Just got called about my very first interview!!!

When the gun is loaded, and the match is ready, nothing is simpler. A glance is a spark...

The glances of women are like certain seemingly peaceful but really formidable machines. Every day you pass them in peace, with impunity, and without suspicion of danger. There comes a moment when you forget even that they are there. You come and go, you muse, and talk, and laugh. Suddenly, you feel caught up! It is all over. The wheels have you, the glance has captured you. It has caught you, no matter how or where, by some wandering of your thought, through a momentary distraction. You are lost. You will be drawn in entirely. A train of mysterious forces has gained possession of you. You struggle in vain. No human succor is possible. You will be drawn down from wheel to wheel, from anguish to anguish, from torture to torture. you, your mind, your fortune, your future, your soul; and you will not leave the awesome machine, until, depending on whether you are in the power of a malevolent creature, or a noble heart, you are disfigured by shame or transfigured by love.
by Victor Hugo excerpt from Les Miserables

When I'm sick I make it a point to still do my hair and makeup. That way, even though I feel horrible inside, I look okay on the outside and no one knows that I'm sick.
Super interesting, right? Yeah, I know you were super curious about that. I'm just that generous.

Sometimes I imagine all the angels there must be surrounding us. I wonder who they are and how many are there. I imagine them holding me tight when I'm sad.

sick :(

I am the last person in the world that should ever be allowed to get sick.
It is an injustice to the community.


I pretty much have the lowest physical pain tolerance of anyone I know. Or that has ever lived.. really.. From the second a cold sets in I am all moans, groans, and complaining.
I started feeling sick last night around one am. It's now 1125 pm and I want to cut out my entire sinus cavity. In fact, let's just cut out all the nerves in my body. 

I

Am

Miserable.

I had so much to do tomorrow and now I feel like crap. And I feel so bad being all obnoxious about it to my family but it suuuucks so bad and I want sympathy but they'll get annoyed and and and

wah :(

I want {"want" what a stupid word. who cares what I "want".} one of two things.

1. to get this cold over quick. And by quick I mean let's take one day, set it totally aside to devote to this, and suffer all day so I can be done with it. Speed up the process and make it happen in 24 hours. Like a 24 hour flu! Shuts you down for a day and then you're right back up on your feet. Now, why can't this cold cooperate?!?
2. to have Alex nurse me back to health while I whine about how bad I feel. In January I got a nasty cold-flu thing just as my mid-terms were starting up and he took care of me so well. *sigh* One can dream.

I guess I'll try to get as much sleep as I can and then carry on with my errands and such tomorrow like I'm fine.

I'd really rather just complain though..

Wendy..

I didn't plan for things to work out this way.

I'm a planner. Through and through. I have two planners, a cell phone calendar, and a very good memory dictating where I will be and what I will be doing every hour of every day. I have a plan for every day week, month, the next year, and the next two years. When things don't go like I planned.. I'm not happy. Of course, I schedule in breaks and room for spontaneity, but for my scheduled stuff, I want it to work right. I can be flexible, I can be chill, but it'd be easiest if life just followed my little planner.


This summer was supposed to be just like I planned it: get a job for the four months of being home, draw closer to Christ, work out every day, and other little things that were more negotiable.


Only one thing has yet to work out in the week I've been home

 and it's drawing me apart.

I can't find a job. I feel like I've applied everywhere. No one calls, no one emails. In my whole life I've never found something I couldn't get if I didn't work hard enough for it. Yes, there were some things I couldn't achieve, but I got dang close! For the most part when I put effort in it happened. My life has not been handed to me on a silver plate but I have never faced this level of rejection. It is especially crushing because I am intelligent, eager, and extremely capable. Given a chance any business would be glad to have me, I'm sure of it! So why don't they hire me or even give me the time of day?! Heavens, I know that I can't take it personally but, uh, easier said than done. It is hurting me, much as I'd like to be able to brush it off and say, "oh, they found someone even better than me, no worries." I applied to Wal-mart and McDonald's yesterday. Two places that I consider the bottom of the barrel of society. Perhaps that's uppity of me but I really feel like I can do better. Applying for those companies was one of the biggest blows to my pride, small as it already it. That is rock-bottom for me.


Getting a job was an enormous part of my summer plan. Now I'm staring at a summer full of .. what? This past week I've had nothing to do. I wake up, exercise, read scriptures, get ready, clean, look for jobs, clean, stare at walls, do laundry, drive around town, look for jobs, and who knows what else. I can't handle that. I like having relaxing days like that every once in a while but if I don't do at least one productive and intellectually stimulating thing a day I feel like I wasted a day. I don't like having that much free time. After being so busy for eight months it's making me feel useless. And the idea of spending my entire summer in that way gives me literal anxiety attacks. Everyone has different things they panic about. Everyone has something else that triggers something in them. Forgive me if you don't understand why this would set me off but the thought of spending the next four months doing next to nothing makes me extraordinarily depressed and like I have no purpose at all in life. I try to put things in perspective but, my gosh, it's difficult when you're in the middle of it.

Between the disappointment of not finding a job and the prospect of wasting an entire summer I am feeling extremely low right now. What does the Lord want me to do? Is He testing my patience until someone does call me about hiring? Is the right job coming along and I'm supposed to be waiting? Is there someone I haven't looked that He's waiting for me to find? Does He really want me to spend a whole summer doing nothing? It's so hard to rely on the Lord sometimes! I'm trying so hard, so hard. I'm trying to keep Him in my thoughts always. I'm trying to seek His guidance in every decision. I'm trying! 


I just don't know what to do now.

THE JOB SEARCH IS FAILING HORRIBLY

truth

Welcome to oregon\washington. home of depression, constant fatigue, and vitamin D deficiency.

I've found that, generally speaking, smiles just enhance people's faces.
I'm not attractive when I'm frowning.
Sometimes I smile not because I'm happy, just because I don't want to be ugly, hahhaha. ;)

Today was the first day I felt pain over Alex since returning home.

I've been home six days. In those days I've thought of him, even heard from him, but haven't missed or cried over him. I celebrate that I've improved that much, I truly am recovering, and I also saddened that I broke down at all. I really thought I had reached a point of being capable of not being sad or wistful when his memory came up. I'm very close to that point, I think. He's been gone a month and I feel ready to push on. Today was a minor setback. I'll be on track again tomorrow.

For right now though... I miss him. :(

Answered prayers.

You know those friends that make you feel invaluable and life-changingly necessary?

Yeah, I've got some. And they mean the world to me.

Pacific Northwest Favorites:

Hockinson

Hockinson, a small un-incorporated town located in Brush Prairie between Vancouver and Battle Ground, is the location of a number of multi-acrage properties, vast forests and a couple thousand people. Home to the everybody-knows-everybody feel and plenty of people that never, ever leave, Hockinson has a high, middle, and elementary school, a gas station, two churches, and the market.

It's pretty much my favorite place in the world.

I left a legacy at Hockinson High School in the theater. And I am proud of that.

everyday

My hair crimps itself naturally. And I'm afraid I don't like that.
-_-

I hate stagnation. I hate plateauing. I am obsessed with progression and consistently striving for it. It's one of my only admirable traits, frankly.

"When bad things happen it is useless to spend time wishing it hadn't happened. You must try to minimize the damage."

Pacific Northwest Favorites:

John Tesh

I will always love this man's voice from the radio.

K103, you make me feel at home!

I don't know what I want in life or when or how I'm going to get it. Just that I will.

The pranking continues..     c:<

"What would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us?"

"You don't choose a life, you live one."

Kaila has a ridiculous life sized cutout of Justin Bieber in our room. He has scared the living crap out of me at least four times in the two days I've been home just by standing in the room I sleep in. It's pleasant.
Commence operation Revenge.
Earlier I set him right inside the doorway of our room for when she got home. She was scared. Phase one complete.
Right now it's one am and she's asleep. I set Justin next to her bed leaning over her face. I can't wait to hear her scream tomorrow morning.
I'll keep you updated on my cruelties :)

What    a    night.

It is so beautiful today.

The forests round these parts are stunning

The grass and trees are especially green.
The sun was shining without a cloud in the sky. Seventy degrees and basically the perfect Saturday. The kids were at Grandma's until seven tonight and once they got back Morgan wanted someone to pitch for her to practice baseball. I'm no pitcher or athletic in anyway whatsoever but I wanted to spend some time with my little Mick. We went out to our sprawling backyard and within five minutes all five of us were out there. It was dusk {a beautiful sunset by the way!} and cooling down. We ran around like idiots for an hour, playing baseball, frisbee, spinning games, and every other stupid thing you can think of.


I love these kids. We're all so different but love each other. They all have such important roles in our family dynamic, missing just one changes things in a way. Kaila's the most energetic and fun. She's creative and all about having fun. She's talented and beautiful. I'm very proud of the young lady she's becoming. I was so worried about leaving for school and deserting her in a sense; I wanted to be able to guide and mentor her a little while longer. But she has fared well in my absence and has filled the biggest sister role well. Little Morgan is the sweetest nine year-old alive. She has a heart of absolute gold. I love that about her! She's definitely the kindest of all of us. She can be a rude big sister, as every older sibling is bound to be, but at heart she's a doll. And so photogenic! Dang li'l Micky's gorgeous. Oh, Grant, my little boy. Poor kid is the only boy, haha. A dang funny thing, he's super shy until you get him out of his shell. Although he's grown up with four sisters, the little seven year-old can be quite the boy. His violence and poop-jokes rather balance out our girly hormones and tendencies.  And then there's little miss Avery. Ah, Vee-Vee. I've never ever ever come across a child born, right off the bat, with that much personality. She came out and has had us all on our toes ever since. She is freakin hysterical. I mean, holy crap, she's a funny little brat! She's also very demanding and will someday be the communist leader of the whole world. That girl has determination and attitude! But she's absolutely adorable and can be a darling when she isn't beating up on her brother. I love that girl. We've always had a good relationship. She's my little twin. ;)

my sprawling backyard and silly siblings. :)

Basically, I love my siblings. Quirks and annoyances too.

Wisdom:

"Do you miss the army, Bates?"
"Well, I miss a lot of things but you just have to keep moving don't you?"

"Kenzie! Guess what I am!"
*rawrrr*
"a lion? tiger? leopard?"
"A panthurura"
HAHAHA ohh Avery :)

Oh hey Portland. You're looking characteristically green. :)

Bye Utah..

I'm sad to leave.

Freshman year

What a bittersweet ending.
Eight months went by so quickly. I can't believe it's over already. I've learned so much and made some incredible friendships. I've grown and improved and stumbled and picked myself up and tried my best. I didn't get the best grades, make the most friends, or do everything there was to be done but I lived every second up to its fullest potential. I'm ready for a break from schoolwork and stress. I'm ready to take a short break from complete independence and adulthood. I don't want to leave but I know I'll be back. Very, very soon. Time flies on the wings of angels and you have to make the most of it. I'm doing my best.
So long Provo. You have been an experience to be remembered for the rest of my life.

B F F s

Whale. Julie and I are taking a little break. Over the course of the now five weeks that her and this guy, we'll call him Jerk-Face, have known each other they've "broken" up like nine times only to talk it out and "get back together". They're not official though. Each time I have to hear about it. As her best friend I understand that responsibility and accept it. Because she's obligated to then do the same for me when I'm having a hard time.
After Alex left I was having a hard time. Shocking, right? I mean, those first three days were.. scary bad. I did call her, once, and she came over and took care of me for the evening. Two days after Alex left, two days, she calls me complaining about her problems with her man-friend. Alright, as a good friend, I was there for her and did my best to comfort her, but let's get this straight.. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I was having trouble enough standing on my own two feet let alone having to help her stand as well. But I did it. I helped her out and supported her the next two times she decided to break up and then subsequently get back together with this jerk.
Monday morning I texted her. I was having a rough morning. The stress of finals, combined with no letter, and a lack of sleep put me in a depressed state. I texted her, as we are wont to do, saying that my heart hurt and it was so hard. It was the first time in maybe six days that I'd gone to her for help. I just needed her to listen and sympathize. That's it. That's what we usually do!! Instead I get this touching response,

"Listen, I can't handle finals, my problems with 'Jerk-Face', and your problems all at once."

Oh wow.


I just said, "Okay, I'm sorry you're stressed. Let me know if there's anything I can do."
But inside..
I was going to kill her.
When I was in my darkest hour I was still there for her! But the self-centered little thing couldn't pull herself out of her stupid "problems" with a stupid boy to be there for me?! Please tell me you're shocked and angry too. I mean, seriously, who says that? We've been friends for six years, best friends for at least four of those. What kind of friend says that?
So she called me today, two days after her kind words of care and sympathy, and is all, "I miss you Kenzie! Can I come see you today?! I love you!" And I acted like nothing had happened. Even though it was extraordinarily rude of her, I let it go. Yeah, I'm still shocked but it's not a big enough deal to get in a fight over. I'm actually kind of surprised at myself for being able to let it go so fast but maybe that's just me growing up a little. :) I'm a big girl now!

Biology: a class I barely studied for. Took the final in 17 minutes {literally}. Got an 86%.

I'M DONE WITH FINALS.

daddy's little girl..

My father has the unique ability to totally and completely ruin my day and stress me out over nothing with a simple five minute phone call. When I die early from stress and worry it will be because of him. I love the man and I hate him. He has been the largest trial in my life. I've grown so much from him so I wouldn't have it any other way.. but he's the cause of a lot of the tension in my life.
Gosh Daddy. :(

Basically my past three weeks.

It's three weeks today. It is really hard. But I'm okay. I'll be a ton better once I get home too.

97% on my final paper? Frick yes, thank you very much.

Done with the history final! For not studying I think I did super well. Got done in 30 minutes! haha.

It's hard to smile\open my eyes\move my face when I have a headache. Ouch ouch ouch.

I saw a quail on Saturday and it made me so excited that I'm still thrilled over it.

It's a good thing I leave in three days because I need a break from Julie. She is driving me INSANE.

Had SUCH a great day with Jenny today :) Packed, went to the temple, tried ice cream and waffles.. haaha love that girl!

I wanna go home.. :(

"The Woman in Black" --> scariest movie ever. I had so much fun but I literally think I will be haunted forever.

It's tough, this relationship/breakup heartache/love healing stuff.

I firmly believe that people like me need to take a break between relationships. My best friend Julie and I have very similar, yet very different, personalities. We both like to be in relationships {though we're scared of them} and get attached easily. I'm just so comfortable in that sort of companionship. I love it! So once I'm single again or done with a relationship, I want to find someone else to attach to right away. At least, that's my natural instinct. My heart longs to be back in that sort of companionship-thing. Now.. I have very little experience and probably no room to talk but I firmly believe that the heart needs to time to heal. Once you break up or lose someone you have to give yourself time to get back to yourself. If you rush into something the second you're done with something else he'll just be a rebound, and so will the next, and the next, and the next. That's fairly unhealthy, if you ask me. Even if they aren't rebounds, you sincerely like the person, you're setting yourself up for a never-ending cycle of dependence. I'm in the middle of that right now. After dating someone for any period of time I become somewhat dependent on them, or at least very accustomed to their presence in my life. Having that disappear, that stability and presence, it was shattering. It would be so easy, and it is so tempting, to just latch on to the next available guy to fill that void. That's not good though! You'll end up a crazy middle-aged teenager lacking the ability to care for herself. Coming out of a relationship you have to take time to find your independence again. I'm currently trying to find out how to live on my own two feet, without him in my life. I'm regaining my own foundation. It's hard. Today I did very poorly on my calculus test. All I wanted to do was call him and have him fix it, make it all better. He would pick me up when I fell and tell me it would be okay. I relied on him for that. Now that he's gone I can't need that any more. I have to rely on the Lord and myself. Julie and I have the type of personality that believes that it needs someone else to be happy. It's just not true though. And tempted as I am to get in another relationship purely for the companionship.. I can't. And I won't. I have to heal myself first. I need to regain my sense of individuality and independence before I can successfully try being with someone else again. I'm steering clear of the dating scene for another couple of months while I get back to my roots.


It's a lot harder than it sounds though. I'd rather take the easy route and get a new boyfriend to fill that empty while he's away, haha.

Calculus final in one hour. Here we go. :(

you don't know their story

My roommate Kenzi.. what can I say about this girl? She's really something. And I don't mean that in a bad way! I just mean that I really don't know how to describe her. She is so many different things and none of them at the same time. I like to analyze her, it's interesting.


One thing I love about her is how non-judgmentally she professes to think {though she's actually one of the most judgmental people I've ever met, hahaa}. It makes her so angry when people say things in a judgmental way. She is all about letting people live their lives and being chill about it. Living with her has helped me grasp hold of that concept more tightly. People are going to make mistakes and break rules and be stupid but it is okay. They can do what they want because it is literally none of our business. Unless it is your child, spouse, or close, close friend, you have no place to pass your judgment and make calls on their behalf. I feel like a lot more often nowadays I find myself saying, "just chill. let them do what they want." Because that's how I've been looking at things.


I had an experience a couple weeks back that seems unrelated but helped me realize some great truths. I was in the temple doing baptisms. It's always nice to be in the temple, and I just sat peacefully watching Alex baptize a friend of ours. My mind wandered to the name he had just spoken that she was standing as proxy for. This name, "Rosalia somethin-or-other", struck me and I thought about the woman on the other side that was receiving this ordinance. I was genuinely happy for this spirit and thought about how happy Christ was in her decision to, hopefully, accept this baptism. My heart was so full for this lady that had passed away centuries ago and I didn't know. Then I found myself looking through Christ's eyes at the rest of the people in the room. I saw them for who they truly were: extraordinary sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. They weren't just strangers with odd hair styles or weird quirks or sins in their pasts or presents, they were the radiant beings that Christ knows them to be. As if I was putting on a pair of spiritual glasses, I saw the great goodness and light inside the few people in the room. It only lasted a moment but I was filled completely with charity; the pure love of Christ. 


That viewpoint, looking at people as the divine creatures they are, can help us to not judge. If we all took a step back, hopped down from our self-appointed pedestals, and viewed people on an equal and divine plane, judgment wouldn't happen. If we could only have Christ's vision to see people as they truly are, we wouldn't be so quick to put them down or view their actions as a single culmination of who they are and how worthy they are. It's so easy to say this, of course. It is terribly simple to look in retrospect and say "we all need to chill" but most things in life are easier said than done. I'm going to try to live with more love for people. Try to find the pieces of goodness and beauty within them. I hate being judged and I don't want to do the same.

Let's all just chill ok? ;)

I need Taco Bell or I will die.

I just want to gorge myself on Taco Bell. That's not bad, right?

Future husband - have a secret photographer when you propose. understood?

Calculus final tomorrow at 11.

My head is going to explode

Why am I still awake? :(

these days

So, here's my mental state right now.
I am stressed over finals. And anxious about getting a job.
But really...
I am well. I gave myself a week to mourn the whole missionary thing, I pulled myself back up, and am now healing. I am doing so much better than most "missionary girls" are at this point. I mean, mental pat on the back, thank you very much! Seriously, you should be impressed with me. Someone tell me they're proud of me! Mom. Tell me you're proud of me. Because you should be. This has been a traumatic event! Anyway, I have been doing so well. I'm getting back to my roots and foundation and really thriving. That is not to say, though, that it isn't still hard. The first three days were the absolute worst. Things are so much better now but it is still a process. At least once a day there is something that hurts. Every day brings a new challenge. I hadn't cried for three whole days when something hard hit me today. I was going strong! I faltered a little bit but I'm getting back up on my feet. Going home will help a lot and right now that's my goal.
I am doing so well though. I wish you could see the smile I have on my face these days. Everything is going to be okay!!!

I go home in exactly a week.

Having tons of flashbacks today.
He's been gone only two weeks yet it feels like it's been months. I want time to work the opposite way, please. Months in weeks

She's my age. Engaged. And taking birth control pills right in front of me.

YES I know she's got to for her impending marriage..

but it's freaking me out.

It's going to rain any minute. I can smell it on the wind like a true mountain man.

People think they can't live without things. People, objects, ideas. But really, you don't need anything but yourself and the Lord. That is all you need to live. Don't fool yourself into dependence. The Lord is the solid foundation on which you can build yourself, only Him.

I have a very tender heart. And I don't want to live ashamed of that. There is nothing wrong with who I am. Just the way people see me.

A friend that works at the mtc told me she saw alex and he says hi and can't wait to hear from me again! :D made my day! I should probably send another letter..

Longest day ever.

Just gotta keep pluggin' along.

It's almost done, it's almost over. 

One more class and then two study group sessions.

I can do this.

I think Radioactive by Imagine Dragons may be my favorite song right now.

I am the worst blusher ever. It's BEET RED and comes at the worst moments. Tysen used to say it was "so cute and sweet" and I would just glare at him.
BLUSHING

CUTE HAIR!!!

Lookie!!

I did a cute braid and curlies today!

Only took twenty minutes to do. :)

Good hairs makes me feel good!

Overhead view

see the braid??

yep.

Thank you for patiently letting me satisfy my vanity.
I feel good today! :D

I love finding people that think I'm funny. They are rare so I grasp onto them! I think I'm hilarious and like being surrounded by people who think the same. :)

Finding solace in Christ.

Amongst my many sins in need of forgiving and the loneliness pressing in on me, I find comfort in the gospel and love of Jesus Christ.

He lives. He loves you.

Easter with the Treus. Always an adventure.

Missionary farewells are both sad and exciting. Ah, the dichotomy of life.

Somehow I've ended up on a friends couch in spanish fork. time to call it a night!

Some days are harder than others. It's a crazy roller-coaster ride. 
Yesterday was fabulous. Today has been tough.

optimism

"... and I just love you! You are so positive!"


"Hahaha, I love you too! Oh, I am definitely not positive. Haha. But, you know what? I'm trying. Trying so hard. I'm trying so hard to be happy and find beautiful things in the middle of this ugly mess. I don't want to be depressed just because I lost him; I want to be ecstatic that I get to see him again soon. With each tick of the second hand I get nowhere but closer to that moment! It's all uphill from here! At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Besides, this is a great opportunity for me to improve myself and explore life as an individual. He'll be back soon and in the meantime I'm going to thrive. I'm trying, and that's the most that can be asked of me now, right?"

A friend in the MTC ran into him and took a picture to send to his family. I ended up getting it too. Looks happy doesn't he? That makes two of us that are happy. :)

Feeling so hopeful right now!!! Everything is great!

I love when my hair cooperates :)

Just got asked on a date by a complete creep from uvu. Lied about Alex to get out of it, "I have a boyfriend. Seven months strong! He's an rm, served in texas"

I'm happy and living life but I still hurt. I want to go home so I can start to forget everything. I need to heal this stupid, broken heart.

Wearing new jeans and flats, lookin supa fly. ;) You missed out today because I looked great!!!

green eyes
brown hair
thick eyebrows
wide nose
small mouth

chubby cheeks

broken heart

big dreams

Let's do this, life.

"I love this place,

but it's haunted,

it's haunted,

without you.

My tired heart

is beating so

slow."

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. That is a kind of death.
-Anais Nin

Registering for classes is both exciting and a pain.
My registration date for Fall 2012 classes was April 2nd. I went on and all of the classes I wanted were already filled up. Agh. So I started adding random classes. It was a lot of fun so I continued! 17.5 credits later and I'm taking:

Calculus {actually do need this}, 

New Testament {need this too}, 

Speech and Language Pathology {?}, 

Music Civilization, 

Natural Hazards {haha, idk!}, 

Ballet, 

and

Greek and Roman Classics.

Super duper random classes, hahaha. My plan is to drop at least two of those after the first week or so, probably Greek and Speech Pathology since they're so late in the day. I might add an exercise class for the extra .5 credit to make the minimum load. Since I have no idea what I'm majoring in this works for now. I barely have any GE's left so I'm just playin around and exploring different major options. I'll have to talk to a counselor this fall to help narrow everything down. I'd love geology but want to talk to the advisement people about it first.

Anger

Odd compliment of the month: "you will be so cute pregnant."
Uhhh...? That's semi-flattering but in a weird way.

Today was hard again. Every day brings it's new little challenges and some days are harder than others. Today was the one week mark and I felt so angry. Memories kept flooding back and I was struggling to keep my composure all day. My friend added me to a Facebook group, Missionary Girls, that made me envious of the girls with only a few weeks left and the girls that have no trouble waiting. No, I'm not waiting but I'm jealous that they know what they want and where they're going. And then I stumbled across some chicks blog who talked about her missionary experiences and whatever but everything about this girl pissed me off. It all culminated in a feeling of slow-boiling anger toward the Lord. Anger towards missions. Anger towards my stupid heart for ever falling for his stupid face. I shouldn't be angry; it's completely illogical and uncalled for. If I'm feeling that kind of anger than it's either PMS or the Adversary working on me. Well, we can eliminate one of those. These past couple days I have been doing so much spiritual growth, so it only makes sense that he would want to hinder that. I can't believe I'm letting him get to me like this. I seriously feel so angry right now. I need to sleep this off.

Pray for me, I'm struggling.

Abso-freakin-lutely precious. Love this man.

I want a husband that will love me like this.

Goodbye

http://vimeo.com/31673669

of all the hilarious things in life.. this is top ten.

‎"If thou art accursed with all manner of obnoxious boys; if their attentions fall upon thee; if they tear thee away from the society of thy friends and father and mother and sisters; and thy best friend, for about six years, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, Kelsey, Kelsey, why can’t you stay with us, we’re having a girls night? O, Kelsey, what is this boy going to do with you? And if then she shall be thrust away from thee by the ring of the doorbell, and thou be draggedst into a car, and a boy shall spend the night prowling around thee like an RM thirsty for marriage; and if thou shouldst be taken to romantic places, to the mountains for a picnic, and the sentence of marriage asked thee; If thou be unready; if the environment of BYU conspires against thee to say yes; if even your parents become your enemy; if the temple now looms over you, and all the elements of Provo combine to force you to say yes; and above all, if the very jaws of this boy shall gape open his mouth wide after thee, know thou, Kelsey, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

-- A girl in my writing class. (Name has been changed to preserve anonymity.)

I got my first letter! :D It made me so happy. I probably won't write him back until tomorrow so they're spaced out. Yay for missionaries and letters!

Recovery

It's been a long, hard road.


It's the one week mark and I am where most girls are at by week five. I've found hope in an utterly hopeless situation and solace in a foundation of truth I've had all along.
There is a gaping hole in my chest. A constant, unshakable feeling that something, someone, is missing. Until you've gone through this kind of loss you wouldn't understand. Everything reminds me of him. I see him in everything. This place is haunted now, riddled with memories we carelessly made and tossed aside. There is not one place I can go that he is not associated with. Worse yet is that he is only a mile away. Fenced in and away from me but close enough to reach. It's tormenting.
But I'm surviving. And surviving well. When life gets rough you gotta play rough back. The callouses will form along the way. There's a hole in my heart, something I'm learning to live with. I have put my hands into the Lords and am letting him take this away. He's going to fill that hole with something else until Alex comes home or someone can fill it with love again. In just five days my testimony has grown rapidly. My Savior is the only one who knows this pain completely, the only one who is always, always there. I have no choice but to rely on him.
There is so much hope. It didn't seem like it, and even now I still struggle, but it's there. Everyone once in a while I break down. It's natural to mourn and be sad... So long as you don't stay sad. It's okay to take change hard; it's a difficult process. Just don't let it consume you. Everything happens for a reason.
This pain will subside.
My best friend is gone. I love him. I miss him. And I know I will be okay.