I had my reservations when we talked about dating. I knew how much I liked him {a ton} but I also knew his problems and flaws and shortcomings very well. I knew from the very beginning it would probably not work out for the best unless we worked tirelessly for the rest of forever. From the day I started liking him I had a mental list of why we weren't good for one another. I knew we weren't meant to be.
Sometimes you've got to take a risk though, right? Sometimes you've got to make those mistakes that will end up teaching you invaluable lessons in the end.
Because despite knowing that he and I were not for each I still loved so much about him. I loved and was attracted to and felt deeply about him. And so I decided to go for it. The worst that could happen was that we would end up with each other for forever and be struggling, struggling, struggling to make each other happy for the rest of our existence. As miserable as that sounds, at least I'd be trying in vain to make someone happy that I loved, you know? In my head I figured we'd date, it'd be rough but worth it since we cared so much for each other, and then we'd break up at the end of the semester. Or maybe we'd try a long-distance relationship and it would fall apart naturally. No tears. No hurt.
That's the thing about plans though. When you make them about people they almost never work out. A relationship is two different peoples plans colliding. You can't really make plans at all when it involves another persons emotions and decisions.
Jordan and I are two very different yet also similar people. The differences were where the most damage was done. We tried so hard in our own ways to make each other happy but never got across to the others way of being made happy. Haha, for always being so concerned with the others happiness we were never happy. Yes, we had our radiant moments. For every three problem times we had a beautifully happy pleasant time. It was a constant struggle.
The struggle almost made me more stubborn to fight it, to win out. I felt like we couldn't give up so easily, it was all fixable, we just had to make it to summer. I always felt like I was giving far more than I was receiving and I wasn't appreciated or understood {he, in fact, felt the same}, but I had to endure it so that our relationship would last. In my heart I really believed that with enough work and love we could make it. That anyone could make it with just enough work. I was so stubborn that even though I didn't want it to last, I definitely didn't want it to end. I was so set on making him love me, on making him happy, on finally breaking the Steph-wall and rising triumphant over all the girls whose hearts he's broken and saying "I've done it. I was able to make him fall in love where you weren't. I was good enough for his impossible heart. I've won". It seems selfish now, but in the most selfless way possible. I became stubbornly stuck on sacrificing my own happiness for his.
Instead of getting stubborn when our incompatibility became apparent he pulled back. He kept trying of course, to make sure our problems were truly as relationship-ending as they seemed. But he hit a point where he just dropped back and stopped trying, realizing this was a doomed romance. He was far more sensible than I and was capable of acknowledging that sometimes, no matter how much you care for the person, you just aren't meant to work out. It wasn't without tears {honest} and hurt that he came to the conclusion that it had to end. He thought it out, prayed it out, felt it really wasn't going anywhere and broke it to me as gently as he knew how under the circumstances.
You know when you say something smart and the obnoxious, eye-roll-inducing, know-it-all says, "yeah, well, I knew that too. I totally knew that before you.."? And you're like, shut up. You're just saying that and you didn't actually know. You're an idiot.
I'm not her right now, I swear.
Because in all honesty I knew from the beginning this would happen and that we would have to end eventually. He said at the start that he wanted this relationship to last. And I did too but I didn't know how it would. I mean, it'd be silly to date someone you can't see yourself with in the long run, I just doubted we'd get to the point of even considering that {which, for the record, I did consider on my own. And in my contemplations I decided that marrying him would have been a rewarding challenge that I may have been capable and willing to take on given there was a lot of love from both parties}. I knew all along we were bad for each other. It was an unhealthy relationship.
Even when he said it to me though I didn't want to admit it and acknowledge it. Because when you acknowledge the box in the corner that you've hidden all of your problems and concerns in, it suddenly becomes real. Ignoring the problem made it disappear. There he was forcing it in my face. Saying, "look at our problems, look at them. stop denying that we're not working. because we are really, really not."
He, in his relatively heartless and self-centered way, confronted our problems and dealt with them as sensibly as I wish I would have. I tried to get him back. Heavens knows I convinced myself over and over again that if I only said the right words, looked a certain way, and acted just right he'd remember how good we supposedly had it and how much he couldn't do without me. For the four days after the breakup I stewed and mulled over the glimmer of hope he had given me when he called me back that second time. I couldn't sleep and couldn't think of anything else. It was quite pathetic really. A million scenarios ran through my head along with the memories of what had happened.
You know what's interesting though? Even in all of my daydreams about how it would go, my getting him back, I could never think beyond that. I wouldn't let myself. I'd get to, "well, now in this daydream we're back together..
Well, fortunately for both of us, Jordan stood his ground in his consistently stubborn manner. We went for a walk last night. A long, much-needed walk. I fought him at first and tried to get him back. I tried to guilt him {although he should feel guilty for breaking my heart..} and tried everything to convince him otherwise. I don't know when it was but I finally hit a point where I knew whole-heartedly that he was right, I'd known it all along, and it didn't even make sense to fight it any more. That's when the crying started.
Because admitting that you failed is so hard. Finally understanding and knowing that in reality love is not really all that you need is difficult. Having your pride dealt a blow like being told you didn't meet the challenge and you weren't the girl for him when most other guys you associate with want you.. is painful. And looking at someone you still love despite the failed relationship and the problems and the pain and knowing that you couldn't make it work no matter what you did is extremely bitter and heart-wrenching. Finally saying, "it's done", and dropping the ring into the depths of Mount Doom {I went there} is altogether bittersweet for a million reasons.
I cried and said I was sorry it wasn't good and didn't work out. He apologized too and did his best to comfort me. He held me for a minute and stroked my hair as I sobbed to him about still caring for him so much. That meant the world to me. That even though we aren't for each other we still care for one another. He cared for me still enough to hold me while I cried. That says so much to me. Goodness, if he knew.
We came to the conclusion that friendship was best for us last year and would be best for us now. He said he'd understand if I didn't want to be friends. Truth be told though, that entire day, all of Wednesday, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to hug him. In the most friendly, platonic way possible. If I wanted my friend-Jordan hugs back so bad I knew I'd be able to be his friend. If not immediately then certainly soon. We were always good as friends. I wasn't afraid to tell him off for being an idiot and he wasn't obligated to do anything for me or say anything special to me. He was almost my best friend. That's something that, given a little time, I can find my way back to.
Today was hard. I've found that the easiest way to get over heartbreak is to hate the person. Flat out force yourself to dislike them. You focus on what you never liked and what they did to you and the hurt they caused you and one day you wake up and they're gone from your heart. A bitter taste remains and the inability to see them ever again, but they're no longer important to you. But I've never been one for that. I couldn't with Collin and I don't want to with Jordan. In fact, there is not an ex-boyfriend I look back on with anything but fondness. I am much too loving to hate someone for not being right for me or me for them. That's just silly.
That being said, today was a struggle to not hate him. I am trying to get over him {and am already making progress!} and the easiest way, the way of hating him, is so tempting and so enticing. Haha, there's plenty to dislike about Jordan. It would be so easy to amplify those traits and what he did to me. I don't want to though. And I had to fight it all day long.
He's not going to get rid of me that easily though. When we were friends and I was scared of losing him, when we dated and I was scared of our position should it end, and when we broke up and I wasn't sure of our future he always said to me "you're stuck with me now."
Sometimes it's hard for me to read when people want me around or not. It worries me. That line is something I'm desperately wanting to trust though. I need him and I miss him and, in echoing what he said,
he's stuck with me now.
