Find a Path, Draw a Map, Take a Breath and Run: November 2013

Yes, I realize that my last three or four posts have been about Chris. So now for something moderately different! Or at least something that isn't directly about him.

My manager this last summer, a very worldly young woman, was a sweetheart. Lots of fun and a chatty little Kathy, I enjoyed talking to her about her life. I got to hear about her boy drama, her baby daddy drama, and her work drama. I heard stories about parties and late nights and her son. She told me all about her crazy younger days {drugs, sex, alcohol} and her regrets following them. We talked a bit about my beliefs and the absolute dichotomy that our lives were. She was the stereotypical 21st century 20-something year old with the "live fast, die young" attitude. And, as we know, I'm the stereotypical early 20's "goody-two-shoes" with strict moral standards and high intelligence {please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, do not confuse "goody-two-shoes" with "no personality". I don't know why this connotation exists but it is not correct and drives me up a freaking wall. There is no correlation between making good decisions and being a boring human. If you disagree, please, feel free to enlighten me}. Needless to say, it made for some interesting and insightful discussions.

One of the funniest conversations we ever had {from my point of view} was the one in which she asked about the Word of Wisdom. I explained to her what we as a Mormons try to avoid eating, drinking, and doing to our bodies, and why. She mused on it for a while, said it made sense, and then asked as if it were the most normal and logical question, "so, if you don't drink.. what do you do for fun?"

Really?

Unfortunately, she mistook my delay in response time and look of disbelief for an inability to think of what I do for fun. "Oh my gosh, she's right, since I don't drink, I don't have fun. My whole life has been so boring!" In reality though I was just puzzled that she thought that without alcohol "fun" wasn't possible. Well I don't know what kind of "fun" she is having but I consider my life quite enjoyable.

What I do for fun without alcohol? I build relationships! I learn things {yes, it can be fun, shut up Kaila}! I play games! I play sports! I rock climb! I go to museums and art shows and plays and concerts! I bake and cook and look up new recipes and experiment! I volunteer! I watch movies! I talk to friends and meet people and get to know people! I kiss and cuddle my boyfriend! I garden! I take walks and go on hikes and drive and enjoy nature! I go to dances! I do nice things for my boyfriend and spend time with him! I go on dates and get dessert, not wasted! I make choices with a clear mind and conscience, without my decisions being hampered by inebriation. I wake up in the morning feeling healthy, alive, and with full memory of what happened the night before. I treat my body right because it doesn't need or deserve those toxins in it after all it does for me.

Man, what do I do for fun? I live!

But, I digress. What I wanted to discuss was another question she had for me. One that also had me stumped.

During the time that we worked together I was dating Chris. Talking about our relationship and boys in general eventually led her to make this remark:

"I went to high school with a Mormon kid who got married when he was 21, after he went on one of your mission trips. I couldn't believe it! It was so soon! He was so young! But I've noticed that so many Mormons do that. Why do you all get married so young? And so fast??"

After fumbling around for a moment or two I realized I was stumped. Truly. "Uh, it's just what we do" seemed like a tacky answer and "we can't have sex until marriage and don't want to wait" also seemed tacky and mildly inappropriate. These were the answers I came up with after thinking for a week or two:

Families are the most important building blocks of society and we are a very family-centered religion. We promote everyone having their own family because it is the most important part of this life.
Society is so individual-oriented but we don't believe that is how God intended it. We believe the utmost happiness attainable in this life is through families and the Gospel of Christ.
We believe in the Law of Chastity and that intimacy is sacred between husband and wife. Unfortunately this is a very hard commandment to follow and we end up marrying earlier because it is such a difficult temptation.

Man, I came up with so many answers and they were all as flimsy as these. Sure, I believe them and I believe they are true, but they don't stand up to an argument, you know? I probably should have just asked someone older and wiser than me for advice {if you have a better answer, please, please let me know! I'd love to add some clarity to my answers}. But I didn't and the summer passed and I never gave my boss a good answer.

After much deliberation and a profound learning experience I finally have an answer for her that I feel peace with. And so, if she, or anyone else, were ever to ask me the question of "why do you get married so early and so fast?" again, I would say:

Why not.

What is it about marriage that the world today so detests? My uncle and my father both have warned that before marriage one needs to go out and explore the world, get experiences, date lots of people, find yourself. Okay, why can't I explore the world with my spouse? Heavens, exploring with my best friend actually sounds more fun than going alone! Why can't I gain experiences with my spouse? Marriage is about learning and growing together! And goodness, being married to someone does not mean you will not be able to do or learn or grow on your own ever again. You still have your own brain. What does dating a ton of people provide me with? Yes, I do need to date around to know what my type is and what I'm looking for in a man. But don't confuse that with looking around for the "perfect" man. Your relationship will never be perfect. He will never be perfect. You need to find someone you're a good match for and is a good match for you. Once you do, why look any further? Could there be someone better out there? Sure. The grass is always greener on the other side. But don't waste your life away looking for perfection when you have something that will make you incredibly happy with a little work right here. And as far as finding yourself, you can grow together. No, do not lose yourself in your spouse and their happiness, but you can become the best you with the assistance of someone who loves you more than any other person on this earth.

Is it the financial concerns? Because yes, I've had those concerns too, I can understand those. I want a beautiful wedding without having to stress about where the money comes from. I want to own a home when I get married. I don't want to give each other Dollar Store gifts for Christmas. Ever. That does not sound enjoyable to me. But, marriage and life will always bring trials and trials will bring the two of you closer together - financial worries are just another trial. Besides, why are all trying to grow up so fast? College means you're only young and poor once {horrible generalization but still - it's the ideal for college students right? Suffer through college on Ramen and bask on your chaise on the beach eating caviar someday} so enjoy it! Enjoy it with your best friend!

Is it kids? Is that what is making us afraid of marriage? Okay, birth control. Let's be real here, kids are not a reason to avoid marriage, or a reason to get married.

Are we so afraid of commitment that we won't even try, is that it? If so, a great ill has taken hold of our world and we need to do our best to rid ourselves of it. Imagine if we all stopped making and keeping commitments. Our world would fall apart. Honestly, our society would grind to a screeching halt into the dust of selfishness and fear. I don't want to do this because it's scary so I don't have to. Grow a backbone. Life is scary. Marriage is important and good! You love this person. So go for it. Divorce has almost made it too easy to make shallow or fake commitments. Dive in and don't give up! Or is it because of the hippy movement ideal of "share the love", in regards to physical love? If the fear of commitment towards marriage comes from not wanting to be tied down... please see how selfish that is. Besides, as my sweet boyfriend said "marriage isn't being tied down. It's starting a life-long adventure with your best friend. Besides, doesn't the bachelor life sound lonely?" When you're 45 and living alone {as my dad is, so I speak from experience} I can almost guarantee if you haven't already felt lonely, you will. If the fear of commitment towards marriage comes from wanting to be able to sleep around... well, that is a completely different argument regarding sex outside of marriage. All I can say for that is, do you really feel satisfied when you have a different partner every week? Is that what's important to you in life? Have you considered how shallow your life is? You are living far below your potential if you live only for sexual pleasure.

So, really, my answer to her is why not? What are we really losing by gaining a spouse 20-some years into life? Why is marriage so taboo?

That's why we get married comparatively early. And it is not a bad thing.