fight me

I'm just going to take a minute to vent about how much I hate...

the silent treatment.

Alex is great. We're so perfect for each other and I love the kid to death. We fight sometimes though. Every relationship has its downs and fighting is inevitable. My deal is I want the fight to be intense, strong, and done with. I want to make it quick, let's kill each other over this and move on. A cut-throat, all out fight. His deal is either ignore the problem or ignore me. He'll give me the silent treatment if that does the trick {his main mode of fixing it}. That way he has time to cool down and move on, effectively avoiding the fight. This.. kills me. Seriously, I can't handle it. At first it pisses me off. I, mean, I get angry. Let's just battle it out! Face this like a man! I want to deal with it NOW! So, when he just stops talking I get hecka angry. Like, I will stomp to your house and then rip your eyes out with the sheer intensity of my fury. But, then, after the anger has calmed down, I get abnormally terrified. I start panicking. What if I've lost him? What if that was the end? What if he hates me forever and we never talk ever ever never again?!?! AHHH! I spiral panic for a short while. This includes tears and heavy, heavy remorse. I spend that time wishing I could take it all back, berating myself for saying anything, letting the fight happen in the first place, and chastising myself to just endure the problem instead of fighting over it next time. And then, the self-loathing comes into play. I start beating myself up, hard. I verbally and mentally turn myself into something worthy of a hospital visit. I put myself down so badly because I feel like I'm the idiot, everything's my fault, I don't deserve him, he should leave me because I'm despicable.. just, retarded stuff like that. Seriously, it's super idiotic. By the time he's cooled off I'm on my knees, begging for him to come back, crawling pathetically back to him, kissing his feet.


Does anyone else see something very, very wrong with this situation??


That whole natural man, nothing-is-my-fault, thing drives me to feel defensive. It's his fault for giving me the silent treatment! This wouldn't happen if we would just get the fight out of the way! Besides, that is so middle school, the cold shoulder crap!!! But, then, I have to realize that I'm totally at fault here too. I mean, maybe I should give him his time instead of demanding that he handle the fight in the same way I do. We all take things differently. Maybe I shouldn't panic so hard. Maybe I should stop being so freaking self-critical when I can't control something. When it came to tonight's argument though, it honestly was the most petty thing. Oh, and I didn't start it this time, that's a bonus! Because it was so trivial I was shocked that he'd give me the cold shoulder. But it got me thinking.


I am put in this position at least twice a month. This position of feeling super degraded and low, like everything is my fault completely. That's so not healthy. I don't want to be in a relationship where I always feel like the bad guy. I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm left feeling this way. I don't want to be the one crawling back each time. Heck, I'm amazing. My man should be crawling back to me!! Of course, it could be that I put myself through that and it's not him at all. This honestly could all be my fault and just my "crazy" coming out. I'm so new to this relationship crap and still trying to figure out how to give and take, make both of us happy and compromise. It's all so confusing!!!


So, make all the judgement you want {because apparently more people read this supposedly secretive blog than I had realized!} on whether it's his or my fault, or both, but I don't really care what you think. I'm discovering on a daily basis that you honestly cannot please everyone. And I've tried. 

Just, suck it, k? 

Be little judgy-mcjudger pants but in the end I'll do what I want. That's the kinda gal I am.