Bucket List

Found the cutest website!!

perfectbucketlist.tumblr.com

soooo adorable :)

Productivity!

Seriously one of the most productive days of my life.

This morning I awoke feeling very stressed. But you know what that means! Productivity! I went to math and learned some stuffs. Then I studied for, like, twenty minutes, before rushing off to the testing center to take my math exam! Freakin math exam. Twenty questions. And exactly five of them were on a subject that we learned about in class on the only day that I accidentally slept in. So I had no idea what to do for those. And that's a quarter of the questions! A quarter! So I took a 75%, pouted and beat myself up for an hour, and then moved on with a renewed vigor to kick my classes butts. I went to physics with Tanner and then studied physics like crazy before doing homework with him at four. That took like half an hour so at 430 I headed on up to the library! Two hours of studying in the library and I got hungry. So I went to the Wilk and ate while doing homework for two more hours. Came home around nine, watched some tv, and am now going to go to bed happy in the knowledge that I got a ton done today. :) Hecks yes.

Ice Cream

My new rewards system:

Girl, you did so great on your midterm that you thought you were gonna fail (84%!), have some ice cream. :)

Girl, you did all of your homework today! Have some ice cream.

Girl, you did some homework today, have some more ice cream.

Girl, you didn't fall asleep in any classes today, get yourself some ice cream.

Girl, you're still alive, you deserve ice cream. :)

It's very effective.

I just made my day.
The lawn people had raked all the leaves into piles and left them. So I sneakily ran over and jumped in them {without making a mess}.
:)

I am confident in who I am and what I believe. Just not where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I love grass.

The red is starting to fade from the mountain. It's turning back to it's gray-brown. Next: white.

Get me on that stage again

Theater is a huge deal to me. I absolutely love the stage. It's pretty much my biggest talent and passion. I've been acting since I was ten, at the persuasion of my all-knowing mother. I've been in eleven total plays/musicals, starring in seven. I even directed a play last year. Drama is something I love, love, love, even as I hate it. It's so perfect for my emotional little personality. I crave it. In high school I was known for being the drama geek. Thankfully, I've always been aware that pursuing theater as a career is not the path I was meant to take, or even a wise one to attempt taking. Some people have said to me "follow your dreams! if that's what you want for your life then do it!" Okay. Well. I love drama. And I would love the opportunity to be on stage as a career (in moderation, maybe two plays/musicals a year). But you need to follow your heart and also be realistic. I'm no idiot. Trying to make it on Broadway is one of the most competitive pursuits out there. It's an awful business, keeps terrible hours, and would emotionally disable me. But mostly, it's just not profitable! I could get a degree in theater but, really, how much is that going to get me? I'll be in community theater for the rest of my life. It's not worth the money I'm paying to get an education. Theater is like a passionate hobby. It can't be a career for everybody, especially not for me. So I'm going to major in something really awesome. Something useful and profitable. I don't know what that will be yet, I'm still very much an undecided freshman, but it will not be theater. Or art. Or music. Or history. Or something equally virtually useless. That being said.. I still want to do theater. I want to do it on the side, as a seriously involved hobby, while I'm in school. But welcome to the real world, where the theater program is so intensely difficult to get into that you have to not only be better than the other 30,000 students, but have to be majoring in some form of theater arts. This is crap. Seriously??! If I want to be in a stinking play I have to getting a degree in theater? It's a play. It's entertainment. Besides, I have talent, you want me! I'm not going to throw away my education for one play! I may be dedicated but I'm not that dedicated. Or stupid. It's so frustrating to me. I want to act again so badly. But I can't because this school is so competitive! There's always the option of community theaters around here, but that's not nearly the same in anyway. I want to act here at my school. Is that too much to ask?

That it's 2 in the morning and I'm about to go hop in the shower is bothering me..

Kind of gross

I was looking at my schedule and happened to see this:

Oct 26 Wednesday - D&C midterm

Oct 27 Thursday - math exam

Oct 28 Friday - physics exam

Even though this makes me cringe with the impending stress and fear.. it also kind of..

gets me excited.

Like.. bring it.

I love busy days. I love stress. Here we go. :)

Welcome to taking life one day at a time.

*deep breath*

Texting my mommy and daddy at the same time. Polar opposites. But I love them. :)

It's 130 in the morning and you're singing so loud in the shower that someone across the hall can hear you and is woken up by it?? Really?! You're in a DORM.

Tips for my ladies (college advice)

#1 Go to BYU. Don't even think twice about it. I did. Ohhh boy did I. I was so against being the typical Mormon girl who goes to the Y as one of the thousands and getting her M.R.S. I am such an independent person that needs to feel unique or be original (I like to stand out, what can I say? haha). And BYU was not that. Besides, it seemed so big! And I came from a small town. Not a good fit. I looked and looked for another school that would better fit my needs and still be somewhat prestigious (I'm a little proud, haha) but nothing came up. I just kind of settled for the Y. But the Lord knew I needed to be here so I got here. And...it's the best thing that's ever happened. Ever. Oh my gosh.
So don't question it. Just go.

#2 Get the freshman experience! Don't be that girl that just wants to jump into a seriously adult life. That's my best friend. She doesn't participate in anything, doesn't date, doesn't make friends. She wants to finish school as soon as is physically possible and move on to her career. Oh my dear ladies, there is so much more to life than that. So much than a career or starting a family. This time is supposed to be all about you. So take advantage of it! There are so many opportunities and activities and people! This first, second, maybe third year in college fresh out of high school is the time to live.
To soar.
To do everything you've ever dreamed of.
Now is the time to live for yourself, not your career, not your future family.
Those will come. College is the time to do it all of the other things. Make sure when you tell your children what you did with your life before you had them that you have something to tell.
So do it all.

#3 Live in Helaman! That might sound close-minded but seriously.. You need one year of living in a dorm with a meal plan. It makes all the difference. That being said, get out of the dorms your second year. It's generally all freshman living on-campus and you don't want to be that sophomore creepin on the li'l freshie boys.

#4 Take pictures. End of story.

#5 Date date date date date!!! Date everyone your freshman year! Even those guys that seem a little weird and maybe not your type..like.. at all. Just go out with them once! If nothing else, hey, it's a free meal. ;)
But there's a catch to this. Date a lot of different guys and don't give your heart away too quick. Make sure to guard it and play hard to get. Don't start seeing one guy more than any of the others. Even if you're so crazy, head-over-heels about him. Because, listen (and I do have a good reason), they're all leaving on their missions in a year or so. After that there will be no one to date so carelessly! There will only be RM's left! (which means marriage..) So date all the other little freshman boys! Get around! ;)
Oh, and kissing! Kissing is fun. Kissing can be very nice. *Heehee*, very nice... :) But. Don't kiss too much. Sure it's awesome to be able to brag and say "I've kissed (insert number here) boys!" (not that you should be bragging about that! No kiss and tell! Don't do that!) but a kiss needs to be special. Make sure you've been out with the guy multiple times and you genuinely care for him before that. And whatever you do (I know from experience) don't start going steady with him afterward. Branch out. Please, hear me on that one.

#6 Do your homework! Do it! You're not like the other college kids around the world that are in college to get drunk, have sex, and party. You are here to get an education and the socializing is just a wonderfully awesome bonus. "Enter to learn; go forth to serve"..so learn! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to gain knowledge from brilliant professors.
Once. In. A. Lifetime.
Do not waste it! When else is your mind going to be so absorbent, the opportunities so readily available, your life so carefree?? You have to get as much crammed in that brain of yours right now. (That being said, I feel the exact same way about high school. Learn, darn it! Learrrrrn!)

#7 Find who you are. Better yet, find who you are before you come. It's easy to get lost in the crowds of people. Make sure you're internally found. In high school my identity was centered on my success and achievements. Once I started losing that, I lost myself. But once I found who I really was, the confident, happy, faithful girl I am now, I was able to come to college and be happy with myself. Imagine if I hadn't.. Everyone here at this university is just as, if not more, successful as I had been. I am a very average, little fish in a huge pond of accomplishments. Everyone's smart, everyone's talented, everyone's Mormon. If I continued to only find happiness in that.. I would have been utterly completely despondent. I had to find who I truly was and what actually made me happy and me before I came.


Come to college.
Don't be the person that looks back on their life and thinks "high school was the best time of my life".
High school.
Sucks.
It's a petri dish of hormones, idiots, and stereotypes.
Don't let that be the greatest time of your life.
Because this is meant to be. :)

I hate when you wake up to a busy day, forget you're on your period, don't take any pain killers, and leave without any. And then the pain kicks in and... AGH.

"I don't want the whole world,

the sun, the moon, and all their light

I just wanna be the girl you love all your life"

-The Band Perry

It's So Late/Early

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the girl that thinks that everyone likes her but secretly everyone thinks is idiotic and laughs at.

I can see that happening.

You know those people that you meet just once but you can't stop thinking about them? I've forgotten his name but I'm pretty sure we were born to be together. I discovered that from the maybe five minutes of conversation we had. I'm going to find him again in two and a half years (back from his mission by then!) and I will date him. My mind is made up. And nothing stops me when I'm determined! We shall date, Mr. No Name!!!

2,332 word essay due tomorrow.. Just started an hour or two ago. Already to the 600 word mark! I'm on a roll. But I have no interest in continuing. I'm burnt out. Time for filler. The first two pages will be legit, the middle two will be about my hair, and the last two will be semi-legit with randomly inserted comments on the shapes of the carpet stains beneath my feet and Justin Bieber's angelic voice.

A+

Oh my this is amazing.

...

"Contrary to popular belief, guys don't all look for that pretty bimbo. Sure, their eyes will linger on her physique for a while longer than others and sure, they may take her home with them but no man would want to give his heart to that stunning bimbo. Believe it or not, men do dream of love much like women do. Their desires for affection are not as openly discussed and therefore they are believed to be none existent but I assure you that this is not true. A man desires a certain type of girl. A game-changer.

The game changer is a seemingly normal girl that a man might meet at any seemingly normal place. In a coffee shop, at school, shopping for clothes in that vintage store down the street, in your building, even at a bar. A man will often stumble upon the game-changer by chance but will know she is one as soon as he finds her. She'll captivate him immediately and he'll feel like someone has woken him up from a long slumber with a bucket of ice cold water. She'll inspire him, she'll make him grow (not change), and she'll steal his heart away in an instant. She'll make him feel stronger at times, and completely weak at others. She'll terrify him but also give him the courage to be brave. She'll make him want to be a better man; make him want to perform grand gestures out of love. And when she leaves, she'll break him as he has never been broken before. He will then either go two ways: He'll either avoid the game-changers and stick with the pretty bimbo's or he'll vow to find the game-changer that will stay with him, that will let him love her for all of eternity.

The most tragic thing about you game-changers is that you all think of yourselves as "average" when really, you are the most extraordinary creatures to walk the earth. You are beautiful because you have the ability to make someone else beautiful. You are beautiful, because you have the ability to turn a right bastard in a gentleman. You are beautiful, because you change someones game and, in turn, the course of their life..."

This was on a blog I stalk (http://mols.tumblr.com)

Love love love love love.

Definition

Everybody's youth is a dream, a form of chemical madness.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

His Dimples

Went out with my twenty three year old man tonight.

I was so sure I was over him.

Sometimes I absolutely despise emotions and feelings and attraction and love and all that crap.

Who am I kidding?

I always despise it.

We went bowling and had a blast, flirting like old friends. I sucked the first two games then dominated the last. I got a turkey on the tenth frame. How?! I usually suck! Haha, it was great. Then we drove around for an hour. Just talking and talking and talking. One of my favorite things to do with him. We eventually arrived at the house his parents are building that he's going to live in before they move. It's still being built so the lights aren't installed yet and we toured it in the dark.

I've fallen in love with a lot of things. But never a house. Never like that.

There were two rooms that really got me. The front room. You open the enormous front door and just beyond the entryway is a massively massive room with all glass windows at the opposite end and the most beautiful dark wood floors I've ever seen. The other room was the dining room. It was a long rectangle with a rounded end, where the floor to ceiling windows are. Like a rotunda. And the ceiling is like a rotunda too, complete with dark wood beams and rafters. Something out of a modern fairytale.

I laid down on the floor and fell in love.

Is it possible to describe a home as romantic? Because this house was. And it had nothing to do with the hot Englishman escorting me through it. Well, maybe a little. But in all honesty the only word that truly applies to this house is romantic! I am in love with this house!

He moved too quickly for me, I think that scared me off a lot.

I mean, our first kiss wasn't even a kiss. It was a hard core, straight up, make out session. That's really not okay with me normally! We moved so fast that within the next couple weeks he was talking about dating. That really pushed me away. I've still got the freshman mentality (as I should, I'm a freshman!) that I'm gonna date everyone and kiss a bunch of guys and have a lot of fun and not get committed!

But he's 23. And he does not have that mentality.

I did like him. At first. But there's too much that I don't like. Well, not that I don't like, just can't tolerate. He's too immature. Which is saying something since I've only ever fallen for immature and fun guys. He's far too physical. Always making innuendos or sexual jokes and making me uncomfortable. That and how he practically attacked me whenever we kissed/made out. It's like that's honestly all he wanted. And I don't appreciate that. But most of all I think I don't like him because even though when I'm with him I am really insanely attracted to him (mostly physical, for sure. He's a freaking babe. But also emotionally attracted), when I'm not around him I don't think of him at all.

At all.

There's nothing. I don't feel anything when I'm not with him. When he's there, different story. But if he's not then I really couldn't care less.

Friends with benefits maybe..? ;)

Say Ok

I'm definitely eating ice cream in 40-50 degree weather. Because I love ice cream. :)

It was so dang cold today. Brought out a long sleeve shirt, sweatshirt, and pea coat complete with hat and scarf. Still. Cold. It'd be nice if the sun was out or something but it's cloudy and drizzly. Washington weather. Ugh. Give me some blue skies and a brisk cool wind! Give me the sun! Give me FALL. I want the pretty colors and happy feelings. Screw winter. It sucks.

Just found this article in the paper about Sundance's moonlit lifts. That's right. For only $16 a couple can go on a ski lift up the mountain during the full moon. How romantic!!! So I'm going to have my current major infatuation take me. If he doesn't then I'll call up one of the other guys on my extensive list of potential opportunities. ;)

So, am I the only girl (Woman? Am I supposed to call myself a woman now because I'm an adult and physically one?? That's just weird to me..) in the world who is totally comfortable asking a guy out on a date? Because I so am. If there's something I want to do then darn it I'm gonna do it! On Wednesday I decided that I wanted to go to BYU Spectacular. But I didn't wanna go with my main guy and I didn't wanna go alone. So I called up one of my old flames that I still have a great friendship with and said "hey, let's go to this together! call it a date eh?" and he was all for it. I wasn't asking him so I wouldn't have to pay for a ticket or because I don't like to be alone, I just wanted to go to this thing and go out with him! I have no issue with making that kind of move. Or not even straight up saying "let's go on a date". On countless occasions I've done it sneaky like. I'll bring up how much fun it would be to do something, how I've been simply dying to do it, and oh, he should come along! What an original idea! How fun! And he'll ask me within the next couple days. Why wait for the guy anyway? They're slow, might as well help 'em out a bit. ;)

Is this a sign?

Yesterday I had my iPod on shuffle and these three songs came on in a row:

"Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift

"The House that Built Me" by Miranda Lambert

"Home" by Michael Buble

Huh.

I didn't think I was homesick until those came on.

"Let us be as quick to kneel as we are to text."

Ian S Arden

It smells like snow.

Part of my story

I never really noticed my body. It was there. It facilitated life and was in fairly good shape. Looking back, that body was skinny and long. Sure it was short, never reaching more than 5'2", but it was lanky. I remember my first "adult/teenager" pants. They were size 0's from Hollister. Light wash. Boot cut. Low rise. Fitted. That was seventh grade, 2005.

Within two years I was squeezing into a size 5 short with medium sized shirts.

But I still didn't really notice.

I noticed that my body was changing. My hips had elongated and my chest had filled out. My stomach wasn't flat any more and my thighs were extremely round. But I thought nothing of it. I just witnessed it happening with child-like innocence and naivety.

2008 and I'm a sophomore in high school. My two best friends were tall and thin and beautiful. But I was still me and still fine. Until someone changed all that. I was walking to class with one of my girlfriends, side by side. And behind us a few paces is our double-crush. *It was a silent competition to win his heart with her becoming the eventual winner, at her cost in retrospect.* Later that day he said he wanted to tell me something but changed his mind. *His little mind games drove me nearly mad. Always toying with my heart.* He finally came out and said it, "you were walking with Jessica today and I noticed that your hips are huge. Like really big."

I sometimes wonder if he knew what that would set off.

That one comment destroyed my self-esteem immediately. I was so crazy about him. I worshiped him and wanted his approval in all things. It ripped me apart to hear that. I took a hard look at my body - it was fat and round and disgusting. No wonder he chose her, miss skinny. If I was just a little skinnier.. a little taller.. a little flatter..

The ensuing feelings of self-consciousness pervaded every part of me from that day on. I tried to buy clothes that would conceal the body I had grown into. Swimsuits had to cover a lot and I almost never wore them. I tried to remain sitting so no attention would be drawn to my lower half. I tried to wear big jackets so people wouldn't see the bulge around my middle or the chest that wasn't quite big enough. But even when I wasn't actively fighting what people saw I was completely and wholly aware of it, self-conscious, insecure. It became a constant worry. If people started talking about weight or bodies or clothes I'd change the topic or exit the conversation. It was pulling me apart.

The internal struggle lasted on and off for a year before I took action. Food was the enemy. The first to be eliminated was breakfast. I found that if I went without breakfast the hunger pains only lasted for an hour before I could effectively ignore it. The next to go was lunch. I couldn't go all the way without it so I reverted to the bare minimum. A salad and a milk. Occasionally I'd treat myself to a sandwich or a pizza slice but I would limit my dinner portions as punishment. Dinner itself had to stay. To get rid of it wouldn't be acceptable in my family and would alert my parents. Dinner was a must. But I never had seconds. Dessert never left, I'm too much of a sucker for ice cream. But the rationale I had in continuing my dessert eating habits was that by eating only unhealthy dessert I was depriving my body of the nutrients it needed. Maybe that would help it decrease in size. Convoluted logic. Idiotic logic. Successful logic.

I started losing and losing and losing. Over time I went from breaching 130 lbs to bending over 105 lbs. I remember the pride I took in my hip bones jutting out. My shoulders becoming bony. The collarbone's new found definition. My waist shrunk to an enviable size and farther. With the exception of my ever large legs I became a near skeleton of flesh and bone. And I liked looking in the mirror and seeing that. I liked standing before the mirror in nothing but underwear and bra and seeing the change that had taken place. As I viewed that body I soaked in the feelings of accomplishment and then let my mind wander to the improvements still needing to be made. I thought of all the flaws yet remaining and the ways to shed even more weight, make myself even more skinny. It was an obsession and the craving was never filled.

This was the beginning of my senior year, the end of 2010. That's when people got concerned. A good friend pointed out my scary size in November. "Sweetie.. you are really thin.. really thin. Is everything okay?" I lied to my best friend and said I was fine. Because I was technically still eating and technically in a safe weight zone..just barely. And even if that is true and I wasn't on the verge of death I knew there was something very, very wrong in the mindset behind it all.

The reasons had all changed. At first this all-consuming habit of starving myself was to lose weight, to show him that I could be skinny. It was to fit in. It was so I wouldn't feel so self-conscious. I was willing to starve myself to be thin. I wanted to be the popular shape and size so I could wear the in-style clothes and be pretty. I stopped eating to feel good about myself. But slowly it became a tool for other things. By fall of 2010 I had realized that these hips are here to stay, I won't ever fit in a size 0 again. No amount of food deprivation would change that. I knew that I was curvy because of my genes, no use trying to starve it away. But I kept on it. By early 2011 it was a tool for revenge. I was continuing my poor eating habits because I felt alone and unloved. I wanted, desperately wanted, to end up in a hospital on an IV drip so I could show the people that hurt me and neglected me what they had done. I wanted them to pay. Even if it was at the cost of my body. I wanted to show them. I wanted someone to look at me and think, "she needs help." Because I did. I wanted someone to show that they cared enough to see what I was hurting myself. I wanted the attention I was dying for. The obsession had evolved into a twisted way to feel better about myself and get revenge. And as I stopped eating for it, it ate away at me.

The obsession tore away three years of my life. Across 2008 and 2011 I struggled with this disorder. It went in a cycle. For a few months I would say to myself "I am perfect the way I am. I should be happy with that." But I would be holding back the urge to claw the fat from my body or squeeze my bones into the right shape with my bare hands. Then I would relapse without realizing it and go back into the mindset of "the hunger pains will pass, they'll pass. You'll look so good tomorrow. As long as you lose a few more pounds." I'd binge for a few weeks or a month and then purge for just as long. The feeling of unhappiness with my body never quite went away. Some days I'd feel satisfied. Like, this is it. I am at a good healthy weight with the right amount of curves and muscle. And other days, most days, I felt like I could afford to lose a little more or be a little more toned. There's always a little more I can do.

I recognize that this is how it is for most all women. We all feel like we're not quite the perfect size and shape. Maybe I'm not unique in what I've gone through. But I believe I am. I let it consume me and I let it fully twist itself into my life. It became more than just a desire to be thin, it became a tool for revenge and attention. I spent so much time worrying about how I looked and what I portrayed then focusing on helping others or improving the world. I still did great things in that time. And I had many other experiences. But this remains a dominating memory from my teenage years.

And I'm still not sure I've recovered from it. Or ever will. I have to fight constantly to remember that the inherent shape I am will not go away no matter how hard I try. I have to remind myself that eating healthy amounts is what I need. I constantly have to pull myself out of the pit I slip back into and say "I am beautiful."

Because I am. This way. Curves and flaws and all. I'm beautiful. And if I'm afraid of not pleasing the world, who cares about them anyway? If I'm afraid of not pleasing a guy, there are guys out there who genuinely attracted to women like me! If I'm afraid of not pleasing myself.. then I need to change my paradigm. I'm working every day to overcome this.

And I've almost won.