I didn't plan for things to work out this way.

I'm a planner. Through and through. I have two planners, a cell phone calendar, and a very good memory dictating where I will be and what I will be doing every hour of every day. I have a plan for every day week, month, the next year, and the next two years. When things don't go like I planned.. I'm not happy. Of course, I schedule in breaks and room for spontaneity, but for my scheduled stuff, I want it to work right. I can be flexible, I can be chill, but it'd be easiest if life just followed my little planner.


This summer was supposed to be just like I planned it: get a job for the four months of being home, draw closer to Christ, work out every day, and other little things that were more negotiable.


Only one thing has yet to work out in the week I've been home

 and it's drawing me apart.

I can't find a job. I feel like I've applied everywhere. No one calls, no one emails. In my whole life I've never found something I couldn't get if I didn't work hard enough for it. Yes, there were some things I couldn't achieve, but I got dang close! For the most part when I put effort in it happened. My life has not been handed to me on a silver plate but I have never faced this level of rejection. It is especially crushing because I am intelligent, eager, and extremely capable. Given a chance any business would be glad to have me, I'm sure of it! So why don't they hire me or even give me the time of day?! Heavens, I know that I can't take it personally but, uh, easier said than done. It is hurting me, much as I'd like to be able to brush it off and say, "oh, they found someone even better than me, no worries." I applied to Wal-mart and McDonald's yesterday. Two places that I consider the bottom of the barrel of society. Perhaps that's uppity of me but I really feel like I can do better. Applying for those companies was one of the biggest blows to my pride, small as it already it. That is rock-bottom for me.


Getting a job was an enormous part of my summer plan. Now I'm staring at a summer full of .. what? This past week I've had nothing to do. I wake up, exercise, read scriptures, get ready, clean, look for jobs, clean, stare at walls, do laundry, drive around town, look for jobs, and who knows what else. I can't handle that. I like having relaxing days like that every once in a while but if I don't do at least one productive and intellectually stimulating thing a day I feel like I wasted a day. I don't like having that much free time. After being so busy for eight months it's making me feel useless. And the idea of spending my entire summer in that way gives me literal anxiety attacks. Everyone has different things they panic about. Everyone has something else that triggers something in them. Forgive me if you don't understand why this would set me off but the thought of spending the next four months doing next to nothing makes me extraordinarily depressed and like I have no purpose at all in life. I try to put things in perspective but, my gosh, it's difficult when you're in the middle of it.

Between the disappointment of not finding a job and the prospect of wasting an entire summer I am feeling extremely low right now. What does the Lord want me to do? Is He testing my patience until someone does call me about hiring? Is the right job coming along and I'm supposed to be waiting? Is there someone I haven't looked that He's waiting for me to find? Does He really want me to spend a whole summer doing nothing? It's so hard to rely on the Lord sometimes! I'm trying so hard, so hard. I'm trying to keep Him in my thoughts always. I'm trying to seek His guidance in every decision. I'm trying! 


I just don't know what to do now.