he would. Then he said, "your Mom has done so much. Let me handle this." Uh, wait. Did you just admit that she's done more than you?? Then he said, "I finally have money now. I have a job that earns this-and-this much a month. I can finally start helping you out Mackenzie."

.....

After years and years and years of not helping whatsoever and vehemently denying it... he just did. Then of course he qualified that jaw-dropping statement with something along the lines of all your Mom did was pay for freshman semester, I'll take care of the rest. Okayyy, nooo, she paid for.. um.. my life. My life and my freshman semester. But, hey, I'm still astounded that he would not only admit to not helping before but actually putting forth the effort to help! No, he's not turning a new leaf or anything. He's still a jack-hole and I still love his stupid guts, but he did the unthinkable and I am very amazed. Good job Daddy!! Thank you!

'You control what changes in your life.'

Ooh. Just hit a wall.
I have lost ALL motivation. Crap..

Started my day off by breakfast with Alex. :)

Research done with 45 minutes to spare. :)

Pro-status.

No bigs.