I like math. I really do. It has rules and is either right or wrong. It's black and white but can be applied to abstract situations. It doesn't change based on who's grading it, the opinions don't sway the definition of the different formulas. They're just that, formulas and thereoms, that don't change. Math is a universal language and it does not change. 2+2 will always equal four, I can promise you that.
I like math. I really do. But I am absolutely no good at it. No, scratch that, once I get a concept down I am great at it. It just takes me a long while to master it. As a kid I struggled for months and months to understand long division. Guess who's still a pro to this day? Derivatives were so confusing the first couple of weeks we started them and now I am a derivative master. Unfortunately, the curriculum does not go as slowly as people like me and I end up mastering a concept about two weeks after we've already moved on.
Right now we're talking about the application of the derivative and maximums and minimums as they relate to optimization. I'm sure in a matter of weeks I'll understand this, but for now.. I'm lost and horribly frustrated. The question on my online homework that I'm working at right now is kicking my rear. I understand the concept and can do it in class or with someone else loosely guiding me but application on my own is awful. This specific assignment has six questions. I completed the first two, kept getting the second two completely wrong, and got parts of the last two right. Each question has one to four parts and can be tried as many times as necessary. Right now, I have a 39% for this assignment.
I don't take well to failure. I prepared myself, and have handled well, the intellectual level at BYU. It is far higher than high school. I'm no longer the smartest fish in the little pond. I'm a very, very average fish in the freaking ocean. During high school, that would not have flown. I was completely success-oriented. Now-a-days I'm definitely more chill and realize that I can't always be top of the ladder of success, I find happiness from different things now. I'm a great person regardless of whether or not I'm the best at some things, or if at anything at all. BUT the deep, underlying fear of failure in my nature will most likely never dissipate. Seeing that score of 39% on this assignment was driving me into a tizzy. I seriously was pacing my living room, yelling at my computer, and giving myself an even worse headache than I had already had. I can't let that slide! But nothing I did was changing the grade, all the answers that I was so positive were correct, just weren't. I couldn't think of anything at all except this one assignment and that it was due at midnight. I was panicking. I was on the verge of angry, tired tears.
There are three different factors that go into our grade for this calculus 112 class, written homework, online homework, and the exams. So far, the two exam scores I've gotten have been a 70 and a 65. But coupled with my 100's on almost all of my written and online homework assignments, I have an 82 in the class.
I took a step back just now and looked at that information. I calculated that with my 39% on this latest homework assignment my overall class grade will then be a 82.72%. I took a step back, gained a crap-load of perspective, and chilled. You know what? Failing that one assignment will do almost nothing to hurt my already really good grade.
So, I'm going to go to bed, let it the frick go, and sleep peacefully not caring about one stupid calculus assignment.
I have far better things to do with my life and my time than worry about the minuscule little details like that. I'll understand the material soon enough and this will not matter. This is nothing. I'm done with calculus for tonight.
