obsessed..

To keep myself from going crazy-obsessive I have to remind myself that if someone wanted to talk to me, they would. If they wanted to see me, they would.

Really, girl, take a deep breath. It doesn't need to be, or should be, constant communication. Calm down. If someone wants to talk then they'll make the effort to. Just breathe. And go to bed for heavens sake!



I talk to myself when I'm alone. No joke. So special. Sooo special.. :)

monday blues

I really want to sleep right now and for the rest of today and tomorrow and then forever.
I keep getting more and more depressed. The sleeping problems I had last night are going to be my scapegoat for that one. I'm so exhausted! So "blah"! Stupid Monday. Stupid, stupid Monday. I'm tired and getting depressed.
I finished all of my homework. What on earth am I supposed to do with myself?!
I suppose I'll sit here and feel sorry for myself. That's always entertaining. ;)

How do people always confuse the name "mackenzie" with "mikaela"? That's really not my name people. it hardly sounds the same.

hello

Why do we say "hello?" when we pick up the phone? We ask it. Why? Are we honestly curious as to whether someone is there or not? I'm pretty sure if the phone rang that someone, or something, had to make it ring. In most cases I find it strange that we cautiously approach greeting the caller as if we're afraid of being rejected by silence. But then again, saying "hello!" is somewhat strange when we don't know who's calling.
Social norms are weird.

At your own risk

I have a throbbing headache.

It’s one in the morning.

I can’t sleep.

This morning I told my roommate that I was going to be in bed by eleven tonight. I was determined. And when I get determined, watch out. Eleven o’clock rolled around and who was getting ready for bed? This girl. Eleven thirty rolled around and who was tucked in bed? This girl. One o’clock rolled around and who was still thrashing around in bed pissed off that she couldn’t sleep? This girl! I’m so exhausted. Why can I not sleep?! The past two weeks have thrown off my sleep schedule so bad and I have been lacking sleep like crazy. So why does my body not seize this chance to sleep now?! I tried to give it a full ten hours and it was rejected. Rude.

I want to be loved so badly. I want to find the guy that is in complete awe of me. When I meet him he’ll fall head over heels immediately, blown away by how stunningly amazing I am. I don’t think it’s fair for any girl, any girl, since every one of them is a princess, to be treated anything less than that. A girl should never have to fight to be heard or seen by the guy she’s with. I really don’t think that if you’re in a relationship where you constantly have to impress him or give him reasons to pay attention to you then you should be with him at all. I don’t care how amazing he is or how in love with him you are. I don’t want to be in that position. I’m too incredible to have to prove that to him. No girl should ever have to prove her worth. I want a guy that thinks about me every day. A guy that texts me at three in the morning to tell me that I’m beautiful. I want a guy that does cute things and is unbelievably thoughtful. I want someone to love me! Someday it will come. I suppose.

I thought I was in love once. Doesn’t everyone think that in their first relationship? I was the average teenage girl, giddy with infatuation and schoolgirl emotions. I did like him a lot, that sweet boy. He was very good to me. But I’m not sure it was love, it probably wasn’t. It was an odd relationship anyway, my only one to this day. Long-distance and strained. I needed a lot more than he could give me and I wasn’t what was good for him in the long run. It was doomed from the start really but we gave it a try. Why not? Everything good has to end at some point but you might as well enjoy it while you can. It was quite the experience. I still think about him from time to time. I’ll see something or be reminded of one of our limited memories and think back on that boy fondly. We’re friends now. We had a good end, though saddening, and parted with nothing but feelings of good will to the other. I’m proud to say that we avoided the stupid typical breakup drama. I wish that I will be able to say that for all of my future relationships. It would break my heart to share a unique love with someone and then have it turn to hate all because we couldn’t make it work. I don’t understand relationships. I like to think I’m fairly realistic about them..but I’m not sure I am. I’m seeing a boy right now, and I really like him. There are so many questions though. I over-complicate things.  Maybe it’s time to throw those questions out the window and just live. Sometimes, that’s the only way to make it through life, to just live it.

Every winter for the past three years I’ve fallen into a depression of sorts. Like a seasonal depression. Only, it’s not depression, I’m not sad, I’m apathetic. I kind of go blurry for a month or two. I stop feeling much and just want to sleep or sit with people and watch. Once Christmas break comes along I snap out of it for the short time that it’s there but I fall back into it once school starts again. Well, yesterday I lost all motivation for everything. I think my winter apathy-fest is beginning. What makes me extremely unhappy about it though is that I want to change. I want to break out of it so, so much! No one wants to spend two months out of the year staring at walls and not feeling anything or having motivation to do anything! My friends are going to leave if I can’t keep them with my normal personality. {Isn’t it awful that I think I have to continually be the upbeat, bouncy me for people to like me? It’s like I’m scared that if I’m depressed for too long they won’t have the patience to deal with me anymore. I need more faith in these people. These few people I call my friends.} I don’t want the apathy! And I really think that people can change most anything if they really try. But this is so different. It’s almost against my will. It’s an internal force pulling me in and numbing my heart. If you read through my journal entries the winter of ’09 though early ’10 you’d see that I’m not making this up. I remember writing that it felt like I was asleep, like I was walking through a really fuzzy dream life. It’s almost disconcerting. I’m going to fight it. I don’t want that at all. Oh winter, be kind to me. Let me feel and live still. The most passionate person alive can’t live without her emotions, don’t take them away.

1:48

Let’s try this sleep thing again.

Daddy's little girl...?

I have a friend. And before I approached him about it, he would constantly talk about his ex-girlfriend. But it wasn't that he was still hung up on her or anything, that I could have dealt it, no, it was quite the contrary. He held a lot of anger and resentment towards her. As a friend there was only so much I could hear about it before finally I told him to get over it. Let it go. Yeah, she was crazy and made you miserable or whatever but that was months ago. She's gone. It's beyond unhealthy for you to harbor those still. Now you're just making yourself miserable. He wasn't particularly happy that I gave him such a rude slap in the face, and I felt terrible, but I couldn't stand another second of it and seeing him do that to himself.
I realized something. I do that to myself sometimes. My father is quite the man. He's crazy and insanely judgmental. He emotionally hurt me a lot growing up. I try not to let him hurt me anymore but he still has a lot of sway over me. He's not really a good person. Due to that, and so many other things, I have a tendency to entertain feelings of hatred and anger towards him. Quite often.
I realized something else as well. For all of the times that I brood over how much I despise him and wish he would either stop being him or just get out of my life.. I love him. I love him very, very much. He's my Daddy. He and I have so many good memories. He taught me so many lessons. He was an example to me for better and worse. He loves me a ton. He wasn't the father figure in my life and certainly wasn't my best friend or anything.. I don't know what he was or is anymore. But he's my Daddy through and through. Every time I get angry at him I can't stay angry for long. I love him. He's not the best person, he's made a lot of extremely unfortunate choices and hurt me more than he will ever know, and I have every right to feel some small amount of resentment towards him but I love him. Even through the anger and pain, I love my Daddy to death.

"At Christmas, all roads lead home."

*sob*