Jordan

I did the best I could with Collin. He might disagree of course, but I really was the best girlfriend to him that I am capable of being. I have no regrets about the way I handled our relationship and treated him. When he broke up with me it was on the grounds that he wasn't ready and I wasn't the girl for him.
I can handle that.
That is a perfectly good, acceptable, though painful, reason to break up with somebody. I respect his decision and that is part of why I moved on so quickly. Because he's not at fault for that. Yeah, he was a tool about how he chose to end it but I can't blame him for the why.

I was a terrible girlfriend to Jordan. I was the girlfriend I always swore to myself I wouldn't be. It is humiliating looking back and seeing my actions. I am so disappointed in myself! He certainly wasn't the best boyfriend in the world and absolutely could have done better, but I was by far the worst between the two of us.
I can't handle that.
Gosh, it drives me insane! If I had tried my best, been a wonderful girlfriend, and it still didn't work out I would have been at peace. I wouldn't still be beating my head against a wall that I was such an idiot. It's doubtful that things would have worked out for the best in the end, I can see that now in hindsight. But I was so awful and he gave up so easily.
I don't want to go back. We're done with that relationship. It couldn't work. But I regret my actions more often than I would like to.

Rant:

I really miss him. Not like that. I miss my friend Jordan. We hardly talk any more unless I initiate it. And heavens knows we don't hang out like we used to {"used to" being before we dated - last fall}, or at all for that matter. He told me when we broke up I wouldn't lose him or the friends I had built up around him, a major fear I had about dating him. Yet, I feel like I've lost them all. That friend Jordan is gone. That Jordan only existed because he had feelings for me. It sucks thinking about all the great talks we had last fall and wishing we could still have them but knowing they only happened because of the way he felt. That makes me angry.
It's funny.. he talked about Steph being a terrible friend to him. She didn't really care but pretended to. She plagued him for the longest time - was his black horse following him that he couldn't let go.
He's my Steph now.
I really hate that.

Oh, Jordan, why did we have to go down this path at all? Look what we've done. :(