I did something reckless.
Something I wouldn't normally do. Something a little on the crazy side.
Today wasn't terrible. I mean, it didn't start out terrible. It was perfectly fine. I woke up feeling unmotivated and with a strong urge to crawl back in bed but that's fairly usual for me. I trudged through my classes in a haze, feeling slightly overwhelmed but also getting a lot done. By the time I got home at four I collapsed on the couch, falling asleep only after grunting a "yeah" to my roommates question of "are you okay..?" I was exhausted and I'd hardly done anything really. But when I woke up from my nap I suddenly felt so depressed. It was bizarre. I sat staring out the window at the gray, dreary clouds raining on my pretty mountains and I felt sad. Well, a mixture of sad and drowsy and bored and hazy. It was weird. I "did homework" until seven when I decided that dinner was a must after only eating a salad all day.
Something easy yet filling... Hm. For me, looking at raw ingredients and figuring out what to make from them is like looking at a pallet of paint and seeing the masterpiece it will become. Uh, what? Well, I had eggs, mayo, and mustard, not to mention bread that was about to expire. Recipe for Kaila's egg salad sandwiches maybe? I tried it. I ruined the whole thing. It was unbelievable. I don't even know how I managed it. My lack of cooking skills is astounding. I followed her two simple directions like a pro but ended up with a disgusting, watery, oily paste. It doesn't even call for water!? I literally boiled an egg, mashed it up, added mayo and mustard. That was it. I ended up with what looked like the vomit of a yellow animal. That's kind of what sent me flying off the edge of sanity. I'm very sensitive about my cooking skills, and the lack thereof. Not being able to make myself a freaking sandwich crushed me and I gave up. I went into my room, closed the door, slid down the wall, and cried. Yes, I am a huge baby for crying over this, but it was a big deal and I was already sad so shut up. Just shut up, okay?!
At ten I left. I left my apartment with the intention of going to the Creamery to buy some cereal for tomorrow morning but got one whiff of fresh air and went nuts, the Creamery plans went out the window. I decided a walk would do me good. At ten at night. In the rain. Almost freezing temperatures. Off I went. One step out of the Wyview parking lot had me facing the mountains, and I could barely see the spire of the temple out yonder as well. I thought to myself, "going to the temple would be nice. I should do that soon." Then my sanity really went and I thought, "Why not just go now??"
Yes, Mackenzie why not just go to the temple right now? LET ME LIST THE REASONS.
Off I went. Occasionally I would giggle to myself because I'm not exactly the type to spontaneously decide to walk fifteen blocks uphill at night in the rain, not to mention in a sketchy part of town on a sketchy road. I love spontaneity but this was a little much even for me. On I went.
The texting conversation between Alex and I during this time period is almost comical. "I'm sorry about your bad day, I wish I could be there. :(" "I'm fine. Started walking." This is the part where his eyebrows must have shot up and he thought, "whaaaa...???" He responded, "where are you gonna walk?? be careful this late at night alright?" "Yeah, I'll be fine, it's Provo." "Um..Provo's not as safe as you'd think.." I read this text just as I walked past the scariest house in the world. That swayed my insanity-inspired confidence a bit but I continued onward as the semi-concerned texting conversation continued also.
Soon enough {30 minutes later} I reached the Provo temple. The cold had not yet set into my bones {as I had just walked up a hill} so I stood outside the temple for a good ten minutes perfectly comfortable. I stood there and I thought. I thought about how silly my day was. I thought about how ridiculous I had acted. I thought about how grateful I was that I didn't die or worse on the way there. I thought. I prayed a little, wordless feelings drifting heavenward that only my Father would understand. And I daydreamed too {not a moment goes by that I don't though, haha} about Alex driving up to the temple, concerned that something had happened to me, and pulling me up in a fierce hug, gently scolding me for being so foolish. And then we'd drive off into forever, staring into each others' eyes, writing sonnets and baking cookies, picking wildflowers and singing songs like the Von Trapp family... But I kept myself in reality and recognized that I would most definitely not only be walking home alone with no prince charming sweeping me off my feet, but I would not see him until Saturday.
I stood alternately staring over the horizon and at the temple until a runner came up. He had passed me earlier in the night and seemed friendly enough, not like he wanted to rape me or nothin'. This kind soul struck up a conversation with me. He's a returned missionary from Seattle majoring in information systems. Talking to him was actually really helpful, even if it was just meaningless small talk. I think I needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Prayer answered. We talked for quite some time before I headed home. The second I stepped foot out of the temple grounds, literally as I was passing through the gate, the sky lit up. I thought there was a helicopter with giant spotlights it was so bright. The clouds directly overhead and to the northwest of me exploded in thunder-less lightning. In all honesty, insanity and nuttiness of the night aside, I felt {more than heard} this in that moment: "I am here."
I'll let that sink in.
Soon afterward I got a text from my dear, sweet Alex. "where are you?" Oh, just walking through sketch Pro-of-vo at eleven pm, no bigs. Then, within five minutes, there he was, pulling up alongside me. The darling thing drove me the rest of the way home, gave me some food and sent me off. Perhaps you do not understand the gravity of the situation. He drove nearly half an hour to pick me up from the side of a scary road, make sure I was okay, make me feel better, and take me home safely. This boy has his own life, let me remind you. He dropped what he was doing, borrowed a car and came and saved me before getting home for curfew. That is crazy. That is love.
I still can't feel various parts of my limbs and my homework could use some doing, but tonight was something of a success. It was insane and reckless, I will admit. I made a new friend, got some fresh air, saw Alex in a true act of love and sweetness, dropped my worries, and felt the Lord gather me close.
I did something reckless today. :)
