I'm afraid to post this because I don't want you to know all of my flaws..

Those suffering from perfectionism tend to be wonderful, contributing, and effective people, and yet may feel that no matter what they do, it is never enough.
-Cecil O Samuelson


Story of my life.


I used to be okay with my flaws and imperfections. My favorite scripture was Moroni 10:32 "Come unto Christ and be perfected in him." because I understood that even though I crave perfection it cannot come except through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.


I've lost that understanding over the years though. I'm back at square one, fighting off the desire to fix every little thing to achieve perfection. It's terribly overwhelming. Every day I have to remember to smile, look people in the eye, do my homework in a timely manner, not judge, sit up straight, be happy, absorb information and ask questions, pray, look for little ways to do service, identify those in need and help them, read my scriptures, dress well, have faith, prioritize my time, make people feel loved, be nice, focus on being positive, etc, etc, etc. It's even more difficult now that I'm in a relationship. We have to compromise and for me that means remembering to not say this, not do this, not think this, be a better this, and try a little harder at this for him. Every time we fight I give in and say, "okay, I'll make that change." because it's always my fault. He used to change but now it's me. 


I'm battling on every front to become that perfect person I've envisioned for me. I know that I can do it, it is very possible for people to change and become who they want to be. But I can't do it alone. It's all-consuming. It's frightening. On my own I have feelings of self hatred and a fear of failure. I'm not good enough. I try so hard in every aspect of my life to mold myself to that perfect woman but it's impossible to do in just one day. Every day I find more flaws, something else to add to my list. Every day I feel instructed to do something differently, work on another trait or characteristic. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. If I focus on one thing on my list every twenty one days I still wouldn't be perfect by the time I die. And I am sick of people telling me this is unhealthy. "You shouldn't be a perfectionist, Mackenzie." Well, why don't I add that to my list of things to change too?? Or, better yet, when people counsel me on a specific thing, a goal already on my list, "Mackenzie, it's really unhealthy that you do this and think this way. You should stop that." Really. You think I don't know that?! You think I don't see my flaws every day when I look at myself and that specific one isn't glaring me in the face as well?! I appreciate your "constructive criticism" but I have enough on my plate! You don't even know me, how can you dare think to tell me what else I need to change?! I'm trying so hard! It's too much. 


I have come so far already. I am a million times the person I used to be. I was once mean and angry and judgmental and selfish and unhappy. I'm so much better, you see? But it is difficult to be proud of what I've done when I still have so much to do. I can't do this alone. I'm nowhere near perfect. I just want Him to take it from me. Take it all from me. Perfection is a life long process that I will never be able to complete on my own. I can only be perfected through Him that knows my struggle. 


So why am I having so much trouble trusting Him?