Goodbye 2011

This might sound extraordinarily hipster or cliche, I'm not sure, but I truly believe this:
We always treat the end of a year as such a huge deal. So huge, in fact, that we need to make impossible goals and resolutions to symbolize this new year, a new beginning of sorts. While I wholeheartedly participate in this tradition every year, fastidiously writing down new goals and ambitions, I think we should utilize the opportunity to change not just every year, but every day, every second. When there is the need for change, we need not wait for the perfect time, because the perfect time is always now.

2011
Kind of a big year for me, in a lot of ways.
Shall we list the reasons? :) Yes, we shall.

• I graduated high school. Forever I will be associated with the Class of 2011. Not only that but I started college. This was a year of endings and beginnings. I stepped out of the world of childhood, public schooling, and home life and into the adult world I now somewhat inhabit full of independence, decisions, freedoms.
• I learned so much about people and myself. I spent an entire summer becoming who I am. "Finding myself" I suppose. I began my first, real, official relationship. I tried long distance. I got hurt. I dated a bunch. I found a boy that I really like and am currently head over heels for. I learned a ton about relationships and "love", though I'm still very naive. I felt the greatest of personal accomplishments and acceptance. I found what it felt like to be an outsider, outcast. I learned how to treat people and definitely how not to.
• I suffered through what were big trials for me. I had a lot of external as well as internal pressure. My testimony was tried more than ever. I made some wrong, very wrong decisions and have had to face the consequences. I struggled a lot, though mostly due to my own mistakes and problems, and have managed to come out on top. I'm still here.

New Years Eve
Well it's New Year's Eve, 9:00 and I can hear some fireworks going off. I'm sprawled across my couch with only the light of the Christmas tree to guide my eyes as I read my book and write this post. Occasionally I'll pause and yell upstairs at a child to get back in bed but it's mostly peaceful. Around midnight I'm going to drive up to the top of the hill, or somewhere with a good view out over Portland metro, and watch the fireworks from the warmth of my car. I almost wish that I was out at a party or with friends to celebrate a holiday I've always celebrated with my family in a secluded, claustrophobic cabin on Mt. Hood. But then again, I don't wish I was out. Sure, it'd be nice to be with Alex, cuddled up or doing something stupidly cheesy and gag-worthily romantic, and though I miss him, I'm kind of content right here. This house isn't what I call home but I'm with my family and that's where I think I'd most like to spend this "holiday" {if you can call the passing of time a holiday}. I'm something of a homebody.


2012
Ah, silly resolutions that I probably won't keep anyway:

• Take care of my body! Hahhaha, how cliche is that of, like, every single woman in the country? Yeah, yeah, I know, shut up. ;) It's not that I want to achieve a certain weight {though keeping below obesity would probably be admirable..}, or be able to win every Olympic sport, I just want to show my Heavenly Father that I appreciate this tabernacle he's given me and am going to treat it right. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without panting, have a flat enough stomach to wear tighter shirts without feeling embarrassed, and lift my backpack without feeling like my arms are going to escape their sockets. So I'm going to workout every day somehow and try try try {I have very little hope on this one} to eat right and healthy.
• Just be happy, gosh darnit. I spend far too much time wishing I were somewhere else, someone else, doing something, not doing something. I need to be happy here. With this. Right now. I'm making up my mind to be happy. 
• Get some me time in. As we've already established, I'm pretty selfish and self-centered. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want, what I should do, or the opposite way, how much I hate myself, what an awful person I am. But in all of this I've lost something, a firm grasp on who I am and what I'm doing with my life. So this year I'm going to get myself back to a good, non-self-depreciating place. I'm going to try and do a lot of service {counter-intuitive, huh? Getting to yourself by giving of yourself. But it really does work. :) Try it sometime.} and really take some time away from serious relationships {you can't love someone else until you love yourself} or stressful situations. 
• Stop treating time so subjectively. Stop worrying about it, Mackenzie.
• Get a job, make some money, and save like crazy! I have a couple of goals in my near future that need some money to be fulfilled! I mean goals like, complete independence {no support from my parents. housing, tuition, food, books, transportation.. all on me}, a Study Abroad program {I don't know where to or why or when but I am determined!}, and a mission {I want to serve my Savior Jesus Christ by bringing His children back to Him, it's one of my innermost passions and something I've yearned for}. These things need money people!!!
• Lastly.. just do something phenomenal.          I don't know what yet. Something that will leave my world reeling.

Dear Hogwarts,
I'm ready for my letter now.
Sincerely, me.

Grammar

madre

I was telling my mom how disappointed I am in myself for how I handled everything with Paul. I acted very poorly and he probably hates me now. I said that more than anything I wanted to be friends with him, nothing more or less. 
I then said, "but that's probably too much to ask." 
She replied, "you're ridiculous."
"Mom! Why am I ridiculous?!"
"Because.. at least you could ask to be friends with benefits."


Ohhhhh, Mommy. :)

I swear the sound of rain could heal every piece of broken there could be in a person.

Can't wait to get back to school...

From our family's "photo shoot" last night. Totes hilarious. Will post more. :)

Books books books

Finished "The Help" today.
Oh wow.
So good. :)
I haven't read for fun in so long. Maybe three years long. I forgot how much I love it!

I just had my first ever foot massage.. oh my .. :D
best. ever.

Eh, some stuff

This family might be crazy and drive me absolutely mad sometimes, but gosh darnit, I love 'em.
We took family pictures tonight. Man alive that was funny stuffs right thur. We can hilariously funny people and insanely strange.
It was Morgan's ninth birthday today! Happy birthday Mickey! Dang I love that girl. Little miss middle child with a heart of gold and the most photogenic face in the family. She is really the sweetest girl. When she was two or so years old I remember her crying in the backseat and when we asked why she responded that she missed Jesus and wanted to see him again. She has the most precious little testimony and is such a good little 'gwil'. I love her dearly. Little angel.

Hanging out with Mickey over the summer.
In the background you can see Avery stuck in ladder...

The other night after dinner we all sat at the table and threw out quotes from Kid History. It was fabulous. Grant had left the table but suddenly reappeared and shouted, "NINJA VANISH". It was appropriately timed and absolutely hilarious. Those videos are super duper funny, look 'em up on YouTube, eh? :)

Perrrrty awesome. Very enjoyable laughing our heads off at our quoting abilities {which I unfortunately lack. I seriously can't ever quote anything. I can recognize quotes but dang it, can't throw 'em out myself}.
Oh, life is good. :)

It's not just that my sister gets on my nerves, it's that my nerves were designed so that every little thing she does gets on my nerves. Everything.

Christmas Pajamas 2011 :)

I'm an awful person for loving this.
Pardon the french, folks. ;)

True true.

Change it to "here, have some chocolate ice cream" or "here, have a hug"

and this is totally accurate.

I laughed pretty hard reading this. :)

Sometimes I look at people and think.. "what are you doing with your life?"
And then I turn it around, look at my life and think.."what am I doing with my life?"

Days go by

This has been my day so far with a few minor alterations. I'm actually really liking it.

I'll have to figure out a way to get school in between clean and lunch and after lunch before dance...

For now, with this whole break thing goin' down, it's working out. :)

Here we go.

"Set your alarm for 6am. Don’t groan when it goes off and pull the covers over your head, get up and start your day. Put on a baggy top and running shorts. Go downstairs and pour yourself a nice big glass of ice water. Cut up some fruit and mix it in with yogurt. Add some granola. Now go outside. Stretch for 10 minutes. Skip for 5 minutes. Jog for 10 minutes. Run for 10 minutes. Walk back. Lay out a towel on the ground and lie down on it. Do 50 crunches. Yes, they hurt, but they are 100% worth it. When you’re done, get in the shower. Use a nice smelling shampoo and matching conditioner. Shave your legs and wash your body. Exfoliate your face. Get out of the shower and let your hair air dry. Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see? If you do, good for you. Do this every day and you will continue to love yourself. If you don’t like what you see, do this every day and pretty soon you will. Being lazy might feel good at the time, but being active feels better in the long run. How badly do you want it?"

Those moments when you stop..

look around..

and realize..

your head was completely devoid of mental activity of any form.

no thoughts.

nothing.

Those moments kind of scare me.

But I kind of like them too.

Sometimes, 
if I get really still, and hold my breath, 
I can see my heart beat through my skin. 
My hair and fingers will gently bounce.
Sometimes, 
if I get really still, I can see life flowing through me.

A few of my favorite things:

• cheesecake
• grain/wheat fields
• sheep
• post-it notes

judgy mcjudger pants

I once heard a quote that said, 

"you can always trust your mother because she will always love you and never judge you."

I told my mom and we both laughed. 

Don't mind if I do. :)

aww :)

I've seen firsthand what drugs can do.
He had the most beautiful of minds. Arrogant, cocky and intensely brilliant. He need hardly lift a finger and he would have had the world in his hands. We were best friends. You did not get in an argument with him or even stray toward an intellectual topic if your opinion differed from his. He could demolish people with the facts and figures he pulled from the recesses of his mind. His mind was incredible and his potential was limitless. For a while he said that the marijuana enhanced his thought process and capability for learning. It seemed like it too, for a short time. I don't know when he started using heavier drugs, but I know now that marijuana, though shockingly horrible to me, was child's play for him, a mere stepping stone for what he eventually got into. The changes came so gradually that I hardly noticed them at first, it took nearly two years to realize it. They started corroding his brain, from the bottom up. His grammar and spelling, once so impeccable, starting stumbling and falling short. Their-they're-there, you're-your, two-to-too, the simplest of things once so routine and expected from him deteriorated. Punctuation turned around completely, disappearing altogether at some point. His arguments, usually so seamless, became less logical and nearly comical at their simplistic incorrectness. He still retains information and can formulate ideas gorgeously but not nearly as stunningly as once before. After barely graduating high school he forsook the many college scholarships and opportunities he had to work at a ski resort. He severed ties with most of his family. He began taking courses from a community college but dropped it soon after. I couldn't tell you what he does with his spare time anymore, my best guess being getting high. It's a hobby, I suppose. I've seen him high. I was there once when he did. He left the room and when he came back it was such a difference. His eyes, usually so bright and perceptive, had dulled and dilated. It seemed like part of him wasn't there but the other part was struggling to put on an act like he very much was there. Phony act, we saw right through it. I never would have noticed it myself, a friend had to point it all out to me. I'm much too oblivious and naive. Once my eyes were opened to it though, I took notice of it all. The way he became so relaxed, very different from his usual, bouncy self, how he stood in a corner and idly chatted instead of raucously socializing. He changed. He always says that drugs have no side effects, they aren't harmful. Every time I see him or think of him I see a beautiful mind wasted. I see just what they did to him. They're eating him from the inside out. It won't be long before he can hardly manage a coherent sentence, let alone debate entire roomfuls of people. Soon the bubbly, hyper boy I knew will be annihilated completely and the mellow, benign, drugged-up boy will have taken over. The drugs took my best friend.
Although, it is the choice he made to use them that took my best friend from me, not the drugs themselves. 
The consequence of that action will forever haunt me. 

I need to stop making decisions or even think after ten at night.
I just get stupid and irrational and emotional. I'm not logical.

Arrested Development

This scene.
Every day after school.

I hate it when you plan a conversation out with someone in your head and they don't follow the script.
I'm all, "oh no you di'nt, gurrrrl."

I Carry Your Heart
by E.E. Cummings

Merry merry merry merry merry CHRISTMAS!!!

My family celebrates Christmas a day early every year so that Kaila can go to her mom's and I can go to my dad's on Christmas day. The joys of joint custody. ;) Don't get divorced kids! So the tradition has become that on the 23rd we have an extended McCumber family Christmas at a family members home {it rotates every year}, the 24th our family has Christmas, and the 25th Kaila and I go to our alternate parents' homes. This year I won't be going to Utah though.. since I live there and all..

The 23rd. The McCumber Christmas. Always interesting. :)

This picture is from McCumber Christmas two years ago. I'll put up this year's picture once I get it. As you can see, we all have matching pajamas! That's a little tradition we do. This was actually the year that Grant started screaming "pajamas are not presents" when he opened them. Aunt Leanna tried to make him happier by distracting him with a little move called "spring break!" {without pulling her shirt up all the way, thank goodness}. For the rest of the night the little kids were pulling their shirts over their heads screaming "spring break". In fact, we still do it, two years later. Oh, classic. This year we all went to Leanna's house and socialized and sat around and chilled and whatnot for a couple hours before eating a scrumptious Christmas dinner and then going to see Santa.

Santa. I have not gone to sit on Santa's lap for .. years. I've never been a fan of that. This Santa was pretty awesome though. I went on sat on the arm of his chair awkwardly and he said "what would you like for Christmas?" I smiled uncomfortably and ho and hummed for a few seconds before saying "I want a boyfriend Santa!" My parents rolled their eyes and Santa said, "now wait a second! We need to talk about this first." I really had expected to just hop off and get the heck out of there but noooo, he wanted to talk. Alright then. "You know young lady, you don't need a boyfriend. It's quite alright to get coal. As long as it's coal that's been heated and pressurized for a couple thousand years." I laughed and said, "yeah! A diamond!" He then told me an awesome story. "Last week a young man and woman came in. He sat on this side and she sat where you are. I asked her what she wanted and she said she didn't know. I asked him and he said he wanted to marry her. So I reached in my pocket, pulled out the ring he had snuck to me earlier, and handed it to him. He got right down on his knee in front of me and proposed to her." Cue the obnoxious, incessant "awwww"-ing from every female present. Frickin precious. I could not handle the adorable-ness of his story.

After we stood in the cold for twenty minutes to see Santa we went home and opened some presents!!! I don't actually care for opening the presents so much as watching the little kids' faces as they open their gifts and having everyone crammed in one small room together. I love it, as corny as that sounds. Leanna even brought her two little Labrador puppies {six weeks old!!!} in and we played with them as we opened gifts. It was very nice. :)

Christmas 2008!
Oh we were so little.

We got home at ten that night but I felt so completely exhausted so I got right in bed. Unfortunately the sleepiness didn't last long and I was wide awake until eleven thirty or so. It didn't help that I could hear the episode of How I Met Your Mother from downstairs as clear as if it was in my room. Waking up came too soon. I remember as a kid waking up at friggin six am and being wide awake, let's go let's go let's go. My poor parents would forbid us from waking them up until eight and it was always the longest two hours of my life. Now though, eight is too early, my gosh. But I obliged the squealing children because I didn't want to be mean on Christmas.

I don't know how or when or why this started but every Christmas the kids gather outside the parents door and sing Christmas carols to wake them up before opening presents. Once they come out with the camera we are free to attack the stockings. I don't know why we do that. It's strange when you think about it, but it's tradition so I don't question it. After singing three carols at the top of our lungs the parental unit emerged from their cave and we were free to delve into Santa's treats. Another tradition is that Santa brings everyone a movie in their stocking. I got.. "Barbie Charms School". I laughed really hard when I pulled that out. Classic. Oh Barbie movies.. well, that's another story. :)

Once the stockings and gifts surrounding our makeshift fireplace were thoroughly torn through we ate a quick breakfast and started in on the presents under the tree. It felt like we had more than usual but I seriously enjoyed it. We all sat in a sort of circle and Grant distributed them from youngest to oldest. As soon as Mom opened her new Sherpa blanket I stole it. It's light blue/gray and so so so soft. She got one last year but in just the course of 365 days it has turned into a disgusting, ratty mess. That's what you get in a home with little children and messy people. I took that new one and cuddled it in my lap the entire time we opened gifts.

If you were to look at all the pictures you will see that I held it the whole time. Until, that is, I got the best gift ever. Grant and Morgan both opened these adorable Sherpa animal blankets early on. Morgan got a tiger one and Grant got a dog one. They look like pillow pets but are freaking Sherpa blankets!! I really didn't think much of that because it's always been this divide in our house that dictates that Kaila and Kenzie are the "big girls" and Morgan, Grants, and Avery are the "little kids" and we all get separate, matching things. The little kids got matching nerf guns, the big girls got matching hats and scarfs. The little kids got matching slippers, the big girls got matching curling irons. So when it became apparent that the little kids were getting animal Sherpa blankets, I didn't think anything of it. Then it was Kaila's turn to open a present. What did she open but..

A bear Sherpa blanket.
My family will testify that the moment she got one is the moment when my hysterics began. I knew I was getting one. I started squealing and giggling and laughing and screaming up until, and even after, I opened my blankie.

A sheep Sherpa blanket.
My favorite animal on the face of this beautiful, green earth.
The last time I exploded after opening a gift was three or four years ago when I opened the tickets to Wicked that I had thought was only an inaccessible dream. When I opened those I started crying, when I opened this I started screaming. Something in my head makes me react hysterically to opening a sheep blanket and opening tickets to a Broadway show. I'm just strange I suppose.

I received other awesome gifts as well. Like two really nice jackets, a cute shirt, two stuffed animals, a curling iron, jeans, scarf and hat combo, and a gift card or two, among other things. Nothing will ever top this sheep Sherpa though.

Now we're all sitting around enjoying our presents and the company of Christmas and a little football {go Broncos and my boyfriend Tim Tebow}.

It's been a wonderful Christmas. :)

Fabulous

Best thing I've ever seen

Today is my Christmas Eve. :)

ohhh yessss

Boys

I need you like a fish needs a bicycle.

interesting

I clean when I'm angry.
My house is taking a clean beating right now.

"When you're goin on a date, you put on a shirt, and ride your bike to the daaaate."

'pools are perfect for holding water, man.'

right now is the time to become the person you've always dreamed of being

Reasons to be Happy

I had a friend who, whenever I would ask how he was, would shrug and say "fine". It also shocked me a little. You're just fine? Why? He never did have a reason, he just wasn't happy or sad. He was neutral. Always just, "meh".

Why are you just fine? You can be fantastic! You can be happy! You can be ecstatic! You can be alive! Heck, you are alive! You're breathing, you can walk, you can smell, see, love, feel! You have a family. You have food. You have a home. You have a wonderful, incredible life. You have the gospel in your life. You have an intelligent, working mind. You're alive. You should be more than just "okay".

Nights with the family

Tonight Kaila led the kids in an epic round of "Silent Night" where each of us sing a line until she points to someone else who takes it up. Boring as it sounds, it was hysterical. Line of the night? Grant singing "mother and joe" after "round yon virgin". Funny as it was.. it actually made a little sense. Joseph = Joe. Get it? Get it? Also epic? My freestyle rapping. Hecks yes. "Hey, I'm Burgermeister Burger, I'm a real mean fella. I steal all the children's toys and shove 'em in the cellar." There was definitely more and it was definitely fantastic. I'm so smartie.

AWKWARD TIME.

Time for a sensitive subject.
It was always the most awkward lesson in Sunday School and Young Women's, always a feared talk from the parents, and the ever uncomfortable presentation in school.


But first, a preface.
My dear, darling friend Shamele is very.. manly, you could say. We've been friends since we were in seventh grade when he had the biggest crush on me. It was adorable. Though unfortunate because I didn't like him back really. Shamele got really charming and attractive around fifteen years old. He might not be attractive in the face, my little Hindu friend, but.. dang. His body? I can't even begin to describe how hot that is. Once he suddenly turned really charming and hot he started dating like crazy. Shamele has always been a really.. testosterone filled guy.. you could say... From his first girlfriend freshman or sophomore year he started sleeping with random girls all over the place. I mean, he would go to a party, flirt with a random chick and then go nail her. One night stands all the time. For some people, that's totally normal. Society thinks it's normal, in fact. For me though, and a lot of other LDS kids, that's horrific.
I hung out with Shamele and Collin today. Of course this topic came up. He said that he's been with even more girls since he's gone to school up north. He went even crazier. Now this makes me think. First I think about the Law of Chastity and what I personally would be like without it. Would I be like him? Just having a bunch of non-committal sex all over the place?
Two conclusions from that thought. One - the human part of me would not have a problem with that. Sounds great. Hey, I'm human! Two - the moral part of me is grossed out. I don't wanna be a slut. That's just messed up.
And that brings me to my next thought. Although it is hard to follow, I am so grateful for the Law of Chastity. Specifically for two reasons.

1. Something Shamele kept saying was "it's meaningless, it's nothing". Now, I wouldn't know, because I haven't been in that situation, but I feel like it couldn't possibly be meaningless for either partner. Especially not me. I get so attached to people, so easily. I'd get hurt when I found out that the night spent together meant nothing to the guy.
2. I'm self-conscious! Here's what is such a relief to me: my husband will have never looked at or been with another girl before {hopefully} so I will be the best for him! He'll think I'm hot! He'll think I'm super awesome! I would not be able to tolerate being with a man that has something to compare me to, no matter where I rank. Same for him. The Law of Chastity is going to ensure that my husband thinks I'm the greatest thing ever.

Thank heavens for the divine inspiration that keeps us pure for marriage.
Sorry for talking about an extremely uncomfortable topic, guys. Sorry if you're disgusted now, haha. Actually, no, I'm not. This is my blog, my thoughts, my journal. This was on my mind today so I wrote about it. Deal with it. :)

Nothin like laughin hysterically at awkward family photos with your sister until one am.

stupid post for the sake of putting it out there.

I just gotta say this one thing.

I miss Alex.

Yes, I am a corny love-sick little girl. Yes, you were probably expecting that within three days of being away from him I would miss him and start being cheesy about it. Yes, I am predictable.


I am enjoying being with my family and honestly would not trade seeing them for him, I'm not that silly. But I do miss him.


What girl wouldn't miss the guy she's dating if she couldn't see him for two and a half weeks? 

home. sweet. home.

Mom and I placed bets on when I would get fed up with being with the family and would want to go back to Provo. 
I said four days.
She said three days.
It's day three.
Kaila is pissing me off so bad. My family is so annoying. Holy goodness I'm struggling just to keep my mouth shut and not freak out. This is why I was so excited to move out.

meaningful compliments

Best compliment I've ever received is when I was told that although I am pretty with makeup on, I look just as pretty without it on.

It wasn't even in a "pro-natural, stop wearing makeup, you're beautiful just the way you are, you don't need to change to be pretty" way! It was a shy, sweet compliment that I've never gotten before and appreciated so much. It's one thing to be called beautiful but it's another thing to be called beautiful naturally as well.

"Who did you come here with?! MIKE?" "I came alone.."

um..

I can't decide which is more disturbing.

That I heard my brother say, "let's get her naked,"

or that he was talking about the Barbies he was playing with..

Hey Washington!

Home again.
The second I walked through the door, smelled the house, saw the doors and walls and paint and furniture, I had the overwhelming sensation of stepping through time back to when I was last here. Those feelings I left were not good feelings and when I walked in, they all flooded back. I felt like it was summer again. I felt like I was still working as a nanny from 5 am to 4 pm, still missing a boy miles away, still feeling bored with life and everything about it, still anticipating college, still fighting with my family. The second I walked in those feelings hit me like a wall. I remembered exactly why I left so desperately. In that moment I wanted to turn around and run as far as I could. It really filled me with dread, despair, and a longing to get away from my past. When I talk about my past I don't just mean the mistakes I've made. I don't just mean, "darn, I'm a sinner, wish I wouldn't have done that." I also mean that I wish I could forget how things made me feel or the places I've been. This summer was a summer of self-discovery, that's for sure, but it was also extremely painful and difficult. The point being that getting home was not what I expected.

I walked in the door, became engulfed in unhappiness, closed my eyes, and pushed every one of those feelings aside. I took a moment and thought, "now is not then. This is your new life. It is just in the same place. Do not ruin an opportunity to make memories by reminiscing on memories you've already made. What's gone is gone and done is done.

Aside from having that slight panic attack and making the monumental decision to turn it around.. I actually did some fun stuff today!

I woke up at 5:30. That's two hours of sleep. I went to the airport and barely made my flight to Portland, on which I slept for ten minute increments in the most uncomfortable aisle seat. After I was re-united with the family we went to ihop for some breakfast! Delicious.

Hockinson never looked so beautiful! It was 45 and wet, with a gentle fog creepin around. As I flew in I couldn't stop staring at the fog. It looked like an ocean with little ridges of land peeking out to make chains of islands. When the plane descended into the fog ocean it looked even cooler. I gotta say, I love Utah's mountains, and miss their beauty, but nothing, nothing compares to the colors of Washington. We might not have a massive mountain range bordering us, but we have a couple mountains keeping sentinel near us. I don't know how to describe how pretty Washington is. All I know is that I think it's so beautiful.

Baby Kai and Kenzie reunited at last. She mentioned that she was afraid that it might be a little awkward between us at first, since we'd been separated for so long. Like we'd suddenly have nothing in common anymore. Uh, Kaila, we're sisters. We have that in common! That bond never dies! And just like that, given five minutes together we were best friends again. After we got home from ihop Kaila and I took a nap. When we got up Mom, Stadd, and the kids left for Hillsboro in the van and Kaila and I left in the truck. Blaring music and scream singing songs from our childhood has never been so much fun. :) While at Hillsboro we took a ton of stupid pictures and hung out the whole time. Grandma has this tradition of making cookies ever Christmas, which we then deliver to aggravated neighbors, and she demanded that Kai and I have our turn. Pandemonium ensued in the form of a flour fight.

And she thought that things would be weird between us.. silly girl. ;)
After having dinner at Grandma's for Avery's birthday with the whole family, Kaila and I left back to Hockinson {about 45 minutes to an hour away}. Once we got home we headed over to Blockbuster {got The Help because Kaila said it was sooo goooood. It was pretty good actually.}, as we were on our way back she mentions that there was a basketball game at the high school tonight. So we dropped by. Oh my holy goodness I hate that high school. Even just pulling in the parking lot pulled me back in time through a nostalgia time machine of doom. Ew ew ew. We went into the game so she could say hi to her friends and I dragged her out of there. Now that I've moved on to bigger, better things I can't even go back without being disgusted with how awful that time of life was. High school sucked. Luckily it was a quick trip. Then we got Burgerville milkshakes! Oh yeah! That is something they don't have in Utah and I've been craving.

Being home is kind of weird. I still think of this particular house as a transition since we moved into it just after I graduated and all my stuff stayed in boxes as long as I was here. That's a little strange. The important thing though is that I'm with my family. Home is where the heart is, right?

Do you think if you fell through a cloud you'd be wet?

college

One semester of college: done.
I learned so much.
Haha, I need to change my study habits from here on out. What worked in high school doesn't work in college, lemme tell ya. Of course, I got almost all B's I think, so it's not like I was completely slacking off, I just could have applied myself and done much better. The library isn't nearly as awful as it seems and studying for 45 minutes to an hour for every class will not kill you.
People have high school drama even in college. It's unfortunate but there are some people that have brought a stupider, younger part of their life with them to a mature, older part of their life. I think that's how it is in every part of life though, there will always be people with drama. Learning tolerance is key.

Eh, I learned a lot of other things but who cares. ;)

The House that Built Me

This song makes me so homesick.
Before I left for college I would listen to this on repeat for hours, sobbing and dreading the moment that I'd have to turn my life into memories and leave behind my whole world.
I guess things come. Time keeps moving. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. It's consoling to try and soak it all in, vainly attempt to preserve each individual moment but in reality, life just goes. It's coming, and it isn't going to stop for you. I miss my childhood. I miss living at home. I miss how things were in those days. But I can't go back. There is no turning back. That was a phase, a chapter in my book, a beautiful one, and now I'm on to the next. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will ever compare. I'm in a new place.


I'm comin' home though.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Maybe it's not so much that we should be worrying about changing the world .. so much as improving our little corner that others may see and do the same.

I just realized..
Poor Alex is dating the equivalent of a 14 year-old girl. Well, a well-versed in the knowledge of other people's relationships 14 year-old girl.
Think about it! I've never been in a real relationship before {sorry, Tysen, long-distance hardly counts}. So I have all these teenage perceptions and silly daydreams about them that probably aren't realistic or mature. Granted, I've seen my fair share of friends' relationships. I have lived somewhat vicariously through them but.. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm like a little infatuated 14 year-old giddy school-girl with inaccurate imaginings of how this should go.

At first I felt bad realizing this and then I just laughed. Silly me. ;)

So.
Yesterday I woke up at eight or so in a complete frenzy realizing that I had two anthropology essays due at one. That's a solid four hours that I spent panicking and freaking out and writing like mad and going insane.
Turned it in five minutes before they closed. Heck yes.
Then I studied for my D&C test before giving up and taking it. I actually feel pretty happy about that one. :) I only got 70% on my multiple choice but owned the essays.

one test left.

oh holy goodness!! :D

OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS.


I am a grammar Nazi and I totally get this. Totally love it. Totally feel it. I love you sir.

think

Interesting thought.

I forgot how much I hate men.

Time.

Think about that for a second.

It's an abstract concept.. yet we've put a numerical value to it.

How do you explain time to a child? They don't understand it. They don't need it. 

Time, and worrying too much about it, is simply put, a waste of time.

people throw rocks at things that shine

"Life makes love look hard."
-Taylor Swift

AGHHHHHHHHH STRESS

Knowing that you have all morning to sleep in and enjoy the comforts of your bed and sleep and feel so relaxed is COMPLETELY RUINED when you wake up at seven in the morning, eyes wide, heart pounding, because you're so stressed over your finals.

I hate finals week!

I have an essay due in four hours. It's practically impossible. I haven't even started yet.

I am so desperately upset that my roommate and I are both moving out next semester. Now, when we're getting so close to each other! She's seriously so incredible and inspiring.

Oh, Jenna, roomie. What a gal. I love her!

this

http://icanread.tumblr.com/

Mitch Quote of the Day

While studying for American Heritage and going over the amendments:

"So, I had this friend..."

la familia

I miss these little punks.

Mickey and Baby Grant.
Six years ago? Yeah, six and a half years ago or so.
Holy goodness.

me and my Baby Mickey. Little Morgan was eh, four or five?
That's four years ago I think.

hahhaha, Avery when she was just a wee babe.
Probably a year old? A little less?
Five years ago I suppose.

Grant! He's been making that pose since he was two years old.
Love this little turd.
This must have been four years ago? 

All the times are approximate. And, of course, my best friend, Kaila.

Just chillin. :)
We used to stay up until midnight - one in the morning just talking and laughing. 

A year and a half ago. After her talent show.
Talented little thing, that one is.

Oh the goof-ball. :) We've had some good times.
Love her gorgeous face.

Dressed up like hobos and ran around the streets of Hillsboro.
We're nuts. :)

Playin in the mud with the chica.

Fourth o' July with baby kai.
{I look good... ;) }

At my graduation!
She's taller than me.. 

Deep thinking/model poses.

Photogenic.
That's right.

I just miss the whole gang.
All my sibs.
Kai, Mickey, GrantC, and Ave.

I'll be home soon, kiddos.

Don't miss me too much.

I already miss you enough for the five of us.

xoxo - your rockin awesome big sis.

American Heritage Final: 75%

Three to go.

For clarification, a 75 is actually pretty good. :) 

That gets me a B in the most failed class on campus so, uh, heck yeah.

going on

"The world has been going on. The world has a habit of going on. The world has a habit of leaving those behind who won't go with it."
-Woodrow Wilson

Unfortunate

I try hard not to. I really wish I was able to reign in my self-control like that and not let other people's emotions affect mine.
Unfortunately
they do.
If my best friend is really sad, I will most likely end up sad too. If a close friend is stressed, I could very well get stressed as well. I think it's because I'm an empathetic person, I can't help but feel how the other person is feeling, much as I try to keep my own happiness. That's not to say that I'm never immune to others emotions. Heck, I can ignore someone's dumb attitude if I want and go on with my own happy life. But if they're close to me, if they mean a lot to me... it will affect my mood. Almost guaranteed. It sucks. It can be helpful at times. For the most part though, it sucks.

I don't feel smart at all.

In fact, I feel like the dumbest person alive.

Physics final: 85%

Four to go. I'm already drained.

Job 7:13 "When I say, My bed shall comfort me, my couch shall ease my complaint"

Job knew what was up. His bed "comforted" him. "I'm so tired/stressed/sad/exhausted, bed, comfort me! Hold me close!" Naptime.

I want my bed to comfort me in these stressful times. :)

Past, Present, and Finals.

FINALS.
They begin today. I have planned my schedule so that I will take one a day, at noon, with time to study in the morning and at night. I hadn't panicked about it until I woke up this morning. I casually rolled over in bed and then it hit me, I'm taking a final today. My eyes got big, heart started pumping, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I'm freaking out.
A friend shared this scripture with me, Doctrine and Covenants 38:30 "if ye are prepared ye shall not fear".
Well crap, I'm not prepared.
I'm a-fearin'.




Have you ever made a mistake that still haunts you? Regardless of how long ago it was, or insignificant, or forgiven it is? I feel like I can be forgiven but I can't let myself forget. Sometimes I'm just not sure if I've been forgiven and I let it torment me still. I often feel like all I ever do is make mistakes. They all begin with good intentions though.. I want a fresh start, to know that all my sins have been forgiven and can stop haunting me. I want to stop cringing at memories of all that I've done wrong. I want to stop being weighed down by my past.

I'm slowly and painfully learning.
I don't want to be the girl I once was. I don't want to repeat the mistakes I've made. I don't want to go back.
Onward ever; backward never.