Just found out my cousin Chris knows about this blog!!! 

This raises the question:

who else knows..???

If you are a family member, yes, McCumber, text me confirming that you do know about this blog. 

I'm sufficiently freaked out that ya'll know about my personal thoughts.. weird...

Because I'm PMSing and holy freaking STRESSED with a crap load of work, let's just go ahead and add fighting with my boyfriend on top of that. Nothing makes me feel better after a long day of near-tears and testing than having Alex get upset with me. That's really just what I needed. Especially when it's over something super trivial and ridiculous. Come on.

Facebook makes me feel really bad about myself. I have the worst habit of comparing myself to other people so a social network like this isn't good for me.

I need to quit Facebook. I should also quit life because I am in a horrible mood. Oh my gosh life is overwhelming.

I need ice cream and a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Just really quick k? I promise I'll be better after that. Being strong for so long makes me weak.

Just slipped and fell all over the snow outside my apartment. Wow embarrassing.

I kind of like not having a tv. It gives me more sleeping time.

"Sea otters hold hands when they sleep, so they don't drift away from each other."

With all this snow I feel like I'm living through the Apocalypse right now.
I'll probs die. At least someone totes will. Like duh.

Channeling my inner Snookie.

Baby Mickey didn't like the sand. :)

And you can see Kaila and I playing in the water!

Morgan when she was like.. three??

Spinner. :)

Memories!!!

This video was made at midnight on my 18th birthday. Kaila and I are singing our favorite song from our favorite movie, Barbie Princess and the Pauper. I think we started to annoy the crap out of Stadd {watch his face the whole time.. classic.} but by the end we were singing for ourselves. This, this  right here is basically the essence of Kaila and I. Actually, this is us toned down. We get nuts.

Enjoy.. :)

I have a twin bed. I occupy one half and my sheep the other.

Also: chameleons are my second fave animal but I feel like a stuffed animal one would be weird.

My friends all think I'm 'nice' or 'sweet'.

Either I've fooled them well or chosen wisely..

"You’re not allowed to chart love. The reason … is because we think of love as a binary thing: You’re either in love, or you’re not in love. You love, or you don’t love. I think the reality is that love is a process."
- Rufus Griscom

A minor dyslexic, I read "bears today" in my geology textbook as "teddy bears".
But, alas, I was disappointed by the lack of stuffed animals in the reading. ;)

There is no chance of me getting to bed at a reasonable hour tonight.
Ugh.

I put myself in these situations thinking maybe I'll be strong and alright this time around. And every time I come out feeling degraded and upset.
Why do I put myself in this position? Why do I do that to myself?!

Happy birthday Alex!

Alex's birthday is today, Sunday, and as such I decided that Saturday I would do something for him.

About two weeks ago, I checked with his mom, over Facebook, whether or not I could surprise Alex on Saturday. She said they weren't doing anything for him Saturday so I could have the whole day. Don't mind if I do!

Phase One: I didn't let him know at all what we were doing or if we were doing anything. I told him we'd probably hang out on Sunday but I didn't give away any details. Of course, I didn't actually have a legit plan until Friday night, but he still didn't know anything. Wednesday night I enacted phase one, the letter. I sent him a letter {which I said I wouldn't do while on his mission} detailing where and when he was to arrive here on Saturday and that there would be a challenge involved. Happy birthday to Alex! He got it Friday night and was all excited. Unfortunately, I had to give away a few details, like look nice and bring a suit, but all he knew was that their would be a challenge of sorts.

Then I had to figure out what the frick I would do. Friday night I devoted a solid two or so hours brainstorming and planning. I came up with a photo scavenger hunt, a puzzle, and a couple other random things.

Phase Two: Alex arrived at my apartment at 11:15 am, Saturday February 25th 2012. Late! I had planned everything down to the hour {shut up, I know I'm a freak} and him being late gave him only 45 minutes to complete the first challenge rather than the allotted hour. When he arrived there was a bag hanging on my door. The bag contained my camera and a note. The note is as follows.

Happy birthday honey. :)

Today is your last day of being 18! Weird, huh?! Happy last day! I love you! To start the day off you are going on a photo scavenger hunt. You should find my camera with this piece of paper so grab that and get ready!

Your instructions are as follows: You are to take this camera, do not break it darling, and get a picture of yourself with all of the following objects or places. Later you will find out the significance of each location and/or object. If a photo cannot be taken then you will have to call and beg for forgiveness, counting on my mercy to save you. Once all eighteen of the photos are taken you are to call and receive further instruction.

A photo of you–

1.      In front of Stover Hall

2.      With Jenny, Alli, or any of your FHE sisters (in the event that none are available, any member of your old ward will do)

3.      Standing on the stairs by May hall (yes, those stairs) in a crouching cat pose

4.     On the Bell Tower, looking dramatically out across the landscape

5.     Sitting on the bench at the bottom of the Bell Tower stairs with a cheesy grin on your face

6.     Hugging a lamp post of your choice

7.      At a table in the food court of the Wilk, preferably against a wall

8.     Leaning seductively over a pool table in the Wilk

9.     Glaring at the camera in the bowling alley, just look pissed.

10.  By the Jamba Juice in the Wilk

11.  On the steps of the ESC

12.  The stairs by Rape Hill

13.  The duck pond at the bottom of Rape Hill

14.   With Jimmer. Whether this be a poster, picture, or the actual being

15.   In Legends Grill, staring at the logos

16.   Either at the entrance to the Smith Fieldhouse gym or just outside the Smith  Fieldhouse

17.   Sitting in a seat in the large auditorium of the JSB, or, if occupied, any     classroom of any building.

18.   In a car, preferably your own or one that you did not break into

This photo scavenger hunt must be completed by noon in order to receive further instruction via phone call.

[Helpful Hints] You might want to attack people milling about the photo site and ask them to take the picture for you. Also, if you notice, they are mostly grouped into similar areas. There should not be much driving involved if you look closely at the list and strategize which areas you can park and tackle and then re-locate to tackle the next set.

Each photo location had special significance to us, a lot of memories were made at each place. Sure, eighteen pictures might not seem like a lot but I had plotted it all out and it would take about an hour. I was so right. He was done by about 12:15 or 12:20. As soon as he had left with the bag, which I knew about since I was in my apartment watching him from the peephole and my window the whole time, I walked up to campus. Since I am such a freaking genius I planned this whole thing down to the second and I knew if I left when he did I would have plenty of time to set up the next phase without running into him on accident or anything.

Phase Three: That morning, before he arrived, I decided to make a puzzle. It was a spur of the moment thing and ended up being fairly elaborate. I used nine pieces of paper, drew and doodled all over them and cut them into a puzzle. There were 57 pieces in all. I deducted that it would take him half an hour to figure it out. How right I was. Because I'm always right. Always. ;) So after he began the photo scavenger hunt I walked up to campus to the room I had reserved in the library. I set out two things. One, in plain view, was the piece of paper with the explanation for all of the different photo locations {the reasons and memories behind each choice} and a bunch of candy. Underneath this first piece of paper was a second that said, "you have thirty minutes to complete the puzzle you will find on the chair at the other end of this table." And, two, hidden on the chair at the other end of the table was the puzzle I had made just that morning.

After I set it up I took up my post at a study desk at the end of the hall where the room was {he wouldn't see me as he walked by but I would be able to see him just fine} and waited for his arrival. Once he finally came I went and stood outside the door, behind a bookshelf so I could watch him the entire time without him seeing me. It worked perfectly. It was so funny watching him trying to desperately put the puzzle together in time. Once time was up {seriously, I had everything planned down that hard core} I walked in. He said, "noooo! I was almost done!" then stopped, jumped up, ran around the table and pulled me into a huge hug saying how fun and thoughtful everything had been so far. He only had a few pieces left before I whisked him away to lunch.

I knew he had been craving Mexican food so I let him choose where we went. Los Hermanos it was. Delicious. :) We had lunch from 1 to 2 {hahhaa, I sound like a nut!!!} and then hurried back to my place to see Mitch and Troy. The point of seeing them was to meet Troy {who I've been waiting months to meet and was just as cool as expected. Black people are always cool though} and get some sleeping bags back that they'd borrowed from Alex {even though Mitch didn't even have them, haha}. Afterward, at three, we drove off to the Museum of Art, to meet Bryce. This was the dreaded part of the day that I apologized profusely for. My friend Bryce is a photographer. I owed Bryce a favor and he happened to call Friday night asking if I could find another person to be in a photo shoot with myself Saturday. Well, I owed him one and Alex would be with me Saturday anyway so I begrudgingly said yes. Alex had said on many occasions before that he hates photo shoots. So the poor kid was surprised with something he hated.

We met Bryce at three and went to the graveyard. He took multiple exposure shots of us so we looked like little ghosties. The photo shoot only lasted from 3 to 5 but I was seriously done by 4. Not only did I feel bad for putting Alex through that but I didn't want to do it either! At all! By the time we were done with that nonsense I felt drained and just exhausted. But it was okay because our fun was not over! The photo shoot was just a blip on the good day. At five we went back to our place to change. I put on my pretty red dress and Alex put on his handsome suit. We went up to the temple. :)

Since Alex just got his endowments he was able to baptize me. I'm not sure I even have the words to describe that. It's so much different than just a random temple worker or even someone you know. Having someone you love and care about do a holy work with you is like the next level of amazing that you hadn't previously known. The Spirit was overwhelming and for the first time I was genuinely happy for him to be going on a mission.

After we went to the temple we went back to my apartment and got changed and then I made him his favorite fried chicken for dinner. It was a really good day. I was way happy that I got to make him happy. :)

Yep, I'm a creative little bugger. Happy birthday Alex!

Tiffany the Slut

I moved in this semester to an apartment in Wyview with Kyla and Kenzi. Last semester they had a different roommate, one that I was replacing... Tiffany.
Tiffany was nuts, according to them. She stopped going to classes about two weeks into the semester and would just lay around on the couch watching tv all day. Not only that but she was a total whore. She would have guys over all the time, random guys, just to make out and have sex. She really was a slut. Just hearing about the things she did makes me angry. After fall semester she moved to California with a guy she met over Facebook. Apparently he was super crazy and just using her for her money {she's loaded} and when she ran out of money they moved back to Provo {where her parents are}. This weekend he went crazy on her. He said there was no chemistry, she didn't have big enough boobs for him, and he just wanted to sleep around anyway. Tiffany was broken up with. Tiffany is currently estranged from her family and gave up all her friends for this douche bag. Tiffany had nowhere to go when she was broken up with. Tiffany came here. Since Friday night she has been occupying our apartment. All she does is use our stuff, eat our food, and cry and whine about her problems. I cannot tell you how many times in these past two days that I have heard her complain about what an idiot her ex is but when someone says, "good! Yes, he is an idiot! Get over it!" and she says in the most obnoxious voice with fake sobs, 

"But I llllovvvvvveeee hiiimmm!!!!"

Cue Mackenzie punching Tiffany in the face.
Actually, it's rather entertaining for me. I love love love hearing other people's drama. When I see Whitney the first thing I say is, "what's the new drama?" and she'll start going off with stories. It's fabulous. I don't want the drama! I want to hear about it though. So, even though I am hating having this little skank here, it's giving me a lot to be entertained by. :) 


Regardless, it's time for her to go. 

Sunday Breakfast

I woke up around nine to the smell of pancakes wafting through my half-inch thick, plywood door. I rolled around, stretched and decided nine hours of sleep did me good. I walked into the hallway to see the sun streaming over the mountains and through my window, perfectly illuminating the delicious breakfast Kyla and her boyfriend Erik had made. After Kenzi woke up we all sat down to a nice Sunday breakfast together. Afterward Kenzi entertained us with stories and drama while I did the dishes and Kyla cleaned up the kitchen.

It has been a lovely morning. I love my roommates. :)

What part of "BE HERE AT ELEVEN OR ELSE IT WON'T WORK" is hard to understand?!
I have put a lot of effort into this and he'll mess it up by being late. Ugh!

There are a lot of people in this life that look at their trials and difficulties, raise their head to the sky, and shout at the Lord for the troubles he has brought on them. They curse and rant and cry and shake their fists, "why?!"

There is something I need to say to these people.

Your Father in Heaven loves you. He loves you. So much. I have felt that love, seen it in fact. He is not spitefully putting you through these tribulations. Do not forget that you have agency. You have complete control over your actions. Although you are not altogether in control of your circumstances, you can take charge of how you handle them. There is no need to despise your God because he "let" something happen to you, you can instead turn away from that anger and find the lesson he wants you to learn from this trial. Trials and tribulations can come from, in my opinion, three sources. One, others' poor choices. Every action has a reaction; even the laws of physics support the ideology that every action has a consequence. If someone makes a regrettable decision, it may affect you. This is not your fault, God is not putting you through it, someone was being unfortunately stupid. This does not give you permission to hate them, rather an opportunity to practice forgiveness and patience. Two, from your own poor choices. You cannot treat your life in a bad way expecting it to be good back to you. There is a law in heaven, irrevocably decreed, that dictates consequences to every sin and good choice. When you break that law you can't expect not to have a punishment. It is a natural law. Three, your Father loves you so much that he wants you to grow into your potential, he wants to push you to become all you can become. Any good sports coach is going to push their players hard to get good. Every human has to go through the refiners fire to become better or break altogether. Every trial is simply pressure turning the coal of your soul into a diamond. Don't be upset with him for trying to help you improve and progress, as is the point of this life.
Don't feel angry.
Life gets hard sometimes, stay strong.

Friday, Friday, Friday!!!

Ideal Friday night back in Washington:
hanging out with friends until seven or eight and then coming home and settling down to a long night with Stadd, Kaila, and Mom watching movies and eating disgusting amounts of ice cream.
Ideal Friday night here in Provo:
doing homework and lazing around until five or six and then going out with Alex or friends and eating disgusting amounts of ice cream {if I'm lucky}.

As you can see, I like spending my Friday nights with people and food I love.

On this Friday I am not seeing anyone I love.

So I'm going to gorge myself on ice cream to make up for it. :)

I am determined to get tan arms, legs, and stomach this summer.
{My face can remain as pasty as it always is, I actually like it like that.}
I want golden brown, not pinky white!!!

Afraid of the unknown

That's never really made sense to me. Afraid of... the unknown? Like, what, the dark? I guess, yeah, people get afraid of that.. or, what, the future? I guess people get afraid of that, sometimes. Why's that scary though? What is it in the mists of the unknown that fills our hearts with an unexplainable fear?


Well, unfortunately, it makes sense to me now. I'm rather afraid of this unknown. I'm terribly excited for the future in general, let's be clear. I have so many opportunities and paths to choose from. I've got big plans and all the determination in the world. There are some of the minor, specific, ambiguous details scaring me though. I kind of wish I could have the road map to know just how these things all worked out.

a picture a day helps the memories stay

It started out normal.
We're cute.

We're still cute but a little abnormal.

He's kinda cute..
 but I wanted to see what he looked like with my color hair.

Alex with shaggy brown hair.

Alex and the hair monster.
We're not so cute any more...

Alex and Mackenzie Unplugged.

I just stalked my own home.
The satellite captured this picture this summer. :)

Pool and dead grass.

My stomach is freaking out right now. I feel like I'm gonna 'frow uhp.

Siiiigh

Today went rather well. Up until just a few minutes ago.
I went to bio and calc, caught up with a friend, was tutored in calc for an hour, went to geo, loved it, went to the paleontology museum, made dinner, did homework, made plans for the weekend, and THEN. I started working on a video edit. The program is unfamiliar but easy and the material tedious and time-consuming but manageable. Two hours in and the software shuts down, deleting all of my work. I had saved it the hour previous but majority of the changes had been made in that hour. Needless to say, I was extremely upset. On top of already being stressed over a final, essay, and various other assignments this kind of shut me down. I slowly put away my stuff, put on my pajamas and crawled in bed. At only 9:30.

I don't try to be the person that let's ONE THING ruin her day but when that much time and effort was put into something and it didn't work out... Who wouldn't be upset??

Tomorrow is going to be plenty busy, with no breaks and a lot to do. Doctors appointment as well. I'll keep you up to date on whether or not I'm dying.

Made this for dinner last night. Looked kinda iffy, tasted great!!!

http://cookingweekends.blogspot.com/2010/05/khao-pod-tod-thai-corn-patties-with.html

I rather like my height.

The truth hurts. Sometimes a lot.

Dear Nephi.

Your lament? 2 Nephi 4:17-35?
I feel ya, bro. I so feel ya.

-me.

Best birthday gift for me:
one encyclopedia a year for the next 26 years.

I. Would. Love. That.

You know you're a little homesick when you go on Google Maps just to "drive" around your hometown. I visited Esther Short Park, Lewisville, the mall, all my old homes, Jantzen Beach, the airport, downtown Couv, downtown Portland, and all the surrounding towns of my dear old hometown.

"It is a crime to deny yourself love! It should be the eleventh commandment!"

The problem with 1 1\2 hour naps at four is that I can't sleep at eleven.
frrrrick.

Chameleons are now my second favorite animal.
why?
THEIR HANDS ARE SO COOL!!! Like little, slow motion pincer claws. Freakin awesome.

I got me a new laptop. Thanks to my pops!

I'm afraid to post this because I don't want you to know all of my flaws..

Those suffering from perfectionism tend to be wonderful, contributing, and effective people, and yet may feel that no matter what they do, it is never enough.
-Cecil O Samuelson


Story of my life.


I used to be okay with my flaws and imperfections. My favorite scripture was Moroni 10:32 "Come unto Christ and be perfected in him." because I understood that even though I crave perfection it cannot come except through my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.


I've lost that understanding over the years though. I'm back at square one, fighting off the desire to fix every little thing to achieve perfection. It's terribly overwhelming. Every day I have to remember to smile, look people in the eye, do my homework in a timely manner, not judge, sit up straight, be happy, absorb information and ask questions, pray, look for little ways to do service, identify those in need and help them, read my scriptures, dress well, have faith, prioritize my time, make people feel loved, be nice, focus on being positive, etc, etc, etc. It's even more difficult now that I'm in a relationship. We have to compromise and for me that means remembering to not say this, not do this, not think this, be a better this, and try a little harder at this for him. Every time we fight I give in and say, "okay, I'll make that change." because it's always my fault. He used to change but now it's me. 


I'm battling on every front to become that perfect person I've envisioned for me. I know that I can do it, it is very possible for people to change and become who they want to be. But I can't do it alone. It's all-consuming. It's frightening. On my own I have feelings of self hatred and a fear of failure. I'm not good enough. I try so hard in every aspect of my life to mold myself to that perfect woman but it's impossible to do in just one day. Every day I find more flaws, something else to add to my list. Every day I feel instructed to do something differently, work on another trait or characteristic. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. If I focus on one thing on my list every twenty one days I still wouldn't be perfect by the time I die. And I am sick of people telling me this is unhealthy. "You shouldn't be a perfectionist, Mackenzie." Well, why don't I add that to my list of things to change too?? Or, better yet, when people counsel me on a specific thing, a goal already on my list, "Mackenzie, it's really unhealthy that you do this and think this way. You should stop that." Really. You think I don't know that?! You think I don't see my flaws every day when I look at myself and that specific one isn't glaring me in the face as well?! I appreciate your "constructive criticism" but I have enough on my plate! You don't even know me, how can you dare think to tell me what else I need to change?! I'm trying so hard! It's too much. 


I have come so far already. I am a million times the person I used to be. I was once mean and angry and judgmental and selfish and unhappy. I'm so much better, you see? But it is difficult to be proud of what I've done when I still have so much to do. I can't do this alone. I'm nowhere near perfect. I just want Him to take it from me. Take it all from me. Perfection is a life long process that I will never be able to complete on my own. I can only be perfected through Him that knows my struggle. 


So why am I having so much trouble trusting Him?

I miss my tan arms.

It is vital to remember that everyone handles situations and emotions differently. It does not make them wrong if they are different.

There are a lot of dreams in my head. A lot of things that I would really like to do or become. 


I want to travel, a study abroad being the ideal medium for that.
I want to get in shape. For health and for looks.
I want to eat better.
I want to learn how to dance.
I want to act again.
I want to become someone's inspiration.
I want to devote myself 100% to the Lord.
I want to find the charity in my soul.
I want to discover how to face my fears.
I want to become confident in everything that I am again.
I want to help people.


My soul is so afraid of making mistakes and not being perfect that it is crippling when I do and because I'm not. I'm so far from who I want to be.

I am so far, yet closer than I've ever been.

I am human. Humans can change. I am not a tree, I can change if I do not like where I am at. I am human. I can make my dreams come true. Me. I don't need anyone else. I can do this. My circumstances nor my past define me. It is never too late to become brand new.

saturday is a special day! it's not the day we get ready for sunday.

Since it's a three day weekend I decided to spend the weekend with my Dad and grandparents. {Hence the previous post about hearing Dad tell me that marriage is crap and I should never engage in that activity.}

Last night we just kinda hung out and today was going to be our fun day. He had asked me to go help wire Uncle Brian's house this morning at eight but I told him last night that would not be happening {one of the first times in my entire life that I have expressed my honest opinion to him about whether or not I actually wanted to do something. He seemed a little surprised.} because I was freaking exhausted. I slept in until nine. Oh, it felt so good.

After I got up I did some quick workouts, got ready for the day, and did homework until he came back home. Once home we went to "Zorro - the musical" at the Hale Center Theater. Normally anything with the attachment, "the musical", is a huge negative to me. It's probably going to be ultra gay. And at first it kind of was. But then it got really good! I was pleasantly surprised. One of my favorite movies, Zorro the Gay Blade, will be viewed soon because the this musical made me think of it. It also made me think about how much I miss theater. There are a couple reasons I miss it. One being that I truly loved it, I had a passion and talent for acting and it's hard to live without doing something you love so deeply. Sure, it was just an extensive hobby and I don't want to devote my life to it, but I cannot wait to pick it up again. Another reason, this one bad and selfish, is that I want to show my friends what I can do. Everybody's so cool and can do amazing things. I'm so boring. If they could see me act! They would think I'm amazing! I want my friends to be impressed by me. I want Alex to be impressed by me. I feel like he never is. I'm constantly impressed with him, he's always doing incredible things that just blow me away. But he's never been wowed by me. If he could see me act.. maybe he would be.

After the show we went shopping and I got some stuff and we ate some food and it was fine. By the time we got home, around five, I was tired again and needed a break from him. I locked myself in my room and laid down for an hour or two. Perfect recharge.

At seven we left again, going to see a movie. Since the movie didn't start until nine thirty we went and strolled through the stores at the District. We went into Petco and laughed our heads off. We seriously had so much fun in a pet store, haha, we're odd people. Just goes to show that even if I can't handle him some times we can have so much fun together. He may not have raised me but I am definitely his daughter; we have a little too much in common. I'll have to post the video of the mouse.. oh geez. :) We went to get ice cream and sat down at a table next to a bunch of teenage guys. These kids looked like a bunch of tools but were checking me out so dad and I laughed over that for a while. The movie, This Means War, was pretty good. Totally my style, funny and lots of action but also a little romance and a happy ending. Several inappropriate and terribly unnecessary scenes. Not one I would recommend seeing with any family members or significant others unless married. Overall though, I enjoyed it. I think.

Tomorrow I'm going to church with them at one. When I asked dad what time his ward met he froze up. "Uh..." Yeah, that's what I thought. He had a period of becoming active again but now he's out of it again. He's off and on, that one is. I'm always worried about him. It's stressful for me. We've always had an odd relationship, one that put me in a guardianship role. I have always felt the need to protect him and make sure he's okay. Messed up is what is. He's inactive again, awesome.

Do you see the chameleon?!?!

I WANT HIM.

apparently it's all just a joke

I adore my father. I really love him. He's my dad, how could I not? That being said I also really hate my father. He's not the worlds best person... hypocritical, lying, jackhole. All too often I find myself biting my tongue because I just want to scream at him. He gets under my skin so easily.

We were driving around town and he wouldn't stop talking about Nikki. Just wouldn't freaking shut up about her. I did my good daughter thing and listened sympathetically though I was totally going crazy. He said something about my mom, probably something dumb and I asked him when they did get divorced. 1996. I got really brave and asked, "whatever happened to you guys?"

Stupid question.

I got a bland answer, like usual, something super generic. "You know your mother and I, do you really think we'd work well?" Yeah, ain't that the truth, haha. And then, unfortunately, he launched into a twenty minute rant over how pointless and worthless marriage was. He kept saying, "I don't want to discourage you but.." and then something about how dating is as good as it gets. Once you get married the women stop being so nice and wearing makeup and cleaning and the men stop making an effort and bringing gifts and being good. The dating is the "fake time" where you fool each other into thinking you're way better than you are. And then once you're married the facade comes down and you see each other for the truly boring or annoying or lame or bad people you are. It reminded me of my mom once telling me that I needed to hide the bad parts of myself so I would fool a guy into marrying me and once I unleashed the true crazy he'd be stuck. She might have been kidding but still. Dad said marriage was like an alarm clock, a rude awakening to the rest of your crappy life. My grandmother, his mother, has always been this way with her husband. She told me just yesterday she thought she was in love when they were married but certainly wasn't then and isn't now. She said it's a companionship, that's it. Dad went on and on about how marriage is awful and just so terrible. I had better be old and have dated and been engaged forever before marrying some guy. He said it's not just a matter of going 50-50 in a relationship, you have to change everything. Marriage, according to my dear father, is hell.

I know he's crazy. And I always take his advice with a fistful of salt, a large fistful. He's an awful example. But it was seriously depressing to hear him talk like that. Is that really how love is in the end? Is that what we're doomed to? I texted Mom to tell her and she said, "please, for the love of all that is sacred, ignore him. there's a reason the song is called, 'follow the prophet.. not eric.'"

Let's be honest, marriage is not for another three years at the least for me. I have things to do and a lot of growing up to get over before I make a decision that incredibly massive. But it is on my mind... much to my chagrin. It's in my immediate future, kind of.

I'm just really disheartened about it all now.

This is something Stadd would have done..

I'd like someone to be blown away, completely impressed with me.
Yeah, that's a lot to ask. But it would be really nice!

I'm not a huge fan of secrecy. At all. And I get that temple things are sacred so secret but it's difficult to contain my CURIOSITY!!!! I just wanna know!!!!!!

It's coming

Do you ever feel like you're making every possible mistake in life?

Chuck Norris joke day in geology. Best. Day. Ever.

Thursday, February 16th 2012

My Tuesday/Thursday class schedule is a 9:30 class, a 1:00 class, and a 3:00 class. But this Thursday my morning history class was cancelled. I did not have to be at school until one in the afternoon! With that in mind I turned off my alarm Wednesday night and let myself sleep in. It was the only high point in a rather hectic and depressing couple of days. Unfortunately, I was awoken at eight to the sound of my roommate vigorously scrubbing the bathtub. Clearly curious I inquired as to why. Apparently there was a cleaning check that night at six that Kyla had kindly forgot to tell me about. Seriously...?!? So that ruined my morning and I spent it cleaning and getting ready.


Classes were fine, whatever. But by the time I got home I was miserable. I still had to finish cleaning and doing homework but I was just overwhelmed and exhausted and I needed a break badly. The cleaning check went off without a hitch and I settled in for a long night of homework and hopefully going to bed early. Kyla got home at like 7:30 and declared that we should get ice cream. Uh.. no. I brushed it off and went back to staring at walls and feeling generally done with the day. Around eight or eight fifteen Kenzi barged through the front door yelling, "roommate date!!!" Apparently last semester they would randomly go on roommate dates and get food together. I seriously was not in the mood. I tried every excuse. I'm busy. Too much homework. I don't have any money. And none of it worked. They knew that I needed a break and they were determined to get me out! So we went to Sonic. I actually had a really good time. :) My roommates are so weird and funny and we're all so different but I really do like them a lot. We just talked and laughed and enjoyed ice cream on a freezing February night. I got back at 8:45. 


Once we walked in Kyla went into our room and yelled, "Treu..??" So I went over to our room and ... balloons? There were at least twenty balloons piled high on my bed. Balloons!!! I started laughing and jumped up on there to get them off and to discover the cause of my balloon assault. As I threw them onto the ground I noticed that they all had notes inside of them! Little scraps of paper!

One side of the scraps of paper had sweet little compliments,

I love your smile

I love your laugh

I love your spirit

I love your determination

Sweet little things like that!!! And the flip side all had a letter on it. A, W, X, I, L, O, I, L, A, A, Y, etc. "It must be a puzzle!" I thought. Indeed I was correct. :) I decided to organize the letters into piles of the color the letters were. There were 6 different colors. Squealing and giggling I quickly deciphered the code.

"I will always love you -Alex"

That's about when the screaming started. The whole time I was popping balloons and cracking the code Kenzi was groaning and saying, "oh my gosh, this is so cheesy." {just like Mom would! It felt like home. ;) } Once it was all figured out she got up and left, rolling her eyes and making gagging sounds, hahhaa. I squealed and screamed like a little child while texting him to say "thank you so much! you are so sweet! oh my gosh! blah blah blah!" or whatever. You see, I thought that he had assigned Kyla to set the balloons up. After all, she had spent an awful lot of time in our room before we got ice cream. I thought he had just paid her to do this all, hahaha. But once I texted him he responded, "Congratulations! You have solved the riddle! You have earned a special prize! Come outside for it, I'm here! No, really, I'm at the bottom of your stairwell. Love you!" Hahhaha. As I ran outside squealing my bloody head off Kenzi goes, "well no one's asleep any more, nice job Mackenzie." Whatever, it was only nine, everybody would just have to get over it. ;) I bounded down the steps, giddy as a chipmunk with an acorn, and there was my dear, sweet Alex grinning almost as wide as I was. I elatedly jumped into his arms and spent the next three hours hugging him as tightly as possible.

I am a spoiled little girl. :)

I love that kind of crap! The stupid, adorable, thoughtful nonsense that silly people like me would do! It was so sweet! Even if you groan and roll your eyes you have to admit that it was very thoughtful. He put a lot of effort into that and I was genuinely, seriously surprised. He said later that it was what he had wanted to do for Valentine's day but didn't have time to put it together so it was a little late. But I liked it like that way because it felt less like, "I'm doing this for a holiday," and more like, "I'm doing this for no reason other than I love you and want you to know it." Ya know? So much cuter!!!

I have been beaming ever since last night. After such a weird and tiring day it was the best possible surprise to end my night on. I feel so happy still. He treats me so well and is so good to me. He thinks I'm beautiful and the most amazing girl to have ever walked this earth. He wants me to be happy and does everything in his power to make it so. He looks at me like he could never love anyone else. He's ridiculously incredible. :)

OHMYGOSH THE STORIES TO TELL.
there will be a lengthy post tomorrow on the events of the day. Holy freakin lots to say.

When I don't eat... I get nauseated.

Explain that one. Geez.

I take pride in being one of the rare pretty girls ever in the Talmage building. Math generally equals ugly nerds. I'm here to defy that stereotype. ;)

I love Tim McGraw

oh my gawwwsh

Living by faith.. :\

I think I just need to get this out here, get it off my chest. This might be kind of long, and definitely stupid to you, but it's comin' nonetheless.

I'm just kind of scared. Alex is leaving at the end of March. That is coming so soon. I don't want to say goodbye at all. I am so in love with him and living without him is going to be incredibly difficult. I know that I'll survive but I don't want to have to, I want to be able to keep him for myself. Because, at the point I'm at, that's exactly what I want, him forever. I don't really like the idea of marriage, not right now that is, but someday that'd be nice. Right now, I can see myself married to him. We're both too immature for that, and I want a returned missionary, but because he and I work so well, fit so perfectly, and are such a good match, I can't imagine finding anyone better than him to spend an eternity with. So, if I'm really convinced that he's "the one", the logical step is to just wait for him. Two years, see where things are, and make it official, seal the deal. But I won't wait for him. I'm not going to waste away two years of my short little life waiting for someone when I could be opening myself up to other possibilities and options that the Lord has in mind for me. That's what the real problem is here, the root of it all. I can't give this up to Him. I am having so much trouble saying, "alright, you know what's best anyway, so take it." It's so hard! I'm terrified that he'll say, "no, Alex isn't it, here's something else." Because even though I know that someone else would be the absolute perfect match, better than Alex, I don't want that right now. The idea of Alex or I with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach. I literally cringe thinking about that. Maybe that will go away with time once I get over him but right now I cannot let that happen. Which, I guess, leaves me the option of simply waiting until I'm over him and then giving it up to my Father, but that really does make things hard right now. What I want, is to know exactly right now whether or not I'm meant to be with Alex, whether or not we end up together. I want to see the road map. I want to know the plans the Lord has in store for me. Life doesn't work that way though. It requires so much more faith.  And so I'll take this day by day, enjoying all the time I have with him, dreading the day that he leaves. When he does leave I'll get on my knees and say, "Father, you know what I want. But I'm surrendering my will to yours."  If he's the guy for me then nothing else will work out, despite the fact that I'm open to other relationships yet not actively searching for a husband. If he's not the one I'm meant to spend the rest of my infinite life with then I will meet someone else that exceeds anything I've ever known. Sometimes I wonder how much is the Lord and how much is just us. There are no "soul mates", there are many, many people we are compatible with. Which leads me to believe that we could choose from this group of potential spouses and the Lord supports it. But how does that explain my patriarchal blessing? My future husband is talked about a lot, in fairly specific detail too. So that makes me feel like there is a "one" for me out there, rather than a few. Or, perhaps the Lord isn't restricting who I choose so much as saying, "I've seen who you choose, and this is what he's like." How do you know if you're supposed to marry him anyway? My mom knew she was going to marry Stadd when she saw Kaila. DeAnn knew she'd marry Benjamin when the Spirit told her at women's conference. People have all these different sorts of promptings or confirmations and other people have none at all, just going with it and making a happy life for themselves. It certainly does not matter to me right now. I am not getting married for a long, long time. But I'm concerned by that. How will I know? This university is getting under my skin, the marriage hype is affecting me. Along with my education it's the next step, ya know? Much as I dislike that. It'll be interesting seeing where this goes. Where my life goes. Ha. I wish I knew where my life was going. Patience is the key, I suppose.

~ Valentine's Day ~

"Singles Awareness Day"

Don't say that, it's stupid.

Well, this V Day I was not single. :) I certainly wasn't expecting much from Alex; we're poor, starving college students and I wasn't about to put pressure on him to do something romantic and ridiculous when all I really wanted was to just see him. I certainly got something, hahaha.

Monday night he was feeling really sick. He works the crappiest job with the crappiest hours on the planet so I was really worried for him. He couldn't get sick! He needed to feel better! I mentioned that if he wasn't feeling well he needn't worry about seeing me Tuesday, Valentine's Day. I said it would be fine if he came up Thursday or something when he was feeling better.

At three on Tuesday I got a text from him, freshly off work, he said that he was much too sick and couldn't come up. Initially I was really worried about him and told him it was fine, it was just another day, but then I remembered that I'm a selfish person and got sort of sad for me. I had really wanted to see him. The dear thing kept apologizing and apologizing. Around six I got a call from Whitney, his sister. She said, "Alex feels so so bad about not being able to come up tonight so he asked me to drop off the flowers and stuff he was going to bring you." I said that was fine and patiently waited, doing homework and trying to pass the time of my now empty evening. 

Around seven I got a knock at the door.

:) 

My sweet Alex stood there with flowers, not sick at all and grinning ear to ear mischievously. He tricked me, surprised me, and then made me dinner. 

It was such a nice surprise and I got to spend the rest of the evening with him. Although he did fall asleep on the couch at one point in time, we still had a great time, hahhaa.

And that was how I spent Valentine's Day with my man. :)

Wow. That was an amazing Valentine's Day. :)
First time I've ever really had someone for this holiday. It was a nice change. :)

I would literally kill this man. SO DEAD SO NOW.

Dear Amber,

I want you to know that you mean the world to me. I will always treasure the moments we spent together, and I know we will have many more of those moments in the future, considering that I'm marrying your sister Emily in two weeks! Yeah, isn't it crazy! We had wanted you to come to the wedding, but we decided we couldn't wait that long. We're getting married on May 6th in the DC Temple. I know you waited for me on my mission and I promised to wait for you, but I know God had something better in mind for both of us. But we're thinking that we might name our first daughter after you. That would be nice, wouldn't it? I hope we can still be really good friends, otherwise Emily would feel bad. Anyways, have a great day!

~Mike

Happy Valentine's Day! Here's a hug, world.
*hug*
:)

I be-eth a nuggler.

Mirror mirror on the wall.. who's the strangest of them all?

Little miss Avery at the zoo this weekend.
So freaking spot on.
Wackiest personality ever. She popped out that way. People who believe that babies are born a "clean slate" with no personality or characteristics need to meet Avery. She was definitely influenced by her sisters and brother, but heavens, that child is something unique all by herself.

Love you baby gwil!