I can't wait to be on stage again.

Every time I read my patriarchal blessing I get something different out of it. Such a blessing.

Agh, I desperately wish I wasn't so intensely sensitive to what people say. One ill-placed comment can ruin my whole day. I hate that.

Visiting Teaching

I love the idea of being a visiting teacher. I realllllyyy love that I will be responsible, in part, for taking care of some of the other women in my ward. I can't wait to start next week and plan on being there for them no matter what. I want to be the best visiting teacher ever!

But I hate the idea of being visit taught. Our visiting teachers, Becca and Melanie, came over today before church. Not comfortable for me. Jenna loved it. I did not. I think I didn't like it because they kept talking about themselves and weren't genuinely interested in our lives. Then they all started talking about gay rights and I was just like "okayyy.."

It was odd.

Thank heavens it's only once a month.

I miss that backyard. I knew Hockinson, knew my place and how things worked. Here is wonderful, but here is foreign. I'm still a little fish in this big pond.

What's in a name

I don't know why.. but I have always loved when people say my name.

And I don't mean "hey Mackenzie, wait up!"

I mean in conversation.

"what do you think of this Mackenzie?"

"I like your hair today, Mackenzie."

"Mackenzie, you had some really good thoughts on this."

"Someone like you, Mackenzie."

"Mackenzie you're so freaking amazing, where have you been all of my life?!"

But only if they pronounce it right. Because if they say

"Mackinzie"

I want to round-house kick them in the face.

Politely.

Say my name.

Nothing feels quite that being a fifth wheel. Taylor and his ex still talk constantly. I'm just a replacement. A rebound. And THAT hurts.

Agh

I am so PMS-y right now and I feel so bad about it.

I was hanging out with Alex and Mitch and Alex said something that normally woulda been irritating but chill but tonight I got so mad over it. And I played it off well, acting like I didn't mind and then finding the first excuse to leave..but dang. I was ticked off. And then I got home and Taylor had wanted to hang out with me so I text him and he's all "oh, I'm with so-and-so, maybe some other time." And it made me so depressed and angry. Like, you had wanted to hang out with me and now I'm not good enough. Hahaha, normally it'd be okay! Normally I'd be like "uh, okay, whatever" and find someone else to be with. But tonight with all these pre-period crappy emotions I feel awful. Angry and depressed and like a total loser. And Mitch would have stayed and hung out with me but I thought I was going to be hanging out with Taylor! AND Paul called while I was with Alex and I turned him down too! So now I have NO one to hang out with and I don't want to go to bed like a loser. Tanner's out of town. Jenna's partying. I'm mad at Alex. I told Paul no already. Taylor is with someone better. I am such a loser. But I think what bugs me the most is that I'm so upset over it when I really shouldn't be. I totally see how irrational I am being. That's how I've always been when I'm PMS-y, like I know exactly how much I'm over-reacting but I really can't help it. My head's going "oh my gosh, you're fine!" and my heart's going "nooo! my life is overrr!".

I'm just a crazy freak.

A crazy freak that no one wants to hang out with! :(

World of Dance.

1:30 am

Hoping you'll get that text you've waited for all day. As promised.

"hey, let's hang out."

And it probably won't come. It's 130 for heavens sake. It isn't coming. Come on, girl. What are you thinking? Just let it go and get some sleep.

But I like him a little too much and want to see him a little too badly.

I hate liking a guy more than he likes you. Feels awful.

The word "so" bothers me.

Oh My Holy Gosh

What is wrong with me?!?!

I have three guys that I am so into it's crazy!

Alex.

Paul.

Taylor.

In order of most adoration\infatuation.

Of course, they're all pretty close.

This is driving me nuts! It's so in my nature just to choose ONE and go after him until I have pounced and made him mine. Like a puma. Rawr. But I can't. I can't! I'm just a month in! I must refrain! But I feel like I 'm leading them on otherwise! Aghhhhhh!

Love is dumb. Relationships are dumber. Unfortunately we spend our whole lives chasing both.

I gotta act!

On the Hale Center Theater website right now forcing myself not to call and schedule an audition for A Christmas Carol.

Next year. Next year.

I MISS THEATER.

What I Learned In School Today :)

In Sparta if you weren't married by 45 then you were forced to annually walk naked through the marketplace singing of your disobedience to the law.

BYU

Only at the Y can you start a class off with a prayer and weave gospel doctrine through the lecture.

It's actually really cool. I like how it proves even more how intertwined knowledge and spirituality are. Secular and spiritual walking hand in hand. Super nifty.

Only at BYU.

Epiphany

The moment you know that you like someone a little too much:

You get absolutely, insanely jealous looking at their pictures on Facebook

because you wish that you could be in every one of them and kill off the ex-girlfriends in said pictures.

Crap.

Hearts

There's a picture of Kaila and I from maybe ten, eleven years ago, we're laughing about something, completely happy.

And the tears fall.

Lifelong service

Just got this email:

Hello all!!

I hope you have enjoyed your summer, whether you were here or off adventuring. I hope you are loving Fall semester and ready to learn! Here at the University Accessibility Center, we have a unique opportunity to serve those with disabilities. There is a student in your class that has a need of a volunteer note taker. What this entails is simple, we need you to give the student a copy of your notes through email, photo copies, or carbon paper. If you are interested, please let me know! It’s simple and easy to volunteer, and it helps the students with disabilities immensely. If you would like more information, feel free to email or call! Thanks again for your willingness to serve!

So I responded. Now I'm signed up to help out a young man in one of my classes. :)

Service is one of the best parts of my life.

Playaaa

Poor Jenna couldn't keep up with my stories.

So I drew her a picture of all my boys.

There's room to grow too!

Any questions or comments on them can be emailed or texted to me. ;)

He makes me so angry

So let me get this straight Dad.

You think that you can spend four years calling me once every two weeks or so to check up on my life while you live hundreds of miles away but now that we live in a rather close proximity you think that we'll suddenly be on the phone chatting like old buddies every day?

Not quite.

Those Days

I woke up late and almost missed my class. Which in turn threw off the rest of my darn day. So now I'm tired and stressed and grouchy. Thank heavens I don't have a date tonight so I can stay home and do homework. The pajamas will go on promptly after dinner and I will stay in my room until then. It's a lazy day from here on out. Go.

Decisions Decisions

Kissed Alex tonight.

I like him a little too much. Thank goodness he's going on a mission and doesn't want a girlfriend right now or I'd be panicking.

On an unrelated note, I love my roommate. :)

I Melt

On my going on a date tonight:

"Well that boy has struck gold."

Baby Kai

I love you babe.

I miss talking well into the night with you. I miss being an R with you. I miss laughing about stupid stuff with you. I miss watching tv shows with you. I miss driving and singing with you.

I miss you.

Best friends forever.

All eternity, actually.

Be good, sweetie. Remember who you are and be strong. Please, please be a good example. Not just to the kids though, your friends and everyone who comes in contact with your life. You're unlike any other. Show them that. Make sure you smile at everyone. Don't gossip, it can have terrible, awful effects. And for heavens sake, don't ever lie. You don't always need to be brutally honest or blunt just don't lie. Make sure you remember to pray and read your scriptures. If you have the opportunity, make friends with everyone. Everyone, you hear? Be nice. Take pictures. Write in your journal. Don't try to grow up too fast. Cherish every step in this journey of your life. Always try to be better but still be yourself. Love life. Text me every time you get the chance. I want to hear about your life.

I love you Baby Kai.

Go Team R. :)

Let that sink in

I made out with a twenty three year old.

I made out with a twenty three year old.

Holy crap.

My Dear Brother and Sisters

My Darlings

When you apologize, you better mean it.

If someone smiles at you, smile back.

Don’t be angry, it’s a waste of energy.

Hold the door open even if no one thanks you.

Always be nice, to everyone.

Value your friends as your family, because you’ll need them.

Laugh as often as you can, it heals.

Overcome the fear of vulnerability, true risks and joy lie therein.

Serve. Always, always serve.

Be a true disciple of Christ at all times, in all things, and in all places.

Realize pessimism but revel in optimism.

Go out of your way to care for someone everyday.

Don’t dream of the future too much, you’ll lose the present.

Take a break but work hard.

Tell the truth.

Exercise your creativity every once in a while.

Everything depends on your faith, so use it.

Do not quit.

Write down what makes you happy.

Trust the Lord like He’s all you have, because, really, He is.

Make memories; they’re all you take.

Listen to your parents, believe it or not they DO know what they’re talking about.

Don’t be offended; learn from criticism.

Be yourself, or be no one, but don’t be fake.

Jealousy is silly and worthless. Be confident in what you do have.

Walk tall and walk strong.

Realize your own potential and develop it.

Never give up hope in a better world.

Don’t regret what you can’t change.

Enjoy life; don’t just endure it.

People will respect you for a kind word. Kindness is the key.

You create happiness. You choose it.

Rules are there for a reason. Follow them.

Hold on. You think it’s the end, but it’s not.

Love your family. After all, you’re stuck with them.

Do not criticize or judge. You are better than that.

Watch your language, beautiful minds don’t use ugly words.

Think highly of everyone.

Stay committed. Make decisions and stick to them.

Gossip is contagious and dangerous, so rise above it.

Wait for love, it will come.

Seek the fun but appreciate the serious.

Have integrity. It’s unique and right.

Find beauty in the world.

Care for yourself and your spirit.

Do your homework.

Always smile.

Pray.

Remember who you are.

And remember,

that I love you.

Advice for the Girls

First of all. BYU makes you feel beautiful. No joke. I've never felt pretty my entire life and suddenly now I'm filled to the brim with newfound confidence in my looks and personality. Guys talk to me and flirt with me and seem genuinely interested in me! And the thing is that there's like 15,000 of them. I have options. Lots of options. High school boys are so dumb. They seem alright until you see this alternative. And then BAM.. it's a completely different world. And they're all gentlemen! So respectful!

Second. Your testimony is so much more important than you know. When you get out of high school you are on your own. This is it. Welcome to life, ladies. And for the first little while there is not much else to lean on except the Lord. It is so important to cultivate your beliefs before they're tested. I see so many kids here who don't have a testimony. They fake it because their parents want them too or they want to be cool or they want to be able to be at this school because it's cheap. That is stupid. You're cheating yourself and screwing yourself over eternally. Develop it now. It would have been so much harder for me to come to this super spiritual and new environment without a real testimony. So get it now. I have one. I found mine and strengthened it as early as I could. But not only has it been important for me for college, it was crazy important for me in high school. High school is comparable to H E double hockey sticks. Lots of hormonal idiots running around thinking they're adults. Awful. But gosh darn it, you had better do your best to enjoy it. Stay strong and blow them all away with who you are.

One of the biggest things that I've learned in my short time here at college is that you can't always be the best. Oh, man, do I know that now. Hockinson was good to me as far as success went. I was smarter than most, more talented than most, and more driven than most. I got just about everything I wanted after I worked hard for it. In comes the Y. Here at BYU everyone is an overachiever like I have always been. So, if everyone is, no one is. Everybody else is also smart and driven and talented. In fact, more driven and smart and talented than me! Suddenly I've become average. Which, if you know me, is not good on my personality. I crave being the best. So I was forced within my first couple of days to recognize that I can't always be the star of the show. I can't always know everyone. I can't always win. BUT. through this experience I've found something. And that is myself. I spent much of my life relying on success to define who I am. Now I'm a nothing, a nobody as far as success goes. I had to reach inside and find something else to define me. And I found me. I know myself so much better now than I ever had before. Guys, I'm cool! I didn't know that! I have qualities that I didn't even know I had! And I feel so confident, so stable in that knowledge. I'm unique. I'm special. I'm different. I'm happy, smart, funny, kind, giving, loving, independent, fun, and ... me. I am a strong young woman with great purpose and a burning testimony for the love of my Savior, Jesus Christ. He has helped me see that I am destined for more than I can comprehend. I was lost and now I am found. I am me.

Life is grand. Every day brings a new adventure or story to tell. Mostly about boys, but also about the journey that is life.

Love every step. It only comes once.

Black and White

I got the package mom sent with all my pictures and pinwheels. She spelled my name wrong. "Macckenzie Treu" smooooooth. ;)

So I sat and sorted through all the pics deciding which to put up and realized

I miss you guys a lot.

I am actually homesick.

All my love.

<3

Taylor just asked me on a date by rapping me a song. Hahaha. Too funny. :) And I said yes of course!

I like words.

Week Now

Tonight: "date" with Paul (if he ever shows up! that kid is always late.)

tomorrow: math review study session

Wednesday: date with Alex!

Thursday: open (for nowww... *mischievous grin*)

Friday: date with Trey!

Trey. He's a new one. And Taylor. I'll introduce them later. My new boys. Gotta love 'em. :)

You show up out of the blue.

"Do you hate me?"

Do I hate you?

You lied to me. Repeatedly. And you used me. And you acted like I was a worthless piece of crap when I probably needed you most. I was your little "one night stand" and then you dropped me. We've hardly spoken for a week. You act like I'm non-existent. You manipulated me. You cheated me. You are a player and you played me. I trusted you and you shoved that back in my face.

Do I hate you?

No. I forgive you. But I will never again be fooled into believing you or trusting you. I'm worth more than that.

I want to hate you.

Tired

Is it rude to walk out into the hallway and yell "shut. up." at the top of my lungs??

hallways at midnight are not for socializing.

I guess..

The thing is:

Everybody says they won't leave.

And they all do.

Dead on My Feet

I just hiked the Y.

The BYU Y.

The crazy big one.

I'm going to sleep for twelve hours straight now.

Jenna

My roommate is from Texas. Dallas I think.

She's adorable.

And such a guy magnet. Which is great for me!

We're both pretty easy going people with our own lives going on. We each keep our sides of the room clean, try not to wake the other up, and generally get along.

There's only one thing so far that I cannot stand. Whenever I come home I like to turn on the lights and open the blinds. I love letting the light in. I love to sit and stare at the shadows of the blinds on the floor. I want there to be as much light as possible. The sun is so wonderful and I want its rays everywhere!

The second she comes home she shuts the blinds and turns off all the lights but her desk lamp.

It probably shouldn't bug me so bad.

But it does.

It's not a big enough worry for me that I'm going to ask her to stop or confront her or anything. But holy goodness it bothers me. Luckily we're both really busy and hardly in the room at the same time.

Good thing that's the only complaint I have for her, right?? She's awesome. :)

In the Eye of the Beholder

The eyes have power.

So enhance them, first of all. No, I'm not saying "wear as much raccoon makeup as freaking possible", I'm saying that you should do all you can to make them look their best! If that means makeup, so be it. If it means the right haircut, okay. Whatever it is, do it.

But most importantly..look people in the eye. I've found that not only is that a great turn on for guys, it makes them think you're confident, and it draws attention to how pretty your eyes really are! I can't tell you how many compliments I've gotten on either my "stunning eyes" or my confidence in maintaining eye contact. So far several guys have mentioned that they lose track of thoughts and time when looking directly into my eyes,

"it's like you're looking into my soul and everything goes blank."

I love my newfound eyes. :)

My Boys

Time for introductions.

Welcome Paul.

Paul is a 23 year-old, English-accented, 6'6", returned missionary. I've been on two official dates with Paul but seen him far more than that. He's terribly handsome with the sweetest smile and most devilish eyes. He's an absolute blast to be around. He can appreciate the serious but loves to have fun and act like a kid. He's great to talk to and we have a lot in common. Despite the age difference getting along is so easy. He makes my knees weak and my blood pump. And he's a total toucher like me so we're always hugging or holding hands or touching in some way. I love it! The adrenaline rushes that boy gives me.. it's enough to drive me crazy. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't really hear me though. And there are times when I get so scared of him. He's so much older than me, probably looking for marriage, at the very least a relationship, neither of which I want for another couple of months or in the case of marriage, years! He likes me so much. Of course, I like him a lot too. A lot. Probably too much. It's definitely time to let go of him and find a new fling but I am so interested to see where this goes. He's so amazing.

Alex.

Oh, what do I say about Alex? :) He's my type. Almost completely. He's tall, 6', with something of a football player build. He's got a killer smile and the most addictive laugh I've ever heard. It's deep and genuine, super real. I smile just thinking about it! He's from Spanish Fork and he's a freshman as well. He's always cracking jokes, he's so witty. And such a sweetheart! One of those people that will listen to you complain about life for hours on end. He's caring and an absolute darling. He likes me a little too much as well, but I feel safer with him than Paul because he's leaving for a mission in February. I had a date with him last night and snuggled right up to him. I fit perfectly and it felt so nice! I adore this kid. I just want to spend hours in his company. I would be so happy being his friend but am way to attracted to him to be that alone. He's wonderful.

Tanner.

Tanner looks just like my Uncle Brian as a kid! It's so weird! But, dang, he's cute. Big green eyes with the cutest face. He's fairly tall, like 5'9" or 10", but kind of scrawny. Well, not scrawny, so much as thin. Good build though. He's handsome. Aside from the physical attraction I totally get him. We just get each other. He's so easy for me to talk to. So easy. And he gets my sense of humor! One of the few people that do! I love hanging out with him. We have physics together and I love sitting with him. Here's the catch. He has a girlfriend. They've been dating for almost a year, she gave him a promise ring, and is going to school in New Orleans. I will not be deterred though! I'm doing my best to convince him to break up with her, stealthily of course, super inconspicuous. Like "break up with your gf and have fun!", you know, that sort of stuff. I'm working on him. I wouldn't mind dating him.. I like him but not that much. He's got a lot of potential. I'll get him, eventually. ;)

I used to have four or five but the list is slowly dwindling. You know what that means!!! Time to flirt it up and meet more people. :) I can't get attached quite yet. Not quite yet.

Playin the field. Life is fun.

My life had no stability.

Life was an ocean and I floundered in it. I knew exactly where I was going. It was there in the distance. My future was there within reach if only I could swim out to it. Sinking. Swimming. Ever far from my goal.

And now. Life is an ocean that I have conquered. There is a boat beneath me that holds me safe and secure. There is no end goal, no destination that I cannot create or reach. All is in my grasp.

Life is mine. And I'm immersed in it.

I feel like I really know who I am now. And more than that like I'm comfortable with who that is. Confident. The emotional wreck that pervaded the rest of my being is gone. She's been replaced with a beautiful, confident, strong, happy young woman with all the love in the world to give.

Did you hear that? Beautiful. She feels, and is, beautiful. For the first time in her life.

All through high school I went on a handful of dates and seriously dated one guy. I always felt insecure, not good enough, judged. It seemed like guys (and girls) just looked at me and went "eh". And now... on Tuesday I went on two dates in one day, every day before that I had gone on at least one date, I've given out or taken numbers every single day, I flirt outrageously, get checked out allll the time, and guys are always looking at me and nudging their buddies to look at me too. Apparently I'm pretty.

Welcome to college.

"You have paralyzing eyes."

Oh, be still my heart.