Decision Made
Going Home
February 28, 2013
Application for Scholarships Prompt: write a brief biographical sketch about yourself
"The hood is where I call home. Running from the cops is what I do. I like to consider myself the next Al Capone. Basically. But I’ll call myself Al Cappucino. I ain’t no disrespector of persons. Yo. So now I’m here at the old Y, gettin’ a degree in being a Bad-A. GIVE ME YOUR MONEY SCHOLARSHIP PEOPLE."
February 25, 2013
February 24, 2013
How to piss off a Washingtonian:
http://www.fiked.com/50-places-to-visit-in-the-50-states-of-america/
ignore the real Washington state and call Washington DC a state. 50 states of America, minus the actual state and add in DC.
Mackenzie dislikes people like this.
http://www.fiked.com/50-places-to-visit-in-the-50-states-of-america/
ignore the real Washington state and call Washington DC a state. 50 states of America, minus the actual state and add in DC.
Mackenzie dislikes people like this.
February 23, 2013
February 22, 2013
Jordan and I were never right for one another.
I had my reservations when we talked about dating. I knew how much I liked him {a ton} but I also knew his problems and flaws and shortcomings very well. I knew from the very beginning it would probably not work out for the best unless we worked tirelessly for the rest of forever. From the day I started liking him I had a mental list of why we weren't good for one another. I knew we weren't meant to be.
Sometimes you've got to take a risk though, right? Sometimes you've got to make those mistakes that will end up teaching you invaluable lessons in the end.
Because despite knowing that he and I were not for each I still loved so much about him. I loved and was attracted to and felt deeply about him. And so I decided to go for it. The worst that could happen was that we would end up with each other for forever and be struggling, struggling, struggling to make each other happy for the rest of our existence. As miserable as that sounds, at least I'd be trying in vain to make someone happy that I loved, you know? In my head I figured we'd date, it'd be rough but worth it since we cared so much for each other, and then we'd break up at the end of the semester. Or maybe we'd try a long-distance relationship and it would fall apart naturally. No tears. No hurt.
That's the thing about plans though. When you make them about people they almost never work out. A relationship is two different peoples plans colliding. You can't really make plans at all when it involves another persons emotions and decisions.
Jordan and I are two very different yet also similar people. The differences were where the most damage was done. We tried so hard in our own ways to make each other happy but never got across to the others way of being made happy. Haha, for always being so concerned with the others happiness we were never happy. Yes, we had our radiant moments. For every three problem times we had a beautifully happy pleasant time. It was a constant struggle.
The struggle almost made me more stubborn to fight it, to win out. I felt like we couldn't give up so easily, it was all fixable, we just had to make it to summer. I always felt like I was giving far more than I was receiving and I wasn't appreciated or understood {he, in fact, felt the same}, but I had to endure it so that our relationship would last. In my heart I really believed that with enough work and love we could make it. That anyone could make it with just enough work. I was so stubborn that even though I didn't want it to last, I definitely didn't want it to end. I was so set on making him love me, on making him happy, on finally breaking the Steph-wall and rising triumphant over all the girls whose hearts he's broken and saying "I've done it. I was able to make him fall in love where you weren't. I was good enough for his impossible heart. I've won". It seems selfish now, but in the most selfless way possible. I became stubbornly stuck on sacrificing my own happiness for his.
Instead of getting stubborn when our incompatibility became apparent he pulled back. He kept trying of course, to make sure our problems were truly as relationship-ending as they seemed. But he hit a point where he just dropped back and stopped trying, realizing this was a doomed romance. He was far more sensible than I and was capable of acknowledging that sometimes, no matter how much you care for the person, you just aren't meant to work out. It wasn't without tears {honest} and hurt that he came to the conclusion that it had to end. He thought it out, prayed it out, felt it really wasn't going anywhere and broke it to me as gently as he knew how under the circumstances.
You know when you say something smart and the obnoxious, eye-roll-inducing, know-it-all says, "yeah, well, I knew that too. I totally knew that before you.."? And you're like, shut up. You're just saying that and you didn't actually know. You're an idiot.
I'm not her right now, I swear.
Because in all honesty I knew from the beginning this would happen and that we would have to end eventually. He said at the start that he wanted this relationship to last. And I did too but I didn't know how it would. I mean, it'd be silly to date someone you can't see yourself with in the long run, I just doubted we'd get to the point of even considering that {which, for the record, I did consider on my own. And in my contemplations I decided that marrying him would have been a rewarding challenge that I may have been capable and willing to take on given there was a lot of love from both parties}. I knew all along we were bad for each other. It was an unhealthy relationship.
Even when he said it to me though I didn't want to admit it and acknowledge it. Because when you acknowledge the box in the corner that you've hidden all of your problems and concerns in, it suddenly becomes real. Ignoring the problem made it disappear. There he was forcing it in my face. Saying, "look at our problems, look at them. stop denying that we're not working. because we are really, really not."
He, in his relatively heartless and self-centered way, confronted our problems and dealt with them as sensibly as I wish I would have. I tried to get him back. Heavens knows I convinced myself over and over again that if I only said the right words, looked a certain way, and acted just right he'd remember how good we supposedly had it and how much he couldn't do without me. For the four days after the breakup I stewed and mulled over the glimmer of hope he had given me when he called me back that second time. I couldn't sleep and couldn't think of anything else. It was quite pathetic really. A million scenarios ran through my head along with the memories of what had happened.
You know what's interesting though? Even in all of my daydreams about how it would go, my getting him back, I could never think beyond that. I wouldn't let myself. I'd get to, "well, now in this daydream we're back together..does it just go back to how it was?" And I'd force myself to stop thinking. Because I knew it wasn't like going back was better. We were unhappy! We were detrimental to the others emotional health! Why would I go back to that? What was I thinking getting back together would do? But I didn't let myself think about it. We were going to get back together if I had any say in the matter.
Well, fortunately for both of us, Jordan stood his ground in his consistently stubborn manner. We went for a walk last night. A long, much-needed walk. I fought him at first and tried to get him back. I tried to guilt him {although he should feel guilty for breaking my heart..} and tried everything to convince him otherwise. I don't know when it was but I finally hit a point where I knew whole-heartedly that he was right, I'd known it all along, and it didn't even make sense to fight it any more. That's when the crying started.
Because admitting that you failed is so hard. Finally understanding and knowing that in reality love is not really all that you need is difficult. Having your pride dealt a blow like being told you didn't meet the challenge and you weren't the girl for him when most other guys you associate with want you.. is painful. And looking at someone you still love despite the failed relationship and the problems and the pain and knowing that you couldn't make it work no matter what you did is extremely bitter and heart-wrenching. Finally saying, "it's done", and dropping the ring into the depths of Mount Doom {I went there} is altogether bittersweet for a million reasons.
I cried and said I was sorry it wasn't good and didn't work out. He apologized too and did his best to comfort me. He held me for a minute and stroked my hair as I sobbed to him about still caring for him so much. That meant the world to me. That even though we aren't for each other we still care for one another. He cared for me still enough to hold me while I cried. That says so much to me. Goodness, if he knew.
We came to the conclusion that friendship was best for us last year and would be best for us now. He said he'd understand if I didn't want to be friends. Truth be told though, that entire day, all of Wednesday, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to hug him. In the most friendly, platonic way possible. If I wanted my friend-Jordan hugs back so bad I knew I'd be able to be his friend. If not immediately then certainly soon. We were always good as friends. I wasn't afraid to tell him off for being an idiot and he wasn't obligated to do anything for me or say anything special to me. He was almost my best friend. That's something that, given a little time, I can find my way back to.
Today was hard. I've found that the easiest way to get over heartbreak is to hate the person. Flat out force yourself to dislike them. You focus on what you never liked and what they did to you and the hurt they caused you and one day you wake up and they're gone from your heart. A bitter taste remains and the inability to see them ever again, but they're no longer important to you. But I've never been one for that. I couldn't with Collin and I don't want to with Jordan. In fact, there is not an ex-boyfriend I look back on with anything but fondness. I am much too loving to hate someone for not being right for me or me for them. That's just silly.
That being said, today was a struggle to not hate him. I am trying to get over him {and am already making progress!} and the easiest way, the way of hating him, is so tempting and so enticing. Haha, there's plenty to dislike about Jordan. It would be so easy to amplify those traits and what he did to me. I don't want to though. And I had to fight it all day long.
He's not going to get rid of me that easily though. When we were friends and I was scared of losing him, when we dated and I was scared of our position should it end, and when we broke up and I wasn't sure of our future he always said to me "you're stuck with me now."
Sometimes it's hard for me to read when people want me around or not. It worries me. That line is something I'm desperately wanting to trust though. I need him and I miss him and, in echoing what he said,
he's stuck with me now.
I had my reservations when we talked about dating. I knew how much I liked him {a ton} but I also knew his problems and flaws and shortcomings very well. I knew from the very beginning it would probably not work out for the best unless we worked tirelessly for the rest of forever. From the day I started liking him I had a mental list of why we weren't good for one another. I knew we weren't meant to be.
Sometimes you've got to take a risk though, right? Sometimes you've got to make those mistakes that will end up teaching you invaluable lessons in the end.
Because despite knowing that he and I were not for each I still loved so much about him. I loved and was attracted to and felt deeply about him. And so I decided to go for it. The worst that could happen was that we would end up with each other for forever and be struggling, struggling, struggling to make each other happy for the rest of our existence. As miserable as that sounds, at least I'd be trying in vain to make someone happy that I loved, you know? In my head I figured we'd date, it'd be rough but worth it since we cared so much for each other, and then we'd break up at the end of the semester. Or maybe we'd try a long-distance relationship and it would fall apart naturally. No tears. No hurt.
That's the thing about plans though. When you make them about people they almost never work out. A relationship is two different peoples plans colliding. You can't really make plans at all when it involves another persons emotions and decisions.
Jordan and I are two very different yet also similar people. The differences were where the most damage was done. We tried so hard in our own ways to make each other happy but never got across to the others way of being made happy. Haha, for always being so concerned with the others happiness we were never happy. Yes, we had our radiant moments. For every three problem times we had a beautifully happy pleasant time. It was a constant struggle.
The struggle almost made me more stubborn to fight it, to win out. I felt like we couldn't give up so easily, it was all fixable, we just had to make it to summer. I always felt like I was giving far more than I was receiving and I wasn't appreciated or understood {he, in fact, felt the same}, but I had to endure it so that our relationship would last. In my heart I really believed that with enough work and love we could make it. That anyone could make it with just enough work. I was so stubborn that even though I didn't want it to last, I definitely didn't want it to end. I was so set on making him love me, on making him happy, on finally breaking the Steph-wall and rising triumphant over all the girls whose hearts he's broken and saying "I've done it. I was able to make him fall in love where you weren't. I was good enough for his impossible heart. I've won". It seems selfish now, but in the most selfless way possible. I became stubbornly stuck on sacrificing my own happiness for his.
Instead of getting stubborn when our incompatibility became apparent he pulled back. He kept trying of course, to make sure our problems were truly as relationship-ending as they seemed. But he hit a point where he just dropped back and stopped trying, realizing this was a doomed romance. He was far more sensible than I and was capable of acknowledging that sometimes, no matter how much you care for the person, you just aren't meant to work out. It wasn't without tears {honest} and hurt that he came to the conclusion that it had to end. He thought it out, prayed it out, felt it really wasn't going anywhere and broke it to me as gently as he knew how under the circumstances.
You know when you say something smart and the obnoxious, eye-roll-inducing, know-it-all says, "yeah, well, I knew that too. I totally knew that before you.."? And you're like, shut up. You're just saying that and you didn't actually know. You're an idiot.
I'm not her right now, I swear.
Because in all honesty I knew from the beginning this would happen and that we would have to end eventually. He said at the start that he wanted this relationship to last. And I did too but I didn't know how it would. I mean, it'd be silly to date someone you can't see yourself with in the long run, I just doubted we'd get to the point of even considering that {which, for the record, I did consider on my own. And in my contemplations I decided that marrying him would have been a rewarding challenge that I may have been capable and willing to take on given there was a lot of love from both parties}. I knew all along we were bad for each other. It was an unhealthy relationship.
Even when he said it to me though I didn't want to admit it and acknowledge it. Because when you acknowledge the box in the corner that you've hidden all of your problems and concerns in, it suddenly becomes real. Ignoring the problem made it disappear. There he was forcing it in my face. Saying, "look at our problems, look at them. stop denying that we're not working. because we are really, really not."
He, in his relatively heartless and self-centered way, confronted our problems and dealt with them as sensibly as I wish I would have. I tried to get him back. Heavens knows I convinced myself over and over again that if I only said the right words, looked a certain way, and acted just right he'd remember how good we supposedly had it and how much he couldn't do without me. For the four days after the breakup I stewed and mulled over the glimmer of hope he had given me when he called me back that second time. I couldn't sleep and couldn't think of anything else. It was quite pathetic really. A million scenarios ran through my head along with the memories of what had happened.
You know what's interesting though? Even in all of my daydreams about how it would go, my getting him back, I could never think beyond that. I wouldn't let myself. I'd get to, "well, now in this daydream we're back together..
Well, fortunately for both of us, Jordan stood his ground in his consistently stubborn manner. We went for a walk last night. A long, much-needed walk. I fought him at first and tried to get him back. I tried to guilt him {although he should feel guilty for breaking my heart..} and tried everything to convince him otherwise. I don't know when it was but I finally hit a point where I knew whole-heartedly that he was right, I'd known it all along, and it didn't even make sense to fight it any more. That's when the crying started.
Because admitting that you failed is so hard. Finally understanding and knowing that in reality love is not really all that you need is difficult. Having your pride dealt a blow like being told you didn't meet the challenge and you weren't the girl for him when most other guys you associate with want you.. is painful. And looking at someone you still love despite the failed relationship and the problems and the pain and knowing that you couldn't make it work no matter what you did is extremely bitter and heart-wrenching. Finally saying, "it's done", and dropping the ring into the depths of Mount Doom {I went there} is altogether bittersweet for a million reasons.
I cried and said I was sorry it wasn't good and didn't work out. He apologized too and did his best to comfort me. He held me for a minute and stroked my hair as I sobbed to him about still caring for him so much. That meant the world to me. That even though we aren't for each other we still care for one another. He cared for me still enough to hold me while I cried. That says so much to me. Goodness, if he knew.
We came to the conclusion that friendship was best for us last year and would be best for us now. He said he'd understand if I didn't want to be friends. Truth be told though, that entire day, all of Wednesday, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted to hug him. In the most friendly, platonic way possible. If I wanted my friend-Jordan hugs back so bad I knew I'd be able to be his friend. If not immediately then certainly soon. We were always good as friends. I wasn't afraid to tell him off for being an idiot and he wasn't obligated to do anything for me or say anything special to me. He was almost my best friend. That's something that, given a little time, I can find my way back to.
Today was hard. I've found that the easiest way to get over heartbreak is to hate the person. Flat out force yourself to dislike them. You focus on what you never liked and what they did to you and the hurt they caused you and one day you wake up and they're gone from your heart. A bitter taste remains and the inability to see them ever again, but they're no longer important to you. But I've never been one for that. I couldn't with Collin and I don't want to with Jordan. In fact, there is not an ex-boyfriend I look back on with anything but fondness. I am much too loving to hate someone for not being right for me or me for them. That's just silly.
That being said, today was a struggle to not hate him. I am trying to get over him {and am already making progress!} and the easiest way, the way of hating him, is so tempting and so enticing. Haha, there's plenty to dislike about Jordan. It would be so easy to amplify those traits and what he did to me. I don't want to though. And I had to fight it all day long.
He's not going to get rid of me that easily though. When we were friends and I was scared of losing him, when we dated and I was scared of our position should it end, and when we broke up and I wasn't sure of our future he always said to me "you're stuck with me now."
Sometimes it's hard for me to read when people want me around or not. It worries me. That line is something I'm desperately wanting to trust though. I need him and I miss him and, in echoing what he said,
he's stuck with me now.
February 21, 2013
"We" won't ever listen to this song again without laughing
his face
the words
Les Mis music
LOTR references everywhere
LOVE
February 20, 2013
February 18, 2013
There's a problem with mommys and their baby boys.
You see, mothers have a problem with loving too much and not loving enough.
It's a divine flaw I don't quite understand.
Mommys love their baby boys so much. Their boys are perfect in their eyes. So perfect that no one will ever measure up. (Cue horror stories of crazy mother in laws) So much that they side with them through everything. Even when their precious baby boy is not in the right.
And mommys don't love their baby boys enough. Because if they did they would do the best thing for them - to tell them when they're wrong and push them out of the nest and encourage them to be independent men and gentlemen. The mommys would love them enough to see them as imperfect and still love them perfectly. Mothers don't though.
Something that has been on my mind as I watch a friend of mine deal with his struggles by turning to his mother. He turns into his head and to his mom. And I feel like it isn't good. You can love your mom and respect her advice and opinion and still be capable of making a decision on your own without her approval. I feel bad for him, really. How is he ever going to grow up and live an independent, adult life? And how will his future wife ever be able to measure up to his mommy-boy-ness?
Moral of the story: mothers are too loving and not loving enough, maybe that ought to be accounted for as little boys grow up.
It's time to face reality kiddos. Jordan broke up with me two days ago.
And it was as devastating and crushing as ever. What made it hurt worse was that two hours later he said he may have made a mistake and wanted to try again. Unfortunately, dear friends, I was the mature one who told him not to make any rash decisions about getting back together since he'd been so sure just a few hours earlier. I told him to take a little more time and then let me know if he actually wanted me again. And since that moment I've been waiting on a call that I'm realizing will never come. He took his time, thought it out, and stands by his original decision.It's really over.
I lost another one, friends. My heart is officially broken.
February 17, 2013
Sweet text from a church friend
"Hey, I wanted to tell you today how beautiful you looked in church.
Because you really did."
Sweetest thing I've heard all day.
Definitely needed that compliment.
February 16, 2013
No big deal or anything but I just hit the popular page on Pinterest. That's right kids, all of my hard work pinning ridiculous amounts of quotes and pictures of pretty things has finally paid off. Stay on Pinterest and some day you, too, can be this Popular and repinned.
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| 1555 repins! 1555! |
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| *cough cough* 2265 repins.. |
Disclaimer:This blog is a record of my thoughts and feelings as they come. As such some things ought to be taken with a grain {handful} of salt. Posts written at two am, for example, can be dismissed somewhat. On the other hand, I don't care what you think anyway and am going to keep writing the most absurd ramblings that I want.
After being stifled, the truth comes out
How can you look at someone you love that is hurting and let them walk away? How do you let them tell you they've been depressed and struggling and not do anything to try and make them feel better? When that person is there for you through everything. And they would do anything for your happiness. How, HOW, do you let them go?
I'd do anything for that dumb boy. Last week he had a little bit of a rough day, just woke up a little grumpy, and I went out of my way to cheer him up. Visiting him at work, leaving a bunch of notes on his car, checking up on him repeatedly. It was hardly a bad day for him. Imagine if he had a truly horrific day. I don't want to be self centered and egotistical about this but really, can you picture what I would do for him?
I want a man who is going to take me aside and hold me until I get better. Who is going to chase me down when I walk away. I want a man that says, "you are my number one priority and I will set your happiness above anything else." And I want a man who is not afraid to look me in the eye and say "I messed up and I am sorry."
There will come a day when he will wake up, I will be gone, and he will realize how good I was to him. He will sadly recognize that he had a beautiful, loving, and decidedly devoted young woman so willing to make him happy and he let her go. He'll regret his stubbornness in refusing to compromise. And on that day he will understand that you "never know your lover till you let her go."
The problem is that I don't know when that day will be.
I'd do anything for that dumb boy. Last week he had a little bit of a rough day, just woke up a little grumpy, and I went out of my way to cheer him up. Visiting him at work, leaving a bunch of notes on his car, checking up on him repeatedly. It was hardly a bad day for him. Imagine if he had a truly horrific day. I don't want to be self centered and egotistical about this but really, can you picture what I would do for him?
I want a man who is going to take me aside and hold me until I get better. Who is going to chase me down when I walk away. I want a man that says, "you are my number one priority and I will set your happiness above anything else." And I want a man who is not afraid to look me in the eye and say "I messed up and I am sorry."
There will come a day when he will wake up, I will be gone, and he will realize how good I was to him. He will sadly recognize that he had a beautiful, loving, and decidedly devoted young woman so willing to make him happy and he let her go. He'll regret his stubbornness in refusing to compromise. And on that day he will understand that you "never know your lover till you let her go."
The problem is that I don't know when that day will be.
February 15, 2013
February 12, 2013
Unexpected consequence of the longest day of the semester thus far being over:
I'm thinking about Collin.
I'm exhausted and drained and happy and depressed.
How can you shatter a relationship as good as that without any remorse or pity? How am I expected to trust anyone, especially Jordan, after such a horrible experience? Although it is definitely past tense, I liked Collin so much. I thought the world of him. He made me feel so loved. And then he turned around, out of the blue, and knocked the wind out of me. Tell me how to have confidence after that. How am I supposed to believe people after that? It's expected that I just trust Jordan all the time like normal people in normal relationships but no one has told me HOW in the world I'm supposed to when I'm still reeling from the pain! Can someone please cut me some slack for being so sensitive still? Because, news flash, he may not have broken me, but he destroyed my confidence in relationships and love.
I haven't cried over him in well over a month.
Screw relationships.
Screw love.
I'm thinking about Collin.
I'm exhausted and drained and happy and depressed.
How can you shatter a relationship as good as that without any remorse or pity? How am I expected to trust anyone, especially Jordan, after such a horrible experience? Although it is definitely past tense, I liked Collin so much. I thought the world of him. He made me feel so loved. And then he turned around, out of the blue, and knocked the wind out of me. Tell me how to have confidence after that. How am I supposed to believe people after that? It's expected that I just trust Jordan all the time like normal people in normal relationships but no one has told me HOW in the world I'm supposed to when I'm still reeling from the pain! Can someone please cut me some slack for being so sensitive still? Because, news flash, he may not have broken me, but he destroyed my confidence in relationships and love.
I haven't cried over him in well over a month.
Screw relationships.
Screw love.
February 11, 2013
http://dashmandy.blogspot.com/2013/01/snark-and-testimony.html
If you are Mormon, have a sense of humor, and love Arrested Development.
If you are Mormon, have a sense of humor, and love Arrested Development.
February 10, 2013
Count your many blessings
Today was all at once good and bad and an extraordinary trial and blessing.
Here are the conclusions I've drawn:
Try your best and you'll be never be disappointed with yourself. Though the outcome may not be what you wanted, you tried your best.
True love is beautiful, sweet, and truly exists! It will overcome the odds, as watching my friend propose tonight proved.
Life gets really, really hard sometimes. It'll beat you down and narrow your view so you can only see right now. But there is more and the hard times don't last.
The Lord is so much more aware of us than we realize. I have never been so blessed as right now, my hardest times. The blessings are pouring in and I am so grateful.
I am dating a saint. I think Heavenly Father is tricking him into dating me because, haha, he'd never date me in this situation otherwise, and I need him a ton right now. He has been the biggest blessing. I canNOT believe how much he does for me. I'm getting all choked up again! I think the world of him and want to make him just as happy back. There is no way you could comprehend what he means to me or how good he is to me. I don't deserve it. He is a godsend in my tribulation and I will never be able to thank the Lord for sending him or Jordan for being there enough.
Life's going to get better. Maybe not right now. But it will eventually.
Here are the conclusions I've drawn:
Try your best and you'll be never be disappointed with yourself. Though the outcome may not be what you wanted, you tried your best.
True love is beautiful, sweet, and truly exists! It will overcome the odds, as watching my friend propose tonight proved.
Life gets really, really hard sometimes. It'll beat you down and narrow your view so you can only see right now. But there is more and the hard times don't last.
The Lord is so much more aware of us than we realize. I have never been so blessed as right now, my hardest times. The blessings are pouring in and I am so grateful.
I am dating a saint. I think Heavenly Father is tricking him into dating me because, haha, he'd never date me in this situation otherwise, and I need him a ton right now. He has been the biggest blessing. I canNOT believe how much he does for me. I'm getting all choked up again! I think the world of him and want to make him just as happy back. There is no way you could comprehend what he means to me or how good he is to me. I don't deserve it. He is a godsend in my tribulation and I will never be able to thank the Lord for sending him or Jordan for being there enough.
Life's going to get better. Maybe not right now. But it will eventually.
"Lovely girl won't you stay? Won't you stay, stay with me? All my life I was blind. I was blind, now I see"
I'm crazy over a boy again.
I'm a flirt and I love love love the single life. But give me a sweet boy and I will enjoy every second of it. I get attached easily and fall in love even more easily. I move on quickly and try not to hold grudges. I may not be good at relationships but I do love being in them. I'm a companionship-y soul.
And I am crazy for Jordan.
I mean.. He's just.. And I... HE'S AWESOME.
This is what he makes me feel like: relaxed, happy, light, and comfortable. Pretty much exactly what this picture conveys for me. So.. Jordan makes me feel like a hipster girly picture of a window and flowers. That's a pretty powerful skill he has, making people feel like multiple inanimate objects all at once. He's pretty cool, what can I say? So talented. In all seriousness though, he IS crazy talented. My gosh watching him bowl yesterday was by far one of the biggest turn-ons. Holy holy heavens. And musically? No big deal of anything but he can play just about anything with a guitar or ukulele or piano. He's an adorably competitive little soul and honestly wins almost every board game he plays (also fairly attractive..). he's kind of wayyy brilliant and I don't think he even knows it. And so hard working! I love his motivation for school! Yes! He is extraordinarily kind without even thinking about it. Just all these little things he does without even noticing. Basically... I'm nuts for this kid.
I'm a flirt and I love love love the single life. But give me a sweet boy and I will enjoy every second of it. I get attached easily and fall in love even more easily. I move on quickly and try not to hold grudges. I may not be good at relationships but I do love being in them. I'm a companionship-y soul.
And I am crazy for Jordan.
I mean.. He's just.. And I... HE'S AWESOME.
This is what he makes me feel like: relaxed, happy, light, and comfortable. Pretty much exactly what this picture conveys for me. So.. Jordan makes me feel like a hipster girly picture of a window and flowers. That's a pretty powerful skill he has, making people feel like multiple inanimate objects all at once. He's pretty cool, what can I say? So talented. In all seriousness though, he IS crazy talented. My gosh watching him bowl yesterday was by far one of the biggest turn-ons. Holy holy heavens. And musically? No big deal of anything but he can play just about anything with a guitar or ukulele or piano. He's an adorably competitive little soul and honestly wins almost every board game he plays (also fairly attractive..). he's kind of wayyy brilliant and I don't think he even knows it. And so hard working! I love his motivation for school! Yes! He is extraordinarily kind without even thinking about it. Just all these little things he does without even noticing. Basically... I'm nuts for this kid.
February 9, 2013
February 8, 2013
February 7, 2013
you never know what you've got till it's gone
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you will make a dream last
The dreams come slow and it goes so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you will understand why
Everything you touch all it dies
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know your lover when you've let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know your lover when you've let her go
And you let her go
Passenger - "Let Her Go"
She was always the cats favorite.
That stupid cat wouldn't sit still for any of us but Grandma.
She had the battiest, most hysterically crude sense of humor unrivaled by anyone.
I was always greeted with, "well, hello there! And who do you belong to?"
On the rare occasion that she remembered my name we'd chat about how I wasn't *this* tall any more.
I took care of her a couple of weekends throughout my senior year.
We watched tv and she told me her stories.
Her husbands big feet stickin' off the bed.
Having kids when he thought he was going off to war.
Growing up in a time I can only imagine from history books.
That stupid cat wouldn't sit still for any of us but Grandma.
She had the battiest, most hysterically crude sense of humor unrivaled by anyone.
I was always greeted with, "well, hello there! And who do you belong to?"
On the rare occasion that she remembered my name we'd chat about how I wasn't *this* tall any more.
I took care of her a couple of weekends throughout my senior year.
We watched tv and she told me her stories.
Her husbands big feet stickin' off the bed.
Having kids when he thought he was going off to war.
Growing up in a time I can only imagine from history books.
Love you, GG. I'm glad you're with your beloved husband now. I know how badly you missed him. Thanks for brightening all of our lives with your 99 years.
February 6, 2013
February 5, 2013
I think it's important to remember to never lose yourself in another human being.
Never become so reliant and dependent on another person that you cannot function alone. Never become so wrapped up in who they are that you lose sight of who you are. And don't ever, ever get into the habit of repeatedly sacrificing what you need to give someone what they want.
And if you find yourself there.. I hope you have the strength to know that staying will hurt worse than leaving.
Never become so reliant and dependent on another person that you cannot function alone. Never become so wrapped up in who they are that you lose sight of who you are. And don't ever, ever get into the habit of repeatedly sacrificing what you need to give someone what they want.
And if you find yourself there.. I hope you have the strength to know that staying will hurt worse than leaving.
February 3, 2013
February 2, 2013
Happiness is choice. Nature is not.
Winter's are really hard for me.
For the last five years I've gone through a period of depression around winter. Last year it was parts of November and then February. The year before was December and January. I get lonely and scared and feel so lost. They talk about how hard it is living with depression and I can relate. It's a crushing hopelessness that you have to try and shove away with what little energy it leaves you with. It's quite an unpleasant time. I don't know why it happens. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if it's just natural. I wish the past five years didn't have little scars on them from depression. Maybe it's something I'll grow out of. I am quite young still. I hope so of course, but only time will tell.
Its February 3rd. And I can feel it coming on.
I'm fighting it so hard, don't get me wrong. And I'm not letting the fact that this has become an annual thing be an excuse for me to let it win. I don't want the demons to get the best of me. I want this winter to be unscathed. I don't want to scare Jordan away so soon. I'm scared to even talk to him about it if it comes on.
I'm so determined to beat this.
For the last five years I've gone through a period of depression around winter. Last year it was parts of November and then February. The year before was December and January. I get lonely and scared and feel so lost. They talk about how hard it is living with depression and I can relate. It's a crushing hopelessness that you have to try and shove away with what little energy it leaves you with. It's quite an unpleasant time. I don't know why it happens. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if it's just natural. I wish the past five years didn't have little scars on them from depression. Maybe it's something I'll grow out of. I am quite young still. I hope so of course, but only time will tell.
Its February 3rd. And I can feel it coming on.
I'm fighting it so hard, don't get me wrong. And I'm not letting the fact that this has become an annual thing be an excuse for me to let it win. I don't want the demons to get the best of me. I want this winter to be unscathed. I don't want to scare Jordan away so soon. I'm scared to even talk to him about it if it comes on.
I'm so determined to beat this.
By the way
I've had three zits in the past month. All the red on my face is from acne scars and blushing. I am so so happy. I will have clear skin, I will! :D
February 1, 2013
Compliments at work that made my day
- Old Guy: "I'll take a cheeseburger and a ... well, you have beautiful eyes, little lady."
- Freshman girl: "You know, you are the best employee. I come here all the time and you really are the best. You know what you're doing and are always happy and helpful. Thank you so much."
- Another old dude: "Mackenzie from Vancouver. You know, I went here years ago. I graduated in 19(60 something). Know what the difference is between then and now? Then I would have told you that you are drop dead gorgeous. *commence hysterical giggling and absurd blushing* And you have an adorable blush!"
- Chick about my age: "Me and my friends decided you're our favorite worker. You are such a pro. You should be the manager. You're the best."
Days Go By
I woke up at nine to sunshine and an empty apartment. That meant loud music, changing my clothes with my door open (scandalous), and doing ballet. I took Jordan to lunch at eleven. The sweet boy feeds me all the time so I gave back and took him out (almost the only time I spend money unnecessarily is on other people - blog post on that subject to follow) to Zupas. It was nice. Chill, laid-back and really nice. Afterward I drove to campus for my only two classes (a chem lab and strength training) and just kept driving... Until I was home.. Whoops.. So then I spent a couple hours laying on my couch doing homework and enjoying my roomies' company. Dad came down around four to get me a heating blanket (he was super excited that he thought of that for me - haha so sweet) and ended up buying me some groceries too. When I got back I ate and fell asleep on my couch until work at eight. Closing shift was surprisingly fun and went by fast. Working with Jordan is always a little weird for the first few minutes but we all ended up having a good time. He ... he's wonderful. I really REALLY like him. He's more conservative (in all aspects of life) than anyone I've ever dated. And there are some things I don't like or understand, and don't know if I ever could like or understand, but at this point... He's so incredible.
Tilted pictures
1. Why would my hair look this good right before I go to bed??
2. I have such sweet roommates.
2. I have such sweet roommates.
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