I'm a crier. Always have been. I cry when I'm sad. When I'm overwhelmingly happy. When I'm angry or upset. Especially when I feel the Spirit. And I cry when I feel in love.

My tear ducts are directly connected to my little heart. And my body often can't contain all the emotion afforded to me by said little heart. The emotion spills out in tears.

"How often you need
the whole of my gentle hand
on half of your face."
-Tyler Knott Gregson

2012

What a crazy, crazy year.

It started in Utah. January through April I was going to school at the Y, living in Wyview, dating Alex {until March}, not working, and learning to cook. That was a tough but wonderful semester. Dating Alex was an amazing experience and I am so grateful I had that opportunity. We taught each other so much. I was happy and in love but completely broken when he left. I spent a lot of time figuring out how to be happy again and how to trust the Lord. His leaving truly had me hitting rock bottom. I can honestly say that it was {tied} for first place for the worst time of my life. Somehow though it was also the best part. I wouldn't trade the pain for anything because of the lessons it afforded me. Alex became my winter semester. It was also the semester that I fell in love with geology but everything seems to pale in comparison to what Alex and I created. After April finals and the end of winter semester I went back up to Washington. I spent a month looking for a full-time job while working weekend concession stands in Beaverton and cleaning my kitchen. The smell of lavender and grass will forever mean summer 2012 for me. I have a newfound love of old kitchens now. The last three months of summer were spent working the concession stand and at Bethesda with some of my favorite people in the world. Although it was challenging and emotionally taxing I learned so much from that job. Those individuals with special needs are some of Gods most loved children, I know that without a doubt, and I love them. That summer also meant weekends with Corbin. Man, that was awesome. Springsteen will always be the song of my 2012 summer. Summer was very philosophical and soul-searching. It was my summer to really think out who I wanted to be and what I wanted in life. I found strength in myself that I didn't know I had. All of summer was also time spent with the Littles. Man, I spoiled those kiddos. :) It worked though, because now I'm their favorite! Come fall I went on back down to Provo and was so so excited to start life on my own again. Because I was making all of my own financial decisions for the first time in my life it really felt like I was truly, truly on my own. I got my own apartment, brought my car down, got a job {after a lot of trouble and some wonderfully helpful roommates}, and began my real life. I went on a lot of dates and didn't think I'd actually settle but I completely fell for my best friend and after a little while deciding if I was ready, I jumped in with him. It was one of the best relationships I've ever had in my two and a half years of relationship experience. Man, he was something else. I owe him a lot; especially for showing me what I can have, how I can be treated, how I should be treated. He was a wonderful experience. Fall semester also brought my first failed class. It took a lot for me to accept it and recognize that life wasn't over; as I am such a success-oriented person naturally. All fall I pushed myself to exercise every day and eat healthy; a decision I will never regret. Being healthy and fit is not something I was born or raised with and it was certainly an intense lifestyle change for me. I LOVED it. I tried ballet and fell in love with that as well. I discovered that attitude is really, really everything. My job brought me a ton of joy, a few challenges, and not enough money. Fall was an exciting adventure that ended in heartache. As 2012 ends I really have to admit it was a great year. A year that I learned a ton and suffered a ton.

I spent the last day of the year with all the people I love most. Mom, Stadd, Kaila, Morgan, Grant, Avery, and then Dad, and some Treus. I got 'em all in on my last day of 2012. :)
That's the way to end a year.

And now, on to more adventures.

Hey Utah, ready or not here I am. :)

Mixed feelings about leaving home.

Read back through all the December posts and gasp along with me at how things have changed. What a roller coaster. At least it was mostly happy. Bitter and painful for a while there at the end but beautiful and exciting for the first half or so. He made life so amazing when he was still being himself and not ruining my holiday break with his heartbreaking decision. He certainly dictated the sway of my December. He definitely changed everything.

2012 has been something else.

DOING THIS

“Start on January 1st with an empty jar. Throughout the year write the good things that happened to you on little pieces of paper. On December 31st, open the jar and read all the amazing things that happened to you that year.”

I love the fisherman that comes up and starts rubbing Rod down with oil when he's doing tai chai to prepare for the jump. HAHAHAHAHA

"Ohhh when you're going on a date, and you put on a shirt! And you ride your bike to the daaaaate!"

"You know, pools are perfect for holding water..."

"I'm officially kicking off Phase Two: Operation Fiscal Jackhammer."

"Fine! Have fun being married to SATAN!!!"

Denise: I'm sorry, Rod. What were you going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Um, I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.
Denise: Is that what you were really going to ask me?
Rod Kimble: Of course.
Denise: Well, I think the grilled cheese sandwich - in a fair fight. But if it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.
Rod Kimble: Wow, that's pretty racist but correct. I'll see you later.

"'I'm freaking pumped! I been drinking green tea all day!!! I go to church every Sunday! You gonna bring the demons out of me now?!?! This is my hat now. Totally my hat now!"

"Kevin, I know for a FACT you do not party!"
My gosh I love this movie. Freakin classic. :)

2013

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language.
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.”
T.S. Eliot

God is waiting. It will never be too late. :)

How does someone who was once so warm and loving turn so cold and heartless in an instant?
I'm still in shock over that one.

Off to the cabin! The New Years tradition we all hate but also enjoy and continually do everyyy frickin year despite everyone's protests. Oh Mt Hood.

Haha, of all the guys I had to choose from I chose the one that ended up not wanting me. Poor judgement, dear.

Telling the Future

When we met I didn't think

we'd be good friends.

Once we were best friends I didn't think

I'd end up liking him.

After I began liking him I didn't think

we'd date.

When we started dating I didn't think

I'd fall in love.

Once I fell in love I didn't think

I'd lose him.

 

I didn't think I'd lose him

and I did.

 

I did.

"Geez Kenz, you fall asleep in the weirdest places." -Kaila

All four of us girls gathered around the karaoke machine while Kaila finds a song to sing to...

me: So Mick, are you going to have a birthday party this ye-
Avery: I AM!
me: Whoa, okay, Avery.
Kaila: I haven't had one in two years.
me: I haven't had one in nine years.
Morgan: I've never had one..
me, Kaila, Avery: .....oh.. *awkward silence*

HAHAHA oh my gosh it was so awkward. Sweet little Morgan, hahaha.

I could die I'm in so much pain right now.
You know those girls that go, "I don't get cramps when I'm on my period"?            I hate them.
And when they look at you like, "what is your problem?" when you're rolling around on the floor sobbing... if they only knew.

My heart feels so tired today.

...On breakups, suicide, and hope...

For the record, my internet friends, I'm doing very well.

I come on here to vent and write down those feelings that are too strong to express to anyone else. I come on here to get it out and move on. In reality I'm not moping around, I'm not thinking about him or the breakup constantly, and I'm still laughing and smiling and joking. I know my blog gives off the impression that I'm on the floor curled up dying, like Bella in New Moon after Edward leaves her, but I'm not nearly that pathetic. 
After all the trials my life has afforded me to grow stronger, I'm not broken that easily.
I still miss him and wish he'd come back. I'm still in shock. I'm still hurt. But this really isn't the end of the world. Haha, no breakup ever has been. I definitely haven't given up hope on life, despite the perception of the well-wishing friend asking if I should be on suicide watch. I'd never kill myself over this; or at all. He meant the world to me and I wish I meant the same to him, but I don't. And that's something I'm accepting and moving on from. I'm learning to forgive him. I'm learning to live without him. Much as I wish I didn't have to.

Believe it or not, I haven't cried since that day. Five days ago.
He made a huge mistake, whether or not he ever realizes it.
And I don't have time to waste on those who don't think I'm worth theirs.
I'm doing well, friends. Not 100%. And not wholly me again. But I'm well. Believe me. :)

"Falling Slowly" by the Frames is such an awesome song.

"No God, no peace.
Know God, know peace."

I talked to him yesterday. It was good. He wants to meet with me when we're back.
I can't help but wonder what he'll say. I know what I hope he'll say. I know what he won't say. But what he will say is a mystery that I'm dying to find out.

She's the Man.
Classic. :)

I think his breaking up with me was all the more shocking because it was so out of character for him. Yes, it was out of character for our relationship, which I thought had been going so well, but even more so for Collin, the sweetest, kindest, most tender guy I've dated. He'd never done anything to hurt me. He worked for my happiness and took care of me when I was sad or hurt. Breaking up in such a painful way wasn't like the Collin I knew or grew to love. It was surreal. That's why it was even more of a shock than it would have been otherwise.

Part of me thinks it isn't real.. it was just a mistake. Part of me is fooled into thinking he still wants me. Part of me is still in denial thinking he'll come back and beg for forgiveness. There's a sliver of my heart that doesn't want to give up on the thought that he loves me back.

It's time to wake up though.

It's time to go back to the life where hopeful dreams are better than the dreary reality.

Never underestimate the strength of God's creations

Never underestimate yourself.

I'm independent. I'm strong-willed. And I'm a good girl.
Generally speaking the decisions I make are not bad ones. Yeah, I make the human mistakes and make bad decisions about little things but do you see me off rationalizing doing some pot?
Rhetorical question. Of course not, being the answer.

What I'm trying to explain is that I just want support from those around me.

I remember as a teenager my mom would have to calm me down when Julie would go back and forth on things and I'd want to explode. I just wanted to scream at Julie, "NO, DON'T DATE HIM, HE'S A JERK" or, "I ALREADY TOLD YOU HE WAS AN A-HOLE, STOP LIKING HIM!!!" It was so hard. But mom said something that I remember to this day. Something along the lines of, "it is your job as a friend to support her. You can give advice if she asks for it. But it should be tactful and supportive. Girlfriends need to be supportive."
That's basically how I've taken to conducting my affairs with my friends and loved ones. Now, unless they're considering stabbing someone or committing a salvation-threatening sin, I generally just support. Even if I disagree. I might politely voice that opinion. I may express the reasons why they ought to do something differently. But that's not my place. We're all capable adults with our own agency. Sometimes we need to make mistakes in order to learn. Sometimes we have to get hurt so we can be stronger. No, I don't really want to see the people I love get hurt, but it's not my place to yell at them, ignore them, overbearingly express my disdain, or otherwise push them away with my disapproval of their decision. All of which have happened to me by people who don't approve of my actions.

People just need to be loved, dang it. Why do we all try to fix and control people, when it's not our place? Who gave you the right to judge their decision and determine the consequences of them not heeding your advice?

Love and support them.


Love and support me. Please. That's all I want and need.

I had nightmares about you last night.

I haven't heard from you since Sunday. What I'd do for just a text message or phone call.

If you change your Facebook relationship status to single before you actually break up with the girl then you are a coward and filthy and I despise you on behalf of every woman on this earth. I will personally cut up your man card and restrict the use of the word "gentleman" on your pathetic, low-life behalf.

Am I sufficiently humble? Have I been stripped of pride and envy?

Can I sing the song of redeeming love?

Why I Can't Get Married cont.

Reason #276 Why I Can't Get Married
I'm self-conscious about my cooking.
Reason #277 " ... "
It freaks me out when men I find attractive look at my bare feet.
Reason #278 " ... "
People are really obnoxious...

I get excited when I get emails.

Happy Wednesday :)

The Lord of the Rings marathon continues! Return of the King is tonight and then.. The Hobbit! Yeah, yeah, I know the Hobbit is technically a prequel... but movie nights are fun and an awesome excuse for Stadd and I to resume some of our favorite activities! Namely, eating junk food, watching movies, and brutally making fun of Elijah Wood.

The Compliments I Got Today that Made My Day

--> "wow, you have a gorgeous smile!"
--> "any guy would be lucky to date you.."
--> "you're the most positive person I know!"
--> "man, if I were your size..."


aww shucks :)

Mm, Collin?

"Tell me now
where was my fault
in loving you
with my whole heart?"
- Mumford and Sons {White Blank Page}

New iPad, new pictures :) Feelin' purdy!

My Fault by Imagine Dragons

"Is it my fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other
We’ve been missing each other
My fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other
We’ve been missing each other

Oh, it's on the warmest night
It's in the brightest light
It's when the world is moving
Oh, it's in the faintest cry
It's in the lover's eye
Is when I need you most
And don't you know?"

Christmas

My family always celebrates Christmas on the 24th of December so the real Christmas Day, today, is always kind of awkward. Haha. Everyone's texting me like 'merry christmas!' and I'm like.. thanks, that was yesterday.. haahha. And nothing's open and everyone's with their family so it's a very chill day in the Berg household.
Today I think I know what I will do.
- see Les Mis. That is absolutely at the top of my to-do list.
- work out. Hard. That's an every day goal for me but I haven't worked out hardly at all since being home.
- wash all my cute new clothes! I got some new cute stuff that I'm excited to wear :)
- play in the mud. My parents live on property and the whole front yard {which is massive} is basically a swamp. So much mud and puddles! I've been feeling like doing something out of the ordinary and fun. Playing in the mud it shall be :)


Today will be a great day!

Lord of the Rings. Gandalf is so wise. And Frodo so laughable.

Written from my new iPad. :D
For only getting one gift, I scored pretty darn well!!

Tyler Knott Gregson

"Collapse into me
and we’ll put all the pieces
together again."

Haven't stopped shaking since his phone call yesterday.

For you, Mr. Smith. If there was a way you could see this.

Can you hear me screaming to you right now, Collin?

Did you hear the breaking of my heart when you said it was over?

If I cry out to you loud enough will you hear me then?

The only thing I want you to answer is: WHY?

Can you hear me sobbing that question over and over again to you across the miles and miles we're separated physically and that you've separated yourself from me emotionally? Why, Collin? I just want to know, why? I can take however hurtful it is. What I can't take is never knowing the truth.

I knew you better than anyone, Collin, can you hear that? Can you hear that I knew you better than anyone and still loved you? Can you hear me begging you to at least try to work this out with me in person? Can you hear me acknowledging my mistakes but questioning how they amounted to this? Can you hear the way I talked about you?! As if you were flawless and the most perfect man I'd ever loved? Can you hear the pounding that every tear drop that has furiously driven itself down my heartbroken face makes when it hits the floor? Can you hear the sincerity in my voice when I say that I would do anything to have you back? Can you hear yourself thinking too much again, dear? The way you always do? The way you always create a problem that wasn't there to begin with because you over-think? Can you hear the logic in my saying that maybe you panicked, thought it out too much, and broke up with me when you shouldn't have? Can you hear the honesty when I say that I am sincerely apologetic for anything I did to upset or offend you and make you not want me any more? Can you hear the irregular beating of my heart every time I remember I have to live without you from now on?Can you hear the sound of us laughing and talking and singing and smiling and being happy and in love together? Can you hear me quietly singing that song to you on our way to Salt Lake? The way we both believed every word? Can you hear me complimenting you and expressing my happiness with you and loving you through your faults like I did every moment we spent together? Can you hear me on the phone at 430 am just waking up to drive you to work? Can you hear the the loving silence of me listening to everything you said from your sports to your roommates to your drama to your complex inner thoughts? Can you hear the way I would have supported and encouraged and believed in you through your dance team and gold auditions, your hard work hours, your triumphs in becoming a better person, your communications classes, your struggles with your parents, your determination to do summer sales, and your goal to get better grades? 
Can you hear the way I loved you?

Can you hear what you've lost, Collin?

Hear it?

I'm screaming it out to you across the oblivion but I'm not sure you're listening.

Journal Excerpts

The Rise and Fall of "Us"

September 22nd: "So, I've been on a couple dates with this Collin Smith kid...and I think I like him.. :) I still want to be friends though, at least for now."

October 29th: "Went on an awesome date with Collin this weekend. :)"

November 6th: "I really like Collin :) I think we'll go official with our dating soon. BUT I still have to let Sam, Judd, Jordan, and Chris down first.. First world problems! haha"

November 11th: "Collin Smith and I are officially dating. :) I am so happy."

December 1st: "It's wonderful being with Collin. He is beyond good to me. I have never been treated so well. Collin treats me infinitely better than any other guy ever has. He really wants my happiness. He would do anything for me! Every day he works so hard to please me. In all honesty I'm falling in love. He's not the perfect person... but I love who he is and who he could be."

December 11th: "I'm in love :)"

December 18th: "I miss Collin. He's so sweet and I love being with him. Only two more weeks before I can see him!"

December 23rd: "...Collin just broke up with me..."






When did this all become fake? When we were on the phone he said he'd been contemplating breaking up for a couple weeks. He said he never should have told me he loved me. So, everything was a lie at least as far back as early December.

I never saw it coming. How was I supposed to? I believed it all.

And I never even got the real  reason. He "wasn't ready". It wasn't me, it was him. We're better as friends. He felt too tied down.

I got all of the classic lines and none of the hard-lined truth.

What did I do wrong? :(

I'd contemplated breaking up with him on at least three separate occasions. But I always held back. I liked him too much. I knew he was trying so hard. I genuinely didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to lose him. There was never anything worth breaking up over.

How did I let this happen??

I can't believe it was all lies...
All the times he said he could never leave me, would never break up with me.


It's a crushing truth to discover that your reality was a beautifully fabricated lie.

Collin just broke up with me.

I was so happy and in love. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I wasn't enough or how he wasn't ready or how he could do this over the phone on Christmas eve. I don't know how my heart can hurt so much.

Nap time today is so happening.

On-and-off depressed all day.
What on earth is wrong with me.
{What's wrong is that I haven't been sleeping, family members have been irritating, and Collin's mad at me .. hence the on-and-off depressed}

FAMILY CHRISTMAS TIME

Hanging out with Collin {hs bestie Collin} and Shamele this afternoon was so fun. I forgot how much I enjoy spending time with them! Even if Shamele did say I didn't have a good butt.. haha

There are times when I forgot just how truly independent I am. Whether I get too dependent on others or I get distracted by loneliness, there are times when I forget my true nature. I'm a fiercely independent young woman and I don't need anyone. I've put my hand in the Lord's and we walk side-by-side. I don't need anyone; not you, not anyone.

I've always, always loved this song.

I've never had such a problem with swearing as this December. Oh swear word.

Christmas is my favorite :)

Took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese's tonight.
On our way I had them close their eyes so they wouldn't see where we were going.
Grant: "I think we're going to Chuck E. Cheese!"
Morgan: "Oh gosh nooooo. It always smells weird in there."
Avery: "And Chuck E. scares me.."
me: "...open your eyes, we're at Chuck E. Cheese...." *awkward silence*
Grant, Morgan, Avery: "..yayyyy.."

hahahhahahaa. we all had a good time anyway. :) It did smell weird and Avery did get scared when Chuck E. came up and offered her free tickets. But we played and it was nice.
Love these kiddos. :)

My weaknesses

• caring too much at the wrong times
• caring too little at the wrong times
• 
  
• a lot of other things that I'm too tired, or ashamed to list

The Adventures of Tintin was a surprisingly fantastic movie! Wow!

Migraine induced vomitting at midnight.

Throwing up because of a headache makes me anger cry. Which in turn makes the headache worse and me throw up more.

Tuition's due soon.

All of my savings, all of my money, straight into byu. I'll be left with a totally empty wallet.

Nothing for rent. Nothing for books. Nothing for groceries.


I'm praying. And panicking.
Faith and fear cannot coexist but not fearing is incredibly difficult for me.

I get these headaches and I'm so tired of them.
Generally the source of my headaches is as follows:

• lack of sleep
• lack of water
• lack of food
• stress
• too much reading
• too much tv
• being upside down
• playing too hard
• laughing too much

I kid you not. Honest to goodness I can literally trace headaches back to those things. I've been alive 19 years and these have always always been the causes.
Look again at that list.
That's, um, like everything. Like, what could I do for an entire day that isn't going to give me a headache eventually?!??!! I have a perpetual headache and it's pissing me off.
Take today, for example. Bloody freakin' headache all afternoon and evening. It was a bad one. Borderline-migraine. It could have been from the lack of water, too much reading, or too much laughing. But, ya know what? It's gotten to a point where I don't even bother finding the cause of my headaches. HA, they're always there so who gives a darn?!
I hate my headaches.
Yes, I complain a lot and have a low pain tolerance but believe me on this one, I'm usually in pain from a headache.

Farting competition in mom's bed with Kaila.
Team R shall rise forth from the ashes of four months' separation.

Home five days and already gained two pounds. This is gonna be a bad christmas break haha

Ooooooh burn.
me: "Corbin! let's hang out! i miss you hun!"
corbin: "hey! yes, let's! are you free any time soon?"
me: "eh.. tonight? or some time next week, haha."
corbin: "tonight huh? i'm down :) "
me: "cool! I'm babysitting for the foreseeable future but you're welcome to drop by! here's the address ~~~~ "
corbin: "alright! i guess i'll see you in a few!"
*five minutes later*
corbin: "never mind, I won't crash your family time with your siblings. but have a great one! I'll see you soon! next week for sure :) "
*on facebook two minutes later*
corbin writes on troys wall: "Hey bud, wanna hang out tonight?"


Mackenzie is displeased.
Normally Corbin's super good about coming through on things! That's kinda weird.
Oh well. I'm this person:

Literally every day of my life.
I cannot believe how lazy I am.
It's awesome :)

Science experiments with the chill'ens!!! :D

Christmas shopping Christmas shopping Christmas shopping Christmas shopping Christmas shopping!!!!

Because these are the best hugs to get and no men understand that. I have to teach all of the guys I date that this is how the best hugs are given! It is kind of hard that I'm so short and I've been dating lots of tall men... Whatever. Collin shall learn. I shall make sure of it!

Dear World,

IMAGINE DRAGONS IS COMING TO SALT LAKE MARCH 22ND AND I WANT TICKETS SO BAD BUT I CAN'T AFFORD THEM BUT I WANT THEM AND I MIGHT DIE IF I CAN'T GO SEE THEM SO I NEEEEEEED THEM.

Food for thought.
Mackenzie.

Truth be told, I wanna be skinny.
Don't we all, though? Don't we all wanna fit the mold society has given us for our bodies, even just in the slightest?

so beautiful

A girlfriend of mine wrote this and I thought it was wonderful. 

"each and every one of us homo sapiens (but then also, even other living beings) has our own ways in which we are strong. I hate how our society has commercialized strength to be such a narrow set of characteristics."

She went on to discuss that we are all strong, if only in our individuality. How strength comes from beautiful things as well as the characteristically strong things.

You are stronger than you think.

overhead tonight from Stadd

‎"Grant, they're called chicken tenders. I'm tired of you calling them chickens tenders and laughing."

welcome home

Uh... Two of my freshman year girlfriends got married today.

And I'm over here like "I shall date perpetually."

If you're wearing short shorts you shouldn't also be wearing snow boots. You are an idiot and one of your unfortunate outfit decisions has to go.

It's short. Read it.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2012/12/15/the-imperfect-attracts-us/

A few of my favorite things

• fields of grain {oldie but still a goodie}
• sheep {always}
• meditation {every once in a while}
• napping with people {either cuddled up, on separate couches, or just in the same room - love it}
• soreness after a good workout {"if it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right"}
• airports {best feelings in the world}
• fall {favorite season}
• pretty words {"He told me my words sounded like wish white and sky blue, sometimes earl grey, and I always wondered whether he meant the tea or the shade or perhaps some half-hemmed amalgam in between."}
• green beans {baked}
• little love notes {surprise ones, unexpected ones}
• hugs from friends {especially new friends that you still think are the bomb}
• harmonizing and duets {Collin and I sound good - I just need to convince him to sing with me more!}
• well... life. it's my favorite of all.

So, today, I, um, am meeting Collin's parents. Hahahaha. This is crazy. I'm so nervous. His brother lives in the complex next to me so I've met him and love him. But I'm scared out of my mind at meeting the parents!

Thursday

Today in pictures:

The Nicholas Cage bandit strikes again.
This time? Nicholas Cage on Einstein's head. Classic.
Someone in our complex has been posting these Cage pics on everyone's doors. I think it's hysterical.

Cute right? Mhmm.
Nechelle and I went to the store at 1130 for pizza, ice cream, and pepsi.
In our pjs.
To celebrate our last night together and the end of finals.

Uh. I'm a freakin' culinary genius ya'll.
This was my dinner tonight. Before the pizza.
Baked green beans, quinoa, grilled tomatoes, and feta cheese with a dash of Italian herbs.
HOLY DELICIOUS.

Yay for the end of finals!!! :D Life is so good! I didn't get to see my man today but it has still been splendid. Worked two shifts at the Dreamery, finished up my finals, lounged around my house like the lazy person I've wanted to be since the semester started, and did some yoga. Happy Thursday. :)

One of my freshman year girlfriends is getting married tomorrow.

It's terrifying and has me even more determined to not get married for another ten years.

One and a half days until I fly home like a little gosling to the nest or something.

On going home:

• I actually cry with excitement every time I imagine the Littles running up to me in the airport this Saturday.
• I'm humiliated to go home with my face looking like this. No big deal, just an explosion of zits on my face.
• It's going to be weird sleeping in their house. It's not the house I grow up in or know at all. I'm practically staying in a hotel..
• I'm going to miss Collin.
• I just can't wait to see my family. Really really really.

Know what the great thing about my boyfriend is?
Uh...everything.

Well, kids..

*heehee*

I'm in love.

I get really antsy before and during finals. I can't sit still and study or sit still and take it! Ah!

on failure

I'm so thankful for facebook. how else would I know it's 12\12\12?

Up at 430 am to drive my boyfriend to work. THAT IS TRUE LOVE RIGHT THERE. I'm awarding myself the girlfriend of the year award because I'm freakin tired.

sacrifices

I had to lose so much to be where I am.
Dating Collin has caused the following to happen:

• Sam wanted to be friends, he repeatedly told me. Now he avoids me like the plague.
• Joe flat out said we can't be friends.
• Scott's super awkward around me now
• Chris hardly talks to me even when I try

Two of these guys were my really, really good friends. It's so disheartening. :(

I love making people feel better. Collin wasn't feeling well tonight {stomachache and headache} and I pounced on the opportunity to fix him all better. I took care of his stuff, drove him home, walked him into his apartment {woulda carried him if I could and that wasn't weird}, sent him to bed, and started on his dinner for tomorrow {he was all worried about marinating the chicken. Took care of it!}. That doesn't sound like much but I was so prepared and willing to do more! If he had gotten sick I would have been right there to help him out. Last semester Kyla got really sick and I loved playing nurse. I got her water, put her in bed, took care of her stuff for her. Loved it. I so was ready to do that for Collin.
I love taking care of the people I love. :)
I just remember my mommy pulling back my hair for me when I was sick and getting me water to rinse out my mouth when I was little. I even remember her bringing in a blanket and pillow for me to sleep on the bathroom floor with when I had stomach flu. She's not the most affectionate person so that always meant the world to me. I love doing that for other people.
That and I'm a really sympathetic person and can't sit still when other people aren't feeling well. I have to help. Especially because I always seem to have some physical ailment {usually headaches. why do I always get headaches?!} and it makes me feel like I'm making up for complaining so much.

Four finals down and two to go. SO CLOSE.

This semester I will most likely get all A's and B's and one F.

I just failed my calculus final. Just like I failed all three of the calculus exams.
Even if I had done well on the final I still would have failed the class.
This is a first for Mackenzie Treu - failing. I've never failed a class before. I thought I'd fail calc one last winter semester but I pulled out a B-. In fact, I've thought I'd fail lots of classes and never did. Well, that trend is over.
I probably shouldn't let it get to me so bad. I'll be fine by tomorrow, that's for sure, but right now I'm feeling pretty crappy. And I don't like asking for help, so I won't, but the only thing I want is a big hug and good cry. Ya know? Just someone to wrap me up tight and let me have a mini-pity-party for five minutes. And then help me pick myself back up.

I'll be fine by tomorrow. Failing a class isn't the end of the world. Kinda feels like it for the moment though. :\

I hate The Titanic. Friggin gayest movie that still manages to make me cry.

I'm NOT an introvert? Really? REALLY?!?!! Because this has me described to a T.

how wise

1. He's so cute when he studies.
2. He doesn't know I took this picture.
3. I'm such a stalker.
4. Holy crap, I'm a creep.

The final exam I was given three hours to complete?
thirty minutes.

You sir have a beard and therefore I love you.

As far as dating Collin goes...

I must have done something right.

It's finals week. Which means I suddenly hate my life and myself.
Today - New Testament
Tuesday - Calculus and sociology
Wednesday - marriage & family and history


No.

On a scale of one to ten how happy am I?

Put me down for a twenty.

really

I need a day alone.

Being one of the four people in a backseat doublebuckle on a long ride is like being in a squishy hell.

Starving to death up in here. Too bad I am on campus and have no money.
freakin finals are detrimental to my health.

Prayer of a martyred Zimbabwe pastor

I’m part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have the Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made- I’m a disciple of His.

I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. 

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean in his presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer, and I labor with power. 

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. 

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, pander at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

 I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. 

I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till he stops me. 

And, when he comes for his own, he will have no problem recognizing me. . . my banner will be clear!

I want to move on

Someone from Spanish Fork came into the Creamery today. Someone that knew Alex and that we dated. Of course they wanted to talk about him.

It makes me angry with myself that talking about him hurts sometimes. Not always. Just every once in a while I can't talk about him. It makes me angry that I'm struggling with this still after almost nine months. Almost nine months and there are still emotional moments. It makes me angry that I'm with Collin and so happy with him and still, still, Alex'll push through every once in a while. This happens just about every week and a half. It makes me so angry. I'm happy with Collin and I want to be happy with Collin and not thinking of someone else because that's not fair to him and not healthy for me but here we are and I hate it. And I don't know whether I should be angry at me for not being over this yet or angry at him for making it so hard.

I think when you plan on a life with someone it's hard to get over that life without them.

I don't want to feel this way any more and I'm trying trying trying to make it stop.

Yesterday in pictures

He likes to fall asleep on my couch.
Which is okay because I usually fall asleep too.

See? No snow! :(
But still a gorgeous view nonetheless.

Oooh.. sideways.
Eh.
Employee of the Month!!!

Whooooaaa

and the wall of stress just slammed into me.

FINALS.

I've lost so much to get where I am. Do the ends justify the means it took to get here?

Say "nighty-night" and kiss me.
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me.
While I'm alone and blue as can be,
dream a little dream of me.

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear.
Still craving your kiss,
I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear.
Just saying this: Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you.
But in your dreams whatever they be,

dream a little dream of me.

My dear Collin has endless sympathy. Which is good because I always have something to complain about and bad because I always have something to complain about.

just, ya know, the SWEETEST THING EVER