Verily verily

From the Elders Quorum President.

Dear Amazing members of the BYU 122 Ward,
For those of you who may have noticed, it is winter time. Therefore I say unto my beloved brethren, that the days are much shorter and the air is much colder. Nevertheless and notwithstanding the diligent students of BYU continue their studies through the mists of darkness. Therefore, I beseech of you my beloved brethren that we make and oath and enter into a covenant, that from this day forward, no longer will the sisters have to travel by foot through the great mists of darkness that they may not become lost to us. Verily verily I say unto you my beloved brethren, rise up from the dust and become men, or in other words, post your name, phone number, and when you are available to help give rides or accompany these fine young ladies to wherever they may go. And now I say unto you my beloved brethren, that if you do this great shall be your reward in heaven (and possibly cookies in your belly).

I like this ward. :)

People are idiots.
Every single one of them.

So mad and disappointed I'm shaking. Which will soon turn to tears since that's what happens.

You don't actually have to look THAT UGLY when you sing. It's entirely possible to make less homely facial expressions. Don't confuse 'professional' with ugly.

Roller coaster of emotions today. Ending in blissfully happy. I love visiting teaching, Alex, and sleep. :)

A message from Morgan.

Texting with mah baby girl.

"Hi.

this is. Morgan. Sorry. About. The. Period s. I do not understand dads. Phone."

"Hahahha, hi Mickey! How are you baby girl?!"

"I am doing good. I think I got

the hang of

This period system."

"Haha looks like it! I'm proud of you for typing girlie! What's new in your life? School? Boys? Piano? Tell me everything baby. :)"

"Okay, I still have a crush on a

boy from first grade. today I got an 100peersent on a test."

"Ooh is he cute?! Good job on the test baby! What was it on?"

"Oh just math. Good night! Love you!"

And Mackenzie's sobbing.

Of course there is no going back, but only forward. Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now; doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future.
-Thomas S. Monson

Things I'm tired of seeing in pictures:

• duck lips. You're hideous when you do that. Stop.
• Bathrooms. You're in the high school bathroom taking a picture of yourself?? I have so many reasons that a bathroom is the tackiest place to take a facebook profile picture.
• Kissing. I don't want to see your disgusting face smashed up against his disgusting face! That's not pleasant! Very little about that is even attractive! 

Make it end, please. Stop the madness.

stranger daaaanger

While at the Sanders' home last night for a delicious Sunday dinner, Mr and Mrs Sanders overheard me discussing my week with Alex. I mentioned that I wouldn't be getting out of reviews until nine or later on Monday, Thursday, and Friday, having to walk alllll the way home in the cold. True to parent fashion they freaked out. Immediately a semi-joking, semi-dead serious lecture began. "Provo is not safe!" they proclaimed and demanded that I call someone for a ride home. I protested and said I would be fine. After severely scaring me though I said I would call someone for a ride home. They actually ended up scaring me so badly that I cancelled my study group today and will be finding rides Thursday and Friday. Even though I'm away from my own parents there are always people willing to step up and be surrogates. I can't escape! People care for me and my well-being everywhere I go! Agh!

Alex's response to the Reese's boy from my narrative, "I would have eat the Reese's in front of his face and then said, 'thanks. I'm her boyfriend.'" Hahahhaha. :)

Girl next to me in class just burst into tears. Absolutely exploded. I feel so bad and so awkward.

A narrative

I was dozing off in class and didn't realize the guy behind me was directing his question at me until he started gently poking my shoulder with his pencil, "Do you have a colored pencil I could borrow?" Turning around I saw my questioner, an average looking freshman of no special significance. He looked kinda urgent about that colored pencil though so I offered him my markers, "will these do?" He hastily nodded and grabbed one. Done with the odd exchange I went back into my half-asleep state. After class ended I turned around to retrieve my borrowed marker. Leaning forward he smiled and said "thank you," handing me a piece of paper, my marker, and a package of Reese's. I laughed, startled that he had given me such a gift simply for lending him a marker. "Is this for me?" He nodded and left. This is what the paper said:

I grinned broadly and blushed. That was very bold of him, something I admire. What a nice gift. :)

Oh BYU. :)

Oh Spencer.
It's time for you to get friend zoned.

I have reviews every night this week except tuesday and wednesday. On top of an exam and several quizzes. Ugh. This week will be utterly pleasant.

TMI perhaps?

Yes, absolutely TMI.

But must be said!

PMS. Premenstrual syndrome. 

The week before I start my period I am nuts. The mood swings are unbelievable. It's so rapid even the most skilled person couldn't keep up. I am an absolute pain. I just get super emotional and touchy. I don't know what I want but I sure want it. I get crazy. This week is also characterized by an undercurrent of deep self loathing. During this time frame everything I don't like about myself is blown way out of proportion and I sit hating myself. Right now, in fact, I am thinking about what a vile human being I am. Don't roll your eyes, don't judge, it's just what happens. Over the course of approximately one week I will go through every emotion on the spectrum and hate myself so forcefully it carries over into the next few weeks. Then the cycle starts over again. Something's wrong with me. It's called being a woman. I need to ship myself to a deserted island so I can stop annoying people and being pathetic. I should be shut away, forever. Dramatic, yes, semi-true, also yes.

AP classes are totally worth it for college regardless of credits. It prepares you so much more than average high school classes.
Do it, friends.

Eat fresh!

"I'm gonna be healthy today! I'll go to Subway for lunch!"
Yeah, that's been my thought process many a time in the past six months. 
But, ya know, they don't really tell you their nutrition facts. I'm sure somewhere they do but it doesn't really account for all the stuff I'd put on it or whatever.
Well I found this website: http://www.eddieoneverything.com/calculators/subway-sandwich-calorie-carb-nutrition-calculator.php
The six-inch Chicken Bacon Ranch I had a moment ago was 850 calories.
I'm not a calorie counter by any means. But I don't want to buy something thinking it's moderately healthy when it really isn't.
This is a disappointing day for Subway.

I am wildly content with life right now.

Yes, improvements could be made and nothing is perfect.

But I am happy.

Date night!
Last night Alex was so cute. :) Hahhaa, all of you devoted non-existent readers probably hate me for being cheesy over him. Well, shut up, I'll write what I want. Ha.
We had a date last night that Alex was really excited about. He wouldn't tell me what we were doing but I was just excited to get to hang out with him! Cutest date idea ever? We went to the Orem Library. We ran through the children's bookshelves acting like fools and picked out all our favorite picture books from our childhood. That little turd has a way better memory than me and had a ton of books. I decided to blame the library for not carrying any of the books I remember from my childhood and grabbed a couple random ones I vaguely remembered. Then we plopped down on one of the couches in an empty corner of the library and read them to each other, giggling and acting like idiots. We went to dinner and then watched some tv together and it was altogether, an extremely enjoyable evening. It was definitely a good end to a long day.
Today I'll be studying all day and will again get to see him tonight! He's like the prize I give myself for working hard all day. ;) The surprise at the bottom of the cereal box! hahhaha.

Geology test in a little while. Joy.

'ya know, I'm like the Johnny Lingo of your life.'
'Uh... What?!'

Four hours of geology is a little much even for someone considering majoring in it.

From Pinterest. A baby panda was clinging to a police officers leg after an earthquake hit China.

I just died.


Speaking of Pinterest, I saw a guy surfing Pinterest today in biology. I was sufficiently disturbed.

Busy busy busy day.

9:00 - biology

10:00 - calculus

11:00 - geology lab

12:00 - geology

2:00 - geology review

3:00 - calculus study group

4:00/5:00 - Date with Alex!

I like days like this. I like being busy busy as long as I'm ready for it. Days where I haven't done my homework that's due and I have no time to do it.. well those are no good. But I did all my homework last night and am ready to tackle the rest of the day like a boss. 2 1/2 hours down, 4 or 5 more before I get to relax and have fun with my man!

I did my hair cute today, got a fair amount of sleep, and made a friend in my calculus class. It is shaping up to be a good one.

This is just freaking awesome.

Insert crazy giggles here.

WATCH IT.

This is one of my all-time favorite songs done by my favorite little duo.

Well, we can dream..

Ever

My eyes start hurting so bad every time I read lately.

Awesome excuse not to do my homework, huh?

And the exams begin. Starting today and going through the rest of the semester I am taking, on average, at least an exam a week. Cruel and unusual punishment, I tell ya.

A much loved picture of my father and I.

I'm not sure I could tell you why but something about the way I did my hair today felt good. I thought it was cute and that felt nice :)

What my Daddy taught me.

Trig proofs are fun. Too bad we don't do them in calculus. :\

I know this girl who is going to school to major in flower arranging.

I think that is the gayest waste of money ever.

"Mackenzie, what do you want right now?"
"Taco Bell. Flowers. Boyfriend. That about sums it up."

HAHAHAHAHA

Baby gwwwwil!

Wow.
This is my mommy's blog.
Check out the latest post. That's my baby sister, Avery. I am so proud.

I am craving some good mexican food.

stalling...

I have extremely negative feelings towards stupid people who go around protesting what other people believe.

Get over yourself.


Also, I am so unbelievably tired. I had to wake up at six to write a stupid essay and didn't gt to bed until midnight or later last night. I kept dozing off in history. Really bad dozing too. I was legitimately dreaming while I "took notes". I looked at the notes after class and they are illegible nonsense, hahaha. I would take a nap but today is shaping up to be busy! I didn't even have time to eat and I don't get home until four. Ugh. I have homework that's due in three hours and I don't want to do it. It's pretty hard. Calculus is really comforting for me but is still crazy hard. Epsilon? Delta? Their relationship to the limit? I got nothing.
I thought my hair looked good this morning but it sure doesn't now! Same with my makeup. I'm too tired to care though. I'm supposed to see Alex tonight and bring my dad's car back to South Jordan. I don't know how I'm going to work that. What I would like to do is somehow drive up with Alex, go to dinner, and then drive back in his car. But that doesn't even make sense, hahaha. I'd have to go to dinner with Dad and Alex, that's not happening. Ever. And then Dad would have to drive Alex and I back to Provo. That would be awkward for everyone! Oh whatever, I'll figure it out. I sent in an application for the worst job in the world, kitchen cleaning at 5 am Mon-Fri. Even though I need the job and the money I'm secretly hoping it doesn't go through..
Oh my gosh, after my post this morning about Taco Bell I've been craving it. The guy sitting across from me has the most delicious looking burrito. Just make it to 4 Mackenzie! You've got this!
The snow falling was so gorgeous last night. I drove through downtown Provo and the snow slowly drifted past the streetlights and antique-y buildings, settling on the road and my car and the world. It was durn purty. Aaaaaaand now it's ugly and dirty and slushy. Hahahaha.

work work work work work

After sending in many job applications and never hearing back from any of them I got scared that maybe I was doing something wrong. Like my email didn't work or I misread where it said, "email resume to so-and-so." Yesterday I heard back from one of the ladies I send my application to. Finally! She said she already found someone. Sad. But I was still so glad that my emails were getting through. So I'm still sending them in. It's kind of exhausting actually. My resume sucks, it really does. I don't have experience, at all, but I have skills and am super willing to learn. I feel like if someone would just give me a chance, just one interview, I would get the job. 

Gimme a chance, man.

The FRIEND ZONE

This makes me feel like a horrible person. I have guy friends! I've friend zoned people! Do they still have feelings?! Am I being cruel by staying friends?!

Oh well, it's just how we women are. ;)

Food memories.

This is funny because it's true. It totally reminds me of late night Taco Bell runs when Stadd and I would get hungry. "Pause the movie! Does anyone want anything?" Kaila hates Taco Bell {so I hate her} and would just roll her eyes and say, "gross" or something. Silly girl. Also reminds me of basically my whole childhood, hahaha. Daddy and I would get Taco Bell every single weekend. Always the same thing too. We'd go to the one by  the mall, off SR-500. I remember the time he and I went to Jack and the Box, got two burgers and fries, stuffed them in my clothes and snuck into the movie theater. That was hysterical. Hahaha, the time that Stadd took all us kids to Goldies and we played the hand stacking game. Grant failed so horribly and it was so funny. None of us could stop laughing. Morgan went into her crazy laugh and Avery turned weird. Grant normally would get angry at something like that but he was fine, laughing with the rest of us. All the laughs we've had over the dinner table, all the times mom would make something gross and Kaila and I would give each other the look and gag, when Grant would grunt and push away his plate because he "didn't like it", all the temper tantrums he threw, haha, back when any of them were in a high chair, my pasta mashed potatoes..

Food memories.

Oh, oh, oh I hate pretty people. >:p

Babies

Extremism is so annoying. So I'm probably not going to exert my feminism and work after I have children or not have any at all. I will probably settle down, have kids, do the cooking and cleaning and whatnot. But I will not stand for the opposite view which says that my PLACE is in the kitchen or popping out kids or tending to my husbands every need. Oh H NO. It's gonna be give and take, buddy. Stadd is such a good example to me in this aspect. My mom gave up a thriving career to do what she believed was her role by divine nature and stay home and raise us kids. It has been hard for her, as I suspect it will be for me. Neither of us want to stay home all day, everyday for YEARS with just children for company. Stadd knows this and sees her suffering and trying her best and he helps. He might cook dinner one night instead, take the kids out one evening so she can have time to herself, once a month or so he will let her go out of town to her sisters house all weekend. He doesn't view her motherhood role as an obligation so much as the huge responsibility it is, treating her with respect for it and helping to lighten the load as much as possible. That. THAT is what I want.

Monday, my old friend, you have not improved in the slightest.

I hate today so far.

Tired

I don't want to get up. At all. I hate waking up! Can I just lay here for another twenty minutes? Ugh. Since it takes half an hour to get to school I have to be up way earlier than I feel is necessary. If I have a class at nine then I don't want to wake up until eight. I have to get up at seven. :(

I have little to no motivation for this day. The only thing I'm looking forward to is my calc study group and having my dads car.

I think tie-dye is ugly..

Relief Society. It's a funny thing.

Today our stake president came and gave us a lesson. What was it on, you ask?

Just take a wild, freaking guess.

Marriage.

My holy heavens. Prior to the last two weeks I would have groaned and rolled my eyes the entire time. It's one thing to talk about love or chastity or children but marriage itself is one lesson that I've never been a fan of. But even despite the weird marrying mood I've been in lately and being crazy for Alex, I still cringed a little when he announced this topic. Every one else "aww"-ed. Single women at BYU, sheesh. And so it began.

He started by saying that all love stories are miracles {uh, right, sir. whatever you say} and the Bible has the three greatest love stories in familial succession. Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. They all shared... true.. love. {cue dramatic staring into the distance} How beautiful. Then he said, "These are all incredible love stories but before we get to them I want to tell you my favorite. My own." 

Okay, okay, that was cute, gag-worthy, but cute, I'll give him that one, whatever. He amentioned that he goes to chick flicks with his wife because, "she likes chick flicks, I like her. I go to spend time with her." Ah, you must earn points with her all the time you clever man. Anywho, he told us the story of how he met his wife on a blind date, took her out ten times in two weeks, and then proposed. Sometimes I swear I hate Mormons and BYU Mormons just for this fact. Dude. That's disgusting. My gosh. Truly gag-worthy. Then he delved into the Bible stories and shut up about his own. 

The first was of Abraham and Sarah. The point he mentioned was that marriage is not easy, she waited years and YEARS for a child. She was over ninety when she got knocked up! He said, "that requires patience" and Kenzi and I looked at each other as if to say, "yeah, not that they didn't enjoy trying." And then I whispered, "wait.. they were old.." Oh sickening.

Second story, their son, Isaac. Isaac was just gonna marry some hot chick where he lived but his daddy was all, "no, you need a good member of the church." And when they looked for her, lo and behold, Rebekah pops up at a well. The point stake president-y made with this one was that you need to marry a member. Which means you need to date members, as you marry who you date and blah blah. I am Mackenzie Treu, and I approve of this statement. That may seem hypocritical as I dated Tysen, a non-member, but it was high school. High school relationships go nowhere. Marriage was not an option in the slightest so I had no qualms about being with him. The thing I really took out of their story was this, Genesis 24:67, 

"And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death."

He loved her! They were strangers at first but then they fell in love! For cute!!! It's also semi-worth mentioning that the wife helped comfort him when his mommy died. Wives should be there for their husbands. Apparently. Note taken.

Third story, my personal favorite, is that of Jacob and Rachel. He actually didn't talk about this one nearly at all but that's okay because I have plenty to say about it. Jacob's brother Esau married a Canaanite lady. *gaaaasp!!!* Isaac, Jacob's pop, warned him against doing the same and instructed him to find a worthy young lady {preferably hot too, because we all know that Isaac was quite the looker and wanted to preserve his fabulous genes with an attractive blood line, of course}. Again with the member of the church thing. So he goes to some extended family and meets... Rachel. Long story short he falls in love and has to work for her father for seven years before marrying her. Apparently he's seriously in love because seven years is A FREAKING LONG TIME. I thought two was bad. Seven is worse. And here's where it gets totes adorbs. Genesis 29:20, 

"And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her."

 I just teared up a little bit. MOST ROMANTIC LINE IN ALL OF THE SCRIPTURES GOSH DARN IT. He loved her so much that the seven years seemed like a few days. HE LOVED HER THAT MUCH!!!! Holy freakin precious I cannot get over that. Since I was thirteen and found that verse I have had it underlined with hearts all around it in my scriptures. Oh goodness it is too cute. I can't even express why that's so beautiful. It just is.

So, basically, my stake president talked about love and marriage and crap and I actually learned some valuable things from it. Have patience with love, marry a member, and marry some guy who loves you so much he would work and wait seven unbelievable freakin years for you, hopefully he doesn't have to though.

I may not be a huge fan of marriage, not yet at least, I am a huge fan of love. Huge. These love stories? As good as they come.

Driiiiive!!!

I got home from church at two and found that my laptop charger/adapter thing was still broken. I called my Daddy to ask what to do and he offered to just come on down and replace it. He came down, we sat and chatted for a while, and then I said, "Can I go back to Daybreak with you?" Spontaneity, kids. :) I went back down with him, we ate dinner with the grandparents, and then visited some other family living in the area. At nine I drove his car back down myself. So now I have his car until tomorrow night or Tuesday night, whatever I decide!

Winning.

My roommate is on the phone talking to her guy friends about sex.
Graphically.
I'm super horrified.

I'm in love!!!

Tonight, while on the greatest group date EVER, the ten of us watched a movie in Alex's basement. A few minutes into it the darling thing asked if I was comfortable. I was as cuddled up to him as I physically could have been so, frick yes I was comfortable! But.. My feet were freezing. I said "yeah, my feet are cold but I'm great!" So he grabs a blanket, wraps me up in it, and rubs my feet until they were warmed. While my description sounds pretty weird it was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me. That was top of the list for sweet things he did tonight. The list also included carrying me to the car through the ice and slush, bragging to his friends about me, kissing me in public (haha, not excessive PDA friends, just one little kiss), and being cute and playful all night long. It was one of the best dates I've had with him. I really cannot express how good to me he is. Complain all I want, he treats me like a princess. I'm head over heels for the silly thing. :)

I love Pink so much.

Friday night lights

Hung out with mah home boy tonight. :)
Made cookies

 Watched the Emperor's New Groove

Played Uno and Egyptian Rat Screw until 1:30 in the morn.

He, without fail, will put a smile on my face. Silly little kid. ;)
He is the BEST!

Geology!

Why my geology class is awesome.
Aside from the fact that Brother Skinner is LITERALLY THE BEST PROFESSOR ON CAMPUS {joke times during class, every slideshow is guaranteed to have several pictures of irrelevant dinosaurs, and he's the most often quoted professor on Overheard@BYU}, the subject is really amazing. It's not just the study of rocks folks, it's the stuff your wildest dreams are made of. If, that is, you dream about volcanoes and plate tectonics. Whatevs. Today, in our lesson about the different kinds of volcanic eruptions he took us outside and we did the famous Diet Coke-Mentos experiment.

A volcano.
The magma pushing through the lithosphere creates pressure.

If the magma has the right composition, temperature, and pressure it will explode!
Like Mount St. Helens. :)

Any professor that uses an excuse to do crap like this is awesome.
My geology class is awesome.

Considering majoring in geology..
Honestly!
I think it'd be cool. :)

Discomfort

I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits, my hair is all did-up cute, and my makeup is pretty good. It's one of the days that I probably should feel pretty, or at least content with my looks.
I feel hideous.
I'm not asking for compliments, or reassurance, this is just my blog and I'm expressing my feelings. And today my feelings are those of ugliness.
It's not my face though. It's, weird as this sounds.. my body. I could sit here and type out all of my flaws. I could go on and on. That would get really weird for you guys though, haha.
They say it's society's fault for making women like me think that I need to be taller, thinner, skinnier, bigger, whatever. They blame it on Disney for making their Princesses "perfect"ly shaped. They blame it on Barbie for having unrealistic dolls. They blame it on Photoshop for altering our views of reality. Maybe that's true. Maybe all of those things have contributed to the feelings of embarrassment I have for myself. Who knows. I mean, there are days that I feel great. I look in the mirror and think, "yeah. I look good, dang good." Those are rare days. Majority of my days I just feel fine. Then there are days like today where I don't want people to see me because I'm embarrassed of myself. Please, don't look at me. It's not my fault my bones were structured like this, that my genetic code dictates that I look this way, that I am not in control of certain things. There are things I can control but for the most part, this is how I'll always look. I'm not growing any more, my hips are set this way, my face is always going to be this shape, and these are just some of the things that I cannot change. I try to tell myself that since I can't control it I should accept it, move on. I've fought this fight before. I can be happy with myself for a time, months on end, but it always comes back. Yeah, I'll push this away, by tomorrow or next week I'll have successfully ignored it and become content with this body again. But, for now, I'm not. I don't know if this is something all women fight, just those of my generation, or just me. I don't know if this is just another thing I can chalk up to being crazy. I don't know if I'm the most self-conscious person alive. It doesn't matter though, because this is what I feel right now. Think what you will. Believe that I'm asking for attention or dwelling on stupid things too much, whatever. I just had to vent.


I need to feel comfortable in my own skin. Instead of being ashamed of it.

Blister on the bottom of my big toe. Pain in every step.

chick flicks

As you may have guessed from my previous two posts, Kyla and I watched Jane Eyre tonight.

I am someone who will openly say that I do not like chick flicks. Well, that's oversimplifying a complicated matter. I like chick flicks just fine. I'll watch them if they're available and I'm in the mood. For the most part though, I would rather watch an action/adventure/comedy, romance comes last. It just isn't my first choice.

This movie. This book, actually. Gets me every time.
Rochester may be a brooding, cynical, dark, handsome thing but he's so dang attractive. It's the overwhelming, sheer love he has for her! She's not pretty, she's not wealthy. He shouldn't have been attracted to her by the days standards! But he loved her so forcefully, so beautifully.
True chick flick crap right there. It's so good. ;)

It is mine. All mine.

Rochester: Jane, I want a wife. I want a wife, not a nursemaid to look after me. I want a wife to share my bed every night. All day if we wish. If I can't have that, I'd rather die. We're not the platonic sort, Jane. 

Jane Eyre: [Take his face in her hands as she faces him] Can you see me? 
[Rochester nods yes] Then hear this Edward. Your life is not yours to give up. It is mine. All mine. And I forbid it.

"You say 'farewell', if you like."

"Then I'll say.. don't go, Jane. Whatever will I do without you? Don't go."

Buscuits.

I just erupted in laughter. Erupted being the exact word to describe what that was.


My best friend Mitch {love the kid to death} has a blog. It's private, so don't go try and read it, but we've had some pretty good laughs over it. He's a funny kid and a funny writer. Anyyyywho, I just read his latest post. I just have to show you, captive audience, what he wrote. He talked about his day for three paragraphs and then said, 

"Next, I saw you (yes, I will refer to Mackenzie Treu as "you" because she, I mean you, are the only one who can, and probably ever will read my blog posts, haha.) in the Talmage building and studied for a bit. That was fun. Then I found out that I did not do my assignment for Philosophy class. That kinda sucked. After Philosophy, I went to the library and did some Book of Mormon reading for, like, 45 minutes while thinking that you never texted me back. Then I found you and I distracted you from reading your book so that we could go eat dinner because I was hungry. I ate a Freschetta pizza. It was okay. Then you went to your math review while I went back to my room and read for more classes."

I just had part of a blog post aimed directly at me. It caught me off guard and I thought it was hilarious.

So, Mitch, in case you are reading this, here's a little something for you.


Remember that one time that we went to dinner at the Cannon and then sat in the lobby for two hours, making a total of three and a half hours just talking and laughing together? Me too. :) You're the best, Mitch. I wish I could hang out with you more and we weren't so far away. If you text me the words "streak blue, baby panda", at any time, I will make you cookies and bring them to you. Honestly. Even if it's in the middle of the night. Well... that's debatable. I do have a line there, haha. Or I'll make you something else! Whatever you want! I'd do anything for you buddy. :) Love you to death! Have a great night. :)

>:)

Since I didn't have class until one I made myself pancakes and watched tv in my sweats for three hours. It was beautiful. :)

"You're like my own personal brand of caffeinated beverage."

CANNOT STOP LAUGHING

Holy Hannah Montana!

Shiz.

H No!

H Yes!

Mother FATHER.

Ohhhh mygosh.

When I Lost My Mind

I did something reckless.


Something I wouldn't normally do. Something a little on the crazy side.

Today wasn't terrible. I mean, it didn't start out terrible. It was perfectly fine. I woke up feeling unmotivated and with a strong urge to crawl back in bed but that's fairly usual for me. I trudged through my classes in a haze, feeling slightly overwhelmed but also getting a lot done. By the time I got home at four I collapsed on the couch, falling asleep only after grunting a "yeah" to my roommates question of "are you okay..?" I was exhausted and I'd hardly done anything really. But when I woke up from my nap I suddenly felt so depressed. It was bizarre. I sat staring out the window at the gray, dreary clouds raining on my pretty mountains and I felt sad. Well, a mixture of sad and drowsy and bored and hazy. It was weird. I "did homework" until seven when I decided that dinner was a must after only eating a salad all day. 


Something easy yet filling... Hm. For me, looking at raw ingredients and figuring out what to make from them is like looking at a pallet of paint and seeing the masterpiece it will become. Uh, what? Well, I had eggs, mayo, and mustard, not to mention bread that was about to expire. Recipe for Kaila's egg salad sandwiches maybe? I tried it. I ruined the whole thing. It was unbelievable. I don't even know how I managed it. My lack of cooking skills is astounding. I followed her two simple directions like a pro but ended up with a disgusting, watery, oily paste. It doesn't even call for water!? I literally boiled an egg, mashed it up, added mayo and mustard. That was it. I ended up with what looked like the vomit of a yellow animal. That's kind of what sent me flying off the edge of sanity. I'm very sensitive about my cooking skills, and the lack thereof. Not being able to make myself a freaking sandwich crushed me and I gave up. I went into my room, closed the door, slid down the wall, and cried. Yes, I am a huge baby for crying over this, but it was a big deal and I was already sad so shut up. Just shut up, okay?!


At ten I left. I left my apartment with the intention of going to the Creamery to buy some cereal for tomorrow morning but got one whiff of fresh air and went nuts, the Creamery plans went out the window. I decided a walk would do me good. At ten at night. In the rain. Almost freezing temperatures. Off I went. One step out of the Wyview parking lot had me facing the mountains, and I could barely see the spire of the temple out yonder as well. I thought to myself, "going to the temple would be nice. I should do that soon." Then my sanity really went and I thought, "Why not just go now??"


Yes, Mackenzie why not just go to the temple right now? LET ME LIST THE REASONS.


Off I went. Occasionally I would giggle to myself because I'm not exactly the type to spontaneously decide to walk fifteen blocks uphill at night in the rain, not to mention in a sketchy part of town on a sketchy road. I love spontaneity but this was a little much even for me. On I went.


The texting conversation between Alex and I during this time period is almost comical. "I'm sorry about your bad day, I wish I could be there. :("   "I'm fine. Started walking." This is the part where his eyebrows must have shot up and he thought, "whaaaa...???" He responded, "where are you gonna walk?? be careful this late at night alright?" "Yeah, I'll be fine, it's Provo." "Um..Provo's not as safe as you'd think.." I read this text just as I walked past the scariest house in the world. That swayed my insanity-inspired confidence a bit but I continued onward as the semi-concerned texting conversation continued also.


Soon enough {30 minutes later} I reached the Provo temple. The cold had not yet set into my bones {as I had just walked up a hill} so I stood outside the temple for a good ten minutes perfectly comfortable. I stood there and I thought. I thought about how silly my day was. I thought about how ridiculous I had acted. I thought about how grateful I was that I didn't die or worse on the way there. I thought. I prayed a little, wordless feelings drifting heavenward that only my Father would understand. And I daydreamed too {not a moment goes by that I don't though, haha} about Alex driving up to the temple, concerned that something had happened to me, and pulling me up in a fierce hug, gently scolding me for being so foolish. And then we'd drive off into forever, staring into each others' eyes, writing sonnets and baking cookies, picking wildflowers and singing songs like the Von Trapp family... But I kept myself in reality and recognized that I would most definitely not only be walking home alone with no prince charming sweeping me off my feet, but I would not see him until Saturday. 


I stood alternately staring over the horizon and at the temple until a runner came up. He had passed me earlier in the night and seemed friendly enough, not like he wanted to rape me or nothin'. This kind soul struck up a conversation with me. He's a returned missionary from Seattle majoring in information systems. Talking to him was actually really helpful, even if it was just meaningless small talk. I think I needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Prayer answered. We talked for quite some time before I headed home. The second I stepped foot out of the temple grounds, literally as I was passing through the gate, the sky lit up. I thought there was a helicopter with giant spotlights it was so bright. The clouds directly overhead and to the northwest of me exploded in thunder-less lightning. In all honesty, insanity and nuttiness of the night aside, I felt {more than heard} this in that moment: "I am here."


I'll let that sink in.


Soon afterward I got a text from my dear, sweet Alex. "where are you?" Oh, just walking through sketch Pro-of-vo at eleven pm, no bigs. Then, within five minutes, there he was, pulling up alongside me. The darling thing drove me the rest of the way home, gave me some food and sent me off. Perhaps you do not understand the gravity of the situation. He drove nearly half an hour to pick me up from the side of a scary road, make sure I was okay, make me feel better, and take me home safely. This boy has his own life, let me remind you. He dropped what he was doing, borrowed a car and came and saved me before getting home for curfew. That is crazy. That is love.


I still can't feel various parts of my limbs and my homework could use some doing, but tonight was something of a success. It was insane and reckless, I will admit. I made a new friend, got some fresh air, saw Alex in a true act of love and sweetness, dropped my worries, and felt the Lord gather me close.


I did something reckless today. :)

XFiles is my all time favorite show. No show can change that.

The curls are back :)

History tomorrow got cancelled. Don't have class until one. :) Ohhh yes.

Love me some math lab.

Studying calc with strangers for an hour feels so good. :)

My stomach did not appreciate my having two plates of broccoli, a bowl of ice cream and four glasses of water in a two hour perdiod last night. uuuuugh.

Sitting on my balcony in 20 degree weather in my pjs blowin bubbles and pondering the complexities of life.

A day in the life..

May I just say, Alex is so good to me.
I complain about the few bad things so people think he must be awful but in reality he's the best thing to happen to me.

Advice from mother dearest.

My Mommy said something really nice.
We were discussing my previous marriage post and she said, "yes. do it."

Um.

EXCUSE ME?!

She then explained, "You are the type that needs to be a part of a couple. You're very homey and you'll love being married whether it's next year or next decade."


Thank you Mommy. :) That makes me feel so much less crazy and needy. That makes me sound fairly normal actually!!! It's totally true, I love being in relationships {even as much as I'm scared of them} and being loved. Dang it she puts up a convincing argument..

We'll see. ;)

Something about doing calculus is so soothing to me.

Regardless of the fact that I'm no good at it and generally have little to no idea what is going on.

It's ten degrees outside. HOLY SWEAR WORD I HATE THIS WEATHER.

I don't like making unrealistic promises that I know can't be kept.

Something is wrong with me.

I was going through my cousin Brittany's blog, just browsing, casually laughing at pictures of her baby boy Elijah, and thinking about how weird it is that she's married and has a child when I swear just yesterday I was in the van with my other cousins dropping her off for her first semester at the Y...

When I see this picture:

Okay.
Normally Mackenzie wouldn't think anything but, "oh, that is so cute." And then maybe think about her dress choice or the setting or something like that. Because, as my family will attest to, I am not keen on the idea of marriage. Maybe someday in the way, way future but I don't even want to think about that. There are so many reasons why I have not planned my wedding, am not planning on planning it, or even planning on marriage. SO MANY REASONS.
But I must be broken, because
...
This picture is so freaking cute and now I just want to get married!!!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!! What is happening?!?!
Brittany looks so happy and Michael looks so in love and they're so adorable and I want that and WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

I cannot believe that I've been thinking about marriage. This is horribly wrong. This is not good. I'm going to end up doing something rash like falling in love and getting married.. *shudder*
I'm only eighteen. I'm a freshman. I am going to go on a mission. I am going to do a Study Abroad. Marriage is not really in my schedule as of yet. Not until after I'm twenty-three at least. So I cannot be thinking like this right now.

The freakin BYU marriage craze is rubbing off on me and 
I am not happy about it.

More love.

Despite the fact that Avery and Grant are grimace-smiling,
my family is frickin adorable.

Look how gorgeous my girls are. :)

Talking on the phone with my mommy for an hour results in a lot of laughs and tears because I miss that crazy family.

The gray area

Life is hard. Duh.


As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints {unrelated note: it's weird to me when people say Mormons aren't Christians or don't believe in Jesus. *ahem* Look at the name of our church and try to tell me again that I don't believe in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, see what happens.} I have some standards that I hold myself to that majority of the world does not. I don't drink, smoke, use tobacco, or even drink coffee or tea. I wear modest clothes that cover my shoulders, chest, stomach, and upper legs. I don't swear and do my best not to talk badly or gossip about people. I avoid rated R movies, pornography, and inappropriate movies, books, or music like the plague. I attend church every Sunday for three hours, read from the scriptures every day, and pray tons. These are things I do so I can be a better person and live a happier life. I can honestly testify that following the commandments of Christ has improved my life.


These things have always been very black and white for me. I have such an awfully mean conscience that if I cross any line that I've set out for myself I will not hear the end of it from inside my head. I just live in black and white. There are things in life though that don't come with a specific line. It doesn't have a fence with good and bad on either side. There are concepts and guidelines that are really fuzzy, really gray.

So what's the story, why am I writing about this?

Well, I was faced with this choice.


I love college and being eighteen and having fun friends and opportunities and freedom. I can do anything I want, so I want to do anything I want. On Friday my best friend Mitch invited me to go out with some friends. They were going to go up the mountain to another friends cabin to stay the night. The guys were going to make igloos outside and sleep in them while the girls slept in the cabin. Even though I didn't know anyone going except Mitch, I eagerly jumped on the opportunity to do something spontaneous and crazy-sounding. I really was looking forward to it. He said they would go up on Sunday and come back Monday, with no school and all that didn't seem like a problem. I told him to hold a seat for me and I would most definitely be there.


Then my stupid conscience kicked in and started nagging at me.

The little jerk.

Since Friday I have been trying to push it away because I didn't know what its problem was until this morning. It's a Sunday, you'd be going on a Sunday. I rolled my eyes when I realized why my head was bugging me, "really?! Just because it's Sunday you think I shouldn't go??" So I tried to justify it, because that's what we humans do when we know we're doing something wrong. First of all, it was with a bunch of Mormon kids. What, are they gonna go up and smoke weed and have sex all over the place? Second, it was the second half of Sunday, I could still go to church and everything! And, third, I've never done anything like this! It was going to be fun! Just one Sunday can't hurt.

This is a gray area.

The "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet says this:

Prepare during the week so that you can reserve Sunday for the many uplifting activities that are appropriate for the Sabbath day. Such activities include spending quiet time with your family, studying the gospel, fulfilling your Church callings and responsibilities, serving others, writing letters, writing in your journal, and doing family history work. Your behavior and dress on the Sabbath should show respect for the Lord and His holy day.Sunday is not a day for shopping, recreation, or athletic events. Do not seek entertainment or make purchases on this day. Let others know what your standards are so they can support you. When seeking a job, share with your potential employer your desire to attend your Sunday meetings and keep the Sabbath day holy. Whenever possible, choose a job that does not require you to work on Sundays.Observing the Sabbath will bring you closer to the Lord and to your family. It will give you an eternal perspective and spiritual strength.

Now that leaves a huge gray area for me and, judging by the huge discrepancies between the Sunday worship of all the members of the church, other people as well. What qualifies as "entertainment"? How do I "serve others" in this regard? Is it appropriate to "hang out" on Sunday?


When it comes to gray areas {most of them at least, haha, I'm an awful person. ;) } I just shy away from them and plant myself right on the good side, in clear view of what I've been taught. Why stray too close? If you put your hand that close to the fire you might get burned. So when I got here to school four months ago I laid down these rules for myself about the Sabbath day: I will go to church, I will stay in Sunday dress, I will read my scriptures and study church material, I will not do homework or watch tv, I will not "hang out", and will generally do things that invite the Spirit.


I held myself to these rules for quite some time, with slip-ups here and there. With this invitation, though, my rules flew out the window and I was completely ready to go.


When Mitch texted me this morning I had to make a split second decision.


Go have fun and wander into the gray area or stick with the standards I hold myself to?


It was uncomfortable having to text him saying "that's against the high rules I've set for myself" without sounding judgmental or like I disapproved of him making that decision. Because, let's be clear, these are my standards. I do not hold anyone to the same level as I do myself, perhaps with the exception of my family {they're good people and I know them so well that I expect the best from them. Maybe that's bad but I do.} so I don't think that way at all about what they're doing. This decision was very self-centered and I didn't think about their actions at all. Those are not their standards, they are doing nothing wrong for them. For me though.. well I wouldn't have been able to. I sincerely hope they have a good time and really wish that I could have gone, had it been a different day.

I think I'm glad I decided not to go. I am missing out on an opportunity to meet new people and have an absolute blast in the mountains but I am proving to the Lord that I will stay firmly where I stand, even when the gray area isn't technically bad.


Dear Gordon B. Hinckley said,

Some would have us believe that the area between good and evil is largely gray and that it is difficult to determine what is right and what is wrong. For any who so believe, I recommend this beautiful statement of Moroni found in the Book of Mormon: “For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for everything which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.” (Moro. 7:16.)

 I judged for myself and I think I'm doing the right thing for me, even if it doesn't seem a big deal to other people.

"Brethren and sisters, we have nothing to fear if we stay on the Lord’s side." -Gordon B. Hinckley 

Screw the gray area, I'm staying over on the Lord's side as far as I can.