I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits, my hair is all did-up cute, and my makeup is pretty good. It's one of the days that I probably should feel pretty, or at least content with my looks.
I feel hideous.
I'm not asking for compliments, or reassurance, this is just my blog and I'm expressing my feelings. And today my feelings are those of ugliness.
It's not my face though. It's, weird as this sounds.. my body. I could sit here and type out all of my flaws. I could go on and on. That would get really weird for you guys though, haha.
They say it's society's fault for making women like me think that I need to be taller, thinner, skinnier, bigger, whatever. They blame it on Disney for making their Princesses "perfect"ly shaped. They blame it on Barbie for having unrealistic dolls. They blame it on Photoshop for altering our views of reality. Maybe that's true. Maybe all of those things have contributed to the feelings of embarrassment I have for myself. Who knows. I mean, there are days that I feel great. I look in the mirror and think, "yeah. I look good, dang good." Those are rare days. Majority of my days I just feel fine. Then there are days like today where I don't want people to see me because I'm embarrassed of myself. Please, don't look at me. It's not my fault my bones were structured like this, that my genetic code dictates that I look this way, that I am not in control of certain things. There are things I can control but for the most part, this is how I'll always look. I'm not growing any more, my hips are set this way, my face is always going to be this shape, and these are just some of the things that I cannot change. I try to tell myself that since I can't control it I should accept it, move on. I've fought this fight before. I can be happy with myself for a time, months on end, but it always comes back. Yeah, I'll push this away, by tomorrow or next week I'll have successfully ignored it and become content with this body again. But, for now, I'm not. I don't know if this is something all women fight, just those of my generation, or just me. I don't know if this is just another thing I can chalk up to being crazy. I don't know if I'm the most self-conscious person alive. It doesn't matter though, because this is what I feel right now. Think what you will. Believe that I'm asking for attention or dwelling on stupid things too much, whatever. I just had to vent.
I need to feel comfortable in my own skin. Instead of being ashamed of it.
