Alright, no, no, no. This will not do.

There's this girl. I hate her. Okay, no, I don't hate her. I mean, truth be told... I don't even know her. We have never met. But that doesn't matter. Sometimes all it takes to fuel this raging jealousy is pictures, stories, and a past. Especially for someone like me who has little self confidence and succumbs to jealousy  easily.


She's pretty. More than pretty, she's popular. Talented to a sickening degree. Someone I'd like after getting to know but would hate prior because I envy her so much. That might seem a little messed up but I've always been that way about people.


I Facebook stalked her tonight. The first time. I've casually seen pictures before but this was me actually going through her page and looking at her in depth. At first the jealousy bit at me and I clenched my fists. My head swum with comparisons, alternating between degrading myself and attempting to degrade her. Pictures can't fight back though and I just made myself feel like crap.


Then that little voice at the back of my head, like Marlin in Finding Nemo during the Angler Fish scene, nonchalantly said, "well, sure, she's got her talents, but does she have yours?" And everything hit me super fast. She's not me. I'm not her. I can't compare us like we're on the same playing field, no one is! We all lead such different lives and were born with such different circumstances and abilities that we don't even have the means to compare fairly! She might be talented at photography, and have lots of friends, and be pretty, and have a past that makes me green with envy.. but given the way I "know" her, I'm privileged to know the not so pretty things about her. And she's not as picture perfect as it seems. Not. At. All. We all hide our secrets so well, putting on that good mask for the Facebook facade we put up. I was just looking at the outer cover. I can only see her very best and compare it to all of me, best and worst. And then, wait a second, I'm awesome!!!! I always focus on the bad things about me in my desperate attempt to improve them but.. I have a lot of good in me. In fact, so many good qualities that I would dare to say that she would be jealous should she Facebook stalk me. Or even meet me. I am talented, very talented. I am beautiful, something I rarely see and even more rarely admit. I am intelligent, it's not your everyday intelligence but it's there! And I am a good person! That is something I struggle with everyday, but I am good. I love to, need to, in fact, help people. I look out for the struggling and lonely people. I do everything in my power to make people feel loved and important. I give service all the time! I am a good person! I have a strong, resilient testimony that has been tried over and over again but always comes out on top. I have an unfailing imagination and a crazy determination. There is so much me wrapped in this little body. So much unique, amazing me. I have no reason to envy her. Yeah, she looks good on the internet. But, when you look into her soul, she won't have what I possess. 


This is not to say that she isn't a wonderful girl. I'm sure she is. I'm sure she's plenty nice and funny and whatever. My point is not to drag her down. It's that too often I look at my ugly, messy behind the scenes and compare it to other peoples pretty, polished, edited final edition. I shouldn't do that. And right now,


I am amazing.