It's odd looking at someone and knowing exactly what you dislike about them and exactly why it could never work and remembering how it didn't work and still feeling, still, the pang of missing them {for so many different reasons and in so many ways} and of being heartbroken. It's strange looking at the handsome face you so adored and still adoring it with the bittersweetness of failed love. It's not pleasant still loving him but not being able to. Like my heart reaches for him but has no motivation to act on it because the outcome is already determined. Does that make sense? I love everything about him that I always have. But it's dulled. Like knowing we can't work has put the feelings in a corner and killed their desire to grow or see the potential for something. They're still there. Have been for months. But they've done what they could and no longer motivate me to try for anything more. I have the utmost respect for him. It won't be anything more.
When I'm not around him I can numb myself to the residual pain and memories that come creeping in otherwise. I can push him away so well by not letting myself feel. Being around him makes it better and worse. Better because I don't want to lose my friend. And better because he makes me happy. Worse because I walk away feeling sick to my stomach with unrequited love and pain from the loss. And worse because I already did lose my friend.
The past two weeks it's been a game of "we can still be friends". So I've looked for that friend everywhere. The friend I had back in late November and December. He was the absolute best, it's no wonder I fell for him. I have realized the saddest thing in the last week though. That friend doesn't exist. That friend I had only treated me the way he did because he had feelings for me. I'm sitting here waiting for the friend that liked me to come back. Instead I have to look at October to see what I should be expecting. That friend is not one I want back. That was not a happy friendship for me.
How did I let one stupid boy get in my head so much after just a short, miserable month? I was with Collin the same length of time, liked him a ton more, and got over him in a WEEK. Can someone tell me how Jordan got in my system this badly? And he'd probably be proud to hear that. Cocky about being the heartbreaker again. Because you know, allllll girls like him and he has to friendzone all of them. I remember him telling me that girls tell him all the time they can't be friends any more because they like him too much. I thought to myself, 'wow, arrogant much? good think you won't get the satisfaction of having me say that.' Of course, he won this one.
I'm trying to sleep and all that is going through my head is little snapshots of words I wish I could forget.
"Are you asking me on a date?"
"You are quite the little snuggle bug. It's okay, I like it."
"I like the song 'Feel Again'.. it's applicable to what you've done for me."
"You have the kind of voice that makes me melt."
"I think I need you more than I realize."
"It's only been two hours and I miss you already."
"Well, I am quite the underdog."
"We all have radars for someone. You know exactly where they are in a room without looking. You have one for me."
"Lovely girl, won't you stay?"
"You deserve someone who will love you and make you happy. I can't do that for you."
