small town feel

Where I grew up and now call home.
Hockinson, I love you!

sleeping on the floor of a closet tonight... And could not be happier about it because of where I am :)

Happy birthday to my favorite brother!
Even if I had other brothers he would still be my favorite. <3

Grandpa passed :(

Whoa

Oh Disney you are too smart

If I took only courses for my major and didn't do spring\summer I could graduate in august of 2016.
Instead I think I'll take fun stuff and do spring\summer. :)

In this flurry of same-sex marriage debating let me remind you that we are commanded to love one another regardless of how much we disagree with the action or choice. Seriously you can disagree with my choice not to have sex until marriage as much as you want. But don't you dare hate me for that decision.
Love the sinner, hate the sin.
And so, when you find out that maybe I don't support same-sex marriage, don't hate me and don't accuse me of hating those people.
That is nonsense.

"Sometimes I get tired of waking up on my own,
And sometimes I feel like I want to go home,
But the cars they keep on driving,
Down a road that doesn’t seem to end."
-Passenger

96%

on my geology midterm

I think I deserve ice cream :)

Missing that backyard and that summer.
Ready for a new summer and even more wild adventures.
I'm coming, Washington. Hold out for me a little longer :)

Because my heart is sad when I can't touch the people I love and care for

"You have the greatest hugs, I need to hug you more often."
"Yes, you do."

MORE HUGS.
gosh dang it I want more hugs. please :)

Saw this on the Internet and just about died:

"I’m excited for two decades from now.

I’m excited to reno an old farm house. To paint the walls white and laugh at the plaster in your hair. To rip up the floor boards and squeal at what we find underneath. To replace the shingles and ask ourselves one hundred times what on earth we got ourselves into.

To make it our own. 

I’m excited to see lines at the corners of your eyes that spread out towards your hair. I’m excited to see your hair change colour and length and cut. I want to wake up beside your smile, with two extra decades of happiness, triumph, and pain behind it.

I can’t wait to bring you home flowers because you stubbed your toe on the way to shower that morning. To sit in front of the fireplace with you on a late December night with comfortable silence between us that only decades can bring. To tie a tire swing in the tree out back during a lazy July afternoon and watch your head fall back, full of laughter.

I’m excited to slam the doors. To scream at each other from opposite ends of the painted hallways. To give it up to you because it’ll never ever ever be worth it to see you upset.
I’m excited for when we make up.

I’m excited to hear a baby crying. To hear little feet trotting down the hallway before jumping into our bed. For the late nights figuring out how we’re going to pay for groceries and back to school clothes and daycare and the mortgage.

I’m excited for two decades from now.
I know I’ve told you this countless times- but all this craziness is worth it, as long as you’re there waiting for me at the finish line."

Ballet was brutal today.

I am absolutely awful.

I try so hard though.

every day of my life lately

Curse that Irishman

Aw, I miss Corbin. I will probably love him with a little piece of my heart for the rest of forever.

Mackenzie's back in the dating game.
And by that I mean that I have begun flirting intentionally again.
Not that I'm actually dating. Hahaha, noooooo.
Seriously though, say no to dating.
SAY NO.
Speaking of which, I saw Collin today! It was such a lovely surprise! We just ran into each other on campus. He was in his work clothes still and looked dang good. He's a handsome dude! And a nice friend to have. :) Don't go breaking any hearts, Collin!
A guy from one of my geology classes sneakily asked me on a date. We were walking back to campus together from doing an assignment at the paleontology museum and he goes "it was so fun doing that with you! We'll have to do more fun stuff together. And next time dinner and other fun activities will be involved." Before I could even call him out on it he changed the subject and left minutes later. Mm, buddy, let me go ahead and clarify before you go on with this false hope: I am not interested in dating you or any one else. That's sweet though that you're interested!
I want to wear a sign around my neck that says:

Single, yes. Interested, probably not. If you want a legitimate chance with me you are going to have to work dang hard because not only do I not want a relationship but have pretty high standards for men at this point in time. {wow, that sounds really cynical..} Flirt away and watch me swiftly friend-zone you all, cute boys!

Because dating means heartache. The worst part of dating is when you get to know someone so well that you want to be apart of their life more than anything else. When you get to know their family and realize you want to be apart of it {that's the breaking point for me - when I know that I really feel something for them.. I loved Jordan's family so much}. When you find out the way they live and want to ease yourself into that life somehow.      And it ends. Dating always ends and you're left feeling like something has been stolen from your heart.
Anyway..
it's Kaila's birthday!!! Happy sweet sixteen baby girl! I can't believe you're so old. I'm seriously in shock about it. I woke up, realized it was her birthday, and got all choked up. What am I, her mother?! Sheesh, Kenz, calm your dang hormonal self down. I really was emotional about it, haha, she's my little sister and she's growing up so fast! I'm so proud of her. She's definitely her own soul and has made so many good choices. I love her very much despite the fact that we are polar opposites and sometimes hate each other.

Happy Birthday, Baby Kai-kai!

I love you :)

"I'm Not Who I Was"
Brandon Heath
SUCH A GOOD SONG
so good it deserved all caps

Whaaaat on earth? That is the third person in the last month to say I look like Rapunzel from Tangled because of my expressive face and big eyes.
Flattering but strange.

Sad: my gpa is too low to qualify for a scholarship and my parents make too much for me to qualify for financial aid.

:\

3, 2, 1!
3 guys from my ward I've turned down dates from, 2 new green and purple bruises on my legs, and 1 day until midterms are over.

C:

Whoa.

AAAAAAAAWWWWWHHHHHH THIS IS MAKING ME ALL GIRLY
geeeeez cah-yoot.

My heavens if my legs would extend that high..

Jordan

I did the best I could with Collin. He might disagree of course, but I really was the best girlfriend to him that I am capable of being. I have no regrets about the way I handled our relationship and treated him. When he broke up with me it was on the grounds that he wasn't ready and I wasn't the girl for him.
I can handle that.
That is a perfectly good, acceptable, though painful, reason to break up with somebody. I respect his decision and that is part of why I moved on so quickly. Because he's not at fault for that. Yeah, he was a tool about how he chose to end it but I can't blame him for the why.

I was a terrible girlfriend to Jordan. I was the girlfriend I always swore to myself I wouldn't be. It is humiliating looking back and seeing my actions. I am so disappointed in myself! He certainly wasn't the best boyfriend in the world and absolutely could have done better, but I was by far the worst between the two of us.
I can't handle that.
Gosh, it drives me insane! If I had tried my best, been a wonderful girlfriend, and it still didn't work out I would have been at peace. I wouldn't still be beating my head against a wall that I was such an idiot. It's doubtful that things would have worked out for the best in the end, I can see that now in hindsight. But I was so awful and he gave up so easily.
I don't want to go back. We're done with that relationship. It couldn't work. But I regret my actions more often than I would like to.

Rant:

I really miss him. Not like that. I miss my friend Jordan. We hardly talk any more unless I initiate it. And heavens knows we don't hang out like we used to {"used to" being before we dated - last fall}, or at all for that matter. He told me when we broke up I wouldn't lose him or the friends I had built up around him, a major fear I had about dating him. Yet, I feel like I've lost them all. That friend Jordan is gone. That Jordan only existed because he had feelings for me. It sucks thinking about all the great talks we had last fall and wishing we could still have them but knowing they only happened because of the way he felt. That makes me angry.
It's funny.. he talked about Steph being a terrible friend to him. She didn't really care but pretended to. She plagued him for the longest time - was his black horse following him that he couldn't let go.
He's my Steph now.
I really hate that.

Oh, Jordan, why did we have to go down this path at all? Look what we've done. :(

"We are not obedient because we are blind, 
we are obedient because we can see"

Boyd K Packer

I went on the most awesome geology field trip yesterday. It was amazing. I really do love my major.

I LOVE GEOLOGY

Taking copious color-coded notes, studying into the late hours of the night in the library, and setting up review sessions with my peers is how I have been frantically swallowing up as much geological knowledge I can for our impending exam.
This afternoon I went to a review session with my TA attended by about 3/4 of the class and I was the most vocal and most often correct student answering her questions. {SUPER AWESOME FEELING KNOWING YOU KNOW NEARLY ALL OF THE ANSWERS especially when no one else at the review did}

I got done with the review feeling on top of the world
and decided
on a whim
to take the test
right then.


Aced it :)

Oh my goodness it has been such a good day :)

What Utah winters have done to byu: anything over 40 is considered tshirt weather and 50 degrees means napping on the lawn and wearing flip flops.
CRAZINESS.

Holy crap it's Thursday. :D

Saw this picture on Facebook.
Do you know what this means? It's been a year. A year ago I didn't think I could make it through a year. A year ago I didn't think I'd be where I am now. A year ago I didn't know how things could ever change.
One year and six months ago I met a boy. We did not have the perfect relationship but I have never loved anyone so much. We dated for almost seven months. I sent him on his mission with the promise that I would not wait for him.
I didn't, I haven't, I'm not.
In the time since then I spent three months missing him beyond what I thought I could, three months getting over him, three months seeing what the world had to offer, and three months falling for two other boys.
This post has less to do with Alex and more to do with the fact that one year can change so much.
I thought I'd be on a study abroad right now. I figured I'd be closer to graduating. I thought I'd have a lot more friends than I do. And I thought I'd still be head over heels for this boy.
None of those plans are how it really is today.
Everything is different. Even I'm different!
Life never follows my plans and sometimes I don't know why I even bother making them. But that's okay. I like the way things have turned out for me. :)

Today we had a work party. Complete with catered dinner {free food? um yeah us college kids are gonna come} and door prizes for everyone. I wasn't terribly sure if I wanted to go but there was free food and prizes so it's not like I even questioned it, haha.

So glad I went because... *dun dun dun* 

I won the grand prize from the raffle!

An iPod Nano!!!

That I will promptly sell and pay rent with. :)

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE A HEADACHE

I think real friends reach out to you. It's a two-way street. Those people that I always have to initiate friendliness with aren't good friends in my book.

just how I like it

"you are harder than the wind to catch"
-Willem

Thinking about going for a hike in southern Utah-ish the first week of April.
Who's down?
Takers? Yes?
Yes..?
No..?

dream, pray, repeat

This past weekend I found out that avocados are amazing.
About three weeks ago I found out that guacamole is spectacular and now I've discovered {with the help of Jenny and the Hatch's} that the patron saint of guacamole, the avocado, is even better! And healthy! Woot woot! I'm in love!
And they're really expensive. But I will make it work. Gotta get me some avocados.

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

When we're miles away

So we'll come

We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Anyone else think Audrey Hepburn and I were maybe possibly
soul sisters in another life?

Why do apartment complexes list microwaves as amenities..?
Isn't that just a given seeing as it's the 21st century.......

"Sleeping Sickness"
City & Colour

:(
The sad moment when you dig through your bag for something and find two separate scraps of paper and three pictures you didn't even remember were there.

One note with a list of things to do with Collin when Christmas break ends.

And the second with a list of ideas for a post-Valentine's day date with Jordan.

The pictures were one of Collin at Sammy's and two of Jordan and I making pizza.

*sigh* As if studying alone at 9:00 on a Saturday weren't bad enough now I'm remembering the dual heartbreaks all over again. I'm lonely dang it!
Ice cream and chick flicks with Julie it is.

HAHAHA true dat!

I spent yesterday and today at Jenny's house in Spanish Fork.

That was a very good decision and I am so grateful it worked out despite all of the problems that came along.

Nothing feels better than 9 hours of sleep, home cooked meals, grocery shopping as a family, and relaxing in a real house.

I felt so comfortable there! And so rejuvenated after an awful week.

Well this made me cry.

I can't wait to have a family.

Actually, I can wait since I'm a little terrified still.. but how beautiful does this look?

Goodness I love this gospel.

I have a big ole sympathetic heart. And one of the things that kills me the most is when I see someone I love dearly hurting and not being able to help. I hate looking at someone important to me, seeing their stress and pain, and having no way of helping. 
Or sometimes I can't help because it's not my place any more. That one is hurting most of all today. You know what I mean? When you have a loved one in your life that you can't help because they won't let you but you would do anything for them?
Yeah.
Well.
Ambiguous as that is, it's how I feel.

Last year it was that all of my guy friends left on missions, now all of my girlfriends are! Oh my heavens! So proud of and happy for them all, so sad for me. Go forth and serve you wonderful missionaries you!

Received a blessing from a dear friend tonight.
I expect so much from myself and it crushes me when I don't succeed. And I've been pushing myself over the edge to succeed. I've been pushing myself too hard in general.

- Remember the big picture. This is a blip in the eternal perspective.
- Do your best but don't expect perfection. You are not capable of perfection no matter how hard you try.
- Even if you don't come in first, or second, or place at all, you can finish the race. Finishing is important, nothing else.
- The Priesthood is the power of God restored to men on the earth and I am immensely grateful for it. I have trouble asking for help sometimes and I am grateful that there are those who can come when I do call and are capable of giving me help from a power beyond my own. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father's love. I am so grateful for the love of my friends.

It's definitely okay if a nice boy wants to hold me right now. Just a little snuggling for a lonely heart having a hard day.
Actually.
It's okay if a nice boy wants to hold me after the chem test I'm about to fail. Call me in a couple hours and we'll make me feel all better okay?

When things are hard.. And the present moment is too much to bear..
Think about Mosiah 4:11 and "[stand] steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come,"
There are better things ahead. Better days to come. Stand in your faith.

I like asking the question, "what if?"

Not the dumb "what if"s. Not the ones that ruin relationships and emotional stability and confidence in life. Not "what if he doesn't like me?", or "what if I die tomorrow?", maybe sometimes "what if I fail this test?"
I don't like asking those.

I like asking the

open-ended,

soul-searching,

dream-catching

questions.

What if I had all the money I wanted?
Where would I go? What would I see? What kinds of food would I buy and make? Who would I help? Whose lives would I change? What good could I do?
What if I had all the time in the world?
What would I learn? What talents would I develop and improve upon? What would I do with my time? How much service could I provide? How many paintings would I paint, poems would I read, and philosophizing would I do?

What if ... ?

And after I figure out the answers to my "what if"s.. I want to make them happen.

There are days I love nothing more than staying at home and feeling at peace with life. We all need alone days every once in a while.

Our Heavenly Father did not put us on earth to fail but to succeed gloriously.

(How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Life - Richard G. Scott)

Oh J-Dawgs how I love thee.

Things I Like and/or Love

• guacomole-turkey-swiss cheese-bacon panini's. I didn't know I liked these until I accidentally had one and fell in love.
• the sound of rain! always.
• snuggliiiiing.. now accepting applications for a new snuggle buddy. Emotional commitment not required. Wow, that sounds so awful..
• geology. the mountains right in front of me are constant reminders of this absurd love I have for the geological sciences!
• ice cream. end of story.
• surprises. I spend a lot of time coming up with surprises for other people in my head. If I were to be surprised in a similar manner I might just die.
• you. If you're reading this and we actually know each other {internet friends not included} then you have been hand-selected to view this blog based on the fact that I love you!

I GOT A 93% ON MY ROCK 

IDENTIFICATION MIDTERM

You have no idea how huge this is to me! This is massive! AHHH!

I am so freakin' ecstatic right now.

AHA I studied with Jordan today for about 40 minutes {on accident} and it was fine! Fine! Didn't feel anything! MUAHAHA! Except the same love of his eyes... Agh

I'm a sucker for blue-green eyes.

This has long been my favorite poem and will long continue to be.
So much in this.

I love Sundays with all of my heart.
Except that they're followed by Mondays. That kind of puts a damper on the awesomeness of Sundays. And Fast Sundays are kind of really hard.. but also really worth it!

Explosions in the Sky {good band by the way}

It's odd looking at someone and knowing exactly what you dislike about them and exactly why it could never work and remembering how it didn't work and still feeling, still, the pang of missing them {for so many different reasons and in so many ways} and of being heartbroken. It's strange looking at the handsome face you so adored and still adoring it with the bittersweetness of failed love. It's not pleasant still loving him but not being able to. Like my heart reaches for him but has no motivation to act on it because the outcome is already determined. Does that make sense? I love everything about him that I always have. But it's dulled. Like knowing we can't work has put the feelings in a corner and killed their desire to grow or see the potential for something. They're still there. Have been for months. But they've done what they could and no longer motivate me to try for anything more. I have the utmost respect for him. It won't be anything more.

When I'm not around him I can numb myself to the residual pain and memories that come creeping in otherwise. I can push him away so well by not letting myself feel. Being around him makes it better and worse. Better because I don't want to lose my friend. And better because he makes me happy. Worse because I walk away feeling sick to my stomach with unrequited love and pain from the loss. And worse because I already did lose my friend.
The past two weeks it's been a game of "we can still be friends". So I've looked for that friend everywhere. The friend I had back in late November and December. He was the absolute best, it's no wonder I fell for him. I have realized the saddest thing in the last week though. That friend doesn't exist. That friend I had only treated me the way he did because he had feelings for me. I'm sitting here waiting for the friend that liked me to come back. Instead I have to look at October to see what I should be expecting. That friend is not one I want back. That was not a happy friendship for me.

How did I let one stupid boy get in my head so much after just a short, miserable month? I was with Collin the same length of time, liked him a ton more, and got over him in a WEEK. Can someone tell me how Jordan got in my system this badly? And he'd probably be proud to hear that. Cocky about being the heartbreaker again. Because you know, allllll girls like him and he has to friendzone all of them. I remember him telling me that girls tell him all the time they can't be friends any more because they like him too much. I thought to myself, 'wow, arrogant much? good think you won't get the satisfaction of having me say that.' Of course, he won this one.



I'm trying to sleep and all that is going through my head is little snapshots of words I wish I could forget.

"Are you asking me on a date?"
"You are quite the little snuggle bug. It's okay, I like it."
"I like the song 'Feel Again'.. it's applicable to what you've done for me."
"You have the kind of voice that makes me melt."
"I think I need you more than I realize."
"It's only been two hours and I miss you already."
"Well, I am quite the underdog."
"We all have radars for someone. You know exactly where they are in a room without looking. You have one for me."
"Lovely girl, won't you stay?"

"You deserve someone who will love you and make you happy. I can't do that for you."

Ballet Makes Me:
push myself
happy - oh the endorphin releasing-ness of dance!
sore
look at pictures like this and notice random little details.. and cringe a lot because that would be painful

My stake president told us at stake conference that we've been single for thousands of years.

I don't know what he was trying to accomplish by mentioning this fact. I'm pretty sure we were all just horrified and have felt justified in our loneliness since.

Dude, if I've been single for that long then it is no surprise I want to be with someone so bad! I'm not boy crazy, I'm old!

You will never guess who randomly showed up at my place tonight before work.
Collin Smith.
Yes, you heard right folks, the boy who dumped me hard and left me bitter two months ago showed up!
And know what..
it was awesome :)
We talked and caught up and laughed and had such a nice time. He's my friend. I had no feelings for him at all. It was splendid. It didn't even feel terribly awkward. Every once in a while but for the most part is was normal and good and friendly.
I am so glad he came back. :)