I think I just need to get this out here, get it off my chest. This might be kind of long, and definitely stupid to you, but it's comin' nonetheless.
I'm just kind of scared. Alex is leaving at the end of March. That is coming so soon. I don't want to say goodbye at all. I am so in love with him and living without him is going to be incredibly difficult. I know that I'll survive but I don't want to have to, I want to be able to keep him for myself. Because, at the point I'm at, that's exactly what I want, him forever. I don't really like the idea of marriage, not right now that is, but someday that'd be nice. Right now, I can see myself married to him. We're both too immature for that, and I want a returned missionary, but because he and I work so well, fit so perfectly, and are such a good match, I can't imagine finding anyone better than him to spend an eternity with. So, if I'm really convinced that he's "the one", the logical step is to just wait for him. Two years, see where things are, and make it official, seal the deal. But I won't wait for him. I'm not going to waste away two years of my short little life waiting for someone when I could be opening myself up to other possibilities and options that the Lord has in mind for me. That's what the real problem is here, the root of it all. I can't give this up to Him. I am having so much trouble saying, "alright, you know what's best anyway, so take it." It's so hard! I'm terrified that he'll say, "no, Alex isn't it, here's something else." Because even though I know that someone else would be the absolute perfect match, better than Alex, I don't want that right now. The idea of Alex or I with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach. I literally cringe thinking about that. Maybe that will go away with time once I get over him but right now I cannot let that happen. Which, I guess, leaves me the option of simply waiting until I'm over him and then giving it up to my Father, but that really does make things hard right now. What I want, is to know exactly right now whether or not I'm meant to be with Alex, whether or not we end up together. I want to see the road map. I want to know the plans the Lord has in store for me. Life doesn't work that way though. It requires so much more faith. And so I'll take this day by day, enjoying all the time I have with him, dreading the day that he leaves. When he does leave I'll get on my knees and say, "Father, you know what I want. But I'm surrendering my will to yours." If he's the guy for me then nothing else will work out, despite the fact that I'm open to other relationships yet not actively searching for a husband. If he's not the one I'm meant to spend the rest of my infinite life with then I will meet someone else that exceeds anything I've ever known. Sometimes I wonder how much is the Lord and how much is just us. There are no "soul mates", there are many, many people we are compatible with. Which leads me to believe that we could choose from this group of potential spouses and the Lord supports it. But how does that explain my patriarchal blessing? My future husband is talked about a lot, in fairly specific detail too. So that makes me feel like there is a "one" for me out there, rather than a few. Or, perhaps the Lord isn't restricting who I choose so much as saying, "I've seen who you choose, and this is what he's like." How do you know if you're supposed to marry him anyway? My mom knew she was going to marry Stadd when she saw Kaila. DeAnn knew she'd marry Benjamin when the Spirit told her at women's conference. People have all these different sorts of promptings or confirmations and other people have none at all, just going with it and making a happy life for themselves. It certainly does not matter to me right now. I am not getting married for a long, long time. But I'm concerned by that. How will I know? This university is getting under my skin, the marriage hype is affecting me. Along with my education it's the next step, ya know? Much as I dislike that. It'll be interesting seeing where this goes. Where my life goes. Ha. I wish I knew where my life was going. Patience is the key, I suppose.
