Oh byu. I've seen at least four girls dressed as Rapunzel from Tangled today.

I would like to express my extreme disdain for men at the moment. Mostly I just have a disgust with myself for being such an idiot in regards to them.

Happy Halloween kiddos!

honest to goodness

And I have been lacking both for far too long.

Thank you body for making me feel violently ill at two in the morning. That's just what I wanted right now.

Today is one of those pretty fall days where I want to have a boyfriend so badly. I want to hold hands and be together and do stupid things and be idiots in love. Being single is fabulous most days but after seven months of no real relationships I'm getting a wee bit lovesick.
I have my options. One guy has talked about dating me repeatedly. Another says he'll wait for me to come around. With a little coaxing I could probably get two others to date me. Yes, that sounds horribly conceited but it's very true! I just don't want to date them though. They're great bur I don't want to be in a relationship just for the relationship. I'd have to actually want to date the guy haha. And I don't... So I wanna have a boyfriend but not with any of the guys I know. Does that make sense?
Lucky for me this feeling will pass and I will dang happy with singleness yet again. :)

take me in small doses

Mitch got set apart as a missionary today and goes into the MTC on Wednesday.

I am already missing him so much. :'(

{cute co-worker that I've gone on a date with and really want to go on a second date with}: "Mackenzie, thanks for comin' over {apartment game night at his place}! You are so awesome! Blake and I were talking earlier and want to adopt you."
{me}: "adopt me? Haha, like a child?"
{him}: "Yeah! We'll take you under our wing!"

whoa whoa whoa, I don't want to be adopted, I want to be dated. Haha, let's get on that buddy. Chop chop. Haha. No seriously.

Lately I've gone on tons of dates. A million. And all of the ones that I don't really want a second date from ask me on a second dates while all of the ones I want to ask me out again don't!
First world problems.
Woe is me.
Poor white Mormon American.

It really is a weird culture here at the Y.

Wow, just found out that one of my good friends from elementary school is now a stripper. How did I find out? She posted pictures of herself performing her job on Facebook. REAL FREAKIN CLASSY.

I've decided that listening to President Thomas S. Monson's general conference talks is a great way to start your morning.And it's a great alternative to studying for my calculus exam that's later today.Which I'm determined I will do somewhat well on {though my confidence is extraordinarily low in reality}

One more day until Friday. So close. So close.

I'm in my marriage and family class talking about husbands that are jerks and I am getting so angry at these idiots. My husband will love me and treat me well gosh dang it!

It's snowing. I'm so disgusted with the world right now.

Snow on the mountains. NO!

15.. what a messy age to be.

Feeling a bit homesick.

I should like to be in Tuscany right now.

I've found... There are worse things than failing calculus.

Turns out quinoa, feta cheese, and diced tomatoes are basically the best thing ever.

Some people have tan lines from their rings. There is a ring on my right ring finger that's been there for YEARS. My finger is still just as whiiiiiite as ever.

Nodding off in class like CRAZY.

100% on my marriage and family midterm.

Score.

"You'll do great! You're Mackenzie, Mackenzie the little mountain climber!" -Willem.
whaaat.. does that even mean?? hahaha

Ohhhhh October :)
<3 <3 <3

Half way through the semester!!! Aye aye ayyye!

I'm so overwhelmed.
I've never worked a part-time job and been a full-time student. Last year I struggled through my classes and I wasn't working. So, you can imagine that taking two more classes than I was then and working has become excessively difficult for me.
I am struggling so badly. In everything. But, we'll focus on one area for now.
My calculus class has not only gone way over my head in application {it all makes sense in class. every freaking word.} but I am so far behind that it isn't worth it to catch up. If I stop for one minute I'm behind. So if I were to take two days and get caught up on learning the previous concepts I don't understand I'd miss learning the new concepts and doing the homework for the new stuff. If I were to just drop all of the old concepts and devote myself fully to learning the new stuff I'd still be behind because I need those as a foundation. It's really a lose-lose. It's not only that but the feeling that regardless of how much time I devote to it, I'm still not going to understand it. The feeling of inadequacy. Utter inadequacy.
Yeah, there's the usual condolences: it's just one class. C's get degrees. Gain some perspective and realize that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Well, here's my rebuttal. It is just one class. And C's do get degrees. And this grade won't matter in the long run. But, this is my life right now. I have invested literally everything I have to get here and succeed here. My education right now is my investment. You can tell a farmer, "don't worry, even though this seasons crop failed you have next season! Get a little perspective. This isn't the end of the world." That's his entire investment. His whole life. He can't afford to have a failed season. Sure, he'll survive but at a huge cost to his livelihood and family. I have to pass this class for my major. I can't fail it. It may not be the end of the world and I'm sure I'll still be mentally sound in twenty years, but this is my everything right now. This is my investment.

One of my favorite smells in the world: lilac & grass.

"Wait, so explain to me your train of thought on that answer."
"Well, I'm a woman so it's less of a train and more of a ball of yarn tangled through wires.."

"BYU Creamery
We build Zion by providing quality goods and services to enhance the learning environment."

No. You sell food and groceries. That's all. You don't build Zion. You don't enhance the learning environment. Stop it.

Did you know... That I am somewhat obsessed with quail? I just saw a flock and about died of excitement.

On college: C's may get degrees, but A's get scholarships, grad schools, and opportunities.
So, which is more important? Where's the balance?

Off to take my sociology exam.

I need to remind myself of this more often!

Talking about the mission age changes in my marriage and family class was super enlightening. I think this is super important to remember: We all felt the Spirit confirming to us the truthfulness and excitement of the age change for men and women. We ladies especially felt that confirmation. But that shouldn't be mistaken for a personal confirmation of our own need to serve. I've felt so guilty because I'm like one of the only girls I know that just hasn't felt like I need to serve a mission. But that's the thing, it's not a commandment for me and it hasn't been revealed to me. I worry about my girlfriend who's in a frenzy over serving a mission now. Without disregarding her right to personal revelation, I suspect she may have confused the general confirmation of the truthfulness of the change for a personal confirmation.

Eh. Just some interesting thoughts.

Alright!
Today is a new day and I am ready to go! We're lettin' go of the past and moving forward with the future! Let's do this thing, world!

For a half credit class the ballet midterm is extraordinarily difficult.

Today was great internally. I was in a great mood and goin' strong. Today was bad externally. Three different people admitted to my hurting or offending them in some way at some point in time in the past little while. Not just, "oh you didn't like my pants and that offended me." Like, "yeah, you broke my heart and didn't even notice." I just feel so bad. I'm such a horrible person.

One of the most therapeutic and warm-fuzzy feeling things is listening to someone tell me about their problems they've been keeping inside so long and being told

"you're the only one who's cared enough to ask."

 Even when I don't have time or the patience or charity, I hope I can always respond to the promptings of the Spirit telling me to help someone because in the end it always helps me just as much. And hopefully as I heed those promptings more and more I will be able to see with more clarity those that are struggling and need my help.

'they call me... Tim...?'

I could possibly serve a mission like.. right now??
Whoa.
I won't rush into it of course.. but.. that was not an option I had anticipated having currently. That just throws one more possibility into my life! Guess we'll see what the Lord has planned. Just like always. :)

got to bed at 1230, woke at 5 to finish homework. in class from nine until two. *quick nap* date at three. another date at five. Afterward?? BEDTIME.

You don't even know the power of your mind, do you?

If you decide to do something, really decide, you can do it.

I wasn't born a happy person.

I grew up in a fairy tale land. Daydreaming the day away. A lot of my childhood memories consist of me and my imagination. Honestly. When I slipped into reality I was sorely disappointed and unhappy, angry even, with my life. *shrug*, I don't know, I guess I was just a kid with way high expectations. I was really intent on being independent and grown up, even at age six. What a pain that must have been for my mother! An argumentative, bossy, little adult-child. No, happy is not what I would have called myself. When my mom re-married I truly became unhappy. Sure, we can recount times of genuine happiness, but over the course of an average day I was usually just unhappy. Angry, most often. I constantly felt that life was so unfair. Looking back I have no idea why on earth I thought that but I definitely reveled in it. I looked for reasons to be angry and to fight. Who does that?! I don't know if it was my personality by nature or the way I was raised or my circumstances or an unfortunate combination. Regardless, I was a bitter little human being. And all the while I hated who I was. I hated life and hated myself for hating it. Around fourteen it just crashed in. I spent the next three or four years, basically all of high school, loathing myself and trying to figure things out. It was an exhausting, depressing process. From fourteen to eighteen I'd say I was more depressed than angry. But, still, unhappy.

So, I changed.

It was gradual at first and then all at once. That's the thing about leaving home, you get to re-invent yourself. I mentally erased everything and all that I was and decided I would be, above all else, happy. You see, once you truly, deeply understand the strength of your will power, you can do anything. There are days you slip up. Every once in a while I wake up angry at everything, absolutely everything, for no explainable reason whatsoever. But, you get back up. You re-focus and keep pushing forward. And it's hard sometimes, because there are those who stubbornly perpetuate the old label of who you were. My dearest sister knew me best in the prime of my unhappiness. And she can't let it go. No matter how many times I tell her that I'm a happy, positive person, she laughs in my face. I'm still mean and emotional in her mind. There will always be people like that, people who keep their opinions static. But, you know what?
I'm happy.
I am a happy, happy, happy person. Honestly. Ask anyone that knows me now. I've transformed myself into a naturally happy, enthusiastic person.

So...

What's stopping you from becoming all you've ever wanted to be?

You know that one guy that you would drop everything and everyone for if he were just to notice you?

I have one of those. I think he's the most amazing person ever. And he hardly knows me haha. Ah, silly boys.

I don't get homesick that often. I have learned to be content where I stand. And that means being happy no matter where I am and who I'm with. I do get sad about other things though. Like not being able to be there for my baby sissy as she goes through high school, one of the most formative times in her life. Or being able to talk to sweet Mickey, my adorable baby girl that always makes me happy. It makes me sad that I don't get to hang out with Grant and chuckle at his incredible sense of humor. Or bein' crazy with li'l Avery and enjoying her insanely diverse, complex, and unique personality.

Such a bittersweet feeling being on my own. It's tough, ya know?

Wednesday. Finally. One midterm today and a massive research paper to write. I can do this.

1. I'm so tired from this severe lack of sleep thing that I'm switching back and forth between manically happy to insanely upset almost instantaneously. Good thing no one's around to witness this because it is scarrrr-yyyy.
2. Forehead kisses are the best. Not in a romantic way, mind you. In a "I care about you and want you to be happy" kind of way. They calm me down really well and are just too sweet! Unfortunately it isn't "socially acceptable" to ask strangers to kiss you on the forehead. Psh.
3. I don't like putting soap on before I get my hands wet when washing them.
4. Why am I awake? Obviously no studying is getting done.
5. On Saturday we're taking roommate pictures and I'm super excited.
6. If I can make it through this week I swear I am some sort of superhero whose power is excelling in mediocrity and relying on procrastination. "E-ventualllyyyy!!!"
7. I want to shave my legs but I don't have time to. How sad, right?
8. Today was really tough and busy and crazy and stressful but the thing that upset me the most was not being able to get work off next weekend to go visit my family {they had talked about flying me up for the weekend}. That was heartbreaking.
9. I thought it was Thursday this morning. I was sorely mistaken. Biggest disappointment... :(
10. I reached number ten so now I'm going to bed.

I... Love my job.

"Being single sucks.

The only thing I ever get to do is

whatever the heck I want."

There's this kid. And I like him. He's great. We've gone on two official dates and have hung out maybe twice aside from that. We have a class together so we see each other three times a week for that. We know each other but... not nearly well enough for him to ask me out today.

We're just in the library studying and he turns to me. "Not to be frank, but do you want to steady date? Boyfriend girlfriend? You and me?"


wait.


what???

I said it was too soon. Which it totally is! Uh, two dates later and you wanna date me? Obviously he doesn't realize I'm still going on dates with other guys. Which sucks because now I'm gonna have to have a dtr {the worst} with him or drop all of my other options {which isn't happening as of right now} to date him.

I'm in a pickle.

I have it narrowed down to two guys. They both want to date me. And I want to date them both too! But not at the same time! And I can't choose! I don't really want to. I'm super content to just randomly hang out with them and go on the occasional date. I don't want to lose them as friends {gee I'm such a freakin girl} but don't want to string them along.

I think I'll just avoid it for another month or two. ;)
Besides, I'm way too busy for a stupid relationship.